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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

504 replies

wpur · 29/01/2024 11:16

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:
FlynnD93 · 30/01/2024 23:31

Read OP’s post again 🤣

Mamanyt · 31/01/2024 00:03

Let's see...you're working six days a week in the home, with a day off offered.
He's working six days a week at his job, and willing to take over child care on his one day off so you can have that day off.

Who is being unreasonable?

And THAT said, that kind of schedule will become untenable for BOTH of you very quickly.

Heather37231 · 31/01/2024 00:18

Scirocco · 30/01/2024 23:00

And an answer can be anything from one word to a "forwarding to [the relevant person]" to an "I'll address this on [Saturday, probably, for OP's husband] to an hour of work to stabilise a patient. The emails that don't get a full response or full read on the day of sending then need to be dealt with, within an appropriate timeframe.

Several hours worth of work in an evening or at night is normal for a lot of us.

If it helps explain things, a typical non-emergency/not-on-call work day for me may involve:
Get up with the DC, breakfast, play or reading time, nursery drop-off.
Into work early - find out what's happened overnight and what I'm walking into.
Ward reviews/MDTs usually start at about 9 and finish before 12 so we can get the trainees off to lunchtime teaching if it's on, and get jobs arising from the round/MDT underway in time for same-day results.
'Lunchtime' is time to get up to speed on the issues arising in the morning while I was busy elsewhere, fire-fight some of those and get ready for the afternoon. Very little lunch is actually had.
An afternoon clinic could start at 1 and go on til 4ish. Here is where I'm a bit firm about appointment allocations so that I can get home for DC's bedtime. At lunchtime I'll have prepared for all the known patients coming and made sure patients are allocated to appropriate clinicians.
4pm - get back to chasing those investigation results, arranging things for outpatients, checking on ward patients.
5:30pm - off to pick up DC on my agreed days. If not a pick-up day, I'll usually be on the ward or in my office until 6.
Then I spend time with DC.
Once DC's in bed, remote working means I can log back in and get a few hours of work done, including checking and answering emails. I'll usually try to get to bed for 1ish.

Edited

Perfect. A description with reference to actual tasks and hours of work done, rather than quantities of emails. For about the millionth time (see-exaggeration for effect!) I am not, and never have been, arguing that you don’t work extremely hard, and very long hours. Indeed the original “250 urgent emails to reply to every evening” poster was not you, it was someone in a non patient- facing management role. It was the quantification methodology that I was disputing.

Scirocco · 31/01/2024 00:26

Hopefully that helps explain how we can easily end up with large volumes of emails needing answered. I'm fortunate, I'm part of a really nice team and we have some good systems in place for task distribution. I'm also not looking to progress further for a few years yet at least - I want my DC to actually see me!, and I know where my own strengths lie and that's much more in the direct patient care areas rather than in upper management. But OP's husband doesn't sound like he's somewhere he wants to be long-term if he's locuming far from home, so he'll also need to think about how to make himself competitive for job vacancies, which takes up more time.

853ax · 31/01/2024 01:34

Could you get a babysitter once or twice during the week get out for a walk or gym class.

justjuggling · 31/01/2024 02:13

A whole day for admin when he’s in a senior level NHS role? Does he not have admin support? Or if he’s away from home all week, could he do some in the evenings? I’m also in a senior level NHS role plus a single parent raising 2 DC. Either his job has unrealistic expectations or he needs advice on how to better manage his time and/or admin support provided for him.

justjuggling · 31/01/2024 02:16

Apologies, just realised he might be a senior clinician rather than manager. If so he needs to highlight the situation to his clinical supervisor as it seems the expectations are unrealistic and significantly impacting negatively on his work/life balance.

MCOut · 31/01/2024 04:58

Every single Saturday? At the very least this job is not tenable and he has to have them look at his workload. How long is left on the contract?

Orangello · 31/01/2024 05:14

you're working six days a week in the home, with a day off offered. He's working six days a week at his job

OP works in her job and is also working on top of that doing childcare and housework every evening and night . He has every evening and night but one free.

EmeraldA129 · 31/01/2024 05:27

if hes staying away all week would he not be better to do some admin each midweek evening? You need to see each other to, it’s not just about time off from dd.

TheHoover · 31/01/2024 05:42

did OP confirm whether DH is indeed a consultant on 12 PAs or is this speculation/ comparison? If he is, why would a consultant ever need to relocate or be on a 9 month contract? It doesn’t add up.

I don’t know many NHS jobs that cannot be done locally. I suspect he has got himself into a niche or project-based discipline where jobs are few and far between. But in taking this role he has prioritised his career (and maybe money) over everything else. People frequently take a step down or sideways for other more meaningful benefits such as a shorter commute and lighter workload/reduced pressure.

Time for a serious talk about what he will do after this 9 month period ends. Everyone has choices.

