Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

I think that families of all shapes and sizes can work IF the children are the priority. Where relationships have failed because of one partner's extreme selfishness, I would be surprised if that person becomes an ideal parent/partner in a later relationship.
The case in France where a 9 year-old child was left to fend for himself during Covid lockdowns because his mother had moved in with her new partner and left him behind was heartbreaking.

We were work colleague guests at a blended wedding, so table near the back.
Bride's daughter was a bridesmaid(18ish), son (20ish) was also dressed up on table one.
Two nondescript young teens near us turned out to be the grooms kids. They clearly weren't happy but ok until the groom announced that he'd never before loved anyone enough to marry them and that he'd been looking for, and it's hard to find someone who was a uni graduate with own house and kind.
The groom's kids at that point feel apart, started downing alcohol on the table.
My own parents had a terrible divorce but never gave me as much baggage as those kids are going to be carrying around. Not even a pretence of once a happy family that didn't work out, just put the unfortunate kids in the corner and put the boot into the kids mother in his blended wedding speech.

I agree. DH's mum has been married three times and he has half siblings and step siblings.

He's never complained because he's not that type of person but he's been honest to me when we're on our own about his difficulties with it all, especially growing up and feeling like he didn't belong anywhere.

Even now things are hard, splitting Christmases and birthdays etc depending on which side of the families 'turn' it is.

His mum is oblivious to it all and thinks it's amazing. None of the kids do. But I guess as long as she's happy that's all she ever cared about. Certainly nobody asked any of the kids how they felt about it.

I consider myself genuinely lucky to have survived being a step child. At one point, he had his hands around my throat whilst he told me how he could kill me and get away with it, that a judge would agree that I'd driven him to it (I was a quiet, bookish 14 year old that just wanted him to leave me alone). He'd obviously not started off like that when he entered my life aged 7, he built up the abuse gradually until it just became normal. My mother never did a thing to protect me. As an adult I'm now completely no contact. She's never met her GC and never will. Something for mothers to keep in mind when they move an un related male into their child's home.

@AgentProvocateur I agree. I also saw it many times first hand during my career. I remember one little boy sobbing because his mum told him he had to have his ‘new dad’s’ surname. His mother insisted on this surname being used by teaching staff in school. She also wanted him write his ‘new’ surname when completing any work at school that required his name . It was a particularly complicated surname to spell. The child just wanted to write his original easily spelled surname.

Mumsnet hates people that try and have an actual life instead of being just a parent and this is a great example of that.

I wonder what the OPs circumstances are, I wonder how many of the ‘I’d never move someone else in’ camp would still feel that way if their circumstances change?

the worst thing about my blended family is the toxic ex wife. But that’s a her problem, not a me problem. The best thing about my blended family is all the benefit of extra love, support and guidance my husband brings to my kids. It takes a village and all that.

we don’t have any extra kids together so that probably helps but honestly, people shouldn’t be so quick to judge. So many families are dreadful, however that are formed and NO-ONE should ever feel selfish for wanting a life and a relationship, the entire universe doesn’t need to revolve around your kids for them to be happy.

I knew someone would call me a martyr. I just knew it.

If you knew me you’d know I’m not. I have a great life, good career, friends, family. I travel (with and without kids). I just don’t introduce a new man into their life and home.

It’s not “being a martyr” to recognise you can’t have every single thing you might want. Or to put someone else first.

Thats the danger with some modern values I think. That we think we’ve got a right to anything we want, to pursue our dreams at any expense. We don’t. And in general, I’m a very liberal progressive person.

that isn’t 80% because a women has got bored and quite fancies starting life again with the trainee accountant at work

Leaving what a cheating partner an aggressive partner or just because they are bored ?

women may now more often start divorce proceedings but it’s the reasoning why

Kid (adult now)

I also agree with you@Lulaloo .

Ours worked. It was hard and took a lot of effort and time (years!) but I love my stepson as though he was my own. And vice versa for my son and my husband.

Is a lone parent mother moving a childless man in considered "blending"? I see a few people here saying their ex isn't around and the new partner didn't have kids. Is that not just a family?

Not all blended families have joint kids though. Many people meet when they're older and past the age of wanting more kids.

