To think giving me one day a week actually isn’t ok?? Or AIBU?

[wpur]

DH works away in the week and on Saturdays he has to do ‘admin.’ He is high up in the NHS and prior to having dd he did always work Saturdays in his office room in our house. I wouldn’t see him pretty much all day.

Since having dd he had to relocate for work, this was not his fault and he has taken the best job he can. It is not possible for him to come home in the week, it’s too far and would be pointless anyway as dd is long in bed before he gets back. No point me relocating with him as I have all my family nearby and his contact is only fixed for 9 months… then the search will begin again for another job.

He has started coming home late Saturday night (after dd is in bed) and then staying all day Sunday until she has gone to bed. He relocated for work when she was 6 months and she’s now 17 months. I am sick of doing everything alone. He has said I can take the entire day on a Sunday to myself, either go out alone or we all go out as a family, or he will do entertain her all day while I am in the house doing my own thing etc.

I feel like this is unacceptable and he should be back late Friday night to help on Saturdays too. He says it is pointless as he can’t avoid the Saturday admin work and he would just have to do it when back at home and it would take him longer to get through it. He thinks giving me a day to myself a week is sufficient in the circumstances. AIBU? I am so fed up and angry that I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

Yep and it’s never gonna change if they all just continue doing all the unpaid overtime! It’s totally ridiculous. Rather than asking for more pay, they should be asking for more staff and refuse to work out of their contracted hours.

If they just keep doing unpaid overtime, that helps nobody and the government don’t manage it better.

I think she must do, otherwise this post is beyond any reason and beyond even self-entitled, because how can one expect a provider to be a baby-sitter at the same time?

because how can one expect a provider to be a baby-sitter at the same time?

OP is not expecting her DH to go out working as a babysitter, unless I missed something. Working parents can of course be expected to parent their own children though, just like OP does. Or should she also not be expected 'to be a babysitter' as she works? What will they do with the kid, send to wolves to raise?

Even if he definitely has to do so much admin at the weekend then surely it is in everyone's interests for him to do it in the family home? That's what I don't get. I know loads of families where someone works really long hours but none of them would find this situation normal/acceptable/fair.

I don't think the set up is sustainable if you want any kind of family life. You need to sit down together with him and work out a plan where he spends at least the weekend with you and where he works out how you can live together long term.

This 6 day week is a choice. It might be good for his career progression, he might prefer it but I for 1 second don't buy it that his female collegues work 6 day weeks with toddlers. They make different choices and if he wants a family he has to make them too. He chose to have a child and honestly he is being no different to the much derided every other weekend dads. Honestly if you've got no financial issues I would push to reduce his work hours as soon as possible. If he resists any kind of change you at least know where you stand and that is 2nd to his work.

Sounds like a shitty situation but I think he's more generous than most partners offering you a day off. I'd take it

How low are some of the bars here? Would you say the same if a mum did no childcare for 6 days and then graciously offered the dad that hey, you can go out on Sunday, I will look after my own child! Wow what a hero!

Out of interest what job do you and your partner do?

Sounds odd they’d he’s got they much admin if he’s at such a high level

Why is this relevant to the discussion what we do? We don't know what OP does, she could also be working more than full time?
If you're so curious then I have a well paid career where I'm expected to work more than contracted hours, I often work evenings and weekends, plus have quite a bit of business travel. Yes I can pay for a nice house and car and holidays. So I guess I should not be expected to 'baby-sit'?
For some reason I think I wouldn't get mother of the year award if I had as little input into raising my children as OPs husband.

I think I would just feel some comfort knowing that my husband is around, albeit busy. I understand that your husband has unavoidable admin, but surely he takes lunch and dinner breaks and the evening out of admin? He could do those with you and your baby, so I feel that he is being unreasonable by taking a day of probable rest, on his own.

you just be exhausted with solo parenting. As he is senior in the NHS, are you able to get some paid help, so that you can have some rest during the week?

