To think we should get the double room?

[Bibbidybobbidyroo]

We gave a family holiday booked this year - 2 adults in family 1 (my parents), two adults one child in family 2 (us).

My parents offered to pay for the cost of the accommodation as a kind gesture (they are financially better off). The accommodation has one master bedroom with a double bed, and three other twin bedrooms.

Our child has ASD and cosleeps as it’s the only way to guarantee any sort of sleep on what I fear is already going to be a trying week - first time abroad and a big routine change. I asked if we could the the double bed otherwise I’m going to end up squashed in a single with DD. They aren’t keen at ALL. Should probably mention my dad ends up falling asleep on the sofa and staying there all night anyway so my mum will mostly have the double bed to herself.

Im grateful that they paid for the villa but I feel like it’s coming with conditions that aren’t going to be very relaxing for us at all. I would have rather just paid our share and the felt like I could push for the bigger room more.

would you raise this again or just put up and shut up and accept the financial saving?

@5128gap nobody has a right to go on holiday with anybody else, grandchild or not. Making the decision that holidaying separately works better isn't an "extreme sanction", nor is it coercive control. Your logic is so bizarre it's difficult to respond to.

I didn't suggest the OP cut off her parents, make demands of them, or stop them from seeing their grandchild. Holidays with extended family aren't compulsory, and not doing them isn't abusive.

I think poor parents have a difficult DD issue 🤷‍♀️

Its only bizarre because you're creating straw men. I did not say that not going on holiday with extended family is abusive, that it's compulsory or that there is a right to it.
I said that your speech which to paraphrase, was, if we can't have the double bed we won't go on holiday with you ever again, was coercive. Because you can dress it up as wordily as you please, that is what you're egging OP on to say.
There is no indication the OP doesn't want to holiday with them again, provided she gets the bed she needs. Yet you want her to tell her parents she will never go with them again, and then watch them.. sulk and tantrum.. I think it was? At best you're encouraging quite unnecessary drama and upset in someone else's family, at worst you're suggesting OP use coercive tactics.

@SensationalSusie

You say you are a mum of an ND child, yet you are making MASSIVE assumptions about what OPs child can/can't might do -'plus talking about sleepovers/hobbies/school trips in the future - and stating it as fact.

I find this quite bizarre, to be honest. The total opposite, empathy-wise, of the many mums of ND children I know.

Just bizarre 😳😳😳

Please do elaborate?

Thank you for the explanation. I co slept for a long time, and 2 singles would have been fine, but obviously everyone is different.
OP hasn’t really answered yet, so unsure if that is her reality.

@5128gap you've fundamentally misunderstood what I was saying. I wasn't suggesting she threaten to stop the holidays in order to get the double bed. I was genuinely saying that balancing everyone's needs - with a non-sleeping disabled child in the mix - might mean that extended family holidays don't work any more, and that that's a reasonable boundary to draw and stick to. It wasn't a means of "getting the double bed" on this holiday.

Plenty of people, especially those with children with additional needs, try holidaying with others and decide it's too stressful and isn't for them. It's a bit harsh to accuse them of committing a crime (which coercive control is).

I feel for you OP. You've had quite the pile on here.

I do think regardless of who is paying, many here are lucky enough to have parents who would be more understanding of yours and your DD's needs than your parents are being.

I do also think you perhaps shouldn't have posted on AIBU if the only answer you were willing to accept, was that you are not.

Yes

Should have posted on parenting 🤣

It’s tricky, OP. As a general rule, I would have wanted my parents to have the better room etc — but for me, it's when it’s assumed rather than discussed that it really irks. For example, my DF would ALWAYS assume he’d have the front passenger seat if my DH was driving. Never my DM. Never me. And it drove me mad! And yet I would have given up anything for my DM because she didn’t make that kind of assumption. (Not sure I’ve explained this very well…) I do think you’ve set a precedent though, plus they’re paying, so it does really give them first dibs… But I definitely hear you.

I imagine she will co sleep with her child until her child is ready and able to sleep alone.

I don’t get why you can’t do the tie-wrap thing that was suggested. It’s the perfect solution, surely? There’s no way the beds would drift apart that way?

@Wouldyouguess

If OP’s child has severe autism (non-verbal, possibly other Co-morbidities), it wouldn’t make logical sense for her to give up control for organising a holiday (due to the massively negative potential impacts on her child if needs were not met), nor would it make sense for the grandmother to not want to give up the bed for a severely disabled child, because you’d have to be pretty heartless, wouldn’t you?

That is where my presumption came from that the needs were somewhat manageable and that there was a chance within a 3-6 month period to attempt to introduce a new routine.

Relative to paperwork, once autism was raised as a possible diagnosis I got DC referred to nhs, they refused initially so I wrote a 2000 word report and got teacher to write 1000 word report, that got us on the waitlist, then I got them listed with a private assessor 6m wait, we put the cost on a credit card, and sent off for a DLA form the day of diagnosis, I wrote in excess of 20k words describing needs in-depth and supplied the 3 reports as evidence. DLA came through, was backdated and covered cost of assessment, which was then ratified on NHS and gave us access to intervention services. They gave referral to OT, feeding clinic and a range of other supports. Applied to 2 charities for further support and advice and for 2 grants and was successful. On 6th birthday I got Dc referred for ADHD assessment (the earliest you can) on both nhs and privately. Then pursued school senco to get referrals sent off for supports and advice for help in school, went through IEPs and all that, Endless… ADHD assessment came through on nhs as did OT so that was another 2 assessments completed. And ot referred for DCD assessment as that is there too. Working on school for assessment of specific learning disorders. And wrote 20-30k words + provided about 30 evidence documents to get a classroom assistant and other supports.

