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AIBU?

Weddings are a total waste of money

165 replies

TheGenerousPHILAMPERIST · 26/01/2024 21:00

AIBU by tellig many people IRL that marraige is indeed a total waste of time and money these days?

If you have loads of cash and able to throw about 25/35 thousand, then you carry on.

However, lots of people get married and these days marriage is not what it was 30+ years ago and that is a fact.

Would you agree with me that money used to fund a marriage be it 25/35k or loads more or less is justifiable when most first-time buyers are struggling to get a deposit?

I of preach: Have a little party as this avoids the stress and strains of preparing for the big wedding bash. Save the money for your future and the future of your children and the rainy days, and or enjoy the money on destressing life etc.

But throwing it away in many cases on a marriage that may have failed before it started, whats the point?

We had a big bash as did our children and thankfully we are still together.

Of course, it's your choice and I wish you a happy and long life of bliss together. However, I would be honest if the aforementioned did not come with a caveat of, many marriages are destined to fail, so save your money to make a happier and easier life for yourselves and your children.

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Anahenzaris · 27/01/2024 04:03

YABU quit preaching , nobody is interested in your opinion.

Weddings have important places in many cultures, and are often far more than just a fancy dress. Absolutely people should consider their financial position when planning a wedding. But if it isn’t your wedding you can just shut up and leave people to celebrate the important events in their life how they want to.

If you really consider marriage or weddings a waste of money (1) divorce so you aren’t so hypocritical and (2) rsvp no whenever you are invited

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innerdesign · 27/01/2024 09:40

thebestinterest · 27/01/2024 01:13

They are not a waste of time but they can certainly be a waste of money.

We spent a total of $5k for our destination wedding and the majority of that money went on providing damn good food and wine for our 60 guests ♥️

on the contrast, I attended a lavish nuptial in a very posh zip code in US that was over $700k! Can’t remember the food, but I do remember feeling bored for most of it.

Just curious, did your 5k cover travel and accommodation for these 60 guests at your destination wedding? Because, if not, all you did was pass the costs onto them 😬 700k is obviously ridiculous (and impossible for most), but there's a happy medium

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TheGenerousPHILAMPERIST · 27/01/2024 09:42

MCOut · 27/01/2024 01:35

OP you are living on planet out of touch.

People younger than you are struggling, because unlike you were, they were not established financially when they had to struggle through two financial crises, brexit, a pandemic and the cost of living crisis. Added to that wages have fallen in real terms, working age benefits have been cut and the price of housing has skyrocketed. I’m sure weddings have caused the least of most young couples financial worries.

But you go on thinking it’s because they’re extravagant if you’d like.

Really?

You conveniently forgot about the financial crashes when our mortgage rates shot up to 18& almost overnight when people did not often have fixed mortgage rates, several other crashes and more recently 2008/9 and covid impact it has impacted us as tenants defaulted and we were paying 2 mortgages.
We also moved from Bradford 1n 1980 to London and price of property in London was a lot higher, we sold our nice semi for 2500 and ended up buying a terraced house for 30k.

Its never been easy as you suggest and there has always been struggles - its getting your priorities right is the key to financial health and wealth along with ones own health.

Too many people live from hand to mouth and turn to CC's and payday loans. Why should someone buy an item for 900 and end up paying 2000 for it via cc/payday laons - its common sense - wedding parties do not have to be big spenders as dozens have pointed out here - Like I said, if you have the money the choice is yours - I know of people through work that are soon in trouble financially if something happens they were not prepared for, car has big repair or boiler etc and they turn to cc's etc


If anyone wants a big wedding, good luck and an expensive honeymoon - but trust me for many the honeymoon is soon overcome the reality of real life and paying for your property/repairs, savings etc, tensions build if you don't have decent savings, IMO and what I've seen and heard.

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TheGenerousPHILAMPERIST · 27/01/2024 09:48

Anahenzaris · 27/01/2024 04:03

YABU quit preaching , nobody is interested in your opinion.

