Homeoffice fees

[Lucky2shoes]

Dp is on limited leave to remain and we are so upset at what it's going to cost to renew for another 2.5 years. It's in the region of £4500. We both feel like our lives are wrecked and I feel like there is no point in my life anymore. I'm on zero hour contract as I'm unwell due to autism/adhd plus other conditions I can't work more hours and dp is full-time minimum wage we are not entitled to any benefits.
On top of all of this dp has dependants although mostly grown up in his home country who put immense pressure on him to help financially due to poor earnings.
I don't know what to do about this situation but I feel like checking out of my life but I feel so bad for dp who is a very good person.

So it's looking like pressuring you to get a loan then. Please do not do this.

Yes the male relations all work but the type of work they do is up and down and the wages are very very low and if anybody is sick or has an accident there is no welfare system.

No there won't be a loan we will save for the fees

And live off what in your unheated horrible flat while he sends money home to people I genuinely believe are not sick as often as they say, and need to look at their own work amd improve it. Or also the female family members could work too.

If he sent 200 per month, which is more than some UK mothers get in child support, and two of his are adults, you could save a bit. But not enough in the time frame.

I think you need another life OP. You know he will probably make do with you. For now. Is his wife really dead? I’m just thinking is this a tale he’s told you? I can’t believe he’d leave the kids otherwise?

Have you spoken to his family in Pakistan? Know who they all are? Have you ever visited?

I know a closer member of my family who had a family with a man from India, he used to go back to India regularly and had a family over there that she knew nothing about until he brought one of his sons back with him!!

He's taking responsibility by working surely

Gut instict can be very powerful

It can. And it can also be wrong.

Are you taking on board any of the points made at all?

Because they could also be seen as gut instinct.

It's not possible until he has indefinite leave

Yes I am but I'm finding it upsetting and confusing because as one poster said he is good to me but not for me. Its given me purpose to help somebody I would be so lonely without him

Fwiw I agree with you

Why? My friend is in a somewhat similar situation, she was able to sponsor her partner and his child, both non-EU citizens.

I'm sure he is nice to you, it is in his interests to be so, as you are his ticket to ILR.

He's not good for you, as you seem to live in a state of constant stress, and this isn't healthy. You could make other friends, claim PIP and benefits you are entitled to, maybe work more if less stressed, it could be a better life.

I don't want this to sound mean, but it seems that you are focused on fixing his situation as it stops you looking too closely at your own. Which we've all done on occasions, but you need to prioritise you. If he stays or leaves, you will still be here, so you need to focus on making your life the best it can be. He should be a bonus, not a millstone round your neck and that's how I see it at present.

Apparently females make up a very small fraction of the workforce and there is alot of harassment. I don't know tbh

Its given me purpose to help somebody I would be so lonely without him

This right here sounds like the main reason you stay with him. And it's not a good one.
There are many, many other ways to meet people, friends, partners, so that you don't have to feel lonely.

But there is no mother, so someone from the extended family took it upon themselves to bring up these three children for most of their lives, which even in Pakistan must have been quite detrimental to their own quality of life - in terms of housing, ability to work, even the ability to have as many own children as they would have liked to?

@zendeveloper IF there is no mother. I mean it’s not like OP speaks the language, has she spoken to the family in Pakistan? How do we know someone masquerading as a sister isn’t the wife? Honestly I’ve seen it sooooo many times and as mentioned above a family member has direct experience.

OP you could have a better life without him. Seriously, you would be lonely? He can see you’re vulnerable. He will treat you well, cos he has a lot to lose if he doesn’t. It’s sad, so sad.

There are mixed opinions as to whether the mother is dead, the OP doesn't speak Urdu so has no idea what is going on in the video calls. Either way, that is his issue, not hers to fix.

@murasaki well it is her issue since she’s supporting him to get IDLR and her life is stressful as a result. She could be living with a con man!

@SportMum1982 true, I meant more that his supporting his family shouldn't impact her, and it clearly does. Her living conditions sound relatively worse than theirs given national differences.

I think he is a con man, but doesn't think of himself as so as he's just trying to improve his life as he sees it. But he's bringing her down in the process.

I agree this does not really matter, but morally - he has to pay child support to whoever is looking full-time after his children. If he's on minimum wage, he'd be paying roughly the same if he was British, and his children lived in the UK with their mother full time, or they were EU and lived in one of EU countries. Why should Pakistani children get less from their father?

Arguably, even more - I assume it is not as easy for a Pakistani woman with three kids to get a breadwinner job, get into a partnership with a new guy to share expenses, or rely on state welfare in Pakistan.

As long as he's relying on you to cough up some or all the HO fees he's not taking financial responsibility for himself or his family back in Pakistan.

One of those children is 24, and another soon to be an adult. While I agree some child support should be paid, 400 is excessive.

How much would you need to cover your expenses to suddenly become in loco parentis to three British children - compared to the average UK salary? Just the expenses, not the inconvenience or unpaid labour.
The 24 year old was at most 16 when the father has left, and likely much younger.