This is what I‘m saying! It doesn’t work. Not well, anyways.

SM’s always get the raw deal. Allllways. It’s not for me..: I couldn’t do it, and wouldn’t want to do it. Sure we can date, but we each need our own home. End of.

Blended families do work, but it takes an extra amount of maturity and unselfishness to do it. It’s never going to be the same as a “first” family, but fundamentally, with good communication, and as long as the new partner goes into it determined to be an extra person to love the kids and take their lead on what kind of relationship works for them and their parent’s lead on parenting style, there’s no reason it shouldn’t work.

So many of the disparaging and vicious comments on this thread are actually about parents who neglect their kids or DSC. Or even worse abuse them.

Being a parent in a blended family doesn’t mean you’re neglectful or abusive or irresponsible. Those are separate issues.

Plenty of us manage to have loving and very functional blended families. I’m 100% sure my DD is better off for her relationship with her step dad and step siblings, thanks!

I’m with you. And it’s not just about on MN but in real life- I’m still to see a functional blended family. I was part of a blended family too and was a disaster (after 25yrs my mom finally left the bugger but too late to repair our relationship).

My husband's mother remarried and had his half sister and his step father ignored him and his mother was very vocal about the fact that he was a constant annoying reminder of her previous failed relationship. When he turned 18 I'm not exaggerating when I say she kicked him out with glee and told him to never come back. He was homeless the first 2 years of his adult life because his mother wanted to hit the reset button and pretend like he didn't happen so she could get on with her shiny NEW BETTER family!

It disgusts me. And now that we've got kids she is suddenly all on about grandparents need rights and we are ALIENATING her from her poor poor grandmother. Even though my husband reached out and tried to connect many times the first 5 years and she refused or called the police on him. Which backfired btw because our lawyer has record of the police reports that she alienated herself!

Maybe she should have thought of her desire to be a grandmother when she decided to erase her own son from her life for 12 years!

Sweeping statements don't work.

Thanks! I thought I might get slated for saying something a bit unpopular. I do co-parent but have the kids much more than my exh does, so it’s not always easy.

You see time and time again on here a childless woman will meet a man who already has a child/children and have a baby with him, then expect to have lots of time as a ‘little family unit’ without the other kids and really resent their presence.

I also agree with this comment from - it’s also used my some posters to be absolutely savage about a seemingly well meaning MIL - “MIL wants to spend Christmas with us, and not be all alone”… (Although I could happily spend Christmas alone when my kids are grown I think, as long as I was in good health 😂)

What does 'work', mean, anyway? All families have rifts and different dynamics, which in my experience shift and change over time.

This!

My childhood family was ‘blended’ in both directions from when I was 9. This happened in the 70s. Siblings and I are not in touch with our half siblings or step siblings. The remarriages happened extremely quickly. Our young step mother (23 year old OW) was a primary school teacher and genuinely lovely to us until she had her 1st child. Our father naively believed her when she said she’d help him bring us 3 up. They initially had sole custody. She was pregnant within 3 months of their marriage. Thank goodness our mother regained full custody before our first half sibling was born.

Within months of our mother remarrying, a step sibling came to join our household and did very well - our mother treated him well. His father later went to prison for what he did to us, his step children.

My siblings and I did ‘survive’ this, but resilience is not really the appropriate word here.

I have seen blended families work - more so a generation on from our story, where far more thought has gone into it and the blending was much slower

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I totally get what you're saying. You were v kind and generous on my thread sharing your experience. And I know like you I will never invite another man post divorce into my house or my kids life for lots of reasons. But do you ever date? So if you have a child free night would you ever go on a date or a night out and flirt? I don't ever want another man in my life but I also would love to feel desired again once in this life after years of feeling so neglected.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally There are so many ways that I'm more than a parent. I'm a writer, a fitness fanatic, an amateur gardener, a friend and an outdoorsy person. But my responsibility to keep my son safe and happy is much more important than romance. As a parent, that does come first.

So you read a lot of threads about blended families going badly and none about how well they can be and you’ve decided universally for everyone that it’s shit and they shouldn’t do it? Thank god I am not so jaded in life as this. My blended family growing up was a happy one and so was that of my friends.