My DS is about to be permanently excluded- fairly urgent advice needed

[Bumblebee2324]

My DS (now 14) is about to be permanently excluded. AIBU to think this is a little OTT considering his circumstances? I have my hard hat on so feel free to be honest with me here.

My younger sister (34) took her life in a horrific and traumatic way last January 2023. She lived with us on and off for over 10 years. She was a free spirit who loved my children like her own and they adored her. She meant everything to them. She did school runs for me. Attended all important events. Was such a huge part of their lives.

My DS had a nearly perfect record until this point. Great attendance. He had the odd log for uniform infringements, lates, that sort of thing.

When his auntie died he spiralled into depression. He developed severed insomnia, panic attacks and lost all interest in just about every area of his life. His attendance dropped to just over 50%. He was there almost everyday but was just consistently late all the time because of his insomnia. He no longer cared about school, sports or anything he used to enjoy. He had always had trouble making friends, he was a bit awkward and was a bit overweight. Kids were cruel and he had never brought a friend home in all the time he was at this school. He only had friends online and never left the house, no matter how much we tried to encourage him to engage in a social life.

The school noticed a significant change in him and many meetings were had. Referrals were promised, including to CAMHS. Not only for his depression but also because he suddenly developed tics and other odd behaviours. I told his head of year in strict confidence that he has no friends. He bottles things up and doesn’t like to talk. She told him what I said anyway.

Around summertime he suddenly developed a friendship group. I was so happy! Until I found out they were two years younger than him and were apparently a group known to be trouble. The school’s words, not mine. He got into a fight which resulted in a three day exclusion, he was then excluded again for bunking a lesson and then excluded a third time for puffing on someone else’s vape which was caught on CCTV.

At this point we had been back and forth to the GP who could only prescribe antihistamines. We were told by the school that a referral had been done to CAMHS who would be able to give him melatonin.

After his last exclusion we were told he was no longer welcome at the school. Our options were a managed move or a PRU. Of course we went with the managed move to give him a fresh start at a mainstream school.

He seemed so happy. His attendance shot up to well over 90%. He missed 2 days due to D&V. His insomnia was still a problem. He was so tired all the time. His effort in class was described as ‘lethargic’. He had no interest in his school work. Depression, ADHD and ASD run in our family so his CAMHS referral was vital. I took him to the GP for the 5th time about his insomnia. She checked on the referral for us and told us there was no CAMHS referral. She called CAMHS to make sure. She did an urgent referral there and then and he has an appointment in March.

We had his 6 week managed move review last week and it was terminated. They couldn’t handle his ‘lethargic’ attitude. The other complaint was that he was wearing his coat in between lessons in the hallways. He had a few lates to lessons and the final nail in the coffin was that he was in the vicinity of a fight that he was not involved in. The school is HUGE and he was lost. Wrong place wrong time. I was told they expected 100% attendance and for him to be ‘squeaky clean’. Their words.

He was sent home with me immediately and will now be permanently excluded. Whilst the teachers said his attitude to learning was ‘lethargic’, they described him as a kind, polite and gentle boy. He is just so depressed and lost 😔 When we got home he had a severe panic attack and I had to hold him in my arms while he sobbed feeling unwanted and like a complete failure.

He doesn’t belong in a PRU. He is not that child. It will destroy him. He’s just not strong enough.

What can I do? What would you do? This doesn’t feel right. Our eldest has ADHD and ASD and life has been hell with him but he has an EHCP that protects him. He has been violent, destroyed school property, done awful things. But he is currently sitting with his bum in the butter because the LA is legally bound to do everything they can for him. My other DS does not have an EHCP. His dyslexia was not enough to apply apparently. His symptoms only escalated after the death of his beloved Auntie.

Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you.

As others have said, the school may be on thin ice here. The only two grounds for permanent exclusion are:

• persistent disruptive behaviour
• one-off serious incident (e.g. possession of drugs, violent attack on another pupil or teacher).

