I have a real problem here don't I?

[oneforaorroa]

I’m a 31 year old professional woman. I function in society but I do it half arsed. The only joy I get in my life is from drinking, numbing my emotions, life is too painful otherwise.

I don’t care about much other than getting to my next drink. I white knuckle every day to get to the day I can drink. My mood improves each day closer I get.

I sit in my house alone, drink wine, smoke cigarettes and take lines of cocaine. I go to work on Monday and smile and act like everything is okay. My colleagues wouldn’t believe the way I live.

I am still managing to keep it to weekends mostly but once in a while I will plan a sick day just so I can drink the night before.

The day after I will lay in bed all day and watch depressing and morbid videos on my phone. Sometimes I want to cry as the pain inside is so intense but I literally can’t.

I’m already on fluoxetine. I’m doing my dream job (although stressful). I have a nice home, amazing friends and family so I don’t know why I feel this way, but I just do. I’m in pain every single day except when I drink. It’s crippling. I care about nothing and no one, truly.

Has anyone else been in this situation and any advice how to get the hell out?

I have been aware for a while that something has to change and on a Monday morning it’s easy to say, ‘I can’t live like this’ but come Thursday, it’s the only thing I have to look forward to.

Well done for posting OP.

I have been to rehab and, although it did not happen immediately I came out, I have now been totally alcohol free for about 2 and a half years and I feel absolutely amazing.

Have the problems which made me want to numb the pain gone away? No they have not, they are as ugly and nasty as ever. But I can tell you that waking up every morning with that innocent child like fully relaxed feeling of having had some proper sleep (I think i went years and years with no proper sleep when i was drinking) is worth so so much to me.

Everyone is different OP but what I want to say to you is:

• its not your fault; alcohol is very very agressively marketed at people in the UK every.single.day. It is relentless and almost impossible to avoid seeing alcohol for sale on a day to day basis even if you wanted to avoid it. People are actively and deliberately encouraged to drink, arguably to drink to excess
• you have nothing to be ashamed of, millions of very intelligent people who are holding it together find themselves in the same situation you are in
• you are right that you need to do something about it. Having said that I repeat you have nothing to be ashamed of

For me, whilst I did AA and I personally believe in the 12 step programme, the real clincher which made me change was a different philosophy (see online Annie Grace and buy a book called "Quit Like a Woman"). This philosophy stresses at all times what you want to feel like, not what you don't want to feel like. It is not enough (in my opinion) to say to someone where you are (and where I was) "Do you like feeling rough and hungover all the time? No? then stop drinking!" You have to frame it as the irreplaceable type of feeling you get from living alcohol free. NB the Annie Grace method does not require you to quit 100% but ultimately it asks the really hard questions which seep into your subconcsious - for example "What is even one positive thing I get from drinking alcohol". If you follow it enough you reach the point where you realise that you are (or most certainly were when you started drinking) a victim of a destructive and even "evil" force which is a marketing campaign to reel in people till they get to where you are. When I realised this I got angry and that anger was the start of my changing my behaviour.

It might not work for you but it did work for me (eventually). The other thing is it is incredibly important that you have enormous amounts of self compassion. If you are to give up, the journey you will go on is not one anyone who has not gone where you are now will understand in any way. Don't tell them, their disapproval will make you drink again. Don't give them that power.

@oneforaorroa , honestly Ur really not alone! There are so many people, people U wouldn't even imagine are doing the same as you. It's so common, it just takes brave people like us to say it and be honest.xx

You said you have great family and friends. Reach out to them for support.

I hear you @oneforaorroa and I'm not in a dissimilar place. I am seeing a Wellbeing Practitioner and have an online AA group that I am putting off joining. I don't care about myself either. That's the problem. That is what we both need to address, we need to care about ourselves enough to want to make the change. I don't know how we do that. For me - it's also childhood trauma but also adult trauma from being shat upon by the people I loved the most. If anyone posting has any thoughts on this I would welcome them.

Joined mumsnet just to comment on this. I had an out of control drinking problem for a decade to the point I contemplated ending it all. Then I figured I could always end it all at a later date so why not try AA first. And now I’m 15 years sober. It’s basically free, if you find a meeting you like (they all have different vibes so try different ones) then you’ll make wonderful friends. AA not only saved my life but opened me up to a whole exciting life I would never have had with the drinking.

Get to NA and / or AA. You’ll hear people share stories similar to yours. Therapy and rehab and other things might be needed. But you can start AA this morning, online or even a few streets from your home or office, and be feeling much less alone by lunchtime. Anonymity is treated incredibly, incredibly seriously in groups. Good luck.

