To be fed up with apologising to DH

[Fizzyrosie]

I make lots of little mistakes, forgetting to lock the back door or not putting the handbrake on.

And I don't disagree that I should do all these things but I am fed up hearing myself apologise to DH when he picks me up about every single thing.

And every fucking apology has to be 'no excuses'. I learnt from 20 plus year's practice there's no point trying to explain the in and outs on the situation ,it has to a full bodied apology.

When everything is ticking along and I'm not knackered then it doesn't really bother me and I can take it in my stride but when I'm already feeling a bit low it really does get to me. I've tried explaining this to DH but he doesn't get it and for him it's black and white - we've agreed on X or y and I've not followed this but can't be let some stuff go. Sometimes there might be 5 mini lectures through the day and I have to apologise for each one and I'm sick of it.

Same

I came to MN to get a honest feedback and you don't get as much criticism as I do every day without being able to take it.

Appreciate your honesty
@theresastormcomingI am hopefully self aware enough to know am not at the same level as your ex but good to know just how shit it might be being married to me... Hope it gets better as you're obviously hurting too.

Thanks for those who have offered support and as well as the other perspective. Really hadn't even considered a medical solution at all so will look into that. God if could take a pill and fix this that would be bloody amazing.

Even if that isn't a goer, my life would be so so much better if didn't make these mistakes and annoy the hell out of DH so think I do need to sort my shit out.

You love to make things about you, don't you?

I note your observation that "this is the internet". You seem to believe that gives you a license to unleash your madness on people who ate feeling vulnerable but what you're actually doing is being an a-grade bully. It's pathetic.

OP I definitely think pp are right that you should look into ADHD and speak to your GP about your forgetfulness. Perhaps long term sleep deprivation is affecting you.

Apologising and listening to lecturers all day doesn't seem to be helping either of you, so it's time to try something else.

The op situation is totally different to your husband though "thereisastormcoming

This could be caused by epilepsy or the meds - try being a little kinder . I do think you've made it very personal - start your own thread if you need to vent .

It's unfair to op here .

I live alone thank fuck but I'm having some problems with neurological issues and I'm forgetting things and it's actually really worrying. I'm scared to death I've got dementia or MS or epilepsy.

Unless your husband has an underlying condition it's not the same .

Am I the only one who is concerned about the dog? He/she gets walked at 6 am and OP is away until 6.30 pm...

The last time dp left the back door unlocked I kicked him out to his dad's for a few nights, I was absolutely furious.....mainly because we've already been burgled once because of him doing it. So he's nicer than me. 😶

DH works from home and so I take the dog in the morning before I leave and he takes the dog.out at lunch and then we take turns in the evening.

Six hours sleep is not enough. You are kidding yourself that this is enough. This will affect your long-term health.

You need to build a checklist to make sure you're not leaving the dangerous stuff undone. The rest of it is not important and you should not to be constantly apologising.

If I was the person who couldn't do the handbrake etc, my husband would just check it as part of his routine and not expect an apology. If he found it off, he'd put it on, maybe mention it briefly and I'd say thank you.

Eat with the kids.

Does the dog really need walking that much?? I mean your schedule sounds exhausting op and if your dh is working from home he has all that free time from not having to commute?

What happens if your DH makes a mistake and you notice it?

is it one rule for you another for him or does he live by his own standards he puts on you?

also that daily routine, you’re probably being forgetful because you’re worn out. I was forgetful and a bit all over the place when my kid was 7-12 yo. They’re more mentally demanding than toddlers.

I would prioritise you getting to bed a little bit earlier each night. Eat a little sooner. Perhaps you need to cut down on some of your kids clubs so you arent overwhelmed every evening.

If he's wfh couldnt he do some of the morning stuff ?

Let you sleep a bit longer ?
You've a long commute and you're spinning plates with health issues !

I'd laminate a checklist and want it in the fridge - morning one and evening one.

But I think you need to divide the load more . And stop bloody apologising !

I meant laminate lists and put them ON the fridge !

@SauronsArsehole when you struggle with memory you'll have a really hard time knowing if somebody else has done it and both will probably default to the op being the one that made the mistake.

Once or twice I noticed my ex do something stupid because there was literally no way it could have been me but most of the time I couldn't be sure so took the flack.

Do you manage at work OP? Or is it the same, forgetting things. If it's both then there is clearly a problem that needs to be solved. If it's just at home maybe it's because you have given so much at work you just don't have any energy left.
I wouldn't be constantly apologising to another adult though. I'd be expecting my husband to help me come up with some solutions to help. These apologies are clearly absolutely useless.ĺ

Sometimes, and if I'm being really honest I think, oh goodie something to say to him. Usually that end up in a flaming row as my resentment is writ large. But that is unusual.

But often I just can't be bothered mentioning it. And I am a generally quite an easy going person who thinks the best of people.

What's the chore split at home op?

Sounds like burnout to me..forgetfulness is a major symptom. Your lifestyle sounds really tough.

There are some good suggestions here how you could counter them. Try some experiments - a week where you go to bed at 11, where you do 1 meal for the family, where your husband does the morning dog walk - see what works.

You need to get your husband to engage with the scientific, brain-related reasons why you are forgetting things (probably not at the point of a mistake being made) and see if he can understand how a lecture is making the problem worse.

My husband had this. In the end we agreed, if he just had to do what he had to do (eg take a nap in the day if he had to). In the end, he walked away from the work-related issues which were the source of the stress and he's fine now.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/happybytes/202308/is-burnout-making-you-dumber

OP, what are your meds called and have you looked up the side effects?
I think you should talk to your GP.
I am by no means an expert, but I do have a friend with epilepsy and she really struggles if she gets over tired. I don't know what medication she is on, but having any kind of health condition can't be easy.

No suggestions but just wanted to say I feel your pain. My whole life I’ve been shit at looking after anything - keys, wallet, phone, earphones etc. In fact just two nights ago I left our car keys in the car so it sat on the drive unlocked until morning. I’ve also always struggled with timeliness, not sure if it’s related.

It’s so upsetting as I totally get why it sucks to be married to me, and why these things might seem easily fixable - but they’re not! It’s not like I just don’t care - with all the will in the world, my brain just sucks at taking care of every day items.

Yes 100% concur on only making one meal. I would also see if you can stretch to a cleaner a couple of hours a week so you aren't doing housework into the night plus your dp doing the morning dog walk.

As for coping with forgetfulness I try to make it as difficult as possible. Tile on keys so phone goes off if I leave the house without them. Anything I need the next day in front of the door rather than even next to it so I'd trip over if I leave it. Stuff I need regularly either stays in my car or my bag and goes nowhere else ever under pain of death. Lots of it is planning for failure.

If you forget keys a lot can you install an entry pad instead? Get the type of car that locks when you get out rather than having to physically do it?

Is he asking for an apology/making you feel you need to apologise, or do you just feel you have to? And if you feel you have to, is that not some sort of admission of guilt for being a slack arse. If either partner continues to make the same mistakes over and over despite the other person expressing frustration at those actions (or lack of a joint resolution) etc, how does anyone in that relationship feel heard or respected.

Mind you just a quick look at epilepsy medication online and the side effects might explain this.

She clearly isn't doing it for a laugh. I can't imagine many people would continue doing things that get them multiple lectures a day just because they are too lazy to be bothered. Clearly somethings wrong and she needs to find out what it is and he needs to stop bullying her because it's obviously not helping!