I have a real problem here don't I?

[oneforaorroa]

I’m a 31 year old professional woman. I function in society but I do it half arsed. The only joy I get in my life is from drinking, numbing my emotions, life is too painful otherwise.

I don’t care about much other than getting to my next drink. I white knuckle every day to get to the day I can drink. My mood improves each day closer I get.

I sit in my house alone, drink wine, smoke cigarettes and take lines of cocaine. I go to work on Monday and smile and act like everything is okay. My colleagues wouldn’t believe the way I live.

I am still managing to keep it to weekends mostly but once in a while I will plan a sick day just so I can drink the night before.

The day after I will lay in bed all day and watch depressing and morbid videos on my phone. Sometimes I want to cry as the pain inside is so intense but I literally can’t.

I’m already on fluoxetine. I’m doing my dream job (although stressful). I have a nice home, amazing friends and family so I don’t know why I feel this way, but I just do. I’m in pain every single day except when I drink. It’s crippling. I care about nothing and no one, truly.

Has anyone else been in this situation and any advice how to get the hell out?

I have been aware for a while that something has to change and on a Monday morning it’s easy to say, ‘I can’t live like this’ but come Thursday, it’s the only thing I have to look forward to.

You need to go into rehab. Seriously.

I wish. Sadly that would mean me taking a sledge hammer to my full life and having to rebuild it.

What causes the pain you are in?

A very honest and brave account.

You could look for a therapist. You don’t have to give up anything to start therapy so don’t feel pressurised to stop all your habits at once beforehand.

When did this all start?

If you don't, your addictions will take a real sledgehammer to your life. You're kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

You're an alcoholic.

It also sounds like you are addicted to cochineal and nicotine.

If you recognise how serious your addiction is, and seek treatment then your life need not suffer.

There's hope @oneforaorroa .

I think childhood trauma I've never dealt with

On and off for ten years at least but it's gotten worse recently. I did 6 months sober in 2019 and never felt better. Started drinking again during lockdown.

Try AA, OP. You're already in a space that is destroying your life. The sledgehammer might start to look like sweet mercy soon.

Please try the addiction support group on here. It's so helpful with no judgement.🤗

Read the naked mind for a start, drinking is causing all your symptoms.

I would love to go to groups but I get so scared to go alone and my job is (ironically) working with people with these exact addictions so would be worried I bump into them. AA, NA, CA is always something I recommend.

I have read that and it helped me with the 6 months. Will try again

Therapy and rehabilitation are two separate things. If you can afford coke, you can afford a therapist. Go and find someone. You owe it to your childhood self.

Start with a visit to your GP and then start confiding in someone you trust and who loves you. Everyone's lives are a series of ups and downs or seasons when you are happy or sad. Nobody lives their whole life in a state of euphoria. If you confide in someone, you will likely find that they have been where you are now. You are talking as if you are unique in your problems. Most people have shit periods. Get talking to people because it is absolutely true that a problem shared is a problem halved. Good luck.

Have you tried to find a local AA/NA group, OP? You have an addiction but recovery is absolutely possible 💐

Private counselling would provide the safe space you need to talk and feel safe doing so at a pace you're comfortable with

BCAPS has a list of approved therapists

This is just from Thursday and still more in fridge 😢

Sending love to you. Must feel very lonely having this secret weekend life.

I think you need to tell your GP everything and see what they recommend. They will have seen this before I'm sure.

You might need a new anti-depressant and counselling or cognitive behaviour therapy.

You can totally turn it around though. Life will be happier soon.

You won't believe me but the alcohol and drug use is causing your depression, not curing it.

You have 2 choices.

Carry on as you are in the full understanding that it will get worse and worse. You will need to drink more, ingest more drugs, and keep on the treadmill of going absolutely nowhere good.

Or

See your GP and get help to go into rehab to detox safely and get clean. It'll be harder than you can imagine but you will be moving and trying to get somewhere. Not drinking at all or taking any drugs is a battle that you will be having the rest of your life. But you CAN have a life free of this downward spiral of depression.

It's your choice.

You poor thing.
Print your post out, go to the GP and hand it to them, or even copy, paste and email it to them, so they have time to read properly.
You can self refer to talking therapies, but I think you need more support. They can help you without blowing your life apart.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

Do you have private medical insurance OP? If so, then I would recommend the priory addiction programme (28 day inpatient program)

OP, I'd worry that this photo could be quite outing?

Op you have made the first step by posting here. It means you are beginning to accept that you no longer want this life.

Sending you lots of strength. I could have easily had that line up of bottles 18 months ago. I’m still smoking but haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since then.
I had to hit rock bottom to realise what the alcohol was doing to me. I’ve had therapy. Gone NC with my parents. Finally feeling free at 48. New life and new hobbies.
There are lots of books out there and a very good app called I am sober - the forum is supportive.

You would really benefit from therapy to process your childhood trauma OP. Sending a hug.