I have a real problem here don't I?

[oneforaorroa]

I’m a 31 year old professional woman. I function in society but I do it half arsed. The only joy I get in my life is from drinking, numbing my emotions, life is too painful otherwise.

I don’t care about much other than getting to my next drink. I white knuckle every day to get to the day I can drink. My mood improves each day closer I get.

I sit in my house alone, drink wine, smoke cigarettes and take lines of cocaine. I go to work on Monday and smile and act like everything is okay. My colleagues wouldn’t believe the way I live.

I am still managing to keep it to weekends mostly but once in a while I will plan a sick day just so I can drink the night before.

The day after I will lay in bed all day and watch depressing and morbid videos on my phone. Sometimes I want to cry as the pain inside is so intense but I literally can’t.

I’m already on fluoxetine. I’m doing my dream job (although stressful). I have a nice home, amazing friends and family so I don’t know why I feel this way, but I just do. I’m in pain every single day except when I drink. It’s crippling. I care about nothing and no one, truly.

Has anyone else been in this situation and any advice how to get the hell out?

I have been aware for a while that something has to change and on a Monday morning it’s easy to say, ‘I can’t live like this’ but come Thursday, it’s the only thing I have to look forward to.

Hi OP. You have been incredibly brave to post this and ask for advice, this really is the first step to recovery and one of the hardest.
I am a mental health nurse with experience in detox. I cannot stress enough that you will require medical help. I don’t wish this to sound scary, or lecturing or frightening. Again, you have taken the incredible first step of ownership over your life, and acknowledging what is going on. This is incredibly difficult, and is absolutely a huge first foot towards recovery. Be proud of yourself.
Now that you have done this, naturally it is going to take you a bit of time to progress toward the next step of recovery, so do not be hard on yourself for continuing as you are. I can imagine you will be feeling so many conflicting emotions at the minute.
The next step is seeking the help officially. The next stop is likely your GP. How do you feel about that? It is a really difficult thing to ask for that help. But again, you posting here has already made a huge amount of progress.

The sledgehammer is already there, whacking away. You are already fully emotionally dependent, clearly.

I've been there, only 2 years on you. I drank for mental health as well, it only makes things a million times worse.

Alcohol fuels tomorrows anxieties - please get help while you still can.

xx

How's it going OP?

If you don't feel strong enough yet to start taking practical steps then keep posting, because that was actually the first step and you did it brilliantly.

There are much more people reading than you think who have been where you are (or somewhere really similar). You are not alone.

💐 OP, alcohol is a depressant a single binge can cause low mood for days. It’s tough OP but if you did 6 months before you can do it again, and I seriously recommend seeing a counsellor, I found it very helpful for my own childhood and resolved a lot of issues for me x wish you the best

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your pain and trauma. Agree with those who suggest finding a trauma informed therapist to get started. It can be transformative, and it could be a discreet first step to stabilise you while you figure out how to tackle the addiction xx

You remind me of my mother.

she was incredibly intelligent, creative, successful. And so very beautiful. She had wonderful friends, an independent fashion business. And a lot of unprocessed trauma of a truly horrific child hood.

She didn’t get the willpower to make the necessary changes until she had destroyed already most of her life. Most of her professional success, her health and the relationship to her younger daughter. She left it so long, that a lot of it simply can’t be rebuilt. I look at her and I grieve what could have been if she had made those changes 3 years earlier. Or 5, 10, 15!years… a different life.

you’re saying that you’d have to rebuild everything if you were to go to rehab. *

I am saying that having the CHANCE to rebuild is the benefit of rehab (therapy, treatment).
Because your addiction WILL be a sledgehammer that falls in all your accomplishments and relationships if you won’t make those changes. And the longer you’ll wait, the harder it will be.

you understand that you have a problem. That’s a good first step. I hope you’ll manage to act on it. Because you are worth it. You deserve to be healthy and happy. And right now you’re your own enemy.

I wish you strength and success.

* Edit: whether rehab or other kinds of therapy and treatment would be more successful is something you and qualified professionals would have to decide.)

I second the I Am Sober app.

This makes me feel sad and I can relate. I went through a very similar period at the same age. I too think I was probably dealing with things from childhood. I’d always liked a drink but it escalated after a divorce. I was living alone in a flat and had a successful professional job. Like you people would have been surprised at the depth of my despair and drinking. I would drink and drink and drink and then lose days to depressed hangovers. I think the depression came first and I drank for a bit of relief. I am now 10 Years on and although I do still suffer from depression I don’t drink or take any drugs at all. Could you go to your gp if you don’t want to open up to anyone else and start asking for help? Be completely honest and ask for help. You can feel ok again but it doesn’t feel it when you are stuck at the bottom of a hole.

it does sound as though you are in trouble with alcohol and coke. I think you are heading for major health problems if you continue. Your GP can sign you off but not mention alcohol/drugs - they can put it as stress or depression to give you a break to get some help. Rehab is a good idea

OP, I’d take this down. That link is quite distinctive. Please speak to your work and arrange eg a month long sabbatical to sort out your health problems. Can your GP sign you offf? You don’t need to tell anyone why you’re off. I was once off work for 3 weeks after an embarrassing and painful operation and didn’t ever tell anyone what I was off for

Not sure if mentioned yet but NA do online meetings, would be worth looking if you can join with your camera off?

