For not choosing the underprivileged child?

[PolitePeep]

Named changed for this as maybe outing, plus I probably sound like a huge bitch.

We have 1 DD age 12, hormonal tween stage. But generally a polite, thoughtful, well behaved kid.

DD has a few 'best' friends, one from school, one who's a sports team mate and one who she's known since a baby as I'm friends with the mum.

Having an only we are able to have kids over whenever DD fancies. Take a friend with us on days out etc.

School friend I find rude/ungrateful and treats me like I'm an annoyance and not to be interfering in her time with my DD.

Other two are polite and happy to chat while I'm giving them a lift home etc.

Here's the guilt part. The two polite friends each are from backgrounds where they get plenty of holidays, treats, days out etc.

I feel bad that I don't want to spend my weekend days with the school friend and so we invite one of the other two to days out/weekends away. As I know she won't get to visit where we're going.

My DD generally prefers to take one of the other girls as she sees the school one 5 days a week.

Should I feel guilty?

As it's your DD's preference I think YANBU. It would be different if she wanted the school friend and you persuaded her to choose one of the others.

You’re inviting the friend who your daughter wants to invite. No need to feel guilty.

However, at 12, they may not have a developed sense of social niceties- especially if her home life is lacking

If you are taking the one DD asks for each time then I see no reason for you to feel guilty.

Why would you feel guilty? You're bringing a friend for your dd that she wants to spend time with, not performing a public service.

Oh come on. She's not a charity case she's a school friend. You don't vet school friends on their privilege

Exactly this.

Thanks all.

I know deep down it's not a public service.

I just guess I feel like school friend could have days out to these places with us. The other two will usually have already been or could go if they wanted etc.

DD is always more excited to see the other two friends as one she only sees during sport and the other only for a couple of hours if I have her mum over etc.

I will admit to wording it "shall we see if child A or B would like to come ice skating with us" and not mention child C's name.

But - when she asks "can child C come over after school" I don't say no (unless I'd be saying no to anyone that evening due to other plans etc.)

No you shouldn’t feel guilty. It’s your hard earned money and you are not a charity.

i do feel for the school friend though, being ‘underprivileged’ and all.

Nobody wants to play a bit part in a Lady Bountiful complex.

Hence my name change. I didn't know what to say that wouldn't get me grief.

This child fits this definition:

"of a person) not enjoying the same standard of living or rights as the majority of people in a society."

Maybe it's not such a bad thing to leave the school friend out of expensive treats – I remember feeling really envious of school friends whose parents bought them loads of toys or, as we got older, clothes, records etc, but at school it was much less noticeable than when I was visiting their homes or socialising.

YANBU, she sounds rude, it’s not your job to give good times to people who are rude.

This is also another reason (if she were more pleasant company anyway) that I'd feel hesitant to take her.

I'm just aware that of 3 friends it's only 2 who come with us to stuff. That's all.

Asking MN though I'm a arsehole whatever I do.

😢😢

It’s sad but not your responsibility. It’s nice that you’re able to treat these good friends.

And if she was polite and gracious it would be easier to involve her more, sadly she’s not because she’s either a rude child naturally or it’s the way she’s been brought up.

Thanks @QueenBean22

Yeah it is sad. I guess because I hear from DD this girls troubles with her older sisters, mum's struggles etc.

So I'll always give lifts, she can come here and I'm polite and give her whatever I'd do other after school visitors.

But there's only so much giving and not getting pleases or thank yous (or even recognition that I cooked/bought her favourite snack etc) that I can take in my own home. So when it's an extended day out/weekend etc I know it'd make me too frustrated.

You’re avoiding taking her out to maintain the out of school friendships and because of her own difficult behaviour, not because her parents have a low income. It’s fine.

It makes sense to take the friend that your DD wants. As someone who stood out at (an unusually affluent state) school as the under privileged kid, it can actually feel quite awkward to be taken on nice days out when you know you won't have the spending money or be able to return the favour. However please understand that the lack of niceties could well be linked to a difficult home life or differences in chance to socialise. Inviting them round is still a nice thing to do.