Gruhgahkle · 31/01/2024 05:57

PinkyFlamingo · 29/01/2024 11:23

If he works for the NHS then he will have contracted hours. What are those? If it's 37 and a half hours Monday to Friday for example then if he can't get his admin done within this there is something far wrong with his workload

If he's a doctor it would be 48 or 56 hours.

barkymcbark · 31/01/2024 07:36

Does he actually want a family? Doesn't sound like it. He probably likes the thought of it and being able to tell people he has one. But being present isn't in his game plan

Futb0l · 31/01/2024 07:38

He's disorgsnised/not working effectively or he's bullshitting. I don't know anyone including CEOs, who routinely works 6 day weeks..

user18 · 31/01/2024 07:45

Futb0l · 31/01/2024 07:38

He's disorgsnised/not working effectively or he's bullshitting. I don't know anyone including CEOs, who routinely works 6 day weeks..

Agreed. I know lots of consultants. DHs best friend also runs a very large hospital. He isn’t telling you the truth OP.

Futb0l · 31/01/2024 07:56

To clarify i also know loads of consultants and some v senior nhs management and they do not work away all week every evening AND all day every single saturday.

Scirocco · 31/01/2024 08:14

TheHoover · 31/01/2024 05:42

did OP confirm whether DH is indeed a consultant on 12 PAs or is this speculation/ comparison? If he is, why would a consultant ever need to relocate or be on a 9 month contract? It doesn’t add up.

I don’t know many NHS jobs that cannot be done locally. I suspect he has got himself into a niche or project-based discipline where jobs are few and far between. But in taking this role he has prioritised his career (and maybe money) over everything else. People frequently take a step down or sideways for other more meaningful benefits such as a shorter commute and lighter workload/reduced pressure.

Time for a serious talk about what he will do after this 9 month period ends. Everyone has choices.

From reading OP's posts, it sounds like her husband is a locum consultant. That means he doesn't have a permanent position but instead is employed on a temporary contract. This is actually fairly common. Locum contracts might be for a few weeks, a few months, a year or more, or done on a month-to-month basis long-term. A locum might, for example, cover someone's maternity leave in one place, then move to a vacant post elsewhere to cover someone's secondment, then move to bridge the gap between someone retiring and the new person starting.

There are a lot of jobs that can't just be done at your local hospital. Not every hospital has all specialties in it - a lot of health boards/trusts may have a system where, for example, one hospital has the area's renal specialists, another has the neonatal unit, another has the cardiac cath lab. And even if your local hospital has a specialty, that doesn't mean they'll have a consultant vacancy in it.

Getting a first permanent consultant post can be hard, just like getting your foot in the door in any field. Let's say that an opportunity comes up to apply for one at a hospital near his family, near good schools and transport links, etc. Great, he puts in his application. So do other people who want to work in the nice convenient area with the good schools. And those people may well include people with years of consultant-level experience, additional qualifications and skills, publications, etc. If he gets the job, that's good, but if he doesn't, then another job in that team may not come up for several years.

A lot of people therefore spend a few years doing locum jobs, in part to build up a good CV and make future applications competitive.

If OP and her husband are now in a situation that can't be maintained by them long-term, then he may well need to explore options for non-consultant posts closer to home. Other options could include compressing hours, moving to less-than-full-time, outsourcing more and using technology to stay in touch more during the week, etc.

LameBorzoi · 31/01/2024 08:14

No, it's entirely possible to have that much work in a clinical role. And it just needs to be done. It's often things like writing clinical reports, and there aren't always people to delegate to.

LameBorzoi · 31/01/2024 08:22

@Futb0l Nonsense. It's not every consultant, but it sure as hell happens.

Thegoodbadandugly · 31/01/2024 09:49

LameBorzoi · 31/01/2024 08:22

@Futb0l Nonsense. It's not every consultant, but it sure as hell happens.

I think some people on here are so full of shit it's unreal! Given the state of the NHS the A&e all round the country being overwhelmed where people are dying in the waiting rooms or corridors, or the queues of ambulances outside a&e for hours on end and people still find it hard to believe and hard to believe something like this! Until of course they have to visit A&e then they will soon change their minds!

Futb0l · 31/01/2024 10:10

Lameborzoi

Even in the unlikely scenario he has to work every single saturday for months on end...

He is making a choice to be in this job. Its not a job compatible with his responsibilities as a parent, so he needs to find a different one.

Spiderzed · 31/01/2024 10:22

Having worked with many doctors working away from their families I'd be fairly suspicious of not coming back Friday evening/early Saturday to be honest.

Thegoodbadandugly · 31/01/2024 10:26

Spiderzed · 31/01/2024 10:22

Having worked with many doctors working away from their families I'd be fairly suspicious of not coming back Friday evening/early Saturday to be honest.

So if your working in a hospital till 6pm and have a 6 hour drive you would be happy doing that on the Friday?

Spiderzed · 31/01/2024 10:30

Thegoodbadandugly · 31/01/2024 10:26

So if your working in a hospital till 6pm and have a 6 hour drive you would be happy doing that on the Friday?

Hence the.. wait for it... early Saturday ie not when their child is in bed already. Do you seriously believe he spends every Saturday doing admin even though he could do it at home? He's at least enjoying an extra day doing as he pleases with zero family responsibilities which is sad as OP also works and you'd think he would want to see his family. As an aside my DH when he worked away would come back whenever he could, a 4 hour drive to spend as much time with us as he could from his own decision- never forced him to.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2024 10:34

Op why don’t you take him up on his offer and make Sunday a self care day for yourself?

get yourself off to a spa day and leave him and baby at home

WINNER!