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AIBU?

Weddings are a total waste of money

165 replies

TheGenerousPHILAMPERIST · 26/01/2024 21:00

AIBU by tellig many people IRL that marraige is indeed a total waste of time and money these days?

If you have loads of cash and able to throw about 25/35 thousand, then you carry on.

However, lots of people get married and these days marriage is not what it was 30+ years ago and that is a fact.

Would you agree with me that money used to fund a marriage be it 25/35k or loads more or less is justifiable when most first-time buyers are struggling to get a deposit?

I of preach: Have a little party as this avoids the stress and strains of preparing for the big wedding bash. Save the money for your future and the future of your children and the rainy days, and or enjoy the money on destressing life etc.

But throwing it away in many cases on a marriage that may have failed before it started, whats the point?

We had a big bash as did our children and thankfully we are still together.

Of course, it's your choice and I wish you a happy and long life of bliss together. However, I would be honest if the aforementioned did not come with a caveat of, many marriages are destined to fail, so save your money to make a happier and easier life for yourselves and your children.

OP posts:
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DrCoconut · 27/01/2024 12:05

Marriage certainly doesn't offer financial protection in all cases. Couples need to assess what is best for their specific case and this is not something that most people are clued up on. Marriage is still seen as romantic, some sort of rite of passage to being a proper adult or in some families a religious obligation to avoid "living in sin". How many on here were taught to work out how much it could cost them if their DH/DW left them?

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Sunshine322 · 27/01/2024 12:12

Of course weddings are a waste of money, they are boring and forced fun. But if people want to spend 30k of their own money on one day, that’s up to them.

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Oblomov23 · 27/01/2024 12:47

Big weddings don't need to cost a lot. Dh's family is big. My mum made our wedding cake, our friend offered his 2 cars for us to arrive in. We had good food and put money behind the bar.

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TheGenerousPHILAMPERIST · 27/01/2024 12:56

Sunshine322 · 27/01/2024 12:12

Of course weddings are a waste of money, they are boring and forced fun. But if people want to spend 30k of their own money on one day, that’s up to them.

Hello
Have you not read my posts?
Posts clearly state spending a lot of moey one can ill afford or money they can ill afford on weddings.

So here are talking about "debt..cost of living...forced to borrow" With most able people that have been taught by their parents not to borrow money other than for a property or business and everything else comes with no borrowing and always try to keep savings for a rainy day have on the whole done well, EG us, my family, and most of the people I know and 90% of the people I worked with

Sadly too many people feel entitled to a wedding they can ill afford without thinking beyonf their nost and end up in debt/borrowing and more borrowing putting strss on the family.

Read my previous posts about me wanting a big, detached house, nice, fast car, holidays in LA, flying first class, sending children to boarding school etc - why do you think we did not do that when we fist started out?? Thant's right, we could not afford it and the principles taught to us were "if you are able to work, don't try to run before you can walk""! IE only borrow as above otherwise come a rainy day one ends up in debt/bigger debts. We've encountered massive mortages rises in the past but prudent spennding/saving worked for us

As the threads get longer point of OP being muddied - weddings, the mass spends are better spent on ones future to ensure stability and build upwards unless ou have the money and money left over. Thank you

OP posts:
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Sunshine322 · 27/01/2024 12:59

TheGenerousPHILAMPERIST · 27/01/2024 12:56

Hello
Have you not read my posts?
Posts clearly state spending a lot of moey one can ill afford or money they can ill afford on weddings.

So here are talking about "debt..cost of living...forced to borrow" With most able people that have been taught by their parents not to borrow money other than for a property or business and everything else comes with no borrowing and always try to keep savings for a rainy day have on the whole done well, EG us, my family, and most of the people I know and 90% of the people I worked with

Sadly too many people feel entitled to a wedding they can ill afford without thinking beyonf their nost and end up in debt/borrowing and more borrowing putting strss on the family.

Read my previous posts about me wanting a big, detached house, nice, fast car, holidays in LA, flying first class, sending children to boarding school etc - why do you think we did not do that when we fist started out?? Thant's right, we could not afford it and the principles taught to us were "if you are able to work, don't try to run before you can walk""! IE only borrow as above otherwise come a rainy day one ends up in debt/bigger debts. We've encountered massive mortages rises in the past but prudent spennding/saving worked for us

As the threads get longer point of OP being muddied - weddings, the mass spends are better spent on ones future to ensure stability and build upwards unless ou have the money and money left over. Thank you

If people want to get in to debt to the tune of 30k for their wedding, that is also up to them. It really isn’t anyone else’s business.

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A1ia · 27/01/2024 13:01

I wanted to marry mu husband but neither of us are "wedding people". We spent £700 all in for our ceremony, reception, wedding outfits, hotel for our wedding night etc. It was simple and intimate (12 guests) and we even made our own cake. Everyone was relaxed and enjoyed themselves and we were able to start married life without debt. A win-win for us.

