To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

How does she have more free time? He gets every workday evening all for himself to do whatever he wants, childfree.

Totally unfair. I think you should go and do his job and he should stay at home with your dd. That would be fair.

As a short-term thing, it might be ok but I would point out to him that he's making himself fairly dispensible in your family life.

OP's husband may be different, but if it's helpful, my work admin includes: writing/dictating letters and reports, reading and acting/planning based on correspondence to me, chasing up results from tests, arranging other tests, doing assessments and planning training/supervision for junior colleagues, reviewing and writing quality assurance or incident reports, and other similar tasks. It can easily take over 2-3 hours per night, plus work on days 'off'. And that's just the norm.

It all sounds like a business agreement and not a marriage to be honest 🤷‍♀️

I'd seriously be questioning if I wanted to be in a relationship where I didn't see my husband.

Yeah that is properly insane for a parent with young children and I worked in corporate law in the City. Even we didn’t work every weekend as a matter of course just when there was a big deal closing or something and that was bad enough.

Either he is using it as a way to bail on parenting or he has an appalling work life balance that isn’t sustainable. Honestly when those years are gone they are gone what sort of relationship will he have with his kid if he keeps this up?

It must be very hard to have a relationship under those circumstances, OP.

If it’s something he’s always done and is only temporary I don’t think what he’s doing is wrong to be honest. But I’d wonder why he had to work 6 days a week. He needs to be speaking with his employer.

We live near a large teaching hospital and have loads of medical pals including consultants. Not one works the hours your DH does, all have children and bar the odd on-call, are around all weekend. They have certainly done their share of hideous hours and all nighters but by the time you get to consultant level this would be unusual unless they are a workaholic and choose work over family and this tends to be surgeons IME

He’s away all week so has event week night for this mystery ‘admin’ (I mean, wtf is that?) He’ll have a pa if not personally then for his team so there’s only so much he’ll need to do unless he’s hideously disorganised. I’d be more than pissed off OP I’d be telling him not to bother coming home and start booking alternate weekends off and saving his annual leave to share parenting when you split up. Oh, and absolutely reckon here’s more going on the work and admin.

This.

That sounds like two full time jobs, poor you!

I just wondered if it was that kind of thing or if he meant life admin rather than for work, if he's contracting there's times sheets/expenses/tax etc as well I guess. It's just a lot to wipe out 18 hours with it - he could do Saturday and Sunday evenings perhaps. If it's part of the job though he can't help it ofc. I still wouldn't want to live that way though!

Would you say that to a single mum who has the kids 6 nights a week, and dad takes them the Sunday night? That the Sunday off is more time than most get?

It’s a slog doing the majority of juggling childcare with work alone, even if you get one day off. All the school runs, breakfasts, rushing back to pick kids up on time, dinners, bath and bed times, nightmares, sleep regressions, sick days, rinse and repeat. That’s the hard part of being a working parent. OP does all that alone, he avoids all of that. The least he could do is be there another weekend day and do his admin in his child free weekday evenings.

You’re a single parent to a child whose father visits once a week.

Might as well make it official with a divorce is what I’d be thinking.

(Workaholics are deeply selfish. As he is demonstrating. No attempt to change his preferred way of working & living.)

He might have a very important and demanding job but he still needs to be a parent. He’s chosen that job. As you’re working too he should be working in the evenings during the week to free up the Saturdays. Coming home Fri night. Half a day at weekend for you to make up for all the bedtimes/ mornings/ night wakes he’s not there for. One day and a half days family time.

Do you work part time? If so maybe putting your child in an extra morning childcare during the week for your ‘me’ time so you can have all weekend as a regular family would be ideal. For chores and family time.

Being as physically absent as he is he really needs to spend the whole weekend with his family. If it means he works literally all the hours he’s awake during the week that’s what he’s got to do. That’s what you’re doing doing everything for your shared child.

What does he do in evenings when working away?

