For having simmering resentment towards my husband

[SquashedSquashess]

Looking for experiences from those who’ve been in a similar situation, and how it was resolved. Apologies in advance for the length.

I’ll start by saying DH is in most ways a great husband - I’ve no doubt of his love for me, he works hard, helps around the house with DIY (which he’s good at), is intelligent, honest, and makes me laugh every day.

We are married 3 years, early 30s, and thinking of starting a family soonish. However, over the last 6 months we have bickered on and off quite badly. I think the last 24 hours is a summary snapshot.

DH was away for a week with work. I enjoyed the time to myself, kept the house tidy and got into a good routine with dog walking, work and chores.

DH returned yesterday, very nice arrival saying we’d missed each other, very affectionate. Great.

We get home, and he opens a load of packages that have arrived for him. I ask him to put the empty boxes under the stairs, a 30 second job. He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor.

I end up, a couple of hours later, clearing the boxes away myself. I actually have to point out I’ve done it to get any thanks.

Later, he’s huffing and puffing around and tells me he’s tidying. I ask what he means. It transpires he is putting away his own clothes left out before he went away and unpacking his suitcase, which he seems to think deserves some sort of commendation.

He’s then generally a bit quiet through the evening, saying he’s exhausted. We have dinner, and I go to bed, leaving him to play video games.

This morning, conscious we’ve been communicating badly recently, I raise with him that I’m concerned I cannot find the keys for the safe, which contains most of my jewellery, but don’t want to make it a big deal, just mentioning so he’s aware / can help. He says he’s already told me where to look. I explained I’ve done that looking, and still cannot find them. I was not the last one to use them. He tells me it doesn’t matter, and at worst we’ll just drill the safe (a gift from my family, which would render it useless).

He then proceeds to show me various YouTube videos. When he’s done, I tell him I’m going back to my reading, in a tone that conveys I’m not really impressed. He tells me that I hate him. I explain I’ve just tried to raise a topic that matters to me, that I’m concerned about, and his attitude was entirely dismissive. No apology, we just read in silence.

Thanks to anyone who’s made it to the end. Not every day is like this, but I would say it is weekly. The good equalities I’ve mentioned at the beginning are also present weekly or daily. So I’m not looking for LTB responses

Good update, OP.

That’s great news OP. Now go out and have a lovely meal and a movie or similar… while most of us wrestle dcs into baths, beds etc… You are at a stage of life you should be enjoying each other.

Is your arse of particular note?does it have special features that you invite people to kiss it? Does your arse have a National Trust blue plaque?
You don’t work and you’ve got no business comparing you not working to the OP who does work, and it has to contend with her partner criticising her working.

great update

I don't think we've read the same post

It's not the first time he's done it.

And if I had got the house clean and tidy, too right I'd be pissed off with someone dumping their crap till they could be bothered to deal with it..

It's rude

Great OP update

hope things change for the better 😊

Can you make an entirely new thread @Zone2NorthLondon that states your opinion that childcare isn't work and raising children isn't a job?

I'll nip out for the popcorn now.

Oh, I think we have nanny we just have diametrically opposing views.

Anyhow the update has put the issue to bed without the need to LTB.

Thanks for misplaced suggestion and inaccurate summation. It’s a no
Enjoy your pop corn mind the kernels don’t catch in your throat as you’re worked up enough without that

Is having a Blue Plaque on your arse a pre-requisite of posting an opinion? If so, can you upload a photo of yours?

Is requesting yo have your arse kissed your proclivity? Is that your prerequisite to posting?
are you going to upload a photo?

You are being ridiculous. She made the comment because you rudely attempted to denigrate her and her lifestyle. Assuming you didn’t really take invitation literally, I suspect your wittering on about blue plaques on arses is your way of avoiding confronting the fact you were simply rude.

Gutted! Please reconsider. I'm on call tonight (I know, on a Saturday night too!) and could use the entertainment after my employer goes to sleep 😂

I think she has to polish her blue plaque.

🤣

The job thing would definitely bother me and is pretty insensitive and arrogant. I don’t like those traits personally and makes him seem quite immature. Even if he thinks you being upset about certain things is ‘silly’ (and it isn’t btw), the fact it upsets you should be important to him.

Hope you guys figure things out. He should take it serious

You both sound as bad as each other to be honest. He’s a pain in the backside but you talk and treat him like a child whilst expecting him to do things exactly how you want them done.

@SquashedSquashess We get home, and he opens a load of packages that have arrived for him. I ask him to put the empty boxes under the stairs, a 30 second job. He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor. I end up, a couple of hours later, clearing the boxes away myself.

What is his job and why does he often make this joke?

He loves you, but it doesn't sound like he respects you or sees you as an equal. It's only going to get worse when you are at home with a baby...

OMG read the OP's updates people it's all good now

Personally speaking...I've been both a SAHP and a primary teacher. I wouldn't class being a SAHP as a "job". That's not to say it doesn't bring its own set of challenges (bloody hell - I have a 3 yo and the idea of being a SAHP now fills me with dread!) but no, I wouldn't class it as a job.
The lady here has a profession (solicitor),
but regardless of what any person does with their life, it is not OK for their partner to belittle them.

Ok. Personally speaking, I've held a paying job in childcare and I've been a SAHP doing childcare. That's how I know I am doing a job, except I don't get paid for it. I also get no holidays, sick days, and I'm on call every single night. Do nursery staff not count as having jobs? I do that exact roll except without any breaks or pay. I turn up every day, I never sleep in, and I do a lot of hard work.

If work being paid is all it takes to make it classify as 'proper job', then it isn't too far a leap to say that how MUCH you get paid makes it even more of a 'proper job'. Isn't that what some of the commenters on this thread were extremely concerned about in the first place?

Completely agree with this reasoning. If it’s the “ getting money” that’s relevant, then by extension of that logic some trustafarian who gets a monthly payment from a trust to spend the days lunching and shopping on Sloane Street has a job . Is this what is meant by a job? Thought not.

In reality a Sahm simply circumvents the process of working to get money to pay tax on it to pay from the balance for childcare. Often that process leaves less in the kitty than circumventing that loop. It’s just very disturbing on a forum for mothers, no less, to have that kind of view being bandied about.

I've also done both and for me, being a SAHM was far easier than being a ft primary teacher and parent at the same time. Financially it's not an option for me to be a SAHP but even if it was it's not an option I would choose. Losing financial independence and taking huge breaks in paid employment are both risky.

That’s all different though from saying being a sahm is not a job.