Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

I agree with your view on what blending is. However, in my experience I think a stepdad is usually easier than a stepmum because I find men to be rather lazy and will just go along with whatever the woman wants. So if he's the stepfather, he'll happily leave everything to the mother. And if he's the father, he'll allow the stepmother to push out his first children as it's easier than standing up to her and risk losing his new family. But from the children's point of view, what works is for the adults to model a healthy relationship and for their parents to not allow any step-parent to treat them like shit.

This!
You may as well say:
Families don’t work
Marriage doesn’t work
Relationships don’t work

And you’d be able to find hundreds of threads on MN to back you up.

Nope .. don't agree . Married DH 18 years ago when his 5 were 12 ,11, 9, 7 (severe autism special school) and 5 ..
mine were 11 , 9 and 5.

They are now in their 20s .. we see them often . We are completely involved in all their lives .. I WAS the OW (because that will be asked) .. he was the OM.. both other parents are happily remarried to people that actually suit them. Last year we won't in holiday together !!

Ironically I’ve voted YANBU as I think they rarely work, but I come from one of the exceptions myself!

My parents divorced when I was 4, saw my dad EOW and then less as I grew older, he wasn’t very nice so not a great loss. My mum married my stepdad when I was 6 and for all intents and purposes he is my dad. They had my sister when I was 8 and I love her and am so glad I got to have a sibling.

I think it works better when it’s a straight “swap”, if that makes sense. You take my bio dad out of the picture, sub in my stepdad who acts as my parent and his family all treat me as his “own”. It’s the complications of living between two houses, having someone living with you who’s not a “parent”, siblings that aren’t really siblings etc that makes it tough I think.

All I know is that wouldn't be remotely interested in giving regular houseroom to someone else's kids. They are not my kids, I don't want to be bothered with them beyond days out, the odd (short) holiday or other events. If I got with a man with dependent children, he would not be moving in with me or I with him.
I have three kids of my own. They are more than enough for me to be looking after.

There's nothing wrong with being alone though. It's very sad if the only way you can be fulfilled is with a relationship.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally my kid isn't ruling my life. He's 4. He's not even aware that I've made this decision. Its my decision, heavily influenced by statistics and my own experience as a stepchild. I had a full happy life when I was single before having a child. I have a full happy life as a single woman with a child. I will have a full happy life as a single woman with an adult child that's flown the nest. If I choose to have a relationship when hes grown and gone, hopefully it will be one that adds to my life, but alone doesn't mean lonely! I have amazing friends, a fulfilling career and lots of sociable hobbies.

In what way don't you think they work?

Well yeah, that's exactly what people are doing. Making the best decisions.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally also I'll be 44. But even if I was 64 so what? Nothing wrong with being old, and it's no impediment to romance. You should hear the gossip from my grans retirement home. Some men there wooing several ladies at once.

Agree with all of this.

I don’t intend to blend my family. My ex has other ideas. Although it’s easy to say don’t blend families every situation is different. What about all the unhappy marriages and the children living in those situations? Not much fun either…

I was happily single for 5 years. I didn’t need a relationship, but he came along and everything is better for everyone.

I think you’re just too narrow minded. Maybe one day you’ll meet someone and feel differently, maybe you’ll stay single.

Whilst I agree with the OP, I don’t agree with you.

Kids might not need parents to be deliriously happy, but they are negatively affected if their parents are miserable. Particularly if it’s the parent who does most of their care. You can’t put a small child to bed in a way that makes them feel safe, loved and secure when your heart feels like a stone because of the way your partner has behaved to you, as an example. And it doesn’t need to involve hitting. You can’t make another person feel safe and secure if you don’t feel that way yourself.

What’s wrong with Mum working five days per week? Most do surely! Once children are at school, surely that’s the norm even when parents are together?

Edited typos only

That’s a shame as it’s a terribly naive and ignorant post!

There's nothing wrong with being alone though. It's very sad if the only way you can be fulfilled is with a relationship.

More concerning that people think thy were not capable of doing both.

Relationships are optional, and most people choose to be in them because that's what they want. It doesn't mean it's 'the only way they can be fulfilled'. This another one of those phrases levied almost exclusively at single mothers (and nobody else, apparently).

Agree completely. My child is 15 now and I've been single most of that time. Definitely do not let him "rule my life" I'm just not so desperate for a man that I'd want to disrupt his home life. And being alone when he leaves home? Bring it on. Couldn't imagine anything worse than sharing my space!

I have only seen it work when the man different have any prior children.

The threads on here that baffle me are the ones that say things like “DP and I are buying a house together, but we can only afford a 3 bedroom house. My kids currently have a bedroom each, and so do DP’s, but at the new house they’ll have to share. There’ll be 3 in one room, 2 in another, and we’re thinking of putting the other 1 into a converted shed, or maybe he/she can sleep in the living room. The kids are now moaning about it. AIBU to think they’ll be OK if they just get on with it?”

I read it and think WHY??? Why not just go on dates, spend nights together when childcare permits, have holidays together etc. Why move in together when literally the only people who benefit are the couple of get to share a bed every night?

i think you’re closing yourself off to opportunities for your own happiness, for a sacrifice that is unnecessary . But you do you.

You don’t have to be alone you can have a relationship that doesn’t impact your child’s life why the forced family unit

why would I expect a man to love ds or put him first as I do and I wouldn’t feel the same for their children (I may in time love then very much but that does not happen overnight)

Been on my own 15 years. I don't want the compromises that you have to make in relationships. Even down to what to cook for dinner, where to go on holiday, what to watch on telly. I've been solo parenting my whole life, when DS leaves home I want these decisions to be all mine.

Yes. I didn't have any more relationships until DS went to university. I didn't want a revolving door of men. And then when I did have another relationship he had no charente of his own. Id hate to be a stepmother.

@Coffee473 you're going against biology and statistics. Kids are most likely to be killed by a non related man who lives or often sleeps in the family home. You read it time and time again.
We can pretend it doesn't happen. We can pretend Darren from the pub suddenly loves little Eli as his own and doesn't mind that he takes up a significant amount of his mum time and attention. We can pretend he doesn't feel resentment that he has to babysit whilst she works, or that he doesn't get angry when Eli comes home from his dads and keeps talking about how much fun he's had.
Eli is just an obstacle to Darren. He is an annoyance. He is a barrier to having his gf all to himself and being able to do whatever he wants. He's also a reminder that she's had sex with someone else.
Yes some men have more emotional intelligence but not all. There are some who go after vulnerable, skint women who want to be loved. Who have already been abused. Who have little idea what true healthy relationships look like.

Well quite. And it’s never “we have decided that we will sleep in the living room, on a sofa bed”. These posters always seem to think it’s the kids who can make do with no space to call their own.