My DS is about to be permanently excluded- fairly urgent advice needed

[Bumblebee2324]

My DS (now 14) is about to be permanently excluded. AIBU to think this is a little OTT considering his circumstances? I have my hard hat on so feel free to be honest with me here.

My younger sister (34) took her life in a horrific and traumatic way last January 2023. She lived with us on and off for over 10 years. She was a free spirit who loved my children like her own and they adored her. She meant everything to them. She did school runs for me. Attended all important events. Was such a huge part of their lives.

My DS had a nearly perfect record until this point. Great attendance. He had the odd log for uniform infringements, lates, that sort of thing.

When his auntie died he spiralled into depression. He developed severed insomnia, panic attacks and lost all interest in just about every area of his life. His attendance dropped to just over 50%. He was there almost everyday but was just consistently late all the time because of his insomnia. He no longer cared about school, sports or anything he used to enjoy. He had always had trouble making friends, he was a bit awkward and was a bit overweight. Kids were cruel and he had never brought a friend home in all the time he was at this school. He only had friends online and never left the house, no matter how much we tried to encourage him to engage in a social life.

The school noticed a significant change in him and many meetings were had. Referrals were promised, including to CAMHS. Not only for his depression but also because he suddenly developed tics and other odd behaviours. I told his head of year in strict confidence that he has no friends. He bottles things up and doesn’t like to talk. She told him what I said anyway.

Around summertime he suddenly developed a friendship group. I was so happy! Until I found out they were two years younger than him and were apparently a group known to be trouble. The school’s words, not mine. He got into a fight which resulted in a three day exclusion, he was then excluded again for bunking a lesson and then excluded a third time for puffing on someone else’s vape which was caught on CCTV.

At this point we had been back and forth to the GP who could only prescribe antihistamines. We were told by the school that a referral had been done to CAMHS who would be able to give him melatonin.

After his last exclusion we were told he was no longer welcome at the school. Our options were a managed move or a PRU. Of course we went with the managed move to give him a fresh start at a mainstream school.

He seemed so happy. His attendance shot up to well over 90%. He missed 2 days due to D&V. His insomnia was still a problem. He was so tired all the time. His effort in class was described as ‘lethargic’. He had no interest in his school work. Depression, ADHD and ASD run in our family so his CAMHS referral was vital. I took him to the GP for the 5th time about his insomnia. She checked on the referral for us and told us there was no CAMHS referral. She called CAMHS to make sure. She did an urgent referral there and then and he has an appointment in March.

We had his 6 week managed move review last week and it was terminated. They couldn’t handle his ‘lethargic’ attitude. The other complaint was that he was wearing his coat in between lessons in the hallways. He had a few lates to lessons and the final nail in the coffin was that he was in the vicinity of a fight that he was not involved in. The school is HUGE and he was lost. Wrong place wrong time. I was told they expected 100% attendance and for him to be ‘squeaky clean’. Their words.

He was sent home with me immediately and will now be permanently excluded. Whilst the teachers said his attitude to learning was ‘lethargic’, they described him as a kind, polite and gentle boy. He is just so depressed and lost 😔 When we got home he had a severe panic attack and I had to hold him in my arms while he sobbed feeling unwanted and like a complete failure.

He doesn’t belong in a PRU. He is not that child. It will destroy him. He’s just not strong enough.

What can I do? What would you do? This doesn’t feel right. Our eldest has ADHD and ASD and life has been hell with him but he has an EHCP that protects him. He has been violent, destroyed school property, done awful things. But he is currently sitting with his bum in the butter because the LA is legally bound to do everything they can for him. My other DS does not have an EHCP. His dyslexia was not enough to apply apparently. His symptoms only escalated after the death of his beloved Auntie.

Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you.

Maybe join some homeschooling groups on Facebook. London will have a lot of resources. It might be a blessing in disguise. Also I hope he gets to see a therapist soon.
Lastly can you report those schools to anyone for not being inclusive?

I think being excluded from a school for a lethargic attitude is unfair. Surely all kids could fall into this category at some point? Although some pp say PRUs are OK, they don't have the best reputation and I think op is right to be concerned about the possible bad influences her son may encounter. No advice, sorry, but sending lots of support and hope that this situation is resolved positively for your son.

"Mental health charities for children and young people - NHS" https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/mental-health-support/mental-health-charities/

Try these charities.

Antihistamines for depression, that's an odd choice for a GP to opt for imo.

I would seriously look at home education. There are groups you should look for on Facebook for advice (make sure to look for Home education UK, not 'home schooling' as that will be mostly American)
It sounds he needs some time focused on his mental health. An unhappy, anxious child can't learn well in school.
You both need some time without the added stress and pressure of the school system.

Another one saying just get online and buy melatonin. I buy gummies from Biovea. Our adhd nurse knows I do this for DS because he prefers them over what he has prescribed (circadin - which is what the nhs prescribed and is a slow release melatonin). DS just wouldn’t sleep without. I use it sometimes too.

totally beyond me why this stuff is gatekept in the uk when you can but in a health food shop in the US and Europe

I'd rather my kid knock about with the local pissheads in the park than at the PRU's in my area so I understand where you're coming from there.
I've had a drink so can't reply properly but just going to say they're taking the piss and fight it allllllll the way. Help is only there for those who shout the loudest. It's taken me 3 years, 2 stone in weightloss and about half my head of hair but I've finally managed to secure a place for my child in a good school who want to, and have the means to help him.

Please dont home ed. Just yet. The LA have no duty of care if you do.

