I have a real problem here don't I?

[oneforaorroa]

I’m a 31 year old professional woman. I function in society but I do it half arsed. The only joy I get in my life is from drinking, numbing my emotions, life is too painful otherwise.

I don’t care about much other than getting to my next drink. I white knuckle every day to get to the day I can drink. My mood improves each day closer I get.

I sit in my house alone, drink wine, smoke cigarettes and take lines of cocaine. I go to work on Monday and smile and act like everything is okay. My colleagues wouldn’t believe the way I live.

I am still managing to keep it to weekends mostly but once in a while I will plan a sick day just so I can drink the night before.

The day after I will lay in bed all day and watch depressing and morbid videos on my phone. Sometimes I want to cry as the pain inside is so intense but I literally can’t.

I’m already on fluoxetine. I’m doing my dream job (although stressful). I have a nice home, amazing friends and family so I don’t know why I feel this way, but I just do. I’m in pain every single day except when I drink. It’s crippling. I care about nothing and no one, truly.

Has anyone else been in this situation and any advice how to get the hell out?

I have been aware for a while that something has to change and on a Monday morning it’s easy to say, ‘I can’t live like this’ but come Thursday, it’s the only thing I have to look forward to.

Do you not have anyone in real life you can confide in? My sisters the same at 32. The first thing you need to do is get to the doctors and get a medication review, if you are still struggling so bad it sounds like you need the dosage increased. Have you ever had any sort of therapy? With regards to the AA, CA anonymous. You could travel to the next town so you aren't at risk of bumping in to anyone. The cocaines a really dangerous road to start going down, itl cost you a fortune youl increase the amount you take and how often because youl start to need more for the same effects and youl become even lower mentally. Follow hypnosis_expert on Instagram or tiktok, he does great videos and a podcast on addiction and he also gives private treatment.

And my internal voice said you better be careful and then replied well who cares, death would be welcome.

Try remedial hypnosis. Those internal voices come from your subconscious mind and can help you deal with the core issues which have translated into this behaviour. It's private therapy, takes weeks rather than months and gives you all the tools you need to understand and change your thoughts and feelings.

That thing inside you OP, you've tried to smother it and box it up, but the ways you're doing that are causing you great harm.
You need to do something else with it now, fetch it out, look at it and decide how you're going to live with it, with you in control. There are lots of ways people do this with success, substituting healthy strategies, supportive relationships, self care etc. There's help out there to do that. You have nothing to lose by giving it a go.

Made me think of Elinor Oliphant is Completely Fine. A great book.

Dear OP sorry haven't read many posts on your thread. Just wanted to say please try to get help or start to cut back. My sister died at 58 from a stroke probably caused by her alcohol addiction although she was in rehab. program. She was highly intelligent, got scholarships to Cambridge but still had her strong addiction and died young. You would not want have a stroke, survive and be disabled. Wishing you all the best.

OP, there are a lot of great therapists who specialise in working with addiction. I'd really recommend you find one and start asap. An hour's therapy will cost around the same as a gram of coke and be much more beneficial.

Coke and alcohol go together like fish and chips, and ime one leads invariably to the other. I was in a similar place to you 30 years ago, but I was drinking and tooting daily, including at work. (I also have childhood trauma.) I tried groups, but they just didn't work for me, but I know many, many people who have found AA/NA incredibly helpful (one friend has just celebrated 30 years sober; she is now a counsellor and still goes to 3 or 4 meetings a week).

In the end, I realised I had to get away from everyone I knew to try and avoid temptation. I moved over an hour's drive away, to a new job in a town where I knew no-one, wouldn't be cosntantly exposed to cocaine and definitely couldn't get my hands on any without a considerable amount of hassle. It turned out that it was the coke that was the bigger problem for me, and once I'd knocked that on the head, the alcohol pretty much sorted itself out. I could enjoy a drink now and again without getting slaughtered or needing to do it every day.

Even after all these years, I still miss it though. Even typing this has made me crave the cocaine taste at the back of my throat.

I would recommend reading the memoir "Girl Walks Out Of A Bar" by Lisa Smith, as it sounds like your story is incredibly similar.

Also - don't know what Coke costs but alcohol is so expensive now - how much do you spend on all that?

Find your local AA here.

You are important and you're loved. You can and you will get better. This is the first step, posting on here. Well done, you should be proud of yourself for that.

When you're ready, click on the link and start the next bit.

Your life and wellbeing are really important, seriously. 💐

can you change jobs so you dont work with anything to do with addicts?

