My DS is about to be permanently excluded- fairly urgent advice needed

[Bumblebee2324]

My DS (now 14) is about to be permanently excluded. AIBU to think this is a little OTT considering his circumstances? I have my hard hat on so feel free to be honest with me here.

My younger sister (34) took her life in a horrific and traumatic way last January 2023. She lived with us on and off for over 10 years. She was a free spirit who loved my children like her own and they adored her. She meant everything to them. She did school runs for me. Attended all important events. Was such a huge part of their lives.

My DS had a nearly perfect record until this point. Great attendance. He had the odd log for uniform infringements, lates, that sort of thing.

When his auntie died he spiralled into depression. He developed severed insomnia, panic attacks and lost all interest in just about every area of his life. His attendance dropped to just over 50%. He was there almost everyday but was just consistently late all the time because of his insomnia. He no longer cared about school, sports or anything he used to enjoy. He had always had trouble making friends, he was a bit awkward and was a bit overweight. Kids were cruel and he had never brought a friend home in all the time he was at this school. He only had friends online and never left the house, no matter how much we tried to encourage him to engage in a social life.

The school noticed a significant change in him and many meetings were had. Referrals were promised, including to CAMHS. Not only for his depression but also because he suddenly developed tics and other odd behaviours. I told his head of year in strict confidence that he has no friends. He bottles things up and doesn’t like to talk. She told him what I said anyway.

Around summertime he suddenly developed a friendship group. I was so happy! Until I found out they were two years younger than him and were apparently a group known to be trouble. The school’s words, not mine. He got into a fight which resulted in a three day exclusion, he was then excluded again for bunking a lesson and then excluded a third time for puffing on someone else’s vape which was caught on CCTV.

At this point we had been back and forth to the GP who could only prescribe antihistamines. We were told by the school that a referral had been done to CAMHS who would be able to give him melatonin.

After his last exclusion we were told he was no longer welcome at the school. Our options were a managed move or a PRU. Of course we went with the managed move to give him a fresh start at a mainstream school.

He seemed so happy. His attendance shot up to well over 90%. He missed 2 days due to D&V. His insomnia was still a problem. He was so tired all the time. His effort in class was described as ‘lethargic’. He had no interest in his school work. Depression, ADHD and ASD run in our family so his CAMHS referral was vital. I took him to the GP for the 5th time about his insomnia. She checked on the referral for us and told us there was no CAMHS referral. She called CAMHS to make sure. She did an urgent referral there and then and he has an appointment in March.

We had his 6 week managed move review last week and it was terminated. They couldn’t handle his ‘lethargic’ attitude. The other complaint was that he was wearing his coat in between lessons in the hallways. He had a few lates to lessons and the final nail in the coffin was that he was in the vicinity of a fight that he was not involved in. The school is HUGE and he was lost. Wrong place wrong time. I was told they expected 100% attendance and for him to be ‘squeaky clean’. Their words.

He was sent home with me immediately and will now be permanently excluded. Whilst the teachers said his attitude to learning was ‘lethargic’, they described him as a kind, polite and gentle boy. He is just so depressed and lost 😔 When we got home he had a severe panic attack and I had to hold him in my arms while he sobbed feeling unwanted and like a complete failure.

He doesn’t belong in a PRU. He is not that child. It will destroy him. He’s just not strong enough.

What can I do? What would you do? This doesn’t feel right. Our eldest has ADHD and ASD and life has been hell with him but he has an EHCP that protects him. He has been violent, destroyed school property, done awful things. But he is currently sitting with his bum in the butter because the LA is legally bound to do everything they can for him. My other DS does not have an EHCP. His dyslexia was not enough to apply apparently. His symptoms only escalated after the death of his beloved Auntie.

Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you.

Have school explained the process for permanent exclusion to you? Ultimately, it is not school's decision but the governors. You'll be invited to a meeting, and during this will have a chance to speak about your current circumstances and put forward a case for your DS to remain on roll. School will need to evidence all the supportive measures they have put in place for him, and you can argue whether they have done enough or not for him. School will need to prove they have made reasonable adjustments and how/why these have failed. He will need to have a significant number of fixed term exclusions and behaviour issues such as posing a risk to other pupils and staff. Poor attendance is not a reason to permanently exclude.

I would advice contacting your Fair Access team and Early Help Services too who may be able to offer you support, guidance and assistance.

