To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

@Spiderzed I've been in a very similar situation to OP's husband. Working at home does not work . Or at least, it takes twice as long, thanks to crappy health remote access and interruptions. Being out of the house was the only option.

It wasn't the only option, even if this is the case and it would be harder at home I'm sure he could figure it out for the sake of his family ie do it in the evenings when he has nothing else to do. If he wanted to he would is invariably true for most situations.

Where did the 6 hour drive come from?

@Futb0l Actually, it's quite possible that he does not have a choice. That workload isn't that unusual. I've done it. He has committed to that contract. Medicine is a very small world, especially for a consultant building a career. There are still plenty of places where pushing back against those hours, or quitting, means that he says goodbye to future local job opportunities.

I'm sure he could figure something out if he was bothered. He isn't.

I think the PP you were referencing listed literally everything they might ever possibly be expected to do, rather than a single day. Their descriptions read a bit like a corporate-speak word salad at times, and not a daily list of actual tasks/responsibilities.

Absolutely no doubt the workload is onerous and requires long hours, but lumping in every eventuality just makes it end up sounding like an amplification.

@Rainsew No, I've had times where it's just not possible. You can be working across multiple platforms, some of which just don't work from external access. Or it actually takes so much longer that you end up spending LESS time with your family.

@Spiderzed I'm telling you that I've been there and done that. WFH can be either but possible or the worst option.

*not possible or the worst option

Did you mean my day? If so, no, that's just a 'routine' day. Not including on-calls, emergencies, training, reports, etc.

@SpidersAreShitheads No, that's a standard day.

@SpidersAreShitheads Actually, that's a day that's gone to plan.

Yep, this! That's a nice, straightforward, easy day.

I'm not arsed if you've been there or not, did you really opt out of family life for 6 days a week with a partner that worked and a small child? Would you have not found a way to complete the work during the week or a way to manage it so you could spend more than 24 hours with them? Sad if so and a bit pathetic in honesty- reality is he's not that bothered in putting himself out for the family he chose to have.

@Scirocco @LameBorzoi - apologies to both, I realised after I posted that it might seem as if I was referencing the wrong people!

It wasn't either of your posts I was referring to.

If anything @Scirocco I thought your description of your day sounded slightly less hectic than I was expecting and not overinflated at all (although undoubtedly still a vast amount of work and perpetual long days).

I was referencing a PP a few pages back which @Heather37231 initially expressed scepticism about. There was a lot of very vague waffle and corporate buzz words which didn't really say very much - it came across as a bit puffed up tbh and sounded as if they were listing quite literally every single thing that might ever possibly crop up.

Again, apologies both.

Sometimes people make short-term sacrifices for longer-term gains. I know a lot of people who have needed to make similar sacrifices and miss out on time with their families in order to give their families better living conditions or more opportunities in the longer-term.

OP - do you have any help with childcare during the week? That would be my suggestion. You both sound over-worked. It’s the situation you’re in.

I am in a similar position with my DH and two kids. I get help EOWeend and grab a few hours on those weekends, but also let my DH do somethings on his own.

I balance it by using childcare in the week and working PT.

@Spiderzed I did one job like that pre - kids. Admin after I got home late in the evening, back into work in the weekends in order to keep up.

One similar job post kids. Yes, my husband did of most of the child raising alone. I did my best to put in boundaries. I failed the term as a result of those boundaries, and this very nearly cost me my career.

@SpidersAreShitheads no worries, the thread's pretty confusing at this point! The job's busy, but with good organisation and a good team things can run efficiently. I'm lucky enough to have a local job and nursery, too, which makes it easier.

So many people just do not understand the insane workload on doctors and their awful working conditions.

They don’t understand it because it is - as I said - insane. Far too much, and ridiculous expectations.

Are you aware that most doctors (outside of GPs) also don’t get a lunch break? Or in fact any scheduled break the entire day, despite working 10 hour shifts? They just have to squeeze in a loo break or food whenever their day allows.

OP I know someone who has been in a similar situation to you. Married a doctor, who had a combo of high pressure job and needing/wanting to impress and the workplace culture expected them to be available all the time. She was fine with this pre-baby as fairly independent herself. It was impossible to predict just how hard it would be when they had a baby: her loss of independence and his continued absence/prioritising of work lead to serious relationship and mental health issues.

The only thing I can say OP is either you two learn from this situation and he has to put his family higher on the priority list (ie not taking jobs that require him to be away); and fwiw the couple I mention above did make changes and are ok now. Their experience with the second dc was much better.

Get yourself off to a spa on Sundays Op or for cocktails with your pals!

I think it's good that he's offering you a day to yourself on Sundays, meaning you can have some time off to do whatever you would like.
But where is the family time for you to do something together? You are living two separate lives and he has his "contact time" with his daughter on a Sunday and you get time out. You might as well be divorced.
I think he should come home on Friday night and finish whatever admin he needs to do on Saturday, as quickly as possible. That means at least you would get to spend some time together on Friday evening, Saturday afternoon and evening and you could have some time to do your own thing on Sunday.
Why can't he get through the majority of the admin work on weekday evenings?

To be honest I'd be wondering why it sounds like he's checked out of his relationship with you. Staying away on the Saturday is a bit odd really and then he doesn't seem bothered about not spending time with you on Sunday because he's more than happy for you to have time off to do your own thing.

This whole scenario needs rethinking if you want your relationship with him to remain strong.

Expectations on Clinicians in the NHS are unrealistic. There are never enough people, or hours in the day. Thinking that the Clinicians supervisor can do something to ease the load is naive I’m afraid.

My husband worked for an oil company and was abroad for 4 months at a time. I managed 2 children , one dog and worked part time in a Care Home. I managed and my children have done very well. You can manage too if you really want to.

@Nipsmum - hats off to you - it's never easy doing it alone. In fairness to the OP, she works full time, and also, is not a willing participant in his working away from home. Presumably, in your case, this is a discussion you and your husband had, and you both agreed on the outcome? Whereas she seems to have been railroaded into it, almost by stealth.