To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

I haven't had a day to myself in 2 years so I would grab it with both hands

Hi OP. Is the admin stuff he could do during the week on an evening if he was more organised? Is so then he should absolutely do that and come back on Friday evening. If it's not then I'm not sure what either of you can do other than put up with this situation for another few months - or one of you quit your job.

Sorry but ‘high up in the NHS’ doesn’t mean he has to work Saturdays unless he’s a hands on consultant type role or unless his contract states he needs to work every Saturday until late - sounds very dubious!

He needs to work harder not longer, so he makes it home to you and DD Friday afternoon/night.

That being said, he’s being pretty sweet having DD all day Sunday so you can do anything you want/family time. Imagine if he was coming home late Saturday night and then being a selfish arse all day Sunday.

If this is only gonna be for a short number of months, I’d just suck it up and see how best you can survive (remember military spouses don’t see their partners or kiddos for 6+ months at a time and manage fine).

If we assume his role needs the 6 days (lots of posters have already questioned this anyway but some have said it's plausible), then it's worth thinking what could you do to make things easier for yourself. Could you cut down one of your days but keep your DD in childcare so that you can get a break, get jobs done at home etc? Do you have a cleaner or any other help? If it's important to you that he's home on a Friday night even if he's working all Saturday then I would explain this to him too. Also worth a conversation about what the future looks like and whether there are any options to cut his hours or find something more family friendly after this 9 months is up.

Is he being paid for his Saturday day? NHS is normally 5 days - he’s giving an extra 30 hours a month for free if he’s not being paid.
Hes unavailable to you? You said he’s a workaholic - have you looked at your life? What does he bring? People work too much to avoid connections - lots of research on it if you Google.
your a single parent.

My husband has a very senior role and often has to work evenings/weekends. Given your situation I would ask your DH to do Saturday admin on an evening. Then spend weekends together (him coming home Friday night), and then in the afternoons of the weekend you get a little time to yourself.

Assuming that his claims about his workload are true (which they might not be) and he's also working evenings in the week, I still don't understand why he's rather be away from OP and DD on Saturday.

My DH often has to catch up with work at weekends, but at least he's here. The kids can run in and see him and bring their latest picture and he can stop work - for literally 30 seconds - and express amazement and wonder at their artistic genius, then he cracks on. They see their father is there, they understand he needs to work, they know he'd rather be spending time with them and occasionally, when he hits a wall, he'll come out of his office and run after them until he catches them and tickles them - which they love. That's a very different situation than with the OP's H.

So many PP have made the same point - he's choosing time alone (if it is alone) over evening meal on Friday, breakfast and dinner (at least) on Saturday with his family.

I work in the NHS too on a lower level than him and I spend saturday and much of Sunday doing admin, I'm pissed off with it. There is always just so much to do all of the time I feel it will never end. The NHS is always pushing for us to do work that isn't actually possible for one person to do.
Luckily I live on my own and I'm retiring in 5 years or I'd cry I think.
Your options are put up with it or he looks for a permanent job nearer home. I'm quite sure he isn't thrilled about it either.

Exactly my thoughts as well

My husband has a CEO type role. He gets paid for 37 hours but regularly works 70 hour weeks. At this role and high salary the expectations are totally different. He doesn't even use his annual leave allowance fully. We've never even taken a holiday where he hasn't worked.

However, he often takes every other weekend off and will work until midnight through the week so we have family time together. He then does some admin Sunday afternoon while the kids watch a film or something though.

Gosh lots of men apologists on here! The current job was not what he and op signed up for. He's now changed the goalposts by not coming home until late Saturday evening. It doesn't matter how 'high' he is in the NHS or whether he's a 'workaholic' he has a family now and he can't carry on letting his wife do everything apart from his job! Any father worth the name would be home as early Friday as possible and leave Monday morning regardless of 'admin' load.

So many women with standards in the gutter 😄 thinking it’s ‘sweet’ of the deadbeat to parent the his kid for a couple of hours a month. So depressing.

As others have said, the OP's DH should be doing everything humanly possible to get his admin done during weekday evenings and clearing as much of the weekend as possible.

Even if he can't get rid of all his admin, and some has to be done on Saturday, there is still a benefit from him being physically home for the OP, for their DC and for their relationship. Even if he has to do admin, I am sure he could find 10 minutes for a coffee, or a sandwich together at lunchtime, or play with the DC for half an hour while OP has a shower. Just being there would make a difference to OP and their DC, even if he can't do very much.

