To think we should get the double room?

[Bibbidybobbidyroo]

We gave a family holiday booked this year - 2 adults in family 1 (my parents), two adults one child in family 2 (us).

My parents offered to pay for the cost of the accommodation as a kind gesture (they are financially better off). The accommodation has one master bedroom with a double bed, and three other twin bedrooms.

Our child has ASD and cosleeps as it’s the only way to guarantee any sort of sleep on what I fear is already going to be a trying week - first time abroad and a big routine change. I asked if we could the the double bed otherwise I’m going to end up squashed in a single with DD. They aren’t keen at ALL. Should probably mention my dad ends up falling asleep on the sofa and staying there all night anyway so my mum will mostly have the double bed to herself.

Im grateful that they paid for the villa but I feel like it’s coming with conditions that aren’t going to be very relaxing for us at all. I would have rather just paid our share and the felt like I could push for the bigger room more.

would you raise this again or just put up and shut up and accept the financial saving?

Right. So in order to tackle 'control' in the family dynamic she excercises coercive control herself? Either give us the master bedroom or you'll never get to go on holiday with your GC again? There are some very obvious ways to meet conflicting needs on future holidays, a villa with two double beds being the most obvious, separate apartments being another. There is absolutely no need to write off all future family holidays, and to suggest there is to her parents would simply be a (transparent) threat to get them to fall in line. Weaponising grandchildren like that is pretty shameful imo.

I don’t think the two beds will work together for DD
i can’t sleep in two singles. That will not work

I don't understand why though? There won't be any gap if you put the mattresses on the floor 🤷🏻‍♀️

We've always had two singles on a superking bedframe and we've never bothered with mattresses that zip together.

Lots of people don't go away on holiday with their grandchildren. But yes if you are someone that wishes to, it's probably a good idea not to insist on creating an environment that is uncomfortable for them and their parents.

@Wouldyouguess

I’m not a busy body.

I’m trying to put a positive spin on what OP is finding difficult.

And also pointing out that it might be a good idea to try and at least attempt to deal with this cosleeping challenge now, before the child starts school and OP is bombarded with paperwork, OT assessments, therapies, extra work and a pile of other stuff to deal with.

If after a week or so there is definitely no improvement then you say ok we’ll try again in 6m or a year.

Which makes it even weirder that they chose accommodation with 1 master bedroom. Really badly thought out. So OP either assumed they would have have the double bed without a conversation or her parents booked it without checking, but massive lack of communication all around

@Thegoodbadandugly

I agree with this. You have to at least try because pretty soon they are asked to sleepovers or have school trips, hobby trips 7-9yrs and then they can’t go due to cosleeping and they haven’t learnt the ability to self soothe.

@Tinkerbyebye and @PerfectTravelTote are absolutely right. Plus, I would anticipate that your parents want to en-suite for night-time loo trips.

@MangosteenSoda

This sounds entirely healthy and sensible.

I don’t think anyone is saying to put OP and child through the sort of difficult situation you’re describing.

Our child still ‘wants’ to cosleep but we know he ‘can’ sleep independently, once he has half and hour or so of thrashing around he settles and sleeps through 3 nights of the week, wakes us to come and settle him a few times through the night the rest of the time.

If it is the case that OPs daughter wakes up persistently through the night every night and has major hysterical meltdowns that is a different scenario.

Thanks for anticipating about complete strangers you do not know.

Respectfully, you are so many miles off our reality.

DD will NEVER be able to attend a sleepover or a hobby trip.

But thanks, thanks for also now somehow feeling its appropriate to also question how I parent my special needs child.

This has NOTHING to do about her ability to self soothe.

You could just as easily say that if you want a holiday with GPs around to provide an extra pair of hands, entertainment for DC, take them in the pool now and again while you read your book, maybe even the odd night off while they babysit you'd do better not to create an environment that is uncomfortable for them. The GP role isn't a one way street. Many do sterling work in supporting parents and enrich the lives of the DGC no end in the process. I don't suppose many agree to let their parents pay for them to stay in a holiday villa as an act of pure altruism.

@Bibbidybobbidyroo

If her autism as severe as that why on earth are you entertaining this holiday??

My ND DC is mainstreamed and I always have control over everything to ensure he is ok.