It doesn't sound like they have actually permanently excluded him yet (they have to send you an official letter, which is followed by the governors' panel). I'd call them first thing tomorrow with a copy of the school exclusion guidance to hand and ask them to explain what they are up to.

You can appeal the permanent exclusion, I would be asking the school and cc in the LA regarding how you do this. Furthermore you can apply for other mainstream schools in the meantime. I would also recommend you speak to your LA regarding if your child is a candidate for Fair Access of you are declining the PRU placement. You should be able to find information on permanent exclusions on your LAs website along with how to apply for other mainstream schools. There should also be a copy of the fair access policy on there, if not request it from admissions.

I'd look at local colleges to see what they offer for 16 year olds, and what the entry requirements are. Then look into homeschooling and if you think it could work.
Could home tutors work? And for his social life, a hobby group to get him out and meet people?

I realise that the schools have been unfair and why you'd want to fight, and you have every right to. But in my opinion they have shown they don't care about your child so if I was a SAHM I'd consider homeschooling and building him up for a couple of years before he can apply for college at 16. Easier said than done I know.

So sorry for your loss.

As people have said, this sounds very much like an unlawful exclusion. Have the school even written to you to say what your son has been excluded for, and with full notice of your right to have the exclusion reviewed? The exclusion guidance notes that Ofsted can fail schools that use managed moves as a device to offroll pupils, which is essentially what has happened here.

If you can't get help from the Exclusion Project, try the School Inclusion Project - https://www.gardencourtchambers.co.uk/areas-of-law/education-law/school-inclusion-project-sip/sao - or the Communities Empowerment Network - http://cenlive.org/exclusions or specialist education lawyers such as Dan Rosenberg at Simpson Millar, Polly Sweeney at Rook Irwin Sweeney, or Angela Jackman at Irwin Mitchell.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/pages/category/exclusion-from-school

https://schoolexclusionproject.com/

Your son has been failed by a terrible system. None of it is fit for purpose.

I think I would make it clear that you will appeal if they permanently exclude and that you will seek or have sought legal advice. If you are being honest here there does not look to be enough for a permanent exclusion. Get the subject access request in for his records. I am a teacher and the bar for permanent exclusion is high. I may be wrong but I had always thought that you were looking at 15 days of suspensions to start with or a very serious one off incident.

So when he is excluded you will go to a pupil disciplinary committee where you should have the chance to express everything you have in this post. The reasons for his behaviour etc and the school should demonstrate how they have tried to prevent this exclusion and supported your son. If they still decide the exclusion is the right decision (they normally do). You can ask for a review of the exclusion when it comes, which is considered by an independent panel, they can't change the decision but can quash (remove from his record), recommend reconsideration, or do nothing.

At this meeting you could present evidence of all of this and state his needs are not being met. But do you want him at this school where he isn't thriving. Then you need to think about if there is a more suitable school you can look at for him that would meet his needs . Which is hard I know, keep your head up x

They can also exclude for persistent disruptive behaviour. But in the exclusion letter OP - it should be clear what he is being excluded for. If they don't follow procedure well that can also be a reason for quashing the decision. Also if there are places at other schools they can refuse him just because he has been excluded once.

Senior DSL here. Also previous Chair of Governors and sat on exclusion panels (including overturning one PX, which is very rare).

1. School cannot convert one sanction to another. Your school cannot decide that the sanction is now PX because the managed move failed.
2. School can decide to not welcome him back and insist on an Alternative Provision (AP)
3. AP is different to a PRU. PRU is where pupils who are PX'ed can go. AP providers can act as PRU, but also take pupils who can't cope in mainstream education.
4. An AP sounds ideal for your son. He can't cope with the expectations of mainstream schools.
5. I work directly with many APs and they are brilliant. Yes, they have challenging kids. But they also offer small classes, ample 121 key worker time, individualised learning.
6. I think you need to reframe what an AP (what you're thinking of as PRU) is, because many of the resources there are what wealthy parents pay lots of money for in private education. This is an amazing opportunity for your son to thrive.
7. If you don't already have an Early Help referral in place - tell school you want this. You meet threshold for high level support from children's services
8. Tough one this - but you can't keep moving all the blame to school. For example, school aren't at home to make sure your son has good sleep habits so gets up snd goes to bed at reasonable times, with monitored and limited screen times at home. Children's Services (through Early Help) can help you in establishing these types of routines and boundaries at home. No in judgement, with a view to helping him and you. Accept help and guidance, it will be in your sons best interest.
9. Get some focused bereavement support for your son, if he consents. Early Help can support in arranging referrals gir this.