That is what I meant by paperwork. You have to push forward with all of it yourself. All of it was initiated by me and it got action. There is actually more than I can keep up with in terms of workshops, therapies, parental training - both nhs and charity based for free. But unless you have it is documented you don’t get much of anything.

I found out recently that had we sent DC to a private school most of the support they get would be barred to them. I wonder if because your child is at a special school does this likewise bar some intervention support on the basis it’s presumed to already be there?

Check out the SEND code of practice and seek support from autism charities, that’s where I got a lot of advice and got linked up with a lot.

@CantFindTheBeat

Please see previous explanation to another poster.

I couldn’t imagine anyone with a severely autistic child allowing someone else to plan and dictate a holiday. I wouldn’t and my child is mainstreamed. It was on that basis I presumed child was probably high functioning.

If she isn’t the whole thing is barmy. Never mind the bed, staying in the same house as grandparents, particularly if they have little experience of managing her, could set her off and be of safety concern.

Sorry but I just don’t understand this.

You are close enough to go on holiday with your parents so why don’t you just preempt all of this and sit down with your DM and fully explain the situation and issues here?

Surely if you explain in a clear and concise way why this should have been thought of before you accepted these arrangements and this is your mistake they will understand? Then the necessary adjustments can be made.

Realistically some of this is down to you not spelling out the necessary parameters beforehand. But given the property is booked isn’t it better to have a frank discussion prior to the holiday. Then any drama can be considered and avoided.

Except you've - repeatedly - said you dont want or need advice on parenting 🤣

Normally I would agree with you OP. Except in lots of hotel rooms and villas the double beds are two singles made up to be a double. This is pretty normal and the owners of the villa would normally do this on request.

Some of the replies on here are genuinely batshit and selfish. If you honestly would not put your own grandchild with a disability before yourself then you’re a shit human. And your own daughter, too. Wtaf. Some of you have family who treat you like shit and you’re bitter about it, and it shows. OP is completely not in the wrong here.

I cosleep with my toddler and even on holidays I’ve not paid for we’ve always been allowed to take the double bed to ensure we can continue to cosleep, because more than anything why would anyone want a child waking in the middle of the night disturbing everyone and waking the whole place up??

I can't see why the parents wouldn't sleep in a twin room unless there is some other factor that the OP hasn't mention, such as the master bedroom having a bathroom attached that the twin doesn't.

Btw, a king size fitted sheet isn't wide enough to cover two single mattresses. You'd need an 180 cm wide super king.

And is your child an individual?

Of course they are!

So every parent does what works for them

@strawberryswizzler maybe the grandparents do not understand why the twin room could not be made up as a double bed? It is normal in villas for the owners to make up beds either as doubles or two singles on request. So it seems a lot of fuss for no real reason.

Advice on MY parents 🤣

i could have reframed how I had written this and focused on how my parents are not understanding the needs of my child and there would have been much less of a pile on if I didn’t mention who paid what etc.

How many of these nasty posters would be happy to sleep on the gap between two single beds for a week? And there will be a gap, and a ridge where the mattresses meet. Some beds even have frames meaning the gap will be just the right size for a child to get wedged in. How comfy.

The last thing a neurodiverse child needs in a new environment is to be unable to sleep. I am so sorry your parents are being so blind to your needs. They would not suffer at all in two singles, your mum doesn’t need a double bed just for her, and your father should not be taking over the whole living room! They are the selfish ones, not you - they are not considering how their behaviour would impact you at all.

Are they like this across the board or is it just in making allowances for your child? Do you think maybe they don’t want to acknowledge that your child has special needs or they haven’t come to terms with the diagnosis? I’m trying to find a “nice” interpretation for their unkindness!!

@SensationalSusie
The NHS support depends on what each trusts offers. Mine offers... 3 hours of SALT and an online OT workshop on potty training- that's all we got over 3 years before he joined special school. Now we are entitled to nothing, ut the trust had zero zupport for children like my son before. We did get nice leaflets directing us to various charities in the area though.
You made assumnptions on the severity of OPs autism- but autism is the widest spectrum. OPs child may be pretty well functioning and yet not cope with sleep, and all your golden advice is still meaningless, just because it worked for you it trully does not mean it will not for someone else.

Im sorry but I find it pretty insulting, especially when it comes from other SN kid's parents, to imply that familes have not tried different solutions themselves My son is out of nappies. My friend has a 15 yo child still in nappies. Im not gonna waltz into her house and say, "oh darling, have you tried potty training by any chance? It's really not that hard."

Like that other poster who has a few kids on the spectrum you assume people have not tried different solutions and opted for the best one that works for them- in this case, cosleeping. OP was not asking about advice on that, but on how to deal with a crap holiday where they will get zero sleep because they will be all uncomfortable, except for the GPs.

You also assumed grandparents here are supportive, while OP said they did not understand her child's needs and prioritise their own. So to me it absolutely makes sense for GPs to selfisly book a villa with only one double bedroom and assume everyone else should be grateful that they even get to go.

Or maybe like many posters here GPs have loads of 'amazing' advice on how OP should parents her disabled daughter 😆withouth understanding the child's needs too, just because they parented a certain way. It's not that uncommon.