I have a real problem here don't I?

[oneforaorroa]

I’m a 31 year old professional woman. I function in society but I do it half arsed. The only joy I get in my life is from drinking, numbing my emotions, life is too painful otherwise.

I don’t care about much other than getting to my next drink. I white knuckle every day to get to the day I can drink. My mood improves each day closer I get.

I sit in my house alone, drink wine, smoke cigarettes and take lines of cocaine. I go to work on Monday and smile and act like everything is okay. My colleagues wouldn’t believe the way I live.

I am still managing to keep it to weekends mostly but once in a while I will plan a sick day just so I can drink the night before.

The day after I will lay in bed all day and watch depressing and morbid videos on my phone. Sometimes I want to cry as the pain inside is so intense but I literally can’t.

I’m already on fluoxetine. I’m doing my dream job (although stressful). I have a nice home, amazing friends and family so I don’t know why I feel this way, but I just do. I’m in pain every single day except when I drink. It’s crippling. I care about nothing and no one, truly.

Has anyone else been in this situation and any advice how to get the hell out?

I have been aware for a while that something has to change and on a Monday morning it’s easy to say, ‘I can’t live like this’ but come Thursday, it’s the only thing I have to look forward to.

The post from @LastnightIDreamedofManderley is excellent advice OP.

Also, if I were your RL friend and you came and talked to me about this, I would hold you and support you in getting treatment. No judgement. I’d also want to come with you to the GP to hold your hand (and either stay in the waiting room or enter the consultation - whichever you needed).

All of this is to say, tell someone who loves you as they’ll want to be there for you.

How are you doing this morning op?

Try counselling for the trauma and ask your gp for help in giving up. Out patient rehab will probably be tried first.

Alcohol fuels depression. You are likely to develop very painful pancreatitis at some stage, it may kill you. Why wait until it gets to that?

Can't speak to the cocaine but I used to drink way too much. For years. AA wasn't something I connected with (even though I didn't know how to control my drinking I didn't want to say the wine had all the power). Then I read somewhere about coaching. I found this woman called Anna Charles. Listened to her podcast for a bit, especially episodes of her past customers talking and decided to work with her. I had to make it work money-wise but couldnt' thank myself enough now for just doing it. Best money spent. Best! God alone knows what I saved from the wine I no longer buy... As for now I drink now and then if I want (that's the great thing about Anna, she doesn't care if you want to drink less or go sober - it's all part of the same process to her). I just feel free. I vowed to tell everyone who struggles with drink about Anna because she helped me so much. Her podcast is 90 Days Later and her website is 90dayslater.co Contact her even if you're scared. She won't guilt you and she was the first person who actually listened to me.

"Reach Out online chat - Forward Trust" https://www.forwardtrust.org.uk/find-support/reach-out-online-chat/

Please speak to these people tomorrow @oneforaorroa

@oneforaorroa There are many medications so if you're not getting much out of this one, try another one and keep trying different ones until you find one that does the most for you.

Drugs and alcohol will effect your mental health negatively and can also effect the efficacy of a lot of medications.

You are self-medicating- deal with the underlying mental health problem and the drugs/alcohol won't be so important to you.

You can do it. xx

It's very destructive behaviour, but the positive here is that you recognise its destructive, you know it's not doing you any good or will lead to a good outcome.
Sounds like you're holding it together, but cracks are appearing. Just so you know, smart people around you will spot the telltale signs better than you think you're hiding them with your 9-5 act.

First things first is you need to like yourself enough to tackle the problem, you need to see yourself as worthy of a better life. And from there it's often a difficult and humbling walk back to the path you want to be on.

But until you really want to change things, it's all just words.

I think that’s what the OP wants. This reads like a cry for help, I’d think they are hoping someone will see, and recognise and help them.

OP confide in someone, you need to get on top of this before it’s too late.

Talking about it and admitting you need help and advice is a fantastic start and there’s some great advice on here OP
I hope you find a way to help you see a brighter future

Sometimes the only way is to blow your life up and start again - sorry to be depressing but I have experience of this (not alcohol related).

What a brave thread, well done OP.

Its such a cliche but the first step is admitting you have a problem.

Do you live alone?
Its very easy to do what we want when we live alone.

Are you close to anyone in RL who you could open up to and have support?

Definitely go to your GP and explain.
Take someone with you if you think it will help.

It sounds like you are depressed and are self medicating with drugs and alcohol, which are depressants and you’re in a vicious cycle.