Honestly this just sounds madly unconvincing. I used to be a management consultant. My sister still is one in a famously all hours culture. Her boss has children and travels almost every day and she still isn't expected to do her admin on a Saturday, let alone needing to pretend it's an office day to get anything done.

In your husband's version, when do all of you spend any proper time together as a family? When do you and he spend time together?

Most of the people in my friendship group are consultants. Can’t think of one around all weekend, no matter the specialty. Your experience through your friends is extremely unusual.

To those working ridiculous hours in the NHS, what would happen if you just stopped?!

it cannot be sustainable to work 70+ hours a week with no end in sight.

who is in charge of setting your workload?

He is not in management consulting, he has a serious job.

If I stop, people die. There's nobody who'll do the work if I don't.

Ultimately, national funding decisions dictate resources, including staffing. If a health board or trust can only afford one whole time equivalent post in something, that's what it has. There isn't a quick fix, but the longer term solution would start with more funding for the NHS, better pay and working conditions for staff, and expansion of university and training placements. But that costs money and takes time. Additionally, changes to wider ranging policies about, eg, immigration mean it's harder to recruit internationally.

I have a senior role in the NHS and sometimes have overspill into the evening but rarely weekends. 37.5hr contracts noone should be doing a 6 day week especially not on a 9mth contract. He needs to address what he does mon - frid then come home.

I for 1 second don't buy it that his female collegues work 6 day weeks with toddlers.

Me neither.

This is exactly what my sister in law did when she was qualifying as a consultant. She had a baby and a toddler and worked all hours. She still does, 10 years on, although it's now just one weekend in 4.

My brother, who also has a Big Job just sorted stuff, plus they had paid help and family support.

I can't understand all the people who think the DH is swanning in at 9am and swanning home at 5pm to put his feet up while he's away. It just shows how clueless some people are about certain jobs.

But we don't know his hours.

He could well be doing 8-8 but then he could also do another hour 9-10 to get most admin sone that day and only a bit to finish Saturday morning or Sunday at home.

But it seems more likely he is just avoiding being at home by either being very inefficient or just lying about his work needs.
No invite for wife and baby to go up to his some weekends -then he'd get 10 hours extra time by not travelling and could do all admin then.

Nah. Band 8 and above in the NHS it's standard clause in contracts which says something like "The employee shall work any additional hours required to ensure the job is completed to a level commensurate with the role". Same in teaching, police, local government etc. You can't do just your 37.5 hrs and say "That's it lads, I'm done" and take your jacket and head home. In senior roles you just have to work until it's done. And that workload is ever increasing. And you don't get paid overtime. It's just seen as your job.

Take a look at the post by @Psychonabike, at 14:40 yesterday, who is someone who actually manages NHS consultants. The reality is, it would seem, somewhere in between contracted hours and “work all hours without complaint”.

I am in an industry myself where contracted hours are pretty meaningless and I absolutely have to work the hours needed to get the job done, so l completely understand that this goes with the territory in professional/senior roles. However there has never been a blanket expectation of a full day’s additional work every week and we would be supporting anyone who felt that this was necessary to review their working methods or pushing their managers to consider a different team structure.

@FarmGirl78

I have no idea what you are talking about. Banding doesn't apply to hospital medical consultants. They have a time sensitive contract which at no point changes into a non time sensitive, professional contract. There may be expectation but it's at odds with actual contracts, employment law and employment rights.

I know what all-nighters and working weekends are very well. You do what you must. But OPs husband has the option to go home on Friday - even if he needs to work, he can see his wife and child. He chooses not to, only gets there after the child is in bed on Saturday. That's the difference.

According to the Daily Mail and the government people like me do fuck all so apparently nothing would change if we stopped.

In reality, if every manager and administrator left their posts for 24 hours the whole hospital would come to a standstill as clinical work cannot continue without the support we give. Then there would be numerous threads on MN complaining that the NHS is broken - the NHS is broken, but that is the fault of the government that keeps us underfunded and working in conditions that are dangerous.

However, according to some posters those of us - clinical and non-clinical - who have described the reality of our days are exaggerating and being a martyr.