Well he needs some grief counselling so contact Winston’s Wish or Child Bereavement Uk immediately.

I think you can ask for an independent review of an exclusion order from your trust can’t you?

I think to get the outcome you want you will need to have a clear plan for improvement. Have you asked the GP for an ADHD assessment as well? Could you homeschool short term?

Blinking ‘eck. My heart is aching for your darling boy.

I think that exams and stuff can happen at any time. Your priority is his physical and mental health. Of course he doesn’t give a shit. He’s grieving and knackered.

Consider the home educating community if you can. Also access high quality trauma therapy. You will almost certainly need to pay for it. Sell your jewellery if necessary, to pay for it.

Encourage him to shower everyday and get his face in the sun. Tempt him with healthy food.

Look after yourself as well.

I agree with this too. Especially taking 6 months out to slow things down and focus on his mental health.

It sounds like prior to this at 13 he already had no friends?

Seeing as your other dc has asd and adhd it seems pretty likely?

You dont need diagnosis for ehcp
But also obviously the trauma. Some asd kids are already depressed so if someone did commit suidpcide around them that would really affect them. Zz(my 11yo expresses suicidal thoughts)

But personally i would go home ed. Hes probably only got 18m to gcses then he can get rid of most subjects which may help if asd?

It does seem harsh in school 2. I would have given another probation period.

Re the insomnia though he still needs to get up. Think of all the parents getting an hour or 2 of sleep.

I find magnesium or b6 help.
Antihistamines may make him dozy in the daytime.

It insenses me we cant buy melatonin here. Or gps prescribe even.
How much better would the behaviour of all the kods on nhs waitlists be if they slept better.

I'd homeschool him personally. Let him unschool for a while as he decompresses and then get him into a structured programme. Poor kid, he's been failed at every turn.

The teachers at a PRU might be supportive and lovely- but the kids are probably what they mean by “ Eating him alive”.

@Bumblebee2324 It sounds desperately sad about your Sister’s suicide- Your poor son.
I understand how frightened you must be for him.
Suicide has such terrible impacts on families and children, the ripples spread out and can affect people for years.

I’m shocked the school is being so unsupportive.

I really hope your son finds a school place where he can be happier.

This is the best advice you can be given. If you received an exclusion letter have a look at it and see what the process for appealing the exclusion is. If not, call the school and ask for the letter. Then call your local fair access/inclusion team and tell them you need someone to come and support you at an appeals panel. In my experience most exclusions that are appealed with a local authority representative get overturned.

Thank you all so much for your replies and for being kind. We have paid for counselling and he has had two lots of 6 week sessions with charities. It hasn’t helped. We have finally been referred to jigsaw which work with the school and us as a family. I feel so much guilt because my sister was my world so I have not been the mother I used to be for him. In the last year I have also had CBT, bereavement counselling and am nearly finished a 16 week course of EMDR. My sister died in my arms. My trauma has no doubt had an effect on my children and I blame myself for that. We came from a very traumatic background. My sister had BPD. Between trying to save her life and trying to help my eldest I know I neglected my other children. There is only so much I can give while being so broken myself. Not that this is relevant but I’m a SAHM. My DH earns enough to give us that privilege. I’ve attended every meeting. Every doctor’s appointment. Done everything I can while also dealing with my own broken heart. My kids are well provided for. They come from a good loving home. This is all my fault, isn’t it? I’m so broken and devastated. I just want my sister back. I want my happy DS back. This hurts so much.

From what you've described, permanent exclusion seems harsh, unfair and unnecessary to me. But, as other posters have said, he's clearly not coping where he is, so something needs to change. What does he want to happen? Are there other PRUs you could look at or is there no choice?

Possibly he could go to a PRU temporarily, and go back into mainstream for sixth form? I read an article recently where a boy did that. It's a somewhat extreme example as he ended up at Cambridge Uni, but gives a different perspective on PRUs... https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cambridgeshire-67124263.amp

Just reading your post again - was he actually officially permanently excluded from the first school or did they just give you a managed move/PRU as your options? If they didn’t officially permanently exclude him, or if they told you that if you didn’t follow the managed move he would be permanently excluded, this is off rolling and very much illegal.