I do not have lots of advice for you but I am wishing you all the best and I hope that you can over come this.

Do you have private health care? my partner does and turned out it would include a months stay in rehab - best thing they ever did, life changing not just for them but for their family and friends too.

'Man up' !?!? 'Man up' is an awful phrase, in any situation, for anyone.

Why you taking about relationships when the OP isn't?

And who taught you tact and compassion? Oh that's right, no one!

I suffered with depression, and was later diagnosed with bipolar. I used to drink a large amount to get by. My doctor called it self medicating, as I was using it to reduce the lows, and soften the highs. Getting diagnosed bipolar was my tipping point, and I soon afterwards went cold turkey and gave up the drink, and perhaps only have a glass of wine on very special occasions - say two glasses a year. That was 11 years or so ago. So my points are... You are probably trying to manage your depression, and the alcohol is probably making it feel better short term, but worse long term. Additionally, although difficult, it is possible to change your relationship with alcohol. I would imagine drugs would work similarly, but I can't vouch for that. GL, and be kind to yourself.

This!
I was on a ward with patients doing the Priory 28 day addiction program and it transformed their lives. The program was very full on as they had therapy all day and then attended AA meetings every evening but it worked. Please look into it OP. Sod your job, your life is more important.

See your GP, you will get sick pay. You need detox and therapy. All the best, there’s a better life for you out there you know

I didn't like AA, but have been doing these meetings lately and they're great.

https://smartrecovery.org.uk/

Good luck x

What gives you cause to suggest this?

It's unhelpful to write just that and explain why.

I really hope you can find it within yourself to turn your life around. I would start by booking sessions with a counsellor to explore your past. Whilst also cutting out the cocaine (think about the supply chain of drugs and the adults/kids who are coerced into being involved). Then try to taper down the drinking. How much on average do you tend to drink a week? Could you drop a bottle every other week? Id also book an appointment with your gp. Best of luck op. You are worth fighting for xx

You need to go into rehab. Seriously.

really bad advice! This person obviously doesn’t live in the real world and understand the aftermath of this decision -you will obviously have to tell your employers and very few would be understanding so this would impact your financials and leave you in a worse situation. Also how did rehab go for all the celebrities we know about?

my advice would be as your a functioning alcohol 1) first of all get therapy privately, do not wait for NHS it could take months. 2) Join a few meetings with AA they do online ones and they are very supportive and you can pick and choose one which best fits you. You don’t have to acknowledge the “higher power” part if you don’t want to. 3)Make plans with friends and family that don’t involve alcohol. See how this goes even before you consider rehab.

I've been in AA and sober for 10 years.

No one knew the extent of my problem before I went in and I carried on working full time throughout my recovery. It was fucking hard work but I did it. Stayed at work a bit late so I could drive straight to a meeting and not go home to temptation first. Got loads of numbers and phoned people in my lunch breaks.

Spent most of the weekend either in a meeting or meeting up and talking to other people in recovery.

If you meet someone you know in a meeting (it's happened to me just once in 10 years!) they are there for the same reason you are and will be pleased to see another newcomer taking steps to get sober! And the insight you get into addiction will make you so much better at your job in the long term.

Call the AA helpline 0800 9177 650 and they will pass your number onto a local lady who will call you back and share her story. They usually then offer to accompany you to your first couple of meetings so you don't have to go alone.

OP please get some professional help before it’s too late. It sounds as though lockdown was really hard on you. You need a good therapist to get to the root of what’s causing your drinking and to work through the issues. Start with your GP and be as honest as you have been here and you’ll get the help you need. Alcohol is a depressant and it may feel as though drinking alleviates your problems but it really doesn’t - alcohol causes depression and the physical effects on your body usually don’t present themselves until a lot of damage has been done. A close relative was drinking in secret - started around the same age as yourself - no one knew until twenty years later when she collapsed because of the toll it had taken on her body. There’s really no need for this to blow up the life you have, but you need proper help to get through it.

Hope you're ok OP.

I know you’re probably aware of this but due to the amount of alcohol you drink please do not attempt drinking cold turkey. There is a risk of withdrawal and seizures so do see your GP for a referral for a managed withdrawal. Hope you are ok and good luck

This is great advice. Our relative was drinking heavily in secret for many years until she collapsed and was admitted to hospital. She underwent controlled withdrawal as an inpatient. As you say, cold turkey is not the answer as it can make you very ill.