For having simmering resentment towards my husband

[SquashedSquashess]

Looking for experiences from those who’ve been in a similar situation, and how it was resolved. Apologies in advance for the length.

I’ll start by saying DH is in most ways a great husband - I’ve no doubt of his love for me, he works hard, helps around the house with DIY (which he’s good at), is intelligent, honest, and makes me laugh every day.

We are married 3 years, early 30s, and thinking of starting a family soonish. However, over the last 6 months we have bickered on and off quite badly. I think the last 24 hours is a summary snapshot.

DH was away for a week with work. I enjoyed the time to myself, kept the house tidy and got into a good routine with dog walking, work and chores.

DH returned yesterday, very nice arrival saying we’d missed each other, very affectionate. Great.

We get home, and he opens a load of packages that have arrived for him. I ask him to put the empty boxes under the stairs, a 30 second job. He tells me he’s too busy, and makes a “joke” (often made) that unlike me he has a real job. I’m a solicitor.

I end up, a couple of hours later, clearing the boxes away myself. I actually have to point out I’ve done it to get any thanks.

Later, he’s huffing and puffing around and tells me he’s tidying. I ask what he means. It transpires he is putting away his own clothes left out before he went away and unpacking his suitcase, which he seems to think deserves some sort of commendation.

He’s then generally a bit quiet through the evening, saying he’s exhausted. We have dinner, and I go to bed, leaving him to play video games.

This morning, conscious we’ve been communicating badly recently, I raise with him that I’m concerned I cannot find the keys for the safe, which contains most of my jewellery, but don’t want to make it a big deal, just mentioning so he’s aware / can help. He says he’s already told me where to look. I explained I’ve done that looking, and still cannot find them. I was not the last one to use them. He tells me it doesn’t matter, and at worst we’ll just drill the safe (a gift from my family, which would render it useless).

He then proceeds to show me various YouTube videos. When he’s done, I tell him I’m going back to my reading, in a tone that conveys I’m not really impressed. He tells me that I hate him. I explain I’ve just tried to raise a topic that matters to me, that I’m concerned about, and his attitude was entirely dismissive. No apology, we just read in silence.

Thanks to anyone who’s made it to the end. Not every day is like this, but I would say it is weekly. The good equalities I’ve mentioned at the beginning are also present weekly or daily. So I’m not looking for LTB responses

Having children is going to increase the stress on your relationship around a thousand percent. You might want to think about that.

She's not looking for perfect.

Respect would be a start!

You both sound really unhappy. His comments about your job are horrible, your response to his videos was horrible as well. Lots of resentment on both sides, poor communication, both making each other feel rotten.

Was there a time when things weren't like this? Is there something that changed? You really sound as if you'd rather he wasn't there and from your description you're also making him feel like that.

I wouldn't start a family. In fact, I'd be thinking about whether you actually want to be in the marriage at all- it's a hundred times easier to separate if there aren't children involved. I don't think either of you is especially to blame (at least as you tell it) - you're just making each other miserable.

His comments about your job are definitely belittling, so I would venture that this makes everything seem intolerable.

He’s too tired to try to save his own marriage….(because he doesn’t care.) He repeatedly belittles your job despite you asking him not to and gaslights you about not being able to take a joke… (because he doesn’t care) He leaves shit around the place knowing how much it upsets you…(because he doesn’t care.) He changes the subject when you are talking to him… (because he doesn’t care.) He has ceased to see you as a person at all because you are “The Wife #01”. When you eventually leave him he will act like this shit came entirely out of the blue and you never TOLD him how you were feeling. This dude has been entirely checked out of his relationship with YOU. He just wants a wife.

I have broached the topic of counselling with him. He tells me he has looked at options, but is also scared that counselling will cause our marriage to crumble.

You absolutely know why in your heart of hearts why he said this.

Because it would out your husband and you'd leave him for being the low level abuser he is.

He is priming you for a life of full time work and domestic drudgery.

He will have full control over you once you have a baby.

His life won't change and yours will never be the same.

He's not an equal partner ,your carrying his share of housework

You both seem to just escalate the petty bickering in your interactions. Making snide comments, raising issues at unhelpful times, seeking the worst interpretation of the other's comments, dismissing the other's viewpoints. You both need some support in learning how to talk to each other in a respectful way.

If he’s too tired to have a discussion about saving your marriage and he’s not willing to go to counselling, then I don’t see how you can fix this single handed.

His actions are saying “ I don’t care about your feelings, I’m not willing listen to your concerns so I’m ignoring you until you shut up about it”.

It's the belittling comments that are the major red flag for me here. It's fair to say that different people have different standards of tidiness, and different methods/approaches to a tidy home - but this doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. I am very much a tidy as I go person, DH isn't, I have accepted that if I want various rooms in our house to look as I want them to look then it's easier for me to just get on and do it (the one exception being his study, which I refuse to touch). That may not be an approach that works for everyone, but it works for us.

But the "I've got a proper job" snarkiness is really out of order. It doesn't actually matter what each of you do, or earn - you should each have respect in that regard. I spent years as a SAHP and whilst I now work, it's a fairly lowly admin job, certainly nothing to do with my original well-aid professional role prior to having DC, and I earn a fraction of what DH earns. But in over 20 years of marriage he has never, not once, made a belittling comment about what I do or implied that he is the more important because he has a 'big' job. If he refers to it at all it's to acknowledge that he couldn't do what he does if I didn't do what I do.