But he can probably do more than he thinks if he really tries.

I am not suggesting that the OP's DH is doing anything malicious or behind OP's back, but it does sound that out of several non-ideal alternatives, he has chosen the one that is easiest for him.

You knew all of this before you had a baby with him. Yet you still chose too, why is that? Can he not do some admin every day so he isn't working on Saturday, what kind of hours does he do? If you want him home on Friday night, state your case.

Since you are doing everything on your own plus working I'd make sure you have a cleaner and do whatever else makes your life easier so hello fresh etc for meals. If you are adamant that you want to continue living where you are (near family) then can you not ask grandparents to have her for a few hours on Saturday to give you a break? Ultimately he's tied into the 9 month contract so I would suck it up for now.

I would though have a conversation about how you are essentially a single parent and that isn't what you sighed up for, I'd make it clear that going forward as he looks for his next contract you won't support this type of work pattern. I appreciate with the cost of living money is important but if you'd rather he took a pay cut or less 'high up' job with better hours then say so.

I also think it's sad that he won't consider doing the admin at home because at least then he'd see his child that bit more.

I had a colleague like that in a managerial role. He was a "workaholic" too. In truth, we had the same work load, yet I was blasting thru it as I refused to work unpaid, but he fannied about during his working hours, working late during the week and also taking the laptop home and working on Saturday. I think it was also a big show of " look how dedicated I am, working Saturday". I felt sorry for his wife who had to raise the kids practically single handed.

This exactly ! Me and my partner both work, we have one day off a week together and one day off without each other but we still have the kids those days. Loads of parents don't get a single day to themselves so really one day a week to yourself is great

Doesn't he have staff to do the admin if he's very senior?

How long is left op? You said 9 months fixed contract, left when baby was 6 months and now she's 17 so sounds like you're really at the tail end? I wouldn't be happy at the initial proposal but it seems long down the line to complain.

If you get a day off, you get no family time and she must barely recognise him. Is he ok with that or is he desperate to get a job nearer home?

YANBU and as someone in a similar role with similar patterns (previously) I have to say that what he’s telling you reeks of bullshit…it’s just not a requirement to spend a day a week doing “admin”. If it’s replying to emails, reading reports, drafting reports, checking data submissions…whatever, can certainly be done between meetings or in the evenings in the week. At best he is bullshitting himself about what he can and can’t do in his actual working hours- and at worst he is bullshitting you, because it suits him. Really sorry OP, this is horrible for you but IMO you are right to be angry and this is absolutely NOT in your head :( xx

Why is he not clearing his admin nightly?

Think your hubby is trying hard for a solution. Do you have family nearby that coukd give you a break. When my kids were small my husband was away for up to 2 weeks at a time. I never got a single break as no family nearby. It was hard but I just accepted there were other benefits like not having to cook a different meal every day, less laundry and only tidyed up when he was due home.

l mean, it doesn't sound like he's getting a full day off to himself to do whatever he wants so I vote that YABU. Personally, If Sunday is his one day off a week, I think you need to alternate who takes on childcare each week so you both get a decent break at least once every other weekend.

What does 'admin' even mean? Is it work or his personal stuff? If it's his life admin then that needs to fit into evenings, he's being ridiculous. One day a week is not enough to sustain your relationship or his with DD.

This. Surely a committed father and husband would want to spend as much time as possible with his wife and children? But by offering to give you Sunday for yourself, it's almost as if he's trying to avoid spending time with you.

And as he's been living the life of a single man for the last year or more, why hasn't he been doing his admin in the evenings so he can come home to the family on a Friday night and enjoy being with you all? Why is he routinely expected to work a six-day week?

Something's wrong here, OP. I know/ have known high-flying solicitors and barristers, the deputy head of finance for my local health board, the manager of a major local veterinary business with nine separate practices — and none of them work regularly at the weekend. Maybe an hour or two every now and then, but even a former partner of mine who was the area ops manager for British Gas wasn't expected to routinely work at weekends unless it was scheduled — and then they got time off in the week. Does he get a day off in the week?

Do you holiday together? Does he take his full holiday allowance? In your shoes I'd be concerned. It's as if he's abandoned family life almost completely.

He's choosing not to have a full day off. He's going back to his non-family life Sunday evening but making it sound like he's a caring husband.