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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to give this prize back after 6 months.

265 replies

Thecurtainsdontmeet · 28/01/2024 07:36

we won 4 VIP tickets to a sporting event, at a school raffle, date to be mutually agreed. Whilst the donor was named on the prize details, we didn’t know who they were other than a school parent. Turns out they are very influential at school. They were pointed out to me at at school event so I introduced myself, thanked them for the prize and we had a long chat during which he said that the prize was only nominally for 4 tickets, but we could bring more people if we wanted. There is no additional cost to him. He also offered to us VIP tickets to watch the premier league football team my son supports and to which he has links. I was to email him after the holidays. I duly emailed with our availability and got no response. After 6 weeks I messaged his wife (who I also didn’t know)to check he’d got the email. 3 weeks later he emailed pointing out that our date of preference was a school event, which I’d overlooked. I immediately replied with alternative dates. Heard nothing for 3 months whereupon he emailed 3 days before one of the dates I’d given (the other 2 dates had passed) saying we could go in 3 days. having not heard from him I hadn’t kept the date free. I emailed back and said we couldn’t go and provided alternative dates. A date was confirmed and he asked how many tickets we wanted, so I replied that we’d like 8, 4 adults and 4 children. He has just replied that normally he only gives 4, ‘but on this occasion’.

Im really embarrassed and feel like a scolded teenager. I would never have asked for 8 tickets if he hadn’t offered. I’m actually not sure I want to go at all now. I’ve had to chase this man from the outset to get the tickets he donated to a raffle and now he’s told me off for asking for additional tickets that he offered. It just feel like he’s lording over the peasants.
Would you
A) still take the 8 tickets and go(he will be there)
B) email back “Hi x , I’m quite embarrassed. I wouldn’t have asked for 8 tickets if you hadn’t offered additional tickets when we spoke. 4 is fine thank you”
C) email back “Hi x, I’m quite embarrassed. I wouldn’t have asked for 8 tickets if you hadn’t offered additional tickets when we spoke. This all feels a bit uncomfortable now, so we are going to politely decline the tickets. I hope you enjoy the event”.
For context non VIP tickets to watch this event aren’t like gold dust and don’t cost the earth; we usually go as a family a couple of times a year anyway.

URBU- just take the 8 tickets and go
URNBU- politely give the tickets back.

OP posts:
waterrat · 28/01/2024 12:02

He has behaved very rudely and unprofessionally. If he donated this as a gift he should have done everything in his power to organise it IMMEDIATELY and to your satisfaction. It's appalling that you had to chase.

I totally disagree with all the wimps on here - you were told you could bring more people - you asked then to bring more people. He sounds like a bossy dickhead

I would go for none of these options - I would very clearly and politely reply saying thanks so much and just to be clear - I only asked for 8 because you offered in our conversation.

No need for more drama than that.

Yalta · 28/01/2024 12:02

*forcedfun · Today 11:57

You don't come across well on here at all op.

You seem to actively dislike the man (envy?) Yet simultaneously be greedy enough to ask for double the number of tickets in the raffle prize. I'm a bit baffled really*

Well he did say it was no skin off his nose to bring more people

StockpotSoup · 28/01/2024 12:05

He is probably well known for his big gestures but wonder how many come to fruition

Erm… but it DID come to fruition. In fact, OP got double what was offered as the original prize. She’s just thrown a strop because he hasn’t dispatched a flunky to deliver the tickets on a silver platter.

itsmyp4rty · 28/01/2024 12:05

I think communication was really poor. Why offer a prize that has to be organised if you don't have the time to organise it?

StockpotSoup · 28/01/2024 12:05

If he donated this as a gift he should have done everything in his power to organise it IMMEDIATELY and to your satisfaction. It's appalling that you had to chase.

😆😆😆

WhyAmINotCleaning · 28/01/2024 12:08

Fallenangelofthenorth · 28/01/2024 08:48

C. I'd feel the same as you and would rather buy my own tickets than have to chase multiple times for freebies that are given begrudgingly. How on earth were you to know that when he said you coupd have more than 4 tickets he didn't actually mean that? And he couldn't even be arsed to give you the 4 in any case you annoying peasant. Nah, fuck that shit, just buy your own.

This.

itsmyp4rty · 28/01/2024 12:09

User2356542 · 28/01/2024 12:01

I’ve had to chase this man from the outset to get the tickets he donated to a raffle and now he’s told me off for asking for additional tickets that he offered. It just feel like he’s lording over the peasants.

