My DS is about to be permanently excluded- fairly urgent advice needed

[Bumblebee2324]

My DS (now 14) is about to be permanently excluded. AIBU to think this is a little OTT considering his circumstances? I have my hard hat on so feel free to be honest with me here.

My younger sister (34) took her life in a horrific and traumatic way last January 2023. She lived with us on and off for over 10 years. She was a free spirit who loved my children like her own and they adored her. She meant everything to them. She did school runs for me. Attended all important events. Was such a huge part of their lives.

My DS had a nearly perfect record until this point. Great attendance. He had the odd log for uniform infringements, lates, that sort of thing.

When his auntie died he spiralled into depression. He developed severed insomnia, panic attacks and lost all interest in just about every area of his life. His attendance dropped to just over 50%. He was there almost everyday but was just consistently late all the time because of his insomnia. He no longer cared about school, sports or anything he used to enjoy. He had always had trouble making friends, he was a bit awkward and was a bit overweight. Kids were cruel and he had never brought a friend home in all the time he was at this school. He only had friends online and never left the house, no matter how much we tried to encourage him to engage in a social life.

The school noticed a significant change in him and many meetings were had. Referrals were promised, including to CAMHS. Not only for his depression but also because he suddenly developed tics and other odd behaviours. I told his head of year in strict confidence that he has no friends. He bottles things up and doesn’t like to talk. She told him what I said anyway.

Around summertime he suddenly developed a friendship group. I was so happy! Until I found out they were two years younger than him and were apparently a group known to be trouble. The school’s words, not mine. He got into a fight which resulted in a three day exclusion, he was then excluded again for bunking a lesson and then excluded a third time for puffing on someone else’s vape which was caught on CCTV.

At this point we had been back and forth to the GP who could only prescribe antihistamines. We were told by the school that a referral had been done to CAMHS who would be able to give him melatonin.

After his last exclusion we were told he was no longer welcome at the school. Our options were a managed move or a PRU. Of course we went with the managed move to give him a fresh start at a mainstream school.

He seemed so happy. His attendance shot up to well over 90%. He missed 2 days due to D&V. His insomnia was still a problem. He was so tired all the time. His effort in class was described as ‘lethargic’. He had no interest in his school work. Depression, ADHD and ASD run in our family so his CAMHS referral was vital. I took him to the GP for the 5th time about his insomnia. She checked on the referral for us and told us there was no CAMHS referral. She called CAMHS to make sure. She did an urgent referral there and then and he has an appointment in March.

We had his 6 week managed move review last week and it was terminated. They couldn’t handle his ‘lethargic’ attitude. The other complaint was that he was wearing his coat in between lessons in the hallways. He had a few lates to lessons and the final nail in the coffin was that he was in the vicinity of a fight that he was not involved in. The school is HUGE and he was lost. Wrong place wrong time. I was told they expected 100% attendance and for him to be ‘squeaky clean’. Their words.

He was sent home with me immediately and will now be permanently excluded. Whilst the teachers said his attitude to learning was ‘lethargic’, they described him as a kind, polite and gentle boy. He is just so depressed and lost 😔 When we got home he had a severe panic attack and I had to hold him in my arms while he sobbed feeling unwanted and like a complete failure.

He doesn’t belong in a PRU. He is not that child. It will destroy him. He’s just not strong enough.

What can I do? What would you do? This doesn’t feel right. Our eldest has ADHD and ASD and life has been hell with him but he has an EHCP that protects him. He has been violent, destroyed school property, done awful things. But he is currently sitting with his bum in the butter because the LA is legally bound to do everything they can for him. My other DS does not have an EHCP. His dyslexia was not enough to apply apparently. His symptoms only escalated after the death of his beloved Auntie.

Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you.

Op, I totally feel for you in this situation but there is something nagging me. Have there been any other incidences at his school to warrant a PEx? What you’ve described is not worthy, imo, of one. Even a managed move doesn’t seem justified. Just feel there may be some more information missing.

Poor attendance won’t get a child PEx. Is he disruptive to other children’s learning?

With regards to a managed move, the receiving school terminate at any point up to a designated period (normally 6 weeks but can be longer) as child is dual registered.

@Isitovernow123 What I mentioned were the big incidents. Other than that it was just being late for lessons and for not being interested in his learning. Also not completing homework in time. That is honestly it. I am as confused as you are. I even asked for a copy of his behaviour log so I could take a good look at what has been happening. I was told I have to do an official subject access request, which I found odd. My eldest has ADHD and I was given his logs without even asking. I did the subject access request at the end of November and the school didn’t even respond to me.

As far as I know, he is not disruptive. That’s never been something that has been brought up.

