Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

Won't be popular for saying this, but all the posters on this thread saying how their blended family works for them, does that include the children? Would the kids say the same, having been forced to give their bedrooms up or to share their room with a another child/children they dislike, to go down the pecking order for the "cuckoos" who help themselves to other kids' possessions, clothes and food?
As a previous poster stated, leave well alone, as in, live separately until the children come of age.

I'm a stepmum to two and I also share DC with DH and I'm inclined to agree.

I went into this situation with the best intentions and there isn't even much "drama" in our set up with a crazy ex or anything like that, she's a pretty reasonable, normal woman (most of the time) and the kids are good kids (most of the time).

But I've come to realise this is not a life I'd want for my own DC. Perhaps other women are just better people than me but try as I may have over the years I can't help but know deep down that I really don't have any real emotional connection to DSC. As awful as it sounds I'd not care if, for example, me and DH split tomorrow and I never saw them again. I know that I don't feel anything remotely like what I feel for my own DC for them and as kind and welcoming as I always try to be, I do find it sad and its not a situation I'd want my own DC living in. Living with someone who always, secretly, is looking forward to you leaving again or looking forward to you not being there on a day out so it feels like their proper family instead. I recognise these aren't pleasant feelings but they are how I feel if I am truly honest with myself and I do believe it's how the majority of step parents likely feel too. Whether they'd admit it is another question.

I think it's hard as a human being to truly accept and love another child like you're own (and I'm not talking about adoptive children who are yours, but children who already have two involved parents).

If I had my time again and I could still have my own DC, I'd never ever be with someone who has DC already.

And every other woman I know who's a step parent never has anything positive to say.

Yes exactly

I haven't rtft but I have a DSS. I knew my now husband had a young child when I met him. I didn't have children when I met him and decided not to have another child with him because he already had one. I honestly don't understand the obsession with creating children with every new partner. I have had, and continue to have an amazing time with my DSS who I have now had the privilege of being his 'evil step mother' as he affectionately calls me for 23 years. I adore him and everyone in the extended family gets along perfectly well.

I am sure there are some out there that work for everyone, unfortunately the only ones where I've been privy to the dynamics definitely don't.

@teeeeeny8

Thank you for sharing your honest experience. That was very brave of you to say. When they have two loving parents I think that is just it. They already have parents. Which puts you in the impressive position of trying to fill a role that is technically already filled. But don't try too hard! It's not like you're trying to replace them or something! But you also need to be supportive of your partner and help out with the kids and all that jazz. So what does that make you? Like a half parent? Step parenting is hard! I think I would feel the same way in your situation. Maybe some people are bigger people than me. And good on them if that is the case! But I could not do it!

Impossible not impressive *

@Sususudio absolutely regarding the woman being gaslit to take on the parenting because the dad is useless! No thank you. I’ll happily stay single.

@Wouldyouguess no, I'm not suggesting staying single until the kids are 18, just don't move men and their kids in. Stay in separate houses and keep your dating life separate and put your kids first.

There's a huge range of circumstances and those whom it does work for are much less likely to be posting about their problems

For example a lot of single childless men seem to slip onto family life with children already there very well. I know a number of people, particularly young men, who say their step dad is their real dad. But typically they have no children and the other dad is not in the picture. So relatively simple. A number of people both thier own older children and custody arrangements are able to long term date and evn end up partnered but never attempt to blend into one family

Where it gets complicated is when both people have younger kids, and then they have kids, and maybe they or their exes have kids with more then one other person. And then everyone starts having "their own kids"

And of course you have everything in-between

I think you can’t deny biology. Step parents will in most instances favour their bio children. That imbalance alone can very easily cause trauma. Coupled with the fact that most separations are acrimonious leading to resentment and division among the adults.

Step mum to a disabled teen.
he lived with his dad when we met, because unfortunately his mother hadn’t been able to cope with the challenge which must have been devastating for her. They’ve been split up long enough that there’s no acrimony.
all 4 parents and step parents get along great, we’ve spent Christmas together, dss’s birthday etc.
I don’t have my own dc which probably makes a difference, because my dss is the priority, but I think also that we all get on. I would go as far as to say that we’re friends.

This thread is a bit ridiculous.

1. Most of the examples here are “dysfunctional adults end dysfunctional relationship in dysfunctional way and then proceed to make further dysfunctional relationship decisions”.
2. There’s a world of difference between that and functional adults who end a relationship that isn’t working and then make decent decisions about a future relationship.