A potential thought for OP is whether you have ND tendencies and take things very literally? This seems like the classic type of misunderstanding that arises due to literal thinking and lack of social cues.

  1. First red flag is the amount of time it took to pin down a date. The long, delayed replies clearly meant this issue was clearly not a high priority for him and should have been resolved in a way that causes him the least amount of inconvenience.

  2. After rescheduling two dates, this was a sign to stick to the original number of tickets in order not to further complicate things.

  3. Conversely, if communication had been quick and easy from the beginning and you swiftly arranged a date, then it would have been more acceptable to request extra places.

  4. He is not attempting to assert his dominance over "peasants" but seems like a busy person with lots of commitments. In business, the length of time someone takes to reply is an unspoken way of signalling the importance that the other person has in their life. 24hrs means you are equals, a few days means you are important but not necessarily useful and after that means he would rather procrastinate the task entirely unless chased.

  5. Sorry if you didn't know about this. For the same reason, when you write to another school mum you get a reply very quickly. This is because most mums see each other as equals and have the time and energy to be on their phones.

This is hilarious!

Yes OP you must be autistic if you don't know that this man is clearly signalling to you that you are not important - not a peasant of course, but certainly not his equal. You stick to your little mum friends who have all day to play on their phones with you.

What an arsehole of a man you must be User2356542.

WhyAmINotCleaning · 28/01/2024 12:11

He wanted to be billy-big-balls when approached by the school, now he doesn't want to follow up and give extra seats unless he will get public credit for it.

SideshowAuntSallyx · 28/01/2024 12:11

Thecurtainsdontmeet · 28/01/2024 08:55

@macedoniann he DOES have a PA. Probably more than 1.

I'm a PA. Personal stuff, and this is just that, isn't in my remit. I don't get involved with anything outside of work for them, it's a very old fashioned view of PA work.

StockpotSoup · 28/01/2024 12:13

WhyAmINotCleaning · 28/01/2024 12:11

He wanted to be billy-big-balls when approached by the school, now he doesn't want to follow up and give extra seats unless he will get public credit for it.

Then why has he said yes to the extra tickets?

Yalta · 28/01/2024 12:13

*BananasInThreePieceSuits · Today 11:55

Quite clearly you are bitter and resentful about this man and his family. Jealousy is not a good look.

You whitter on about how you’re “not important” and “one of the small people”, but you’ve just made that up.

He’s busy. So what? He won’t have deliberately been ignoring you. He did a nice thing and you’re just being an arse about it*

But isn’t that saying she isn’t important to him

He missed 2 dates she gave then expected her to have so little very going on in her life and be keeping the date clear so she would be free to go when snapped his fingers and decided to get back to her.

This strikes me as someone who doesn’t want her there

Wonder how many other “raffle prize winners” over the years have been put in the same position

Jk8 · 28/01/2024 12:21

AnotherCountryMummy · 28/01/2024 07:48

He seems a bit disorganised. But I also wouldn't have asked for double the initial amount - I'd imagine it was more of an offer for extra tickets if you're a family of 5 rather than 4, for example. Not bring 4 extra people.

I would also have assumed the 'extra tickets' meant direct family members MAYBE a cousin/sibling not an extra family/group of friends & that if there was no date on them then you would book for the next available one

BUT it's done now so just carry on & a quick thanks after would be fine at the end of the day - he'll be more careful in the future if he's unhappy

forcedfun · 28/01/2024 12:25

Yalta · 28/01/2024 12:02

*forcedfun · Today 11:57

You don't come across well on here at all op.

You seem to actively dislike the man (envy?) Yet simultaneously be greedy enough to ask for double the number of tickets in the raffle prize. I'm a bit baffled really*

Well he did say it was no skin off his nose to bring more people

Yes but I would have thought that noone with manners would take him up on that unless it was, for instance, that they were a family of 5 and it would mean they could all go

User2356542 · 28/01/2024 12:26

@itsmyp4rty You're being the arsehole by using autism as an insult which was never even mentioned in my post! I'm simply pointing out two vital facts that OP seems to have overlooked, which is often caused by lack of experience in social cues or literal thinking.

  1. Going from 4 free tickets to 8 tickets based on a verbal mention of the host that she can bring "more". As many here have said, it clearly implies a maximum of 5 or 6 in the event their family has more members.

  2. Taking offence at the length of time of replies and how often this man needs be chased up, instead of realising it may be a signal on his end that the situation is no longer a priority. Therefore a quick, easy resolution was needed and sticking with the original 4 tickets would have been the obvious solution.