She should say please and thank you, but ‘recognition that i bought her favourite snack’ is asking for a lot from a 12 year old, I think? Like come on OP.

The original question is fine, you are not being unreasonable. You can invite whoever you want, where ever you want. I would also absolutely nip any attitude of being made to ‘feel like an annoyance’, and (more worryingly) the stuff about make you feel like you are ‘interfering’ when she’s spending time with your daughter. That sounds like she is controlling and I absolutely would not stand for that. But not being grateful enough for snacks? Get a grip.

@Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot

Impressed that I got to an hour before a "get a grip"

I have a grip, thanks.

I'm not expecting a 7 year old reply of "oh my goodness Daisy's mum I LOVE Freddo's thanks SO much. You're the BEST"

But if I say "Daisy told me you love white chocolate cookies so I grabbed these on my way back from work" as I hand the bag to them while they're watching a film. A "thank you" and a smile would make me feel less aggrieved than just taking the bag and looking like I was the biggest loser on the planet.

I think you've got to realise something - you buying her favourite snack and driving her around, it's easy for you

This kid is 12 and underprivileged - she's not necessarily rude 🤷‍♀️ she may never have been taught social niceties, she may not have been taught how to interact with adults in a healthy way, she may be intimidated by your dd's life or you, or (quite naturally) envious.

None of this is your fault but this kid is 12 and doesn't have the advantages your kid has so don't expect she knows how to do your type of life

Plus the cookies example is a great example of where you should feel sorry for her - maybe in her house doing favours comes with a catch

Or maybe no one thinks of her at all and doesn't buy her the cookies she likes

Both are SHIT

Maybe the weight of your expectation makes her feel awkward? I mean you already think of her as the ‘poor one’, and now she’s expected to be wildly grateful for a biscuit.

I guarantee she knows how you feel about her and that makes her uncomfortable. Being 12 that probably comes across as rudeness as she doesn’t know what to do with that. Like I said, grip.

id let your dd chose and just kindly and warmly prompt the rude child so they reply appropriately. It’s not a big deal

Your daughters friends social standing are absolutely nothing to do with you.

Your daughter chooses which friend she wants to accompany her on days out with you. The friend is not obliged to suck up to you as long as she says please and thank you and treats your daughter well, thats enough.

But what if she doesn't say please and thank you?

That's genuinely what my issue is.

Have gone for "what's the magic word" (trust me when I say I got glared at like a freak that time) and also "we all say please and thank you in our house, guests too".

Put dinner down in front of the girls (I'd checked it was something she liked - and laid the table, was going to eat mine later to not be in the way) I got a thank you from my daughter and a "where's the ketchup" from friend.

I gently replied "did you mean thanks Michelle, please can I have some ketchup with mine" and got her the ketchup.

DD told me later she'd said I was mean. I'm sure she felt embarrassed.

My attitude is that I expect the same from anyone in my house. Adults or kids. We all say please and thank you to each other.

(Grew up with a dad who took what he wanted, never said please or thank you but hit the roof if the rest of us acted that way.)

I realise because I'm using all these negative examples it's painting this kid just in one light. I overhear her and DD having great fun and she's a sweet girl. Genuinely it's my issue with the manners and clearly thinking I'm a loser.

Compared to her glam looking older sisters I'm very much a frumpy old librarian who is way too strict.

Can feel that I'm letting this kid make me feel like the 'popular' ones at school made me. But when a 12 year old treats me in a way I'd be embarrassed to see someone else treating a waiter in restaurant I'm left not knowing what to do.

Do I refuse to get her anything without a please/thank you. Because that feels like a bitch move and that it would be awkward for my DD.

When the friend isn't over anymore I do talk to DD about how I find it rude and don't enjoy being treated like that.

But it probably does all stem from embarrassment I'm sure and that'll make it a bigger thing.