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BogRollBOGOF · 27/01/2024 13:58

I don't regret our big wedding 15 years ago. We could afford it. We also managed the budget so we had what we wanted and what was logistically sensible on the most sensible price avaliable. It was the one day of our lives where we pulled together pretty much all our loved ones over hundreds of miles, and was absolutely worth it.

Weddings are often used as a social glue. They're events that unite people when distance and busyness often get in the way. Most cultures throughout humanity history have some form of social wedding ceremonies.

That's not to say that people should have big weddings if it doesn't suit their situation or their budget. Choice in how to make the legal/ personal vows to each other is a good thing. But there is nothing wrong in spending money on a wedding if couples can afford it and want to do it that way. I agree that getting into debt to pay for an extravagent wedding is a poor choice, but there's a limited number of things that are worth incurring debt.

Marriage is not going to put a sticking plaster on a failing relationship. If a marriage fails shortly after a big wedding, there were fundamental poor choices at play anyway. If it wasn't the wedding, it would be something else anyway. I've known of two Bridezilla marriages flounder in this way, that's a pretty small proportion of the weddings I've been to or had regular chat about in the 20 years that my peers have been getting married. Most have stayed together long after a few years honeymoon period. A few grew apart with time.

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TheGenerousPHILAMPERIST · 27/01/2024 14:10

Sunshine322 · 27/01/2024 12:59

If people want to get in to debt to the tune of 30k for their wedding, that is also up to them. It really isn’t anyone else’s business.

It is my business when they go belly up, unable to afford the "debt" and are kicked out of their property or rented property and then put up the coucil.
Everyone that is able should have some responsibility and not put an extra burden on those that pay taxes.

Its a bit like the Labour-run coucils making bad decisions/etc, going belly up and then the taxpayers in England and local coucil taxpayers have to burden the bail out. In turn as the coucil taxes shoot up ti puts pressure on those paying their bills.

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thebestinterest · 27/01/2024 14:23

innerdesign · 27/01/2024 09:40

Just curious, did your 5k cover travel and accommodation for these 60 guests at your destination wedding? Because, if not, all you did was pass the costs onto them 😬 700k is obviously ridiculous (and impossible for most), but there's a happy medium

Well, my parents own a boutique hotel
on a Caribbean island, so everyone who travelled to our event (dh’s family) had accommodation covered; plus, activities for the week and food. We had something planned for everyday and food was provided. Guest could opt in or out of any event, so it was wasn’t rigid.

Obviously we didn’t cover plane tix, but there was no obligation to come to it.

all in all, 5k fed everyone and because we chose a destination location where weddings aren’t seen as a way to make money, our $$$$ was able to go further.

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easylikeasundaymorn · 27/01/2024 14:31

TheGenerousPHILAMPERIST · 26/01/2024 21:46

Hello. I was hoping in hope that my OP was clear, EG wedding often cost thousands, ours did more than 40 yrs ago and our children's wedding cost loads more and every wedding we've been to costs easily 15k - and therefore 'small parties party even a larger one does not often have the expense of a big wedding and is more informal and you often spend a fraction of the cost

I sincerely recommend people just get married with their parents there then have a party and parties I've been to many and massive ones, they never come close to the spends on wedding parties as often there is a build up to the wedding etc and extra costs, RR, Betly hire fr the day 1500, venue, 2k for half decent place, the waiters etc and video makers etc and entertainment on a large scale etc

so you're expecting random people on the internet to follow your advice when not even your own children did? 😂

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innerdesign · 27/01/2024 14:38

thebestinterest · 27/01/2024 14:23

Well, my parents own a boutique hotel
on a Caribbean island, so everyone who travelled to our event (dh’s family) had accommodation covered; plus, activities for the week and food. We had something planned for everyday and food was provided. Guest could opt in or out of any event, so it was wasn’t rigid.

Obviously we didn’t cover plane tix, but there was no obligation to come to it.

all in all, 5k fed everyone and because we chose a destination location where weddings aren’t seen as a way to make money, our $$$$ was able to go further.

Ah right okay, so a totally normal and relatable situation 🙄 it didn't cost 5k though, did it? That might be what you spent, but you had a generous donation from your parents who covered the accommodation and activity costs by not charging market rate

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user1497207191 · 27/01/2024 14:40

Expensive fancy “look at me” weddings aren’t necessary unless you want the attention. A marriage can cost just a few hundred pounds if you want the legal protections etc.

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InSpainTheRain · 27/01/2024 14:41

It's easy for you to say that big weddings are a waste of money though, because you say "We had a big bash as did our children and thankfully we are still together."

However, I do understand your point. We were recently married after 25+ years together (for inheritance tax reasons). We did the ceremony with 2 witnesses and nothing more. No new clothes, no meal etc. Can't say it's made any difference to how we live our lives and I certainly wouldn't have spent money on a big party - we'd rather have a holiday. But if people want a big do, lots of friends etc then that can be lovely too.

