To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

That sounds very tough. Your husband was horribly irresponsible. I agree the OP's in a decent financial position (from what I can see) and should buy in help. It is very tough not having anyone around in the evenings and nights too - not sure if you also experienced that, but obviously it means you have to do every little bit of housework, maintenance, errands, emergencies, nobody to lend a hand with the tiniest thing while you're wrangling a toddler. I can see I don't have to tell you how hard looking after a child is, but I did mistake you for a men's rights activist with the way your posts came across.

I can't think of a single NHS role that would require an extra full day of admin every Saturday. Yes, most NHS staff work above and beyond, but if he's staying away all week then he can do that in the evenings when he's not helping out with DD or running the household! He should absolutely be coming home on Friday and being fully involved Saturday and Sunday.

Are you prepared to take a drop in living standards to have more time together? That's what I'd be looking at. I think arguing if it's best for him to come home Friday or Saturday evening isn't really the issue. It's not even like you can say it's just for 9 months as it sounds like you're just gonna face a new set of challenges in his next appointment.
Unfortunately your daughter is here. I would not have considered having a family whilst working those hours, but plenty do. Only you two can decide if you can make it work. What does this job actually give you both?

If it wasn't for these deadbeat parents the NHS would probably be more on its arse than it is now!

I hsve a feeling you've posted before about your DP's disengagement
If I'm correct this has been a constant in your relationship.
He doesn't want to see you or DD otherwise he'd at least come back on Fridays and work from home
At least you'd be under the same roof and could eat a meal together and he could perhaps give DD a bath and put her to bed

My sister had a 9 hour operation. The consultant called her at 9pm the night before she was due to be in hospital to reassure her and check how he she was doing. He was on the ward at 7am the day after the op. He was in and around the ward most of the day, and then visited her (and a couple of other patients) in the evening. When she was discharged he often called on a Sunday afternoon as he said that was the only time he had to make calls. He would write informal notes for us to give to the GP as he said the typed version could take 6 weeks to arrive.

He told us he loved hill walking but could only do that on his holidays as he always had to be available for emergencies with easy access to the hospital

I fully believe the OP's husband is working his arse off in our under-resourced NHS. It's not right but I'll always be grateful we have such dedicated professionals who care.

I think you would benefit from him being there on the Saturday daytime even if he's not able to do much hands-on - moral support, adult interaction, lunch together etc. You'd definitely benefit from him doing bed/bath on Saturday night and dinner together. I think if he absolutely can't rather than won't condense admin into weekday evenings, this would be a good compromise.

Things are different now you have a child. If you take all day for yourself Sunday you get no family time but I would be tempted to take the morning or afternoon for yourself and ask he picks a job with a better work/life balance when the contract is up. Or if he does his admin in the weekday evenings would that work so he can come back Friday evening?

I can. Most consultant level jobs require extra work of around that much just to maintain patient safety. I get away with 2-3 hours per day because I'm not contracted for 10 sessions. If I were, I'd easily have enough work to fill that amount of time.

When consultants say admin, what that actually includes is pretty much any aspect of the job that isn't directly interacting with patients.

If OP's husband wants to establish himself as a consultant, practise safely and develop a competitive CV to hopefully apply for a substantive post in a more suitable location, he will need to work at least this much or the LTFT/pro-rata equivalent. It's a decision that really does need to have been made as a family decision, though - as while he's away doing that, OP is left doing everything at home 6 days a week which isn't great if that's not what she signed up for.

@wpur I don't know if your husband has options around hours, but could he ask about compressing his hours into 4 or even 4.5 days? That way, while he'd still have the same amount of admin, he could maybe re-balance how clinical work, non-clinical work, family and travel fit into the available time.

I really cannot understand some people f these replies at all, the op said she could relocate but all her family is around so she has support. I presume her husband has a long drive on the Mon and the Fri, does admin Saturday and has offered op full day to herself on a Sunday or family time.

Probably living in a nice big house, with nice family holidays and nice car. Could be wrong.

If this is the case io has family so she can ask for help off them or she can pay for a nanny, childminder or babysitter so that on the Sunday you can all have an amazing day together.

As I said before I spoke to a consultant recently who is very hands on, checked on his patients two or three hours after op and I'm talking 9 o clock at night and probably later sometimes so may not get chance to get paperwork done on those evenings, they talked about their work life balance which was probably 95 percent work hardly any life balance and I felt ever so sorry for them.

