My DS is about to be permanently excluded- fairly urgent advice needed

[Bumblebee2324]

My DS (now 14) is about to be permanently excluded. AIBU to think this is a little OTT considering his circumstances? I have my hard hat on so feel free to be honest with me here.

My younger sister (34) took her life in a horrific and traumatic way last January 2023. She lived with us on and off for over 10 years. She was a free spirit who loved my children like her own and they adored her. She meant everything to them. She did school runs for me. Attended all important events. Was such a huge part of their lives.

My DS had a nearly perfect record until this point. Great attendance. He had the odd log for uniform infringements, lates, that sort of thing.

When his auntie died he spiralled into depression. He developed severed insomnia, panic attacks and lost all interest in just about every area of his life. His attendance dropped to just over 50%. He was there almost everyday but was just consistently late all the time because of his insomnia. He no longer cared about school, sports or anything he used to enjoy. He had always had trouble making friends, he was a bit awkward and was a bit overweight. Kids were cruel and he had never brought a friend home in all the time he was at this school. He only had friends online and never left the house, no matter how much we tried to encourage him to engage in a social life.

The school noticed a significant change in him and many meetings were had. Referrals were promised, including to CAMHS. Not only for his depression but also because he suddenly developed tics and other odd behaviours. I told his head of year in strict confidence that he has no friends. He bottles things up and doesn’t like to talk. She told him what I said anyway.

Around summertime he suddenly developed a friendship group. I was so happy! Until I found out they were two years younger than him and were apparently a group known to be trouble. The school’s words, not mine. He got into a fight which resulted in a three day exclusion, he was then excluded again for bunking a lesson and then excluded a third time for puffing on someone else’s vape which was caught on CCTV.

At this point we had been back and forth to the GP who could only prescribe antihistamines. We were told by the school that a referral had been done to CAMHS who would be able to give him melatonin.

After his last exclusion we were told he was no longer welcome at the school. Our options were a managed move or a PRU. Of course we went with the managed move to give him a fresh start at a mainstream school.

He seemed so happy. His attendance shot up to well over 90%. He missed 2 days due to D&V. His insomnia was still a problem. He was so tired all the time. His effort in class was described as ‘lethargic’. He had no interest in his school work. Depression, ADHD and ASD run in our family so his CAMHS referral was vital. I took him to the GP for the 5th time about his insomnia. She checked on the referral for us and told us there was no CAMHS referral. She called CAMHS to make sure. She did an urgent referral there and then and he has an appointment in March.

We had his 6 week managed move review last week and it was terminated. They couldn’t handle his ‘lethargic’ attitude. The other complaint was that he was wearing his coat in between lessons in the hallways. He had a few lates to lessons and the final nail in the coffin was that he was in the vicinity of a fight that he was not involved in. The school is HUGE and he was lost. Wrong place wrong time. I was told they expected 100% attendance and for him to be ‘squeaky clean’. Their words.

He was sent home with me immediately and will now be permanently excluded. Whilst the teachers said his attitude to learning was ‘lethargic’, they described him as a kind, polite and gentle boy. He is just so depressed and lost 😔 When we got home he had a severe panic attack and I had to hold him in my arms while he sobbed feeling unwanted and like a complete failure.

He doesn’t belong in a PRU. He is not that child. It will destroy him. He’s just not strong enough.

What can I do? What would you do? This doesn’t feel right. Our eldest has ADHD and ASD and life has been hell with him but he has an EHCP that protects him. He has been violent, destroyed school property, done awful things. But he is currently sitting with his bum in the butter because the LA is legally bound to do everything they can for him. My other DS does not have an EHCP. His dyslexia was not enough to apply apparently. His symptoms only escalated after the death of his beloved Auntie.

Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you.

You're welcome, although the advice I bolded and recommend was from @Angrywife

I'll add to it however with my own advice:

What's paramount first @Bumblebee2324 is to ensure that he is actually being permanently excluded. You need that in writing ASAP. If they don't do this but still say he's excluded, then it's an informal exclusion which isn't allowed and you can challenge. Read the school's exclusion policy and note the procedure.

Even if they do permanently exclude, it could still be unreasonable and not upheld (and on the face of it, it doesn't sound justified).

Also note what the school's exclusion policy says about where they may exclude for one instance of gross misconduct, and also where they exclude for various suspensions and misconduct.

Honestly? If it was me i would have pulled my son from school when he started slipping. Done some homeschool and just worked on him more rather than worry about Schooling. He was let down, he was crying out for help and all people gave a shit about was him being on time or being on the register. they didnt care about him or his feelings or his mind. School is stressful because the education system is made to put bums on seats they dont give a fk whether that completely ruins a person.

No point getting GCSE's if your too mentally unwell to ever get a decent job or go to college/university.

I would focus on my son more and Fk what the school/council say.

Oh look, it’s you again, here to make groundless accusations against a struggling parent based on nothing in particular.