Maxe · 28/01/2024 12:29

Given how useless he's been at sorting it out I'm surprised he mentioned it.

While does seem bit CF to double the booking, I believe he likely did give you that impression wanting to appear generous while in your company as would've been clearer saying extra 1 or 2 if have more kids is ok. Just offer to the buy the extra 4 tickets if it's something would usually go to anyway and then you needn't feel awkward about the misunderstanding.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 28/01/2024 12:31

it was ‘there is plenty of space, bring who you like ….except on this one date’.

See, I don't get why everybody is saying that OP is a CF by asking for another four tickets. If he'd said "We miiiiight be able to stretch that number if necessary", then yes, of course; but he clearly threw the invitation wide open. You wouldn't normally stress 'plenty of space' meaning you could squeeze one more person in.

I agree that a lot of people donate grand prizes so that they look good themselves, but then can see it as an irritation when the winners actually want to use it.

The favour was in donating the prize to the fundraisers in the first place (although there's an argument that it maybe wasn't a favour at all, but just buying PR); it is not a continued favour to make good on it to the people who bought a ticket (thus also supporting the charity) and won it.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 28/01/2024 12:33

Also, there being another two adults doesn't necessarily mean they've invited another whole family along too; it could be the children's grandparents.

Mindlesspuzzles · 28/01/2024 12:43

I would go with B. At least it sounds to be a proper prize.

I went to a craft fair, years ago. I was heavily pregnant at the time and also had a toddler in tow and was immediately grabbed by a woman to sign up for a prize draw.
A couple of months later I got a letter saying I'd won 1st prize...! I was chuffed to bits.
Turned out the prize was for a family photo session at a special discounted rate. Turned out the cheapest it was going be was £90.

I politely declined . Wish I'd pointed out that it wasn't a prize.

forcedfun · 28/01/2024 12:48

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 28/01/2024 12:31

it was ‘there is plenty of space, bring who you like ….except on this one date’.

See, I don't get why everybody is saying that OP is a CF by asking for another four tickets. If he'd said "We miiiiight be able to stretch that number if necessary", then yes, of course; but he clearly threw the invitation wide open. You wouldn't normally stress 'plenty of space' meaning you could squeeze one more person in.

I agree that a lot of people donate grand prizes so that they look good themselves, but then can see it as an irritation when the winners actually want to use it.

The favour was in donating the prize to the fundraisers in the first place (although there's an argument that it maybe wasn't a favour at all, but just buying PR); it is not a continued favour to make good on it to the people who bought a ticket (thus also supporting the charity) and won it.

It's just basic etiquette to realise that even with a vague comment like this there is a line somewhere though. Would it have been fine if op invited 15 people? 30?

It seems obvious to me that meant 1 or 2 more tops

olympicsrock · 28/01/2024 12:50

Cheeky to ask for 8 tickets , super rude not to reply to emails. I’d be a C to be honest.

Pugdays · 28/01/2024 12:54

I'd never of dreamed of asking for double the amount of tickets ,never
So that will be why you feel uncomfortable

lacyviolet · 28/01/2024 13:15

it's all got too awkward so I'd say thanks, but you're no longer available and don't ask for alternative dates or make any reference to him offering more than 4 tickets. 8 tickets does sound like a lot to ask for, but equally, he has made you feel small, which isn't nice, and I wouldn't be able to enjoy the event, so I think just move on and forget it.

cupcakesarelife · 28/01/2024 13:19

you've done nothing wrong. this is someone who is very rude and making you chase a prize you won. I think you should take the 8 tickets, but give him the opportunity to decline (he will look like a bigger dick). But be very (polite) clear in the email it was because he offered 8. Don't say "i'm embarrassed", when he should be embarrassed. Since this is over email (they will keep it), make sure you explain where the 8 tickets came from. let the email be dignified on your end.

LondonLass91 · 28/01/2024 13:19

AnotherCountryMummy · 28/01/2024 07:48

He seems a bit disorganised. But I also wouldn't have asked for double the initial amount - I'd imagine it was more of an offer for extra tickets if you're a family of 5 rather than 4, for example. Not bring 4 extra people.

Yes, asking for double the amount of people is a piss take tbh.

user1492757084 · 28/01/2024 13:20

He's a generous but busy person and the dates were swapped around a bit.
All ended up fine so just go. Attend, enjoy and thank the fellow face to face - especially for giving you eight tickets when normally he offers four. Shout him a beer.
There is no way he would remember exactly the conversation from months ago.

Did you indicate the number you wanted in your first e-mail?