10. Make sure you are well supported in your own mental health.

@bumblebee2324

I wanted to make sure you saw this post, as you were probably typing your one below when it was posted.

I have no advice of my own except if the appeal doesn't work, look at home ed, give him time and space to be at home and be close to you, exams and academic pressure can wait.

The schools response seems totally unreasonable.

My God, my heart goes out to you and your son.

My DS had a lot of problems stemming from grief, I contacted Child Bereavement Uk charity. They were amazing and we got help very quickly, I would urge you to contact them.

Please please please post this on the PANS PANDAS UK Facebook support group.

I really strongly suspect this is PANS / PANDAS.

We have two children with it and it is not rare, just not picked up properly.

I would recommend doing anything you can to get your child seen by an expert in PANS and PANDAS urgently. Just this week somebody managed to get a short notice cancellation slot with the consultant we see and started with a treatment plan.

I am so sorry. This sounds very badly done. Managed moves are only supposed to happen if the original school will take them back if the placement isnt succesful. And they are supposed to have support in place to make them succesful. I would be using any exclusion panel to outline what has been said here. There should have been a managed move agreement and that might give you some guidance of what sucess or fauilure should look like. Ive never seen 'squeeky clean' as succrss critiera! But a lot of recieving schools dont eant a pupil so will do anything not to get them on their books.

In our area the PRUs are full. They very rarely offer an in person place. They do an online programme. So you might find he doesnt actually go to a PRU if thsts the end result. You can also argue for some emotional therapies like equine.

If he is 14 can you homeschool him via online learning , interhigh or similar and then look at colleges post 16?

No advice but you sound like an amazing Mum and I really hope you and your DS get the support he needs

Just to say you can go to college at 14.

BUT OP I don't think that would be the solution here.

For a lot of individuals it is fit for purpose.

Whilst I totally sympathise with the Op, this whole situation is not necessarily the school’s responsibility - it’s the parents. It’s not the school’s responsibility to ensure their child is going to bed at appropriate times, to take them to the doctors when they are ill, to provide grief counselling. As mum has already said, she has struggled massively since losing her sister and they haven’t provided the attention to the younger child.

School is there to provide an education, parents are there to parent their children. Unfortunately (and I’m not saying this is the case on this thread), too many parents think schools are there to parent their children thus absolving themselves of responsibility.

Additionally, the school only need to provide work for the first 5 days of a potential PEx.

I still think there’s more to this as it looks like a PEx for continuous disruptive behaviour.

Sorry to hear this OP.

Tbh, if my school excluded kids like your son we would have no kids left!

Definitely sounds like they've played fast and loose with procedures.

Not responding to a SAR is another red flag. What are they busy deleting... I think you need to escalate to the governor responsible for Safeguarding. Should be on the website.

Re the behaviour log -- ours all goes on a system that parents have access to. That's pretty normal I think.

Could you afford an online school? I know someone who uses one for her daughter and it’s great for her

Yes, schools are there to provide an education, not to deny grieving children an education for crimes like being “lethargic” or taking their jackets off in the hall.

Never mind CAMHS (you'll get waiting an eternity), get yourself on to a local Suicide Support charity and they will off specialist bereavement counselling. He does not need generic counseling, it needs to be specialist. Go online now. They'll see him this week.

You haven't read the DfE exclusions guidance, have you?