I was you but without the cocaine. The fact that you are now taking sick days, I guarantee you, means that the next stop will be all day drinking, even when you're in work. You'll have a drink when you wake up and you'll have drink in your bag when you go to work. There is no way out of this if you carry on.

Because of my job in my small town I also would have loved to have gone to AA but felt like it wasn't an option in case any of the people that I saw there then popped up in the specific meetings that I had within the community for my job. I hit my rock bottom, confessed it all to my friends and family and told them never to let me have a drink in front of them again. I went to a local recovery group (not to take part in a group - just to see a councillor twice) and then I white knuckled it and just gave up by myself. I just decided there was no easy way to do it, I'd just have to bite the bullet.

That was over five years ago and apart from about three small falters (that bit where you think that you can just have one or two now that you've been sober for so long but you absolutely can't) I haven't had a drink at all for over a year and I don't intend to. Believe me if I can do it you can. The path you're on now, as you know yourself, only spirals downwards.

I wish you all the best!

Sadly that would mean me taking a sledge hammer to my full life and having to rebuild it

The life you describe does not sound full: it sounds empty and hollow, and you are trying to fill the hole with drink and drugs.

Therapy and rehab. You are more than just your job / public image, which I’m guessing is your main reason for trudging on.

Congratulations OP! Congratulations for posting all of those details on here. Those raw, tough, personal details. You have taken your very first step to recovery! You are clearly a lot stronger than you think 👏
When you are ready, Step 2 is to call your GP.
This won’t be as difficult as Step 1.
please could you keep us updated? I look forward to hearing how you got on with GP and will be thinking of you.

There’s AA online.
There’s also another similar group that’s not Godly but I can’t remember its name! Pretty sure that’s both online & in person too.

It’s hard to know what to say or suggest, you are well aware of the consequences of drinking and drugs through your work, you deal with other people with the same problem you have yourself? Do you think your work could be making things worse? I used to work in mental health and it made my mental health worse at times because of my personality, I seem to mimic other peoples behaviours, almost take on their personalities and troubles as my own. If I’m around people that are depressed I feel depressed myself, in real life (away from work) I have to be careful who I hang out with because again it effects the way I’m feeling.

You need to talk about your past, possibly with a therapist. You need to set yourself small goals and gradually reduce your alcohol and drug intake, you need to find meaning in life (not easy), find good friends and find things that excite you.

It won’t be taking a sledgehammer to your life. It will be admitting what everyone else already knows and it’ll be you finally asking for help. If you’ve had this problem for years, there’s no way you’ve managed to hide it this long from friends and family.

Can you book annual leave from work, and book into rehab? Tell work and family you're going on holiday in the UK somewhere with a friend they won't ask?
I've been to rehab before and I'd recommend going in on a Friday as you'll be so spaced out with Librium you're unlikely to remember the group work which tends to just be Monday to Friday.
Also, have you tried online AA? Or AA in a different city?

If you have medical insurance via your work, you can book via them, and your work would never know

Read Alcohol Explained for the reasoning behind the 4 day thing and how it is a chemical withdrawal as well as an addiction.

Get Hypnotherapy online just say you want to stop drinking you don’t need to explain anything more than that.

EMDR for childhood trauma

Delete all your dealers numbers - not saying you won’t work it out but make it hard for yourself. The comedown from cocaine and alcohol is absolutely brutal and that’s basically your working week. It’s a half life but it’s also probably a lot more common than you think. With both substances they are designed to keep you addicted.

Go to AA or SMART and NA online with camera off take it one day at a time. You’ve made a massive start by posting this.

Read and listen to all the quit lit you are definitely not alone.

good luck with it all I’m rooting for you.

Have a look into bpd.

A massive first step in just posting this! That shows you see the problem and that's a good place to start.

I don't have much advice but I do know you can join AA online and you can do it totally anonymously at first and just switch off your camera. One of my friends was in a similar situation and that was her first step, joining an online Zoom. She's now been sober for 2 years and her life is 100% different. We were chatting about it recently and I asked what has changed and she said 'everything...my relationships, my work, my health, my sleep..' And interestingly, though this might not be the case for everyone, she's no longer taking anti depressants. As others have said, in some instances, it's the alcohol that's causing the depression. Obviously that's something that can only be decided with medical help.

An action plan for monday

Join on an AA support group
Make an appointment with GP

There is hope

Could the Cocaine be self-medication for underlying ADHD? Along with risk-taking, intense fixation on drinking and numbing things to avoid emotional dysregulation… it’s a pattern I’ve seen, although I could be miles from the mark.

Anyway… regardless of that, it’s time to take the next step. Psychiatrist and then therapy. Type it all out and take it with you to your appointment if the idea of talking about yourself makes you shudder. Ping me if you want recommendations (London).

Good luck

OP firstly lots of love and good for you for recognising this and reaching out.

My advice would be to

• not take time off work right now, it sounds like work gives you the discipline and structure to not drink and drug every day
• speak to someone in real life. Friends and family need to be there for you!
• seek therapy, trying to address your trauma will go hand in hand to getting control of this
• believe in yourself, you can do this, you deserve a happy fulfilled life
• go to AA / CA practice what you are recommending in work

There is no shame in getting well!!! X

I have friends who work with The Sinclair Method for alcohol. Not sure if it’s suitable with cocaine in the mix, but worth looking at.

https://www.sinclairmethoduk.com/what-is-the-sinclair-method/