I don’t know if it’s possible but I would find a child psychiatrist who works privately and go from there. Your poor little boy. He would benefit from some counselling and maybe some anti depressants and something to help him sleep. You can start the EHCP process yourself - he could quality under SEMH. Then he would be supported by his caseworker to find the right placement for him. I’m not sure what part of London you are in but there are schools that specialise in supporting children like your little boy and do so very well.

Make sure you read up on all information available to ensure they are following the process to the letter.

Guide for parents

Statutory guidance

If you are worried about him losing a place in education there is a process in place called Fair Access Protocols

Sorry I'm no help re the school issue, but I can't understand why the GP won't prescribe melatonin - mine has been prescribing for my 7yo while we wait for an ADHD assessment, no problem. It might be worth pushing for it again?

@Madethewoolworthcountershine that’s exactly what they have done. They just gave us a managed move or PRU as options. They said if the managed move fails he will automatically be permanently excluded.

No help but just best of luck to you all, sounds so tough x

Op, just wanted to say I’m so sorry, what a heartbreaking time for you. Counselling sessions for 6 weeks aren’t going to be enough. Due to underfunding, these are often suggested, but your ds likely needs much much longer to process everything and build a relationship and routine with a therapist or counsellor and feel comfortable enough to talk to them. Please know you can get through this. Look at different PRUs, have a look at all your other options and keep aiming for that CAMHS assessment. Can I also suggest looking at therapeutic parenting? Some of the techniques might help you help him start to work things out in his mind too. PACE can also be helpful (Dan Hughes). It’s essentially about meeting the child where they are and trying to get them to make vital connections between the trauma they experienced and their own emotional responses. It’s not a replacement for therapy - you’re still very much mum, but it’s a toolkit for parents to support them in help their children start working through things in their mind.

Hello. I work with exclusion panels. Please DM me if you need support as happy to help.

Please also contact the School Exclusion Project, who are wonderful
https://schoolexclusionproject.com/

@Sundayrain I’ve begged FIVE times. They’ve said it has to be prescribed by a consultant. I’m so confused, this is something you used to be able to buy at Holland and Barrett or amazon. Apparently GPs are not allowed to prescribe it now. It has to be a specialist like a paediatrician or psychiatrist.

Hi OP, teacher here.

An exclusion for bunking seems OTT; not shocked by the vape exclusion…massive issue in schools (and terrible for health). I’d say the fight is also normal.
My question is other than the managed move what have the school done to support him?
Do they have counselling in school? Reduced hours while he adjusts to what has happened?

Regarding the managed move being cancelled, it can take one tiny thing with the wrong member of staff and they can be gone.

I can’t imagine how worried you are about him.

OP, sorry to be banging a drum but in my experience, you need £120 a session, Dr of psychology/psychotherapy to deal with big stuff like this.

You mention EMDR. That’s one of the big boys in the trauma therapy world. Did it help you?

@KyleWalkersLibido thank you so SO much. Will have a good read now. Thank you

I am just wondering whether the change in behaviour is purely down to the death of your sister? It may have correlated with the time scales, but 14ish can be the time when the early phases (called a prodromal phase) of other mental health conditions can emerge. Could the tiks be an indication of something else? I am just wondering how much of this is mental health related and how much could also have an underlying physical cause. I appreciate that the two are intertwined, but has he been checked out thoroughly by a Dr and had blood tests too etc.

Please don’t send him to a PRU. Ask the school to consider an alternative provision (it won’t be easy as the school has to pay thousands for it!).
if they don’t agree, get all the evidence together and appeal the permenant exclusion

This is absolutely not your fault - please don't allow that belief to take hold. It's really not true.

You could be the best mother in the world, and your son would still be traumatised and grieving. That's natural and it's an indictment of the current culture in secondary schools that he wasn't given the support, time and space to continue in mainstream while grieving. Lots and lots of decent, good-hearted kids with additional needs, MH conditions, trauma and support needs are being chewed up and spat out by schools at the moment. It's not your failure and it's not your son's either.

He sounds burnt out to me. I would just deregister him and keep him at home - let him have a good long holiday with no pressure, lots of love and nurture, lots of opportunity to talk if he wants to. Then when he's feeling a bit stronger, he can learn independently with your support - there are fabulous resources online now to support independent learning. So what if it takes him a bit longer; his health is what matters. I think both of you need to get off this crazy treadmill of punishments and threats and criticisms and just breathe for a while.