You must believe that all the posters who work in schools and yet have taken the OP’s side are liars as well. After all, if they really worked in a school they would agree that schools are never at fault for anything.

Don’t bother responding. I won’t read it. Just get out before you make an even bigger fool of yourself.

I’m not making groundless accusations against the op. You’re making them about schools to which I replied.

If you don’t like other people having opinions, then please don’t make comments that all schools that PEx a student are failing. It’s simply not true.

I have been perfectly clear about the op and her son, that what they have posted shouldn’t amount to a PEx.

OP, do you have legal expenses insurance, as oart of your household insurance? If so, it may cover the cost of a solicitor advising you on your options and legal rights

I'm so sorry to hear your family has gone through so much lately and that both you and your son are still struggling.

I just wanted to contribute to say melatonin is not a great fix. My daughter (ADHD) has melatonin for her insomnia and it hasn't done a thing. Given the neuro divergence in your family I would insist on the school doing an urgent referral for a neurodevelopment assessment. Once this is accepted (whether or not he goes on to be diagnosed), the ASD outreach team can get involved and implement an IDP which would protect him. I would also submit a formal complaint to the governors to enlighten them that a suspected neurodivergent child dealing with a significant trauma is being expelled and targeted. I would meet with the headteacher and threaten legal action against the school and council for failing in their obligation to educate my child, strongly suggesting they suspend taking any action until the governors have met to discuss the serious complaint of negligence and targeted discrimination by the school. Explain everything in the letter, the trauma, the lies of a CAHMS referral, the ineptitude of not providing emotional support or neuro referral etc. It would also be worthwhile to get legal advice.

Look at alternative education methods. Read Peter Gray’s book ‘Free to Learn’. Look for democratic, self directed school settings- Google self directed and democratic learning. Look at schools like the East Kent Sudbury School. There are incredible settings out there that help change lives. It doesn’t just have to be mainstream or pru.

@Bumblebee2324 Please ask for your post to be moved to secondary education.

Just want to check timeline

Suspended for X days (suspension only)

Offered managed move

Managed move fails

If this is the right timeline then they have not permanently excluded him and he should return to his previous school, they cannot refuse and they cannot convert to a permanent exclusion.

If I'm wrong and the suspension was actually a permanent exclusion (which you would have had letters stating this as it's a statutory requirement)
then they may have sought the managed move as an alternative to PEX. If this is the case, schools are warned over and over again that the young person WILL return to them if the managed move fails.

If it was a full PEX.. there has to be a meeting calling a governors disciplinary committee which has to be convened within a statutory time frame and your son has to be offered education by the 6th day after the PEX

The meeting involves representations from the school, you and can also include your son. The governors must determine whether the decision is fair, just and proportionate.

Please contact your local authority fair access/inclusion service, they will help you understand what's actually happened. The school can't threaten a pru without following strict procedure, especially as it's not an academy. I'm assuming it's not an independent school as they don't tend to talk managed moved etc.

DO NOT deregister or home school at this point, you are effectively removing the local authorities statutory duty to provide an effective education, which if he's got severe medical problems can include 'blended learning' where they provide education but he isn't expected to attend anywhere, 1:1 tutoring, alternative provision which isn't a pru all exist, particularly if he's deemed medically unfit for school.

I hope that helps. I'm a fair access officer. We're required to be non judgemental and often help parents particularly unravel the process so that they know what happens when and schools have to abide by the DfE rules

It was me that said a permanent exclusion is a failure because it is, and I’m not saying that they shouldn’t do it. But each permanent exclusion means that a child doesn’t get to finish their education, it should mean that the school has exhausted all options and can no longer provide for that child.

In my school a permanent exclusion lead to staff cheering and the head silenced them and said “we should take no joy from the fact that we couldn’t do anymore for that child, his life chances have been significantly reduced and we are here to give life chance, it is a last resort that this has happened”
And I agree with him

I am so sorry for your family
School or local authority should arrange for teachers to visit your home to teach your son. Probably only a few hours a week but i know it has been done for pupils who are sick. Has this provision been offered? I know it is an option as I have friends who teach children at home

Tell your dh you’re on his side and you’ll navigate it together. He needs to know he’s not alone. Tell him that you need his help to be on his side and that means you need him to communicate with you. No judgement just full openness. Approach the pru as being temporary. Tell him your fears about some (not all) of the other dc. Good luck!

Tell him your fears about some (not all) of the other dc.

No, do not do this OP. At least, not right now. Well-meaning but misguided advice. It would only increase his anxiety about something that may not even be feasible.

Right now you don’t even know if he’s been actually or officially permanently excluded, let alone if he’s going to a PRU.

He does need to know you’re supporting him and he has to be honest with you. It’s worth reiterating that because if there’s anything pertinent he hasn’t said, it will come up from the school. You need to be sure you are making fair objections.

