Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

You say that people shouldn't feel selfish but it is selfish. Putting yourself ahead of your kids is selfish.

I agree the world shouldn't revolve around them. But when you're talking about disrupting their entire world and moving someone into their lives and home then yes they should come first. Your children should always come first.

We have 7 children between us. Ages from 8-22 years old. We work damned hard to make it work. We both have ex partners that do 50% of the childcare each.
We schedule things so we have
week 1 all the kids together
week 2 just his
week 3 just mine
week 4 no kids (we need the break!)

Kids are happy, they mingle well. My youngest son and his eldest daughter, (both 15) as soon as they arrive slope off and start chatting/gaming/getting up to mischief (usually playing pranks on us) My 18 year old (at uni now) is “besties” (their terms) with his 8 year old daughter and spend a large amount of time giggling together. His son is 13 and loves having my boys (similar ages) to play with.

It’s not easy, we always listen to the kids, make time for them and can adjust timetables if needed-exams etc. I am extremely fond of his children and treat them well, same with DP.
Scheduling and food is the hardest thing tbh, lots of different tastes and diets- but we manage.
DP had split up from his ex 4 years before we met so no animosity there with the children, and my ex is an abusive rapist who my older two girls refuse to see and apart from sending schedules back and forth I have zero time for.

I know it doesn’t work for some (most?) but we are fluid with the kids needs and wants and haven’t had any complaints or worries. (Only worry raised was his eldest having space and peace to do coursework for exams, this was talked about and sorted, with her staying with her mum for a week longer)

Some do Some don't. Some full bloodied families don't work.

My family works very well, you cannot generalise. I married a man who had two children and I brought them up, together with him, full-time from when they were 12. We also had another child together. All worked out very well indeed. I appreciate not everyone's does, but you can't say it never works.

NC for this. Are we allowed to share our experiences on MN or will I just be attacked?

Well, the are only 2 types of blended families I have seen work: 1) Where Dad (or any of the biological parent) is wealthy and 2) where the family is poor so none has any ridiculous expectations of not working after turning 18, not staying in one evening to look after smaller step-siblings and usually the step parent is the mum/dad they never had etc etc.

The middle ones- lot's of trauma and damages in adulthood.

There, I said it.

Or the ones that don't want to do nesting because moving from one house to another is too much but letting your kids do it is fine.

I'm nearly a decade into a committed relationship with a man who has his own son, somewhat older than my two. I have a happy relationship that is almost entirely separate from our family lives. We maintain our own homes and don't interfere with each others' parenting styles. We intend to cohabit in maybe another 5 years or so when hopefully the children are independent or at least sufficiently adult that "parenting" as such isn't an issue. Absolutely no interest in blending. My kids have a blended family on the other side and there are most definitely ups and downs, the worst of which is a real feeling that they have to fit in with whatever is planned and never the other way around.

I have several friends in blended families. All very problematic and the teenage/young adult years have been horrific with some rifts beyond repair.
I have one friend who pretends everything is great ie ‘no step, just family!’ Hashtags… but her husband couldn’t be less interested in his own child, let alone hers so step DD is just thrilled to have some attention.I predict it going wrong once she is old enough to realise

My blended family from childhood works. The blended family I have, works.

If there are so many blended families - first families don't work either.

I should say though, we all moved into a new house together. I couldn’t stand staying in that house any longer, too many bad memories. So we all chose a house together. There was no “moving a man into the kids homes”. Time was right for me for a move and we decided-all of us- it was a good decision.

Kids came with us to various house viewings, tried to nab the master bedroom for themselves. Squabbled over who had what room etc. Excited children and happy.

No one moved into their home. We all moved into a new one. They all have their own rooms. Does that make it ok?!

I very much agree. I get that life isn’t always simple and marriages fail, spouses die. But as a general rule I think people are way too quick to expect children to be expected to soak up the fallout from the parent’s mistakes and misfortunes under cover of the mantra that kids are resilient (but apparently adults are not and need what they need, and their needs must come first). I’m not saying second families shouldn’t happen, but if the children have objections, don’t play ball etc they’re entitled to have that respected without being cowered into playing ball. There was a recent thread where a woman was wanting to let her SD call her mum and her biological DS objected. Posters were making him out to be the devil incarnate.

Some of you never watched "look who's talkin'" and it shows.

Are these people you know or is this just some weird story you’ve come up with based on all the stereotypes you’ve heard about single parents? Because of course I picked up my husband in the pub and he is of course an ignorant, insecure jealous prick because who else would shack up with a single mum?! 🙄

I agree with this as well.

