Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

I am truly blessed that my wonderful step father (father now, he adopted us) joined our family. I've loved him for 50 years. However, he didn't have children and my biological father didn't see us (his choice). I can think of plenty of families where it's worked but the common denominator seems to be that the man had no prior children.

People who split because they can’t compromise or get along are likely to find themselves in new relationships where they don’t compromise or get along.

I think they CAN work and of course single parents shouldn’t have to stay alone forever BUT, what I notice is when they cause problems is:

• The new partner is moved in quickly (after a year or two)
• Children are also moved in with other children and expected to act like siblings, bonus points if you make them share rooms
• You then have new children in the new relationship and the other half of the old relationship has new children as well and the children from the first relationship feel second best in both new families
• A parent has multiple children from 3+ other parents

Closed circuits tend to work best eg., when the other parent of the child isn’t in the picture OR, like a friend of mine whose parents split up and then married the other half of another couple - they all get on great!

Of course as well there is the whole thing about just being a reasonable person, and being kind. Some of the threads here where a step child is shunned by the step grandparent disgust me. My brother had a step son whom he lives with and has known since he was five. My family treat him exactly the same as his sister. And yes, this is a closed circuit situation!

Many conventional families don’t work either, so YABU
Children, teens especially can put a strain on any marriage.

You don't think you're capable of keeping a child happy and safe and having a relationship? Why can't people do both?

This. I’d be waiting until my child moved out before bringing a completely new family into the situation. It doesn’t mean you can have other relationships but it just means I’d be putting moving in with someone on hold.

I think of blending as being classically when both halves of the new couple already have kids, especially when they then have an additional child together. It’s worst when some of the kids are full time in that family “unit” and others not, I think. Worst of all when both parents of a particular child(ren) blend a family in this way.

A step parent without their own kids is just a step parent, imo, not a blended family. I’ve personally chosen not to bring a new man into my children’s lives and home. I think it can sometimes work but can be awful.

I think it probably works more often when it’s the Dad bringing in a step mum than the Mum bringing in a step dad unfortunately- as there so often seem to be men who then want to dominate their step children’s existing home. With step mums there can be issues with favouring their own younger children, but it seems to be easier if the original children have another loving home with their own Mum. It often seems worst for the step mum - at least on here - as there seem to be many men who then delegate all responsibility for their children to her.

I’m sorry, but I will never agree that in order to keep your son safe and happy you have to be alone.

I think it’s completely unnecessary to have kids ruling your life in this way, it can work when managed properly and if you find the right person.

He’ll leave home, then you’re just alone. And old. Nope. I think it’s ridiculous to be so narrow minded about it.

Based purely on threads I see on mumsnet (not a scientifically sound sample, granted) no, they don’t seem to work. What I always wonder is why move in and blend?! Problems seem to arise when a partner is moved in. Why not be together, go out, have fun, a sleepover a few times a few at each other’s places when kids are with other parent. At least until kids have flown the nest? No one is saying never have fun or a relationship but once you have kids they are the priority and your home is their home.

I never understand the intense need people have to move in with their new partner. Are they so desperately hopelessly smitten that they can’t survive if they continue living with just their kids?

I met DP when my kids were 10 and 6. We’ve been together 8 years and whilst we all go on holiday together, we have no plans to cohabit. My kids like him but having him in their home 24-7 would be a different matter, and I don’t think it’s fair on anyone to insist on that.

I agree 100%
I understand that parents might find themselves single through no fault of their own, but many of them do not put their kids first when they introduce their partners in their children's lives. Blended families dont work unless if children are put first. In many cases, parents dont do this as they put themselves first which is frankly disgusting

My ex left me with four children. The youngest was 2yr and the eldest was 13yr. I quite deliberately didn't seek out another relationship while they were still growing up. If I had met someone I'd have kept the homes separate because I would have been worried with the step parent/siblings dynamic. Maybe I'd have been lucky and it would have worked out fine but by keeping as a unit they have hopefully grown up as close to a traditional family as possible. There dad has stayed involved, especially when they were younger.

I am now more relaxed about it. They are grown enough to understand if I want to spend my life with a new partner. Maybe I lost out, sometimes I feel the absence of someone there just for me but I still feel it was right for my children.

I genuinely wonder what happens if there's a close step-child step-parent relationship.

And then the marriage breaks down and the relationship is severed.