Op your husband is missing out on life and they probably know it, it probably eats away at them, you only have one life and when it's gone you can't replay it, you get to see your child's mile stones, it probably cuts very deep that your husband doesn't, but do you know what? Life is incredibly difficult in the NHS and your husband is saving lives. Unfortunately you can't have it all ways.

Is it greed with money or necessity to live this way?
Nobody who is 'high up in the NHS' HAS to work 6 days a week by law. 5 days should be perfectly acceptable and if it isn't I'd be looking for a new job. What was the point of him having a child. He sees her one day a week, that's shocking.

I agree it's unacceptable but also you signed up to it knowing what he does, however you'd think his priorities would change once your daughter was born.

We all have to work and miss out on things with our children here and there but this seems excessive.

Same. I know someone who works as a typist for a neurosurgery consultant. She does his private clinics, of which there are between 2-5 a week. She regularly gets in contact with his secretary who deals with his NHS clinics, of which she believes there are 4-5 a week. Plus surgeries. She speaks to his wife regularly too, who also works and looks after their 4 kids. He never stops. Even on annual leave he checks in on his patients.

I think to be at that level there has to be a certain dedication to the job. It's their lives. Family, a bit sadly, has to slot around it.

OP's husband may be different, but if it's helpful, my work admin includes: writing/dictating letters and reports, reading and acting/planning based on correspondence to me, chasing up results from tests, arranging other tests, doing assessments and planning training/supervision for junior colleagues, reviewing and writing quality assurance or incident reports, and other similar tasks. It can easily take over 2-3 hours per night, plus work on days 'off'. And that's just the norm.

It's certainly not the norm, unless it's job planned. You'd be on 15 sessions for this.

You seriously need to sit down with your CD and either get paid for this or ask them what they want you to drop so it fits into your 10 sessions.

I'm CD and I be appalled if one of my colleagues was having to do this!!

OP, I think he's lying. He may well be working, but he doesn't have to work. He's either hideously disorganised so can't fit it into his normal day, or he prefers working to being with you. If he's on a short term contract then that suggests he's a locum. No locum I've ever known works a second past 5pm and their admin is minimal (all patient related, nothing service development etc)

Er, yes, we do.

also, when is he proposing you do something together as a family?

It's literally in the opening post: "He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family"

She doesn’t stay home. She works.

He's got a point, if the work has to be done ( although why can't it be done during the week?) Can you hang in there until the end of this contract and then negotiate family/couple time before he signs up for the next contract?

I presume her husband has a long drive on the Mon and the Fri, does admin Saturday and has offered op full day to herself on a Sunday or family time.

But he doesnt, he drives back late Saturday when his child is in bed and then goes back Sunday night, indeed why doesnt he come back Friday or early Saturday?

In the context of his working hours it seems like a fair compromise, he gets evenings and you get Sundays.
But I can't think any job is worth not spending any time together. It's one thing when it was the two of you and tbf you knew what you signed up for but it sounds like a miserable life for both of you and for your DD who only sees her dad 1 day a week. I'd rather my DP worked in a minimum wage job than live like that tbh.

It's very much the norm in my subspecialty, unfortunately. As is the locum consultants working similar patterns.

Sometimes you don't get a choice and even if you're not contracted to be in work, you have to complete additional tasks to fulfil the role. This is coming from a teacher who works countless hours that I'm not paid for each day/week. It's not that I'm choosing to be away from my children or husband, but it's a necessity if I want to keep my job!

Re Sundays when op has Her Day Out and when dh is offering to have the baby (who he barely knows) all day. Probably op is still going to have to prep the meals beforehand and leave a list of instructions eg nap times. I'd be worrying all day if that was me!
Also dh's washing? Hopefully that's usually his job otherwise it's another chore to factor in on this gift of his.
As you can tell I'm a bit cynical. 🤔

A post by a clinical director further up explains how a consultant should manage this.

I thought this too! I worked at a MUCH lower level (band 7 nurse) and spent every evening when DD was in bed doing admin and half of Saturday so that I could work clinically in my paid hours due to the staffing crisis to support my team.. meant that the management/admin side of things had to be done evenings and weekends (I don’t do that job anymore!!)

I’m sorry, I still can’t believe that you deal with 500 emails every evening, 250 of which are urgent? That’s not physically or mentally possible for anyone to deal with. I do believe that your workload is huge and your resources must be limited, but this isn’t something that can be managed effectively by simply asking one individual to work longer hours.