Yep, absolutely this.

i can relate
10 years sober, without rehab… I threw everything at it

read every book
join every website
find a group out of town
dind a therapist
look into naltrexone

life is so much better, I wish you all the luck x

There is a book called 'Sober and Staying that Way' by Susan Powter - she speaks about her experience with alcoholism and how she pulled herself out of it. She takes the view that the condition inheres in the genetic and physical make-up of an individual, running in families (it does in mine) so the emphasis is not on therapy and self-analysis but on breaking a physiological dependency and restoring your health. She advises that you use nutrition, exercise, self-care to rebuild yourself. Many of us have been there, and sobriety is possible. Your post oozes self-loathing and self-blame, but you are really very strong and capable if you're managing to hold down a career while dealing with these dependencies.

And if you are mixing cocaine and large amounts of alcohol, you really need to stop one or the other right now, it's a lethal combination.

Where in the country are you OP? You sound like you need a sponsor.

Try listening to some Gabor Mate podcasts and build up the courage to access psychotherapy. Schema therapy is a great one. It will transform your life. It sounds full on but it’s actually very simple, you will learn how to feel.

Listen to Allen Carr 'The easy way to control alcohol ' I did and I have now been sober for 3.5 years. I know it sounds crazy but I listened to it, twice for good measure and just stopped overnight (I was on 1.5-2 bottles of wine a night...every night)
I think it would knock the cocane on its head too but I'm sure he also has a book for that.
Best of luck OP!

Hi OP, I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time. FWIW I think the people that you support who have addictions would respect you so much more knowing that you have been there too and are fighting the same situation. This is the kind of professional education that money cannot buy and will only make you better at your job, once you have tackled it yourself. Good luck

Please just keep looking to turn the next corner. For me, my neighbours persuaded me to go to church and I found peace and community there - and a new way of looking at the world. Otherwise AA, hypnotherapy. Please utterly avoid those who will sell you drugs.

OP there are thousands of AA meetings on Zoom now,they started in lockdown.I have been an AA member almost 21 years,not had a drink of alcohol since my first meeting.

I am doing all my meetings on Zoom at the moment,I highly recommend them.It may give you the confidence to attend a face to face meeting.Also you can call your local helpline and someone will go with you to your first meeting.

Sending love and hugs OP. I think you are really brave and honest. ❤

I don't have any experience of this and can't offer any advice, but for inspiration/perhaps listening/watching someone who would understand, perhaps listening to Rich Roll might help. He was a top lawyer, who was also addicted to alcohol and drugs. In his 40s he became an ultra endurance athlete. I'm just wondering if anything might resonate/help. He's really gentle and easy on the ear ... He's also written a book Finding Ultra about his journey.

Rich Roll — Athlete & Author - Rich Roll

You know, they say admitting we have a problem (whatever it is) is the hardest and biggest step to changing things. You've just done that now. xx

Your life is not full. It's so far from full. In fact, you're living a half life and filling in that cracks with alcohol and drugs.

You're taking a massive step admitting it. But you can't do this on your own. Speak to your local drug and alcohol service.

When you take cocaine, does it make you feel hyper or calmer?

Fuck.

Mate.

sort this out.

big love xxx

@oneforaorroa , please please, join the addiction support thread too.xx

Honey, seek help. You know what's causing this, and need to discuss via therapy. Once cured, have a career change! Good luck.x

Annie Grace saved me - three and a half years sober and my life is transformed.

Good luck, OP. Put your own health first - the job will sort itself out. Go to a meeting/your GP/a therapist. Buy This Naked Mind and sign up to the 30 Day Challenge. Be really, really kind to yourself.

You’re worth saving. You won’t know it now, but the sober life that’s waiting for you is truly amazing and well worth living. Trust me.

Ah you poor thing. Swap the coke for benzos and I could have written this a few years ago. I'm 7 years benzo free and 4 years booze free now.

You can do outpatient rehab btw. I did and no one at work found out. Admittedly I only saw them weekly but I explained it away as counselling and it totally flew under the radar. It was an NHS one and they were absolutely fantastic. Firm but very helpful. Kept me accountable.

Not everyone gets on with AA. I didn't. There are other options. SMART recovery suited me a lot better.

Good luck OP and keep posting and telling us how you're doing.

You writing this is the first steps of the path out of this life . If you have a good job and can afford it .. try a professional therapist/sober coach .
Recovery is not linear and you will need someone with you online or in person

You say you have never felt better than when you were sober for six months.
You already know the answer to your sad existance.
Man up, go to AA. Get off the substances

You will be the same way or worse in two years.
You don't have a partner, or kids, so you are only affecting yourself.
I would advise not to find a partner, No one deserves to take on your baggage.
You need to be your own answer.

You might have had trauma but those who traumatised you can not help you live your life now. Only you can seek professional help for yourself.