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Gowlett · 27/01/2024 14:44

Wasn’t arsed with a wedding. Didn’t have one. Happy.
Finding marriage hard, after 10 years, if you’re asking!

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RuthW · 27/01/2024 14:44

Absolutely. I got married last year. Cost under £3000 including a small honeymoon. The day was perfect with 17 people. Just what we wanted.

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redheadsaregreat · 27/01/2024 14:55

@TheGenerousPHILAMPERIST It is my business when they go belly up, unable to afford the "debt" and are kicked out of their property or rented property and then put up the coucil.

You started off with a relatively sane sounding thought but you've tumbled headlong into crazy territory you think all of life's ills are due to expensive weddings it seems. And you are determined to believe that you had it harder than today's young.

Even though every economist who has spoken on the matter has stated that the young have it tougher. By no. Random Phil off MN thinks otherwise.

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BashfulClam · 27/01/2024 15:16

I had a nice small wedding. We eloped and that was our choice. Others want a big wedding, that’s their choice. It’s not up to you, me or Mary down the road to preach or tell anyone how to spend their money or how to celebrate their marriage.

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Wadermellone · 27/01/2024 15:53

TheGenerousPHILAMPERIST · 27/01/2024 14:10

It is my business when they go belly up, unable to afford the "debt" and are kicked out of their property or rented property and then put up the coucil.
Everyone that is able should have some responsibility and not put an extra burden on those that pay taxes.

Its a bit like the Labour-run coucils making bad decisions/etc, going belly up and then the taxpayers in England and local coucil taxpayers have to burden the bail out. In turn as the coucil taxes shoot up ti puts pressure on those paying their bills.

Is there an epidemic of people becoming homeless because they spent too much on their wedding?

What about people who end up in the same situation but got into debt for other things. That’s less problematic for you?

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Dapbag · 27/01/2024 18:06

Councils are going belly up primarily because of prolonged, systematic underfunding from this Tory government and increased service costs.

I'd love to see some data on the number of people going cap in hand to the council after blowing money they don't have on weddings. Just guessing it's not in the top hundred reasons for people becoming destitute.

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notintheslightest3 · 27/01/2024 20:20

Sunshine322 · 27/01/2024 12:12

Of course weddings are a waste of money, they are boring and forced fun. But if people want to spend 30k of their own money on one day, that’s up to them.

We absolutely loved our day and all of our guests said they did too. I wouldn't have been in the least bit offended if someone declined an invitation for whatever reason. I'm assuming you don't attend weddings if you find them boring and forced fun?

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Shortbreadfingerss · 27/01/2024 20:28

TheGenerousPHILAMPERIST · 27/01/2024 14:10

It is my business when they go belly up, unable to afford the "debt" and are kicked out of their property or rented property and then put up the coucil.
Everyone that is able should have some responsibility and not put an extra burden on those that pay taxes.

Its a bit like the Labour-run coucils making bad decisions/etc, going belly up and then the taxpayers in England and local coucil taxpayers have to burden the bail out. In turn as the coucil taxes shoot up ti puts pressure on those paying their bills.

Aren’t lots of people struggling to pay their rent because of extortionate prices partly caused by landlords buying multiple properties, forcing them out of the market?

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coldcallerbaiter · 27/01/2024 20:58

I completely agree. Big weddings are a waste. A small one if you can afford it,no problem.

It’s just one day.

What’s a small wedding? £2k, £5k, £10k. Idk.

Marriage is worth doing for the protections. Do not do it if disadvantageous though, take legal advice and draw up an agreement.

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notintheslightest3 · 27/01/2024 21:36

@coldcallerbaiter but what if the couple can afford a big wedding?

My DH and I were talking about our wedding the other day and spoke of how difficult it is to arrange get togethers with everyone around children/work etc and agreed that our wedding was possibly the only day that we would have absolutely everyone we loved together, it is what we wanted and what we could afford. It was truly special and memories we cherish.

We don't buy designer clothes etc or have huge outgoings so it hasn't left us in any debt. However had we not been in the financial position we are, it wouldn't have been possible. I've attended smaller weddings and they have been as lovely and special as ours.

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meow1989 · 27/01/2024 21:48

For me and dh personally, it was important we bought a house before engagement (having lived together for 4 years renting). Where feasible, this would always be my recommendation. We spent around 6k (no debt) on our wedding and have no regrets 8 years on.

But our priority was to buy a house, not everyone feels like this. We've got friends who did it like we did and spent much more, we've got friends who haven't bought but had children and then got married.

Is starting a marriage in debt due to a wedding what I would advise/want for myself? No, so I didn't do it. Is it my business if someone else chooses to? Also no.

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Dismaljanuary · 27/01/2024 22:01

Unfortunately due to the cost I think it's better to have small intimate gatherings.

Huge family weddings are wonderful if you can afford it as it's rare large families come together.
However smaller gatherings are so much more personal and wonderful.

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