Every option needs to be exhausted by his current school before a PEX. Circumstances usually have to be extreme for a child to be PEXd. No matter what his original school say they have a duty of care towards your child. He is still on their roll until a successful move is achieved.

From what you say circumstances don’t sound extreme. If a student fails a managed move they usually go back to the original school until an alternative provision is found, this is due to their duty of care. I would meet with his original school and accept the pru on a trial basis and in the agreement that if he improves he can go back to school (get it in writing). If you keep his attendance between 98- 100% they will be more likely to take him back.

I work in an alternative provision for students who have been excluded, it’s not a PRU technically.
The one I’m in is attached to a school but takes young people from many local schools. There are 18 students in total and 9 staff members. We have maths and English specialist teachers, youth worker for wellbeing sessions, sports coach and a team of support assistants.
Your son would absolutely thrive in a setting like mine. I would be searching hard for something that exists in your area.

Nothing useful to add advice wise but 💐 to you and your family @Bumblebee2324

Reading through your post, your son developed lots of symptoms of a condition called PANS / PANDAS. Sudden onset tics are a give-away symptom. Insomnia, changes in mood, depression and panic attacks are also common.

https://www.panspandasuk.org/what-are-pans-and-pandas

Is he still under the care of CAMHS? They should have heard of the condition - it’s not rare but it’s under diagnosed.

I know. I am an independent panel member and I work in school exclusions. However whilst academies do have to follow procedures, for the reasons I outlined some have questionable independence compared to maintained schools having to use the local authority run IRPs.
I recently came across an exclusion panel that had three headteachers from other schools on the MATs on the panel. That went to IRP and they used a fourth headteacher, and two governors from another school in the same MAT. There is not specific in the guidance that says they cannot do this, and the family would have to go to a judicial review or tribunal if the child had send to get this properly looked at.

Have you considered home education? Is that a possibility for your family?
It may be just what he needs and once he's settled and feeling much more himself, you can look at other options for him.
Many colleges have 14-16 courses where he can complete his core gcses alongside.
Sounds like he has been through so much & the school system can be even more damaging. All the best x

A PRU is absolutely not the place for a traumatised temporarily Ill young person.

He isn’t “Misbehaving “ because he’s being “naughty “, defiant or disruptive- he’s grieving.

Hi OP, no solid advice except to join the not fine in school Facebook group.
I'm not really sure why they have permanently excluded your son... can you appeal that decision?

I'm so sorry for your loss and how hard this whole season must have been for you. Here is my little grain of hope though, I taught in a PRU and we truly loved these kids back to life. Please don't write off the PRU. It could be that it is exactly where he needs to be so he can have the space to grieve and be able to find healthy ways to cope.

Hi OP.
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Permanently excluded from where?
The school he's at can end the managed move and he'll have to return to his main school.

His main school can't exclude him until he's attended there and behaved in a way that warrants a permanent exclusion.

He cannot be excluded for past behaviours.

For his insomnia I think.

Can you afford a private pediatrician appointment to prescribe melatonin and perhaps an antidepressant? What happened to your original CAMHS referral? I don't understand the reluctance to prescribe melatonin for a boy with insomnia. One of my sons took them gor a while. The antihistamine stuff is weird - I took them once for hayfever. I took the non-drowsy one and I had the most unproductive letgaegic zoned out week of my life. I decided putting up with the hay fever was less trouble.

I work in alternative provision, OP. Not a PRU - although we do work with young people who attend PRUs, and they seem to thrive.

Have a look online for alternative provision in your area. Ours is a nurturing environment with lots of one to one. There are some good options out there.

I wholeheartedly agree with this, your poor boy does sound burnt out and needs to step off this treadmill of stress and rejection. If he was a working adult he'd probably be on sick leave!

Education is important but not more than your boys MH - besides, he can catch up later. We really need to get away from this idea that kids need to have it all together by their 16th birthday or they're failures. Life happens and can throw us 'off course' whatever our age - so he takes his GCSEs later? so what? Maybe he doesn't at all and chooses to work, or do a vocational job? Whatever he decides is not todays problem, today the only thing that matters is his MH.

I was in the top classes at school till my last year when I witnessed a particularly brutal murder then unsurprisingly didn't really give a shit about my English coursework anymore. I left school with GCSEs, but nowhere near my predicted grades - so I took the scenic route, I survived. I've been on this planet for 46 years and my GCSE results were important for about 2 months!

I really feel for you OP. My brother took his own life and it had a huge effect on my DDs, and they didn't even see him that often. It's a huge loss to your family; it's a shame his school couldn't acknowledge that and show him some compassion. For nearly a third of his life he has been coping with the effects of lockdown and disruption to his school life then the loss of his beloved aunty - I think we expect too much from kids tbh, his response sounds perfectly normal for a 14 year old child going through trauma.

Also this!!

Your poor boy, I just want to give both of you a huge hug.

Can you take him out of school for a while? Maybe a year or more.

Also look at different PRUs, as part of my PGCE we visited one, well actually it is 3 different ones on the same site, one of them is a 'medical PRU' for children whose health impacts on their ability to attend mainstream and is a really nurturing place.

There must be a medical PRU in London.

Sorry for your loss too, life really is shit sometimes isn't it?

I wish I could offer more help.

I think you need to really think about giving the PRU a go. I know a few children who have attended them and it has been a game changer for them. It’s smaller classes with staff who are in a better position to be able to understand the challenges and provide support, things are a lot more tailored.