"tara66 · Today 11:17

Also - don't know what Coke costs but alcohol is so expensive now - how much do you spend on all that?"

To be honest, comments like the above are incredibly unhelpful. They are comments by people who have literally zero idea about addiction like this. Whether or not your observation is objectively true please do not feel a comment like the above would in any way help someone who is in OP's current position. If you don't understand it because you have been somewhere similar then please just say nothing.

do you let your friends and family down op? cancelling weekend arrangements? @oneforaorroa
can you tell them your situation

Yes, this was me a year ago. Minus the coke.

I’m 9 months sober now and the happiest I’ve been in probably all of my adult life. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. Truly, 6 months is amazing. Look at all the people who go don’t have an addiction who are struggling with Dry January. If you did 6 months, you’ve got it in you already and you know how much better life can be. You just have to make that leap and get through those initial rubbish months.

Try AA online to start if that’s your thing or I did Bee Sober, which I really recommend. To sign up for a month of support was the same as I was spending in a day on wine every day! Do see your GP for more mental health support. And consider therapy, but if your goal is to get sober, then you may need to focus on that first. Once you are sober for a bit is usually the right time for opening up that box to start to heal. You absolutely can do it and you aren’t alone. There are so many of us out here.

Wtf.

You have no clue about addiction do you? How lucky for you.

Good morning. I hope you're doing okay after last night.

There's been some horrible comments here, but that's the nature of this site. Not everyone is out to get you, some people just thrive off being pricks for no reason.

The teatotal trainer on instagram is a good listen - he has an 8 part podcast

Please go to rehab, a relative of mine almost certainly has cirrhosis after years of heavy drinking, they are seeing a liver specialist soon and it doesn't look good.

Hello. I've been there. It appears you are self medicating; and the good news is you have already identified the issue. So then you have two choices: stick with your current lifestyle (some people are perfectly happy to do this if they are not hurting anyone else) - but it does seem it doesn't make you happy. If that's the case, perhaps start by reading "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. Treatment of trauma has moved on a lot even since I did EMDR in 2011; and that was a groundbreaking treatment then. Perhaps decide to investigate some treatments further if you think they resonate: I tried ordinary/talking therapy and it did nothing for me and was fortunate enough that a therapist suggested EMDR to me which changed my life, even saved it.

Creating new neural pathways takes time but you do feel better immediately; and then it's about your psyche deciding to make better decisions for you which as I say happens over time. It will likely also give you back your self esteem over time which I suspect may be part of the issue here.

So you don't have to nuke your current life - just a session a week for maybe 5 weeks (though it takes as long as it takes, it is remarkably quick but not everyone is the same), or whichever therapy you feel is best for you. Be aware that talking therapy doesn't really touch the sides as it's about dealing with instinctive behaviour which takes place before you can apply thought, that's why it's so difficult to solve. If you could make the decision not to behave in a certain way, well, you would, wouldn't you?!

Anyway - good luck. Start with the book, and remember you're not a bad person!!!

I'll be rooting for you :)

Hope you have managed to get some sleep OP - let us know you are ok! Lots of great advice and support here x

Find a therapist! One on one so you have no risk of bumping in to anyone you know! Work through your trauma.

Find a hobby to keep your hands busy, something like knitting or cross stitch
or those mindful colouring books, fairly basic but requires concentration and time to keep you occupied.

Small steps, Rome wasn't built in a day and all that.

The book "feeling good" by David Burns and the accompanying workbook "10 days to self esteem" helped me get out of a similar situation once. I didn't realise it at the time, but doing the exercises in the book made a subtle change in my thinking and over 2-3 months I could start noticing the changes.

Making permanent changes in the way you think and behave takes time and effort, and I'd still recommend you reach out to your GP or a therapist. Hopefully the workbook will help you make an incremental change and support you till you find a good therapist.

@oneforaorroa well misses, how are things with you?

OP a good therapist is life changing. I could literally have written your post. Professional (lawyer) but with a serious alcohol and ketamine issue. I masked at work (and to others), but inside I was in constant turmoil and self destruction.

I went to a residential mental health place overseas and had previously gone to therapy in the UK. The therapist in the UK was shite, frankly. The other one was amazing. I feel happy and whole again, I didn't realise (although I was still performing at work and masking to my family and friends) how much better I would feel sober. And look better! No more alcohol bloat.

I don't want to sound dramatic but in my case at least I would probably be dead now without rehab. Please prioritise yourself and your recovery.