My husband is NHS dr and works crazy hours. We’ve got 3 kids and harsh as it is I put my foot down. Family time is family time. Our kids didn’t choose his job. I’m more than happy for him to not be a dr or drop hours/ downsize/ tighten belts. His job is his choice. We were together 10 years before he was a dr and we were much happier before with less money!! No one holding a gun to his head. I’ve tired over the years of the worship some give of how important the job is 🤣🤣🤣. Family comes first.

OP's husband may be different, but if it's helpful, my work admin includes: writing/dictating letters and reports, reading and acting/planning based on correspondence to me, chasing up results from tests, arranging other tests, doing assessments and planning training/supervision for junior colleagues, reviewing and writing quality assurance or incident reports, and other similar tasks. It can easily take over 2-3 hours per night, plus work on days 'off'. And that's just the norm.

Sounds about right - I'm guessing you are clinical? Mine as a Director involves 8 hours a day of meetings, reading and feeding back on reports, dealing with any Datix incidents that come my way, e-mails - on average 500-1000 a day, requests for interviews from the media, signing off various things, urgent calls when eg we are going into a Critical Incident - synthesising the information and making a decision, attending Silver or Gold calls, depending on whether I'm deputising for the CEO, overseeing the mitigating actions so NHSE are happy. That alone can throw a day out by 5-6 hours and the day job doesn't get done until the evening.....I'm also on call at least 5 times a month over a weekend and during the week. E-mails get done in the evening by the time I've got a backlog of 500 unread and at least 250 are urgent. This is the reality in the NHS at the moment. There are no extra staff, no magic money tree, or nurses tree either. I'm working all day everyday with people who are as burnt out, or more so than I am and I don't have time or the emotional energy to support them how they need to be supported. And I don't have the added pressures of patients to deal with.

It does sound like hard work, and not how I'd want family life to be. But he worked like this before you had DC and so I'm not too sure why you're surprised that this is the deal now?

Also it reads as though you've told him you're unhappy and, in the short term, he's given you some options to make it slightly less hard for you, on the day he does have with you and the family.

And if I'm reading it right, soon this contract is up and he's looking for a new role? So things could change imminently?

What is it you actually want? Because I'm not sure it's clear, maybe even to you?

Just like most other families 🤷‍♀️ the weekends need to be split equally between family time all together and each parents own downtime/quality time with kids.

i get your frustration but yabu. Look on the bright side.

a whole day to yourself! I would love that.
he doesn’t seem to have that himself.

having to only cook if you want during the week, tidy up only after yourself. I am a bit envious lol

I would understand if you were saying you were lonely.

Is he a shift worker? What are his working hours M-F? More context is needed on his working patterns

If he is 9-5, then he has ample time M-F to do admin. What is his job role?

My dh has a very demanding job with lots of travel- I totally empathise on the fed up doing it all alone. You need to outsource what you can to catch a break- weekly/fortnightly cleaner, start the toddler with a childminder a couple of mornings a week. This will give you much, much needed breathing room and you’ll find it all easier to cope with.

What does he actually do for a job every day during the week that means he has to do his “admin” all day on a Saturday?

I know lots of people who work long hours in the NHS in various roles but none of them work every Saturday or put so many hours in on weekdays that they are playing catch up on the weekends.

Give the man a break. Have you thought he might be suffering too without spending sufficient time with his family? You should be supportive of his working hard to secure your futures. Why not cut him some slack while he’s on this contract and then discuss what kind of rule he can look for after this one has ended that would give you both more time together. But if he’s high up as you say, then it might not be possible.

No, because he gets every evening in the week to himself while he’s working away.

I assumed @wpur meant personal admin - catching up with messages/banking/house insurance type stuff? Did she mean work admin then?

Yes. I think that the reason it is referred to as “admin” is because it is in contrast to clinical work. So eg he spends all day operating and then has to do a load of follow-up letters and forms for each operation.

Oh dear.
Sounds to me as, due to the demands of his work, he's left you. Where is he in his head on this? Is he happy with it?
And where are you? Would you be happier being openly alone, without the one-day-a-week marriage?