@Viamar this is an available option in some cases but isn't an automatic right, it has to be applied for. Normally local authority schools will direct to a 'PRU' after PEx but it can then be decide to convert this to tutoring etc but very much depends on individual circumstances.

@Bumblebee2324 make sure you also obtain advice on your son's route back into mainstream, whether for your local authority this means you making an in year admission application and that application being considered under the fair access protocol. PRU is considered a short term provision and PEX doesn't mean he can't go back to a different mainstream school.

But as @WriterOfWrongs has also said, please get accurate information as to whether he's actually been PEX or not as the route back is different depending on the exact circumstances

you can legally buy it here 5mg would most likely be the correct dose for his age.
https://www.biovea.com/uk/product/detail/16365/melatonin-gummies-5mg--mixed-berry---180-gummies-value-pack/?deptid=0&cid=0&mid=0&kw=melatonin

@Abbimae shame on you. Why would I lie? This is an anonymous forum, being dishonest would not do anyone any favours. Nobody here knows me or my son. What more do you want from me? His NHS records? Pictures of my sister dying in her hospital bed? Pictures of her embalmed body before her cremation? How insensitive of you. Do you want to see how terrible he was during his managed move? If so, here we go. Comments from his actual teachers. How very dare he for being so out of control that his whole life is about to be turned upside down. Note the date on these comments. This was last week.

As for everyone else, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to give me such valuable information and suggestions. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you all. Truly, this forum can be a real godsend sometimes. Thank you.

I’ve just realised that one of those pictures shows his name. I’ll ask for it to be removed.

Yes to bereavement counselling, maybe even family bereavement counselling with both your youngest son and yourself together?

CAHMS are bloody slow and ineffective. Long waits and slow trickle of reviews with little meaningful action. Can he see specialists through your DH’s work healthcare package? A private psychiatrist can prescribe melatonin or antidepressants quicker. However melatonin is not a complete solution and a big part of the solution is actually healthy routines - getting up at a set time each morning (8am?) regardless of how much sleep he has had, getting sunlight first thing, exercising daily, doing physical activities, regular meals and snacks, having a solid bedtime routine (bath, warm milk, audible stories?). If he is eating less than 500 calories a day you need an immediate referral to an nhs eating disorder clinic.

Maybe ask the original school to provide online learning through a recommended provider. If they refuse, speak to the LA and ask them to coordinate online provision or make the original school arrange online provision.

I understand the PRU would be a difficult environment. Some colleges have 14-16 provision for home educated children. Home educated children are a great lot, often quirky, interesting and bright like their parents.

Another idea is to home educate him and focus on well-being, building upon existing interests, joining niche home school social groups, exploring online learning (PM me if you’d like to know what we do). Look online for your towns Home Educating Facebook group where you can ask lots of questions about activities in your area.

@Bumblebee2324 I happened to see all your screenshots before you had one or two deleted, and nothing warranted him receiving more than a detention, if that, let alone a permanent exclusion.

The only way I could see a PEx being justifiable last week is if there was an instance of extreme behaviour where a PEx is deemed reasonable. Since you say (IIRC) this didn’t occur, it’s eyebrow-raising why they have said he has to leave. It didn’t make sense on the face of it.

I would email the school, if you haven’t already, asking for an urgent meeting or telephone call with the principal tomorrow.

Thank you @MNHQ! Here are the comments that don’t show his name.

@Bumblebee2324 X-posts. Having seen more screenshots of his behaviour log from last week, I'm even more of the belief that - without a serious incident - this 'permanent exclusion' and/or move to a PRU is unjustified and there's been some bad communication.

@WriterOfWrongs thank you. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before but on his last day at his new school he happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. There was a fight, it had nothing to do with him as confirmed by the deputy head. He stood and watched the fight instead of running to find a teacher to stop it. That was their reasoning. It happened next to the astroturf where they were meant to be having PE and more than half the PE students were there too. There was a mix up about where PE was being held that day. So unfortunately he got caught up in something that wasn’t his fault but because of their expectations of perfection from him, they terminated the managed move because he watched the fight happen. There were a large group of students watching but my son got into trouble because apparently he was “on his last legs” and should’ve called a member of staff. As I said, he was not involved in the fight at all. He was just a spectator. I couldn’t even argue it or defend him. She brought him out to the parking lot and told me to take him away with a very abrupt goodbye.

Yes it’s probably best to exhaust the LA provision first. Saying that my son was incredibly disillusioned and sad in school. The dynamics in his bog standard school were bloody awful, surprisingly harsh. Thankfully he is much much happier now with an enriching home Ed curriculum built around interests. Like other home ed children I know, he’s happy and excelling.

So many of you have suggested home Ed. I think I’m going to look into it once we know for sure what is happening with his first school. The plan was for me to go back to work this year now that my youngest is in full time school but my DS’s mental health comes first. You all gave me the strength and resources (all the amazing links!) to send an email to the school this afternoon. I included the Chair of governors too. I will let you all know what happens next.