I have a real problem here don't I?

[oneforaorroa]

I’m a 31 year old professional woman. I function in society but I do it half arsed. The only joy I get in my life is from drinking, numbing my emotions, life is too painful otherwise.

I don’t care about much other than getting to my next drink. I white knuckle every day to get to the day I can drink. My mood improves each day closer I get.

I sit in my house alone, drink wine, smoke cigarettes and take lines of cocaine. I go to work on Monday and smile and act like everything is okay. My colleagues wouldn’t believe the way I live.

I am still managing to keep it to weekends mostly but once in a while I will plan a sick day just so I can drink the night before.

The day after I will lay in bed all day and watch depressing and morbid videos on my phone. Sometimes I want to cry as the pain inside is so intense but I literally can’t.

I’m already on fluoxetine. I’m doing my dream job (although stressful). I have a nice home, amazing friends and family so I don’t know why I feel this way, but I just do. I’m in pain every single day except when I drink. It’s crippling. I care about nothing and no one, truly.

Has anyone else been in this situation and any advice how to get the hell out?

I have been aware for a while that something has to change and on a Monday morning it’s easy to say, ‘I can’t live like this’ but come Thursday, it’s the only thing I have to look forward to.

Well done for posting OP. Brave, honest and rare.

Think of this; you clearly want to be happier and think the drink and drugs will help this (or at least temporarily obliterate that which is making you unhappy). You can be but you’ll have to walk away from the booze and coke; you know they’re actually causing you extreme pain.

There is help out there and better people than me have already advised on how to access it. There’s a TONNE of quit-lit plus threads on this site & others across the internet in the meantime.

You can do this. You deserve to be happy and healthy and here.

Your reluctance to tackling your addiction is just postponing the inevitable. It's like seeing a car heading the wrong way down the motorway. The crash is coming. You do have to smash things in order to rebuild. The sooner you do it the less time you'll regret not doing it and maybe the damage to your life will be minimised.

You talk with great clarity and awareness of your situation. I can feel your longing to change but it doesn't really sound like you have accepted your situation. There is no shame in being a member of AA/NA etc. It's a mark of a survivor. Go to an online one far away first if you can't face a local one.

Step one: We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

You are nearly there. I hope you can make that next step. Good luck.

@oneforaorroa - for childhood trauma that is paining you I suggest getting therapy & going NC with the people concerned.

Only you can help yourself 🌻

The drink and drugs are going to do that anyway.

Rehab 100%

Dear OP, I hope you can find something that helps you. I am so sorry you are suffering like this. No advice from me just wanted to send you warm wishes and I hope you will be ok.

I could have written your post. I took myself to my first AA meeting on Wednesday (after thinking about it for months). It wasn't scary, the people were warm and welcoming and made me feel like I'm not a raging monster. It was reassuring to know other people try to mask their emotions in the same way I do - or because of boredom which was often why I did/do it. Your pain will not be silenced by the booze or drugs, it will be magnified. There are online meetings for AA so perhaps you could try one of those if you're anxious about being recognised, or speak to a therapist if you have the funds. It's very easy to ignore the content of books you read when you're in the moment so don't feel bad if you've read a quit-lit book and it hasn't worked for you - it isn't with you when you're making that decision to drink but you will find something that will be - a friend you can call when you get the urge to drink? Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk - I'm very happy to support.

Can you afford a psychiatrist? addiction support and trauma.
If you’ve done it once you can do it again.

I wish. Sadly that would mean me taking a sledge hammer to my full life and having to rebuild it.

You're already smashing that sledgehammer through your life with great effect OP.

If you keep swinging it, you'll continue on this path until you're broke, unemployed or dead.

Far better to swing it in the direction of sobriety even if it topples a number of walls.

And look at it this way. You've posted here. You wouldn't have done that if you didn't want to get help... baby steps, OP. Keep taking them.

Get yourself a psychotherapist who is trauma informed ASAP.

It will be life changing for you.

Do you get paid sick pay? I think it would be worth the time out to tackle this. Do you have any support networks? As others have said, either way you are taking a sledgehammer to your life.
Your body will start to fail or will suddenly do so. How do you feel about that prospect? Is that something you are maybe wanting to happen?

Yes I think so. I have been taking a lot of cocaine the past few days. And my internal voice said you better be careful and then replied well who cares, death would be welcome. So no I really don't care.

Op your body is going to fail, your liver will pack in and you will die young. Take it from me as a medical professional who recently lost a 32 year old colleague from alcoholism. Delayed getting help, worked fine until a month before his death, body started shutting down and dead in a month.
My own DH is a recovering alcoholic and gambler, really bad addiction, would be dead now if it wasn't for GA and AA, saved his life.
You are only putting off he inevitable, get to an AA meeting and take it one day at a time. You can do it.

O luv, you do need some help, you must reach out...Maybe have a look on psychology today for online counselling perhaps, if you can't face in person, just browse to start with, baby steps again. You've taken this first step and we're all behind you, please keep going.

Could you find a group outside of your local area OP to try and maintain your anonymity ? It's so difficult in these situations when you desperately need help but are worried about the conflict with your job role. And if you're worried about seeing your gp for same reasons, how about seeing a private gp for a one off and get a referral to a private psychiatrist ? I think you can avoid having things recorded on your nhs record then.

But wouldn't that mean it could be rebuilt better, stronger, and healthier? This risky behavior has been going on for a long time. It's time to get some real help, big help. Yes, that means that your current life will change but it's a change for the better, OP.

Try SMART Recovery.

Ask for help.
You need to have a way to be accountable to someone other than yourself.
And you need support.
And sounds like help in figuring out what the problem really is.

Sounds like you're either addicted maybe or depressed. Or something else. :s

I don't have experience with addiction but I think it can be a thing that tweaks with brain chemicals and you get low lows.
Have a look at adhd maybe.

Try and get yourself out the house for a walk everyday. Or other day. Eat. See people that you like and make you feel good. Try that for a week

I think you need help with stuff though. Good luck!

I think you know you’re worth saving and that’s way you posted here.
Try GP immediately as you are severely depressed then get to Smart recovery as it helps loads of people without having to label yourself etc.
Take care x

Yes, OP, it would. And maybe that’s what you need.

But take it slowly. Go to therapy, see what unfolds.

Listen to ‘The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober’.

Be brave and spend 10 minutes every day doing nothing but sitting with your thoughts. It will be hard at first, but things will shift.

You are beautiful. You are loved. You will be OK x

The point is from what you describe you aren't living a truly full life. So that delusion needs to stop. Maybe say a month off sick with some intensive therapy.

Loads of people have substance use disorder. Probably some of your colleagues. Do you want to change?

If you're already feeling low, then your internal voice can't be trusted. Can you set reminders on your phone at specific times that are triggers (mine was/is 6pm to kick open the wine when I start cooking).

You need things/people that will make you feel worthwhile, that will make you see that you have more to live for than white wine and coke. You said you have a good network - could you rely on them for support? You don't need to tell them why, but maybe take yourself to stay with them for the next couple of weekends? Wishing you all the best x

Podcasts help, hearing real people's experiences is really helpful - you are not alone.

Lockdown really did a number on a lot of people. My friend is a therapist and you wouldn't believe the number of people it has affected. She said people who rarely drank became heavy drinkers and people who often drank became alcoholics. I know I used booze as a crutch and I still do. I think your first step is to seek counselling, then you can attempt to lessen and hopefully stop your consumption.