Ex HEAD of year here. I don't understand how they can permanently exclude based on 3 incidents that don't involved drugs or weapons. Was the fight particularly violent eg stamping on heads? I think you should seek legal advice as I'm not sure your son's original school are acting within legal guidelines. At previous schools Ive worked in (state schools) the amount of evidence I've had to compile to support a permanent exclusion has been absolutely huge. Also telling you 'he's no longer welcome' and you to choose a managed move or a PRU sounds odd also. Yes, schools will often try managed moves as the next rung of the ladder before PEX once issues escalate to a certain point but the phrasing sounds weird and is is giving me exclusion by back door vibes which is illegal. Were they hoping you would just withdraw him from their school then and there I wonder? There are so many mitigating circumstances to your son's behaviour- he is a grieving and traumatised child- what have they done to support him with his grief and insomnia? He is also potentially ASD/ADHD - that is definitely something to explore although with waiting lists so long not a quick fix. If you decide to pay for private assessment ensure the company you use have their diagnosis recognised by NHS and local authorities. Some don't.

here’s my advice:

1. NOW for an Ehcp. The very fact that his placement has broken down and he already has a specific learning difficulty will be legally enough to get you over the legal test. Some LAs reject the first application just to see if you have the minerals to fight them but my god, this child absolutely “has or may have a special educational need which may require provision in the form of an education health and care plan.” (This is the legal test for securing an assessment.)

2. if you can afford to do it, get him assessed by an educational psychologist. This will help inform the EHCP and will also help pin down what else is going on.

3. melatonin. Just buy it. Look up Biovea.com, they supply it.

4. get your gp to refer him for assessment for ADHD and ASD. He may well present differently to his sibling but that’s not to say he doesn’t have some sort of neuro divergence going on.

Hang in there. X

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all this and I'm really sorry about your late sister 💐

I realise lethargy can be caused by depression but wondered if ds had had a general health check by the doctor including checks for low thyroid hormones.

I hope things work out for you.

@Angrywife we were told at the 6 week review which was attended by deputy heads from both schools, that if his managed move is terminated he is immediately permanently excluded from his original school, he will never go back. Can they not do that? This happened on Friday and I’ve had no contact from his original school since. I don’t even know where he is supposed to be tomorrow morning.

People with mental health issues also get referred to hospital school. Keep everything in writing, OP, with schools and other agencies. Some of the hospital schools are fab.

I dont know if its veen mentioned but please contact your local

SEDIASS. They will be able to advise about provision in local area and process. They can also support parents facing exclusions etc.

I dont know enough about how anyone gets into "alternate provision" but locally they aren't full time but they do offer trauma informed help.

Also look at ipseas website . Lots about exclusion and you can have a free 30min chat about legal issues if you want.

The "not fine in school" website is wonderfully supportive too and Dr naomi Fisher writes a lot about ebsa and why the child shouldn't be punished/threatened etc.

Finally I am so so sorry about your sister.
I cant imagine what you're all going through. That your son knows you have his back and want to make school /life more manageable for him will be so valuable.

Yeah also would say this is the local authority’s duty to sort a place. They can send out tutors to your home.

@Madeupballs and @Changingnameagain thank you for the excellent advice. I think the original school knows they’ve screwed up because I had a few minutes with the deputy head from his first school before our meeting and told her his EP assessment and CAMHS referrals were not done. Her eyes went huge and she immediately excused herself to make a quick call. Later that afternoon I received an email asking for permission for an EP assessment which I already agreed to MONTHS ago.

This is the kind of place that could work . It is alternative provision but very therapeutic and works with tbe family. Not the same as a PRU. Your son is the top end of the age range but there might be something similar near you. https://www.thefamilyschoollondon.org/

This is the email I received on Friday and my reply yesterday. I’m done playing games now. You have all given me the strength to fight this. Thank you.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m thinking home schooling might be best for the immediate short term solution. There’s also tuition you can get in group settings for maths and English. They provide access to the work at home too. Explore Learning. There’s a centre in Westfield if you’re anywhere near. Also with the PRU do you get a choice of which one he can go to? It sounds like you know of one and don’t feel it’s suitable. Are there others you could visit?
phenergan is an otc medication that is used for insomnia but of course check with your sons gp first.
good luck and I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. You’ll get through this period and come out stronger but it will take time.

Definitely fight this. If they have sat on an EP referral for months and not explored that avenue then no governor or trustee in their right mind would sign off that PEX because such a high chance of pushback and possibly legal action by family (quite rightly too). I'm aware there are support groups online on Facebook for families in similar situations to this- however I don't know their names. Maybe some googling might prove fruitful and you could tap into these communities for further advice and support from those further down this road than you are? Wishing you and your son all the very best - I hope the school does the right thing and fulfills their statutory obligations. Every child has a right to access an education in a state school if they so wish.

