Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

My parents split up when I was young and I would absolutely have hated it if other people had moved into our house. I never stayed over at my dad's either. I only wanted one home and one bedroom, not to move from here to there all the time. That might not be true for everyone but it's how I felt.

Even when you think it’s worked it hasn’t. Recent wedding. Blended family. The adult children from first marriage got drunk and ended up spitting a load of vitriol at bio dad about his second family. It was very difficult, now no one is talking whereas previously the families would socialise together.

I know if I was to find myself single there’s no way any man would be sharing my kids home. I think it’s a horrible thing to do to them. In most circumstances.

Yeah I think desperation is involved. Some women seem surprised that I refuse to date men with no kids but despite being over 35 I have had no issues meeting men with no kids. I figure the ones who have had kids but don’t live with them full-time are not the ones I want in my dating pool anyway so I’m happy to “limit” my options.

I agree is really sad that so many women who don’t like being stepparents put up with it for the sake of being with a man. Or they have kids and allow them to be mistreated by the person they’ve chosen to be in a relationship with. I always feel sorry for the children in these cases.

I wouldn't say they 'don't work', but they're not perfect, and it's never going to be like a 'normal', nuclear, biological family. There will always be issues to work round, and lots of things might be less than ideal, but that's life.

I don't think a warzone type situation is normal though.

Only if you let it.
My child, especially when young, would never meet my partner for quite a considerable period of time. I'd only see them when child is at the fathers or having a sleep over. I'm very independant, financially secure and like being on my own so not a problem.

I'd correct a small part of that and say it takes, 'Four parents who are open to compromise.."

But a nuclear family can be just as awful sometimes…no family is perfect blended or otherwise! That there is the fact!!

It worked for us but there were times it was difficult. For example, my husband's children did at times exclude mine, my husband's ex was difficult about money etc. But over time we all learnt to rub along and we became very close. It worked in the long run but there were compromises and took patience.

It is a fact. But if we know that nuclear families can be just as awful, why would you up the stakes by creating a blended family giving yourself a double chance of it all going horribly wrong? that's the crux of the matter.

I know a couple that work well, but in both cases the parents have been very careful to be welcoming and active in the step children's lives; they basically act with all the responsibilities of parents and aren't resentful about driving around, dealing with sickness and so on. They truly get, accept and even like the fact that the children are part of the deal. They're also fortunate enough to be able to afford large houses so everyone gets a decent sized bedroom.

I would never, ever hear them talk about the children the way some step parents do.

God, your depressing

100% this. None so blind as those that don’t want to see.

I think the step families that work without any issues are those where the children’s other parent isn’t in the picture, I’m very close to my SM because my mum wasn’t around.

My step family works but it’s hard work, and there are problems which are mainly caused by a very high conflict ex who will do anything to cause problems even if it negatively impacts the children so we do our best to rub along with her and do compromise a lot so that the children aren’t affected. My DH had to leave due to domestic abuse and she is still incredibly bitter. I’d like to think my SC are happy.

Also, majority of people can’t afford to live by themselves, these days you need 2 adult incomes to run a household, not sure what the answer to that is though.

Never mind the endless threads about unhappy blended families, what about all the news stories where children are murdered by either their step parents or both their parent and step parent. I genuinely feel that step parents are a serious safeguarding risk. I realise I'm biased because I was abused by my own, but the statistics support this sadly. My own home will be a safe, happy step parent free zone until my DS is a grown man.

Growing up I had step siblings live with us and it was the best thing ever.

We all had less space because they had to share with us and it was a big adjustment but we all got on so well.

We never argued or had any issues with the kids.

It was the adults that were the problem and we were all heartbroken when they separated.

A nuclear family may be shit. Odds are if the nuclear is shit the blended will be extra shit though.

A blended family doesn’t even have to be bad to be terrible. It can easily look fabulous on the outside. The smiling children getting the good results the happy couple. But there’s more time than not the bubbling resentment at a minimum. Often the new joint child is the golden child because it’s the connection of the family. Just rubbing salt into the wounds of the steps, who have two homes while this perfect child has everything under one roof. Hell maybe the family is even richer now as a blended family which sounds great till again the new combined child gets everything none of the steps on either side ever did. Now the steps have a combined enemy in the true child.

You have step mums/dads wanting and expecting the title of granny/grandad when grandchildren come along when that now adult child feels zero parental connection. More drama they either suck up yet another thing or have to have a showdown.

It’s all shit really when you look into it basically. It’s often a drunken argument or a deathbed that actually exposes the hatred of the perfect blended families.

I think it is very hard for them to work as there are so many obstacles to overcome.

Particularly tricky if very different amounts of money in the different homes. So one set of children are privately educated and will get house deposits and the other set won't. Very had to manage such disparities.

We must be the minority.
Dh moved in with me and my dc 9 years ago. He has dc.
We also have 2dc together.
We have only ever had 1 small disagreement, because dh was annoyed with how my dc treated me ( when they was a teen ). We sat all together and discussed after then was sorted.
We are on the same level how we parent our own dcs as well as our dcs we have together.

Im not saying there will never be issues in the future, but so far its been all good and plain sailing.

The OP is probably right. But to be fair, most ordinary families don't work very well either.

As the child of a blended family, it was a stable, happy, enriching experience for us all. The classic nuclear family set-up that came before it, not so much. I'm thankful every day for the privilege I was given in having a blended family.

There are absolutely shitloads of unhappy families where Mum and Dad live together. I think that a great many people think that divorce is bad for kids, where- even in cases where there is no abuse- the breakup of a family can greatly improve the happiness and MH of children.

They are alot all treated exactly the same, birthdays, xmas, holidays, general treats, days out 1:1 time with us etc.

I completely agree, especially if one person doesn't have kids, then they have to adapt to the other person's family lifestyle and they obviously can't adapt to they're child free lifestlye, that means having to make all of the compromises and sacrifices because of they're kids in what you can and can't do on life, the restrictions that kids bring, the free time you can spend together, there kids being they're main priority in life and the relationship second, dramas with ex partners, not wanting to go out on family days out and family holidays to places like Butlins in peak summer holidays, then in a few years time if you want to live together having to live in a blended/step parent household just leads to hassle and problems and general unhappiness for the other person. No thank you!!!!

They can work when the adults are mature and sensible enough to accept that blended families look different to non-blended families, time frames will need to consider the children and there needs to be healthy co-parenting with their child's other parent.

Based on MN the main issues where blended families don't work seem to be:

• new partners moving quickly, especially introducing to children and moving in
• man lines up new female partner to pick up the parenting during his contact time
• adults in new relationship seem to think that because they're shagging each other, their wiser family (parents, siblings etc) should treat all children identically
• one ex looks at their child's parent's new partner and gets full of the green eyed monster so there's threads like "can't believe ExDH's new children have .... When my children don't. He should top them up to be the same. So what if his new partner works full time and has her good career, I demand she tops my kids up too because I've chosen not to earn as much"
• Disney dad threads, especially where there's children from a newer relationship

This is more of an issue with 50/50 contact though, not blended or step families. My child has a stepparent but has one bedroom and one home.