For having simmering resentment towards my husband

[SquashedSquashess]

Looking for experiences from those who’ve been in a similar situation, and how it was resolved. Apologies in advance for the length.

I’ll start by saying DH is in most ways a great husband - I’ve no doubt of his love for me, he works hard, helps around the house with DIY (which he’s good at), is intelligent, honest, and makes me laugh every day.

We are married 3 years, early 30s, and thinking of starting a family soonish. However, over the last 6 months we have bickered on and off quite badly. I think the last 24 hours is a summary snapshot.

DH was away for a week with work. I enjoyed the time to myself, kept the house tidy and got into a good routine with dog walking, work and chores.

DH returned yesterday, very nice arrival saying we’d missed each other, very affectionate. Great.

We get home, and he opens a load of packages that have arrived for him. I ask him to put the empty boxes under the stairs, a 30 second job. He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor.

I end up, a couple of hours later, clearing the boxes away myself. I actually have to point out I’ve done it to get any thanks.

Later, he’s huffing and puffing around and tells me he’s tidying. I ask what he means. It transpires he is putting away his own clothes left out before he went away and unpacking his suitcase, which he seems to think deserves some sort of commendation.

He’s then generally a bit quiet through the evening, saying he’s exhausted. We have dinner, and I go to bed, leaving him to play video games.

This morning, conscious we’ve been communicating badly recently, I raise with him that I’m concerned I cannot find the keys for the safe, which contains most of my jewellery, but don’t want to make it a big deal, just mentioning so he’s aware / can help. He says he’s already told me where to look. I explained I’ve done that looking, and still cannot find them. I was not the last one to use them. He tells me it doesn’t matter, and at worst we’ll just drill the safe (a gift from my family, which would render it useless).

He then proceeds to show me various YouTube videos. When he’s done, I tell him I’m going back to my reading, in a tone that conveys I’m not really impressed. He tells me that I hate him. I explain I’ve just tried to raise a topic that matters to me, that I’m concerned about, and his attitude was entirely dismissive. No apology, we just read in silence.

Thanks to anyone who’s made it to the end. Not every day is like this, but I would say it is weekly. The good equalities I’ve mentioned at the beginning are also present weekly or daily. So I’m not looking for LTB responses

Do you understand what the “ resentment” is stemming from? It’s a big emotion and normally signals huge sacrifices somewhere: eg wife gives up career and independence to look after children; dad brings home money but feels he spends less time with children while being main breadwinner and supporting them etc etc. But I can’t even see you guys have reached the “ resentment “ issues yet . Resenting folding boxes is not about folding boxes …

Does he resent that you’re “ not good enough” because he earns more? And you ( understandably) resent him thinking that?

Sounds like marriage to me!

Sometimes, when there are plenty of issues in play such as debt or pressures of raising children. But where are the “actual” issues here?

Kiss my arse 😉

Of course I have a job. Do you mean I don't have a paid job? What does that matter? Are volunteering positions also not jobs?

'Denigrate's a bit of a exaggeration, isn't it? Sounds like he slightly teased her cause she was micromanaging him. God, someone else even said he 'berated' her!

I think you're all projecting way too hard here. The 'advice' given here is potentially ruining this persons marriage, and leaving her to continue these communication patterns for the foreseeable with new partners.

I'm not financially dependant on my child father at all, by the way. Can I ask why that has anything to do with what I said?

This is the couple's way of communicating.
I imagine being away from each other was quite enjoyable for the pair of them.😬

Oh and btw, he’s lost the safe keys!

OP said this is a snapshot of the bickering that’s been going on for around 6 months. So it’s not a one-off “ joke” or tease.
OP has clearly said she wants the marriage to work , but she needs to sort out why it isn’t and I think that’s what people are trying to help her drill into. She needs to know the issue to fix the issue.

I was also just about to suggest couples’ therapy, before I saw this post.

Have you thought about doing individual therapy for yourself, as well? This might be helpful, so you can talk through your feelings and experiences on your own in a confidential environment away from your husband. There are plenty of different types of therapy available - I think the most important thing is to find a qualified therapist who you trust and who you feel comfortable with. (I’m not a therapist, but have just learned this advice from having some therapy in the past).

Your husband might also benefit from individual therapy himself, but I think he needs to make that decision himself.

It sounds from your post as if you are making an effort to communicate clearly and reasonably with your husband, and that he seems quite dismissive of what you’re trying to say to him and of your situation (e.g. your job, which is a very good job by the way!)

What was your husband like before you got married, and what has he been like in the last few years and months? Is there a pattern to him behaving in a dismissive way e.g. is there a certain kind of situation that triggers this - or does it seem to happen quite suddenly? It sounds very upsetting to have to deal with, and it’s not fair for you to need to deal with it.

Thinking of you, OP 🌺

Most of this could be put down to different communication styles and tidiness preferences and should be solvable, but him viewing your job as less than his is fundamental and has to be tackled before you consider children. Otherwise you have 20 years ahead as default parent and he will be earning a lot more than 50% more than you by the end of it. You need to tackle this head on and have clear agreements on how the household will be run if you do have kids.

’I have broached the topic of counselling with him. He tells me he has looked at options, but is also scared that counselling will cause our marriage to crumble.’

Things aren’t working for you, without the added pressure having a baby places on a relationship. You want to have children. If you don’t do something to fix the foundations of the relationship it’s pretty much guaranteed that your marriage will fail when it’s put under serious stress. If you get counselling and work on your communication now it’s going to do nothing but good. He has to actually be willing to participate though.