As others have said, please don't even think about starting a family with this man. Not now, and possibly not ever.

I'm sorry, but when a person who works away all week comes home, they should not be expected to obey the other's commands on how to unpack. Furthermore, they should not be subjected to a court-style summary of the case of the missing safe key. I'm not quite sure who's disrespecting who in this scenario, but I would state that I find the original poster oppressive and controlling.

Instead, how about saying "I've missed you all week and let's have a great weekend reconnecting"?"

I think the MRA batshit signal just went out.

In a shared home, the person who opens their parcels bins the boxes. This is how grownups behave. We don't leave our mess for others to deal with. OP objected to the mess and was subjected to a personal attack about her job. Again, this is not how grownups behave.

I note that you have no criticism of him not wanting to reconnect immediately by prioritising his parcels over his wife.

I agree with this. It all sounds so miserable and loveless.

Let let me help you it is him who is disrespecting her and denigrating her job making comments about it not being “proper “. the spats about chores are minor compared to his habitual belittling of her job. There in lies the actual rub, he disrespects her and he doesn’t value her job yet he makes ample time to big him self up in comparison. He’s not a brave explorer coming home from conquering new worlds ,he’s not out there saving the world. He is corporate and attending conferences, yes he working hard and presenting. Lets be clear that in its self is it not better or more worthy than her work as a solicitor. They both work full time, they are both tired. The fact that he’s away from home doesn’t give him a free pass to come home and expect all chores to be done and him to berate his wife

That is a possibility. It's not factual, because you aren't the OPs partner and you can't speak for him. I asked this question to the OP to consider.

I don't think OPs self worth should be hinged on whether or not her partner makes a fairly bland joke about her job.

I'm a SAHM. If my partner tried to joke that I didn't have a real job, I would tell him to kiss my arse. I truly believe I do have a worthwhile and 'real' job. It wouldn't affect my self esteem in the slightest. If it was something I thought he ACTUALLY believed, I would immediately get rid, because he would clearly have too low an IQ.

Personally, I don't mind a bit of playful sparring about things that I'm not actually sensitive about.

Just wondering if the OP should consider if he's touching a nerve, and if so, what that nerve is all about, and also try to explore how serious this 'joke' is with her partner. None of us here can do that for them.

Since you don’t want to leave, you have some work to do to turn this marriage into a decent one before you bring a child into this mess. He belittles your job, is lazy around the house, speaks to you dismissively and like so many men of his type sits playing video games like a teenager.

If you have a child he’ll leave all the childcare to you, sulk and huff if you ask him to do the smallest household task, look down on you if you stay at home to care for your baby, refuse to have his precious sleep disturbed, and sit playing his games instead of being a responsible father. Just take a look at MN threads for a few minutes and there they are, the men who expect to live like a carefree single man instead of stepping up as husbands and fathers, and they’re all exactly like you describe your husband.

You’re choosing to stay married to a selfish disrespectful immature man, that’s your choice, but you owe it to your future children to do something about this.

What does he do that makes being a solicitor so risible as a job? Am I right in suspecting it is less qualified and this is an insecurity thing? Tbh it seems early in your marriage for this kind of tension. Pre-children, we’d have been out and about, not at home bickering about boxes or playing video games. I’m not quite sure what to suggest the issue could be but I sense there is one.

In your home or mind, this is the way you think jobs should be done.
In my relationship, no one micro-manages the other.

"Reverse the scenario. The wife comes home, and the husband immediately starts saying things like "Make sure you put those boxes away" and "Where is the key for the safe? It's a family heirloom, you know." She replies "I'm tired, my job is harder than yours," and so on."

It's a typical argument between a couple who have lost their way.

Bottom line?

He sees himself as superior to you, and housework/tidying is YOUR job.

This is because you are a woman.

Oh I’ve just seen the job update. I realise you have said you’re proud of his job, but is there a possibility of some kind of imposter syndrome here? He talks ( pontificates) about how other people should do stuff, you actually do it? It just struck me as a really odd way to respond to a solicitor role. It’s qualified, relatively well paid and relatively demanding - frankly more demanding in some aspects than talking about it. There’s just something really off, both in him making those comments and the other interactions you’ve described.

Instead of stalling on discussing conception, make couples counselling a priority. Lots of couples get their health in order before TTC (stopping smoking, losing weight, finishing a course of treatment etc), mental health is just another facet. If counselling causes your marriage to crumble, it's too fragile already

Different scenarios..You don’t have a job.Op has a job and her dp denigrate it.habitually

whether or not you and your partner tease each other is irrelevant to this situation
Youre financially dependent on your dh , the op isn’t

It really does sound odd. It’s a stage of a marriage that shouldn’t be like this.

Totally agree. If they split up and move onto new relationships, then it's very likely repeat these same scenarios with their new partners.

The expecting praise for putting his own stuff away really stood out to me as a red flag. If you have a baby with him, and take time off/scale back your own career, this will hugely amplify.