I have a friend whose mother died a few years ago. She's very close to her dad, he's a wonderful grandad to her children, and they have a great relationship. But unless you were close to her, you wouldn't know that he's actually her step father (not that she keeps it a secret, it just doesn't come up). He's been in her life a long time, she calls him dad, and their relationship has continued past the death her of mum. I've known her since secondary school, and I don't think most people would have realised her was her step dad, I think they'd have just a assumed it was a "typical" nuclear family.

I think blanket statements like "it never works" are rarely helpful or accurate, regardless of the topic being discussed.

The vast majority of blended families I’ve known have been a complete shit show. I’m sure some work. Some might even work for a long time but I’ve noticed many men have no interest in the children once they’ve moved on from the relationship. I have a friend who was raised by a man from a toddler to 20’s. When the relationship eventually broke down he never spoke to my friend again. Imagine knowing the man you thought of as a father has that little care for you. I do massively judge people who have children with numerous partners and I’ve never ever understood the need to force families together when you could have a perfectly happy relationship keeping separate households. It’s pure selfishness, neediness and fantasising on the part of the adults.

I must be an exception.22 years on and we are still going strong.
It’s not always been easy but neither is married life easy for anyone. People seem to give up too quickly.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally not really no. It's still someone you picked and you chose moving into their lives. You can do what you like but stop trying to pretend it wasn't a selfish choice.

It was about us all. But ok. If it makes you feel better than I’m selfish and you’re the amazing selfless parent then so be it! I wouldn’t want to be you!

What a load of rubbish! My mum married a man who was raising 4 children aged 5-12 alone. She then raised them as though they were her own. They’re in their 30s now, and their Dad died 10 years ago. Three of them call my mum ‘Mum’, and their kids all call my Mum ‘Grandma’. To them, she is their mother and to her, they are her children. To me and my brothers, they are our siblings (although we’re 10-15 years older). They visit her regularly and spend holidays with her. They didn’t just dump her when my stepdad died. If blended families didn’t work, they wouldn’t bother.

I'm expecting to get roasted for this but here goes.

There's a girl in DD14's year who is just hellbent on causing trouble amongst her peers. She'll make up things that just are not true like telling Brenda that Bertha said she was a crap player etc & then sitting back & watching the fireworks. She lies all the time, quite often has dirty teeth & apparently smells not very clean.

At Mum's she has two older brothers, same Mum but different Dad & two younger sisters same Mum, same Dad but it's Mum's boyfriend who lives with Mum. At Dad's, it's four younger siblings with the same Dad but different Mum & then Dad's girlfriend (Mum of the four) has two older kids from previous who live with them also. That's 10 kids this 14yr old is blended with.

I don't think it works at all. My dead boring two kids from same husband (neither of us have any kids with anyone else & we're still married) are hard enough to raise.

Lots of things we all do are 'selfish choices'. Whether it's selfish or not is irrelevant. You're making a moral judgement here.

What matters is that children are loved, cared for, safe and happy. Not whether the mother is 'selfish' for daring to do something a stranger disapproves of.

How nice to sit upon your high horses and look down upon us, those who have failed and whom are scratching around for a tiny bit of happiness.

Seriously, some blended families don’t work, some married families don’t work, some single parent families don’t work.

Most of us are doing are best and most of us are fine most of the time.

Of course there's countless posts of people not being happy with their blended family - having a happy blended family and no issues wouldn't be a reason to start a post.

I've no idea how many work out/don't work out, but I'm happy with mine. We both left abusive relationships behind and all the kids are happy (aside from the odd tantrum) but that could be because we see our blended family as ours - not mine/yours. If I'm out and buy a bar of chocolate for DS, I'll buy a bar of chocolate for DSS and DSD too and wouldn't dream of asking DW to reimburse me, and she'd also do the same.

That said, to each their own.

Its not "Blended families don't work." It's "Selfish adults who don't prioritise their DC's needs will almost certainly continue to be selfish regardless of when and if they get a new partner." It's a no brainer that a woman who finds a deadbeat dad attractive, or a man who finds it acceptable that a mum would want to move him in with her kids after 2 weeks, is unlikely to be a decent step parent. Put a selfish parent and their crappy partner together, add in all the other ways those people are likely to be selfish and crap too, maybe throw in a hostile ex for good measure, and it's easy to declare blended families are nearly always bad for the children. But if you have decent parents choosing decent partners and taking the greatest care in progressing things to the next stage, then it can and does work, as evidenced by posts from step DC on this and other threads who describe how their step father treated them as their own, or their step mother was lovely to them, or they are really close to their step or half siblings etc etc.

I'm sure most DC would have preferred to grow up with both their parents living harmoniously together under one roof and not having to move between houses, but when that option is firmly off the table anyway, bringing another loving adult into their lives isn't necessarily a bad thing. It all depends on the DC and the family dynamics involved - the crucial thing is that the couple should be prepared to amend/shelve their plans for living together if need be.