The first is probably the reason why many blended families don’t work because they’re just lurching from one bad relationship to another with kids in tow. The second is the reason why some do and why you can’t make such sweeping statements about it.

I think this is a difficult and complex issue because it depends on so many factors.

For a start, whether a blended (or any) family works will be highly subjective and each individual within a setup may give a different answer. I notice that there is often an over emphasis on whether the adults are happy with a setup and what is 'fair' as opposed to what children would prefer. On this thread for example, lots of posts focus on how parents can't be martyrs for their children and the emphasis just seems all wrong. I also see this with a shift to 50:50 custody and with the rise in blended families. Children are expected to be delighted with new siblings or to move into relatively strange homes with people they barely know.

I don't know any adults that would be happy to live like this, where you have two 'homes' and each is populated with one of the original parents and an array of other people that you have potentially quite weak bonds with and may dislike. Even if you liked the people in question, it's still not something many adults would choose so why do we expect children to thrive in these kinds of scenarios?

I AM a single mother and I would never move a man into my child's home.

How so? Not every child goes to Uni, lots stay home for a loooong time!

The role of a step parent is very different to the role of a parent. My SC have a mum, I’m not trying to replace her. The relationship is different. When it comes to the big issues, such as homework, curfews etc we each parent our own children. But when it comes to fairness in our household, neither of us ‘favour’ our biological children, the same house rules apply to them all.

I also think “most separations are acrimonious” is not true at all. When it comes to the DC and co-parenting I think there are a lot of people who do that really well. Again, the problem is those people don’t start threads about it on Mumsnet!

LTB. But don’t be a single mother, they’re scummy. But don’t get in another relationship either, that’s not fair on DC!

Fuck Mumsnet.

I was kind of observing the same irony! Especially the alacrity with which people cry LTB but seemingly without any thought of down the track.

Being honest, I do see how many normal family issues are heightened for the DCs in a blended family : sibling rivalry? Try it with someone who isn’t even related. Parental favouritism? Try it when one of the parents isn’t even yours. Parental arguments? Ditto. Parents resenting paying school fees or extra curricular costs? So many threads where step parent objects to the continuation of this.

It isn’t something on my “ to do” list; but then life isn’t always obedient to design and I think it’s very unfair to say ALL blended families don’t work . That applies a fortiori to the implications that all stepparents are rapists or abusers. It just isn’t true - and I think the OP was way too generally worded to give rise to balanced discussion. Some blended families are far better than the previous alternative.

LTB. But don’t be a single mother, they’re scummy. But don’t get in another relationship either, that’s not fair on DC!

Fuck Mumsnet.

That would be great, if that's what's usually said.

In reality what's normally advised is:

• work on a relationship if you're having a rough patch. Here's some things you could try or couples counselling or other strategies.
• leave a relationship that's unhealthy, making you miserable, or is abusive. Here's some signposts and advice to help you get out.
• It's often better for you and the children to be single than in an unhealthy relationship.
• It's fine to have future relationships.
• Keep your wits about your because there's some men out there who are looking for a place to cocklodge/someone to parent their children EOW. If you're blending families be aware that you're going to be affected by new partner's ex for some time and you might be better off running for the hills if there's drama.
• Think about what's best for the children before moving a new partner into their home and lives. Especially think about existing children before having a baby with each new partner.

It's hardly unreasonable or rocket science to advise taking your time to get to know someone before jumping into a relationship at lightening speed and moving a man into your children's home. It's also not rocket science that when adults place their want for a romantic partner above what's best for the children there's likely to be problems.

And re the “ single mothers are scummy” reference above, I would have to say I have only admiration. Parenting is hard, single parenting at least twice as hard, and so for those mums who have come forward on this thread and said they have left a bad relationship and won’t risk another for the sake of their dcs, I would say take a bow: you are society’s true Amazonians. Nothing scummy about that whatsoever.

The only people I know who say single mums are scummy is the incel types who are raving misogynists so nobody I would take seriously anyway!

I agree, and happily it’s not actually something I’ve seen a lot of on MN, but as I’d addressed the other parts of the quote, I didn’t want to leave that mention hanging!

Nobody is saying don’t get into a relationship. They’re saying don’t move an unrelated stranger (to the children) into their home, their safe space without forward planning and discussion. How many threads do we see about bedrooms and blended families?