To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

Yes I assumed it is same poster too.

I think he should make an effort to come home on Friday evening and spend some time on Saturday with you and the toddler. Long term, I would suggest prioritising living together, but this may mean you need to compromise - maybe you can’t live near your family. How difficult would it be for you to change roles if he gets a permanent contract? Don’t have another child until you have negotiated a better situation.

This doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

If he's a new hospital consultant, then he's on a time sensitive, not a professional style contract. (GPs are very different and don't seem to have that protection).

With time sensitive contracts, you work to a job plan and anything over 10 sessions (a session is a half day) is by agreement only.

Job plans cover everything you do, they should leave nothing out. Clinical work, admin, audit, CPD, appraisal preparation...everything.

One or more of the following is happening:

1. He's agreed to work and be paid for more than 10 sessions (so he will get paid less if he stops working the Saturday)
2. He can't fit all his work into his job plan and its spilling over in which case he needs to talk to his boss/clinical lead (whoever is responsible for his job plan reviews) about what he's going to stop doing to make it fit.
3. He is voluntarily doing extra
4. He has an additional academic role outside of his job plan
5. He is doing some sort of PG study to enhance his CV

Ultimately, you should have a chat with him. You have a child together. You're entitled to know what he is doing and why. It's highly likely this is about his choices/boundaries around workload...which is fine I suppose if you've both agreed he will pursue his career "above and beyond" at the expense of more involvement at home. Ask him, is it in his job plan, is it paid etc..

BTW if job plans aren't working, consultants have the right to request job plan review, and mediation if agreement can't be reached. If he has been working Saturday mornings for nothing, he may even be entitled to back pay (in some circumstances).

This is what I'd do.

I often work until 6pm, and also work extra late every Wednesday evening (dd at her dad's) so I have 4pm Friday onwards clear for family time.

Why isn't he doing his admin in the evenings? 90 mins a day is all it needs, and he's not doing any family stuff so, why not.

Sounds like

1. He will be working long hours away for the foreseeable future
2. You desperately need a break and a few little treats to top up your tank

Luckily

1. He must earn a good salary

So, start sending your DD to a childminder for a few half days if you can. Also, with your family nearby, see if you can build in Saturday arrangements with them to help take the load off - could someone have her for a couple of hours in the day? Could they pop round and help you with the ironing after her bedtime, maybe batch cook a meal together and share some of it?

Make the absolute most of what you do seem to have - a decent household income, and family nearby.

So a 9month contract but he's been doing it for 11 months? Or have I misunderstood.

It sounds very challenging and not at all conducive to family life. I can fully appreciate why you are fed up.

Would it help for you to have a babysitter? I mean, it doesn’t change the family dynamic but at least you'd get some time to yourself.

To be honest, it would be a deal breaker for me. What is the point of having a family if you are away from them most of the time?

Once he gets a more permanent position hopefully it should ease. My husband got a call from his Consultant yesterday checking up on him so I can believe that he is working when he says he is.

If he’s a consultant he will be able to work anywhere. Why doesn’t he work at your nearest trust? Even if it means a slight pay cut?

It's not martyrdom, it's just what the job is. The NHS is horrifically under-resourced, under-staffed and under pressure. If we don't work at that level and intensity, people die, it's as simple as that.

It would be lovely to have more people to share the work but in a lot of cases they don't exist.

When we raise concerns about the state of the NHS, we're told "work harder". When people ask for more money to financially compensate for the work we have to do, they're told they're already 'over-paid'.

It is SO hard to parent alone all week and I feel your pain on that one however I do think that in your circumstances he is being reasonable and realistic to take over on a Sunday each week. However you definitely need a discussion at the end of this contract that the working hours/working away is not working for you and your family and whether there are other options longer term? I know he did this prior to DD but things are different now and you don’t always know how you will feel or how things will impact on your family unit until after the baby is born. Definitely be open and honest with him to prevent resentment building and look at whether he can consider other options longer term

Dispensable? Who do you think pays for OP to stay home?

That sounds really tough @wpur.

When my eldest was a baby my DH had to work away from home. He left on a Sunday night and came home on Friday afternoon. It sucked, but it wasn’t forever.

If were you, I’d rather my DH came home on the Friday even if it meant spending all day Saturday in his office.

Did she say she wanted to stay home?

I don't know if she does or doesn't, but I'm a bit 🤔 at the idea that 6 days a week 24 hours a day alone with a 17 month old is some kind of luxury lifestyle choice.

An AI tool can't do the things I do, there are bits of my job where I'm pretty much the only person in a 50 mile radius who can do them.

And we can't just buy or write our own programmes to automate things. All IT systems need to be approved by the health service (and other linked agencies) as they're dealing with crucial and highly personal data. I'm not even allowed to write my own code to automate non-clinical things, and IT nearly had a heart attack when I suggested a Linux distro might be helpful...

Every single evening, I assume

Meanwhile OP has said that she works!

Everything is ON YOU? Do you mean you have to support the family financially as the only bread-winner?

I missed this too, but as a PP just said, she also works. Have you ever been solely responsible for a small child 6 days and nights a week? You seem to think it's a walk in the park.

You know exactly what OP means by that, you're trying to make a point but as OP has said that she always works, I don't think it's working well for you. Her husband isn't the sole earner in the household, he does get to do his job unnumbered by pesky family life and responsibilities though.

Nobody, considering that she works.

I would have loved to have been in OP's shoes. I have a friend, who is equally ungrateful, demanding her high earner husband helps her with a newborn, after a stressful day at work (he is a consultant too). When I gave birth, I was self-employed, with a husband who tried to start a business (no income at all), no parents nearby to help. My husband's business never took off, I was the sole provider, no sick pay, no holiday pay, no maternity, obvs. After a few years of his unsuccessful start-up, I forced him to stop this idiocy with his 'business start up' and get a regular job, by which time our DC was 3. All this time I was responsible for earning, childcare (when I did not travel for work which was 6 days a month) and I was helping him to get his bloody business off the ground. So yes, I do think a consultant husband and staying at home with a child is a walk in the part, forgive me. I also think the OP is in an enviable financial position.

How does he make the five hour journey? If driving, could he do it by train and do some of the admin on the train. It can't all be confidential.

Just because you don't have any standards it doesn't mean other people don't. Of course a father who has a wife and children should participate in family life rather than opt out. In OPs situation he could easily come back late Friday or Saturday but for whatever reason he doesn't want to/can't be bothered, I'd also be reluctant to put up with that.

Friends husband has just been made a consultant. He's working like this. After studying and being unavailable as a daddy they naively thought things would improve. My friend goes to her mums at the weekend or her parents come to her. You have to ask will it ever get easier.

I’m sorry but this post comes across as martyrdom in the extreme. Why would you allow this sort of working practice/expectations to persist when people’s lives at stake? (Which is true even if not doing clinical work with patients, because of effect on waiting lists, procurement, logistics etc)

Not martyrdom. Just the state of the NHS after 13 years of Tory underfunding. Trust me, I want a life again and to not work like this. We all do.