Because this is MN and they think they are SO much better than the rest of us by living their lives entirely through their kids and being completely selfless.

bloody ridiculous

This is a horrible thing to say.

I didn’t leave my emotionally abusive exh because in can’t get along with people, or have issues compromising. I left him because he was emotionally abusive to me.

Blended families are so messy as well. Life is complicated enough so why mess it up for the kids even more?

If you don’t think it would be possible to meet someone without that either making your child unhappy or worse unsafe, you need to have a serious think about your taste in partners.

Then what JamJar posted doesn’t apply to you

you left because of abuse

If people really put kids first they wouldn't blend families. But they also wouldn't break up okish/living like roommate marriages. (Baring abuse/constant arguing) people spout that kids are resilient and deal with a marriage breakdown despite all the evidence pointing to the contrary. You might think that you deserve happiness and a new parter or whatever but at the detriment of your child? If you chose to do it fine but don't pretend that you aren't being incredibly selfish.

I havent rtft

I left my husband, my children's father, start 2015. I was in another relationship that failed for 4 years mostly because of me having my children all the time, their father went NC. I was dating him for a year before i introduced to my children, 9 months later he moved in and had to take on a steparent role as the kids lived there 24/7. It didnt work.

That ended in 2019, ive been single since, as i dont want my children to live through that again. Growing up with a step parent that hated me and my siblings also made me decide it was not worth trying that set up a second time. Im now 40, my youngest is 15, im not even considering dating until they are 18, by which point ill probably struggle, so ive just accepted ill be single forever.

I agree, blended families that work and everyone involved is completely happy, are very rare, not impossible, bur rare.

Oh thank you @MoaningMartyr ! What a lovely thing to say.

I have dated off and on, and I’m sure will do again. Not right at this moment just because I haven’t currently met anyone.

I do tend to put spending time with my existing friends above dating when I have free time. But that’s very much a personal choice. I could easily have chosen to do more dating - I’m not a huge fan of OLD although I have done it. Did mean a nice man through OLD at one point but he moved abroad for work (not British so not wholly unexpected).

So my current attitude to dating is more as and when something might happen along than actively seeking it out.

God this one made me feel like crap!

I should maybe admit that my current mind set is I’m unlikely to move in with anyone else even when my kids have left home - but that could change with the passage of time!

@MumblesParty I completely agree. I mean, what do you need to live together for? Surely the dating part/ weekends away/ sex with someone who doesn't see you in your dressing gown?part is the good bit? Why do I need to see a boyfriend on a Tuesday evening when I'm nit treating/ homework observing/ batch cooking? I imagine there is a financial element of wanting another income coming into the family home.
I grew up in the nineties which I think was the first generation where divorce was very common. Another thing which isn't mentioned by blended families is the legacy passed down to their children that the family is a transient thing and only important if you're in a relationship with the other person. The amount of people who no longer see half or step siblings that they spent years with. Just wrenched from them when the relationship went south. I had a friend who had five ex step fathers at her wedding including bio dad and current step dad. Another was beat by her stepdad.
The legacy is that these women are staying in their own shit relationships, because the idea of being a single mum with partners who will be violent or just leave is too real a fear for them. These are the women who stick rigidly to the mantra of 'sticking together for the kids' because they grew up with what they see the alternative as being.
My mum stayed single and now I'm a proud single mum and not moving any fucker into my kid's house. That's their safe place.

I totally agree! I hate that when people mention they not happy in marriage people are very quick to say LTB. As if LTB will result in a happy ending for everyone involved. What I’ve seen is kids are much more unhappier when parents divorce and they end up with step parents n step siblings - I have seen this first hand. Also when people say “children will pick up when parents are unhappy so best to end the relationship”, I don’t fully believe this - unless the father is hitting the mother (or vice versa) in which case definitely LTB! kids will have no idea if parents are happy or not and truthfully will not really care. Kids are very selfish in the sense they are not mature enough to consider how other people are feeling they will never say ”oh well at least my parents are happy now, doesn’t matter my mum has to work 5 days a week and we have no money or holidays like we used to, as long as she’s happy”, I’ve seen it first hand how people struggle financially and I do think some will think I should have just stayed. I must make it clear if physical violence is involved then definitely another story. I’m just talking about the general annoyance we all feel with partners then wonder if grass is greener!