Upvoted as saddest self own on mumsnet today.

I would urge you to get the counselling.

My first marriage failed over this kind of thing. The little resentments and feeling of not being heard or walking on eggshells stuff just built up and up until we didn't really like each other anymore. I could go into details but a lot of it was really small, quite petty stuff like the kind of thing you have described- there was no big massive thing but we just couldn't work past it.

The sad fact is, if you have a half decent job and no children, it's really pretty easy to walk away from a marriage. I have no regrets and am now very happily married to someone else, but I think with counselling and a bit of work earlier on, my first marriage would have stood more of a chance.

You've got nothing to lose at this point honestly, because that evening you have just described sounds pretty shitty after you have both been apart for a week and should be happy to be reunited.

See also, he deals with the cars, mots, road tax, insurance, a once a year thing and puts the bins out weekly, that's supposed to equate with the other person doing everything else.

Raise your bar women.

Agreed that you should start with counselling. Wtf does he do that's a more real job that a solicitor? That's an appalling thing to say to anyone.

I've had simmering resentment with my dh for years - it only builds until
It's addressed. Small issues are annoying

This is a big issue though. You have told him that his comments are hurtful and he keeps doing it. And does not seem to be willing to address that. Perhaps could have been generous and say the first times he said it he did not mean it badly or did not realise it offended/hurt you. However, he knows now and keeps doing it. That is a big deal.

Some of the rest could perhaps be down to different styles, routines, etc which need discussion. Am sure he could say there are aspects about how you do things that irritate him. But that unwillingness to listen and change a disrespectful and easily changeable behaviour is pretty telling.

I’m going to give advice that doesn’t require formal intervention or confrontation, as that advice is more straightforward and others might cover it.

Go out, have a great time and lots of closeness. Alcohol. Sex. Couple of days. Assume he’s nervous about baby responsibilities. In a conversation about your futures, laughingly ask him what he would change about the house if he could. Ask what his least favourite chore is and his favourite. Segue into what he would change about your chores/his. Act like you want to please him.

It could be he’s jealous of your status from that ‘real job’ remark. And threatened by not coming up to scratch to your standards. Particularly when he’s been away and returns to you thriving without him, and if he’s had a bruising time while away. I’d be quite happy to pander to his ego a little in a marriage and expect the same in return if I was feeling a little over sensitive some days. I wouldn’t put up with dismissiveness for more than once or twice, though.

Again, this is real world advice and it’s up to you if you feel your relationship is worth some TLC in this way or you prefer to be blunt and more unsubtle. Best of luck, do let us know what you decide.

That sounds like surrendered wife crap.

He actually just sounds like a typical man, they never notice mess

Of course they do. The ones who 'just can't see it' simply think it is not their job to tidy it up, it's the magical house elf who does it.

Thanks again to everyone for the ongoing advice. Lots of perspectives and reflections, mostly helpful.

As mentioned, my post is a snapshot into what probably happens once a week (which is too much). It isn’t our every day, and it also isn’t a one-off.

To the point on why the “real job” comments hit a nerve - I studied for 4 years, then worked my way up for 5 years. I worked as a paralegal for a long time, eventually qualifying via equivalent means. It was a long slog, and at times I felt like a failure as I never secured a training contract. Qualifying as a solicitor was one of the highlights of my life to be honest, and having someone tell me it’s not a real job after all that effort, smacks.

DH and I spoke this afternoon and reflected on where we’re going wrong. I acknowledged (as some posters have pointed out) that raising issues first thing in the morning isn’t ideal, and I hadn’t thought about that as I’d been up for 3 hours before him mulling it over and getting increasingly worried.

He acknowledged that he’s often dismissive, and needs to make the effort to engage more when I’m just looking for some support. Just saying “I understand your concern about the safe, let’s allocate some time in the week to look for those keys” is what I’m looking for.

Bonus to the story - he has gone and found the keys

I told him the real job jokes are hurtful and really put me down. He told me he didn’t mean that, that I have a qualified profession and of course have a real job. I told him nonetheless, that joke makes me feel like he doesn’t value my work or thinks I’m not pulling my weight. He was quite horrified, and very apologetic, and has promised not to make that joke again.

We’ve agreed we need to make time to reconnect and enjoy being together, as both of our jobs demand a lot of our time. We are going to have what is essentially weekly “date” time to reconnect, and if these issues continue we will then arrange couples therapy.

Thanks again to everyone. I agree we need to put the time and effort in to improving things before any TTC, but think we are going in the right direction.

This is absolutely just me speculating - but I wonder if your husband feels insecure about his own job and himself and this insecurity is causing him to behave dismissively to you? If that is the case (it may or may not be), please realise that this is not on you and it is absolutely something for him to deal with and take responsibility for. I’m sure he will appreciate your support, but it is definitely on him to work on and deal with.

This sounds like a really positive update. Well done OP, and wishing you and your husband all the best x

I’ve been with my dh for 33 years, married for 29, and this kind if fake crap has never been necessary—certainly not in the run up to children. A person has the right to be safe raising issues honestly and openly with their partner. No alcohol and seduction is necessary and if it is you should dump him and walk away.this would be my advice whether a man or a woman was being given this advice, btw.

I’ve asked for my post to be taken down, I wandered off and hadn’t read your update OP

I hope you get things sorted