Ok, to spell it out because this thread is becoming frustrating:

I am wrong for not speaking up in advance and telling them that this sleeping arrangement will not work for us.
I am not spoiled or demanding, because i haven't demanded anything.
If DD was NT or it was just us, i wouldnt dream of asking for the double bed.
No, I do not hate my parents. Relationships with people we love are complex and multi-faceted.
No, my DH isnt suffering because we cosleep. Thanks for being weird though.
Yes, my mum is in her 50s. I am in my 40s. I am sure you can all do some basic math to work out why thats not unbelievable.
Yes, I am really anxious about taking DD abroad for the first time. Thank you, truly, to those who have sent some brilliant tips on how to make this more manageable.
Once we are there and they see that DD is going to go fucking ballistic and not sleep (no, not even if we put two beds together) then I am sure she will offer to swap. Shes not a dick, they just have trouble imagining reality outside of their own circumstances or experience.
Yes, its really fucking annoying that DF sleeps in the living room. I am tired of trying to fight that one though.

No consolation but I think you will know now for future holidays that these kind of things need thrashed out before booking.
If something is the difference between having a peaceful (ish) holiday or a nightmare, like you having a double bed then that’s the deal breaker and you need to stick to it.
Too late now though.

@5128gap if you seriously believe that choosing not to holiday with someone constitutes "coercive control", then I suspect there isn't much you and I would agree on. So probably best to leave it there.

To all the people saying that the child needs to learn to sleep independently. It will happen.

My child only slept on me. I mean on me. She was like Velcro stuck to my side. Which was why two mattresses pushed together would not work. We were not just in the same bed. We were one mass. This went on for years.

she is now 14 and always sleeps in her own room.

If we our ASD children as they need to be parented, not by arbitrary standards, then they will flourish.

No. I don't believe choosing not to go on holiday is coercive control. I believe that were the OP to deliver the speech you wrote for her however, it would be, because the OP would be using the threat of an extreme and unnecessary sanction in order to get her own way. If OP wants to pull out if this holiday because it doesn't suit, then fine. But what reason would there be to say there would never be another one, given the thousands of villas out there that could meet all their needs in future?

Also for @Dotchange

2 singles are not the same as one double. In my case, I need to lie with my arms closely around my child for them to be calm and feel safe. This is more comfortably done when you don’t have to avoid a crack in the bed that will trigger your DC’s sensory issues.

My DC will startle awake multiple times each night and will then need to rear up and fling back on the bed for sensory feedback. Two singles, even with the magical fitted king sheet, are unlikely to stand up to this without needing readjustment… getting up and moving the beds back into place would disturb DC further and would trigger the beginning of the OCD cycle of rearing and flinging ad infinitum.

And that’s just part of it. People who live it can’t comprehend it but they should at least believe a totally knackered parent who is raising a likely issue and not just looking to invent problems (we have enough of those already).

Matresses on the floor would freak my DC out because they are used to the feeling and height of a bed and I wouldn’t want to prep that at home before the holiday because it would take forever to get back into a normal bed once that routine had been established.

Child and parent in the double is easier for everyone in this situation. As I’m sure OP’s parents will realise at some point.

If you don’t live with these types of issues then you can’t comprehend them. It’s shit. It’s exhausting. We would prefer not to have to think about such minutiae. It’s not fair for you to tell us what is a big deal and what isn’t because the one person who determines that is the ND child.

YABU - if I was your parents there is no way I would be sleeping in a single bed

But you are a busybody- you assume all children respond to things in the same way. They trully do not. If it was that easy, all ND kids would not struggle with anything, because we could all just use one method and it would work. But life is not that easy. You also assume most ND kids get OT assessment and therapies
😂😂😂😂and extra work- most get a leaflet and au revoir. My son is in special school. OT could not be less interested in his sleep and daily struggles, before he got there we had 3 hours of SALT over 3 years *that is the TOTAL SALT over three years)- this was the only supportwe got ever. We would love piles of paperwork and therapies, sadly unless youre loaded, most parts of the country- maybe OP will have more luck, or maybe not.
Cosleeping is not bad btw and many people dont struggle. Maybe you did, that's fair enough. But that does not mean it's bad for children.

@Ponderingwindow

I agree, unless there are other major learning disabilities or problems, most well exhibit some degree of independence.

The other night we had this conversation

DC: Pleeeaase come and sleep with me. I can’t sleep.

Me: No.

DC: But whhhyyy? I neeeeddd you.

Me: I’m doing this for your own good. We both know you can sleep. You need to be able to settle yourself and self soothe so you grow up to be a resilient adult.

DC: But you and Daddy sleep in together, does that mean you aren’t resilient adults?

Me: 😳

Yes.

Because all autistic children are the same and have the same issues.

What about the kids who will never be independent enough to even exist without being supervised, who will never leave the house on their own nevermind going on trips? Those kids exist too...

I'm a lot older

I'd want it to suit my ASD grandchild

what a bizarre thing to focus on.

no.