I think you need to make a complaint to the (presumably) academy trust and board of governors. Its sounds like your DS is being very harshly treated and school are not working with you both to find a solution and appropriate support for him. They do not appear to be promoting his best interests at this time.

You also need to get in touch with your local Fair Access team who can support you to fight school on their intention to permanently exclude. They also work to find alternative school placements when needed. Every Local Authority has this team, potentially called something different where you are so you might have to do a bit of digging to find them if you haven't already.

Children are legal entitled to 25 hours of taught education per week, so school will have to provide an alternative for him if they refuse him to be on school premises from Monday. The permanent exclusion process can take several weeks and so that will need to provide some form of education throughout this. School can refuse to have him on back on Monday but this would need to be formally done by way of another fixed term exclusion otherwise it is known as a grey exclusion which will have ramifications for school. You could add this to a complaint if you decide to go down that route.

Based on what you have said they cannot permanently excluded him just like that.
There is an appeals procedure - where you will be in front of the school governor.
At that hearing you ask clearly - I have informed you of x, y and z about my son, what reasonable steps did you take to support him?
Go through the previous school steps you took, mention the positive progress he made at this school, CAMHS appointment in March.
If you have time make an appointment to see the Head at the first school. Ask to see the CAMHS referral paperwork. They need to take some responsibility for the fact that a boy who had no issues previously until a tragic personal event needed a support plan and they were unable to meet their duty of care towards him.
Wishing you all the very best.

the problems started when he hit puberty, I thi k the aunt's death was coincidental.
What have you done to rectify his insomnia? If that came under control it would help with his lethargy.what form does this lethargy take- it seems unlikely to be the cause v of exclusion if it isn't affecting anyone else??

Also just noticed you said you made a SAR to access his behaviour log (ridiculous they said you needed to do it that way tbh) and you made a request in November. ICO guidelines say they should give a response to your request within a month unless you request is especially complex. I wouldn't say someone clicking print on Sims or Iris or Arbor and then redacting any names of other students or staff is a job that would take longer than a month. My department have just been involved in a SAR that requested any log or internal communication that contained a particular student's name! So all staff working with that child have had.to trawl their inboxes and sent items etc. And we got back to parents within the month. We are a large state secondary.

I wouldn’t home educate at the moment as you are in a stronger position in the system about getting suitable support for him. This could be a package of different provisions or alternative provision. These aren’t PRUs but most schools have links with them in order to keep students on role. So you might have a student attending alternative provision but still on role, some do a combination of a couple of days in alternative provision and some shorter days in school.

Permanent exclusion should be the absolute last resort and the school should have exhausted every avenue. It really doesn’t sound like it here. You could start a formal complaint that they didn’t make the referrals that were promised months ago and left your DS in this situation.

OP you may have already been told or asked this but has your DC had a 12 week supported transfer? Have you had governor panels meetings such as first panel/final panel (there is also Deputy Head meetings before) if not and they try for a PEX you can challenge it as the support/process has not been followed and I would look at getting an advocate to support you.

also does the school not have a way to show positives and negatives (class charts/synergy) as this would normally allow you to see every incident.

Honestly the school look like they haven’t followed the standard procedures. Make sure you have everything logged, log that you’ve asked but they’ve said no, log that you haven’t had any meetings (if this is the case). You’ll be able to get the PEX overturned because they haven’t done everything they need to

I just wanted to echo this OP, what a crappy hand you’ve all been dealt x

Exclusion days for vaping?!?! If my school did that it would be wonderful!! That's really harsh! I guess being such a big school then have to take a zero tolerance stand.

Are there any smaller secondary schools in your area that would take him? I have taught many kids similar to your son and they made it all the way to Y11 and passed some GCSEs.

My school also works with a PRU and your son doesn't sound anything like the pupils we send there!

My son was excluded and ended up at a pru. He struggled to cope there at first

However it was the making of him. They nurtured his intrest in cars and sent him on practical training.

He is now 23, a qualified mechanic earning £35k and about to buy a house. It really was the turning point for him

Many PRUs now run what is essentially a 6 week programme and then aim to return to mainstream.

There are so many kids being excluded that it is actually hard for schools to get places at a PRU and many schools now run what is effectively a mini-PRU themselves.

In similar circumstances at my school we have offered home tutoring while keenly my the student on-roll, partial timetables etc.

I suspect your school are trying to play hardball to get your son to behave. Do not agree to home Ed him. They need to document an awful lot of suspensions, support etc before permanent exclusion and even then either the school or the local authority need to find him a place somewhere.

Also you can buy melatonin online.

Technically it is illegal.