Weddings have important places in many cultures, and are often far more than just a fancy dress. Absolutely people should consider their financial position when planning a wedding. But if it isn’t your wedding you can just shut up and leave people to celebrate the important events in their life how they want to.

If you really consider marriage or weddings a waste of money (1) divorce so you aren’t so hypocritical and (2) rsvp no whenever you are invited

Thank you. If "no one is interested" why comment? Look at the voting, stands at 50/50

"Interested" or not, the forum is here to debte items members want and I am standing by my observations and will continue to tell people what I think of big spending on weddings or more importantly, spending money they can't afford in the scheme of things.

The vote is if you agree or don't and thank you for airing ("preaching")your side of the discussion, lol.

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Wictc · 27/01/2024 09:52

People like spending their money on what’s important to them. I wouldn’t spend thousands on F1 tickets, but my friend does and loves it. I’ve spent thousands on expensive restaurants, have enjoyed every one. If people want to spend lots of money on a party, surely that’s up to them?

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MrsK23 · 27/01/2024 09:54

We had a “big” wedding and all the works… 20k+. Young professional couple (mid 20s) with no children yet. We had it that way because we were able to save to fund it ourselves and I don’t regret it one bit.

I will never understand people running themselves into debt for a wedding… as the marriage is really all that matters. But I am also a believer that life is short and so you should enjoy all it has to offer. It was the best day of our lives so far and exceeded everything we could have hoped for. The perfect way to celebrate what I hope is the start of a very long and healthy marriage. I know if I were given the chance I would do it all exactly the same!

As for marriages not being what they used to. I think that depends on the situation. Some people focus on the wedding too much, instead of seeing it just as it is, a means to an end. Also divorce is no longer as taboo as it was years ago, which isn’t always a bad thing in certain situations such a domestic violence etc.

We had a very relaxed planning experience and made sure to fit in pre-marital counselling despite not having any active “issues”. But we were very conscious to start things off on the right foot and really by the time the day came around I couldn’t care less about the small details, all that mattered was that my lovely hubby was waiting for me at the end of the aisle!

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LorlieS · 27/01/2024 10:08

@KarenNotAKaren Very strongly disagree that the more expensive weddings are "the best". Some of the most genuine and joyous weddings I've been to have been the less expensive ones, and a lot of the far more expensive ones have been less about love and more about "keeping up with the Jones's".
Perhaps this is a part of the reason why those couples you mentioned with such very expensive weddings separated early on in their marriages?
It may sound cheesy, but to me a "good" wedding isn't about what you can spend financially, it's about the time you get to spend with your closest and most genuine friends and family honestly sharing in your joy. And not all of those friends and family will be able to afford the cost of attending an expensive wedding.
We had 17 guests in total at a beautiful village hotel and pub. Had we won the lottery a year before we wouldn't have invited a single guest more.

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Thepeopleversuswork · 27/01/2024 10:28

The fetishisation of weddings in our culture is toxic in my view. Your OP neatly demonstrates how many people confuse a wedding with a marriage as if the wedding is the end game.

For large numbers of young women in particular a wedding is the zenith of what they can achieve in their lives and they give virtually no thought to whether the marriage itself is the right thing to do.

Marriage is a financial transaction which benefits the poorer of the two spouses and for anyone who is planning to take time off to raise children it’s absolutely essential. For the wealthier spouse it is usually (not always) a bad idea from a financial perspective. For generations men have recognised this as a fair trade off when a woman is making herself financially vulnerable to raise children.

But when the woman is the wealthier partner and the one raising the children it no longer makes financial sense.

Unfortunately people are woefully poorly educated about this and think a marriage is variously either a) an excuse for an expensive party with a white dress or b) a sign of commitment.

It is neither. It is basically income insurance.

So yes I agree weddings are a breathtaking waste of money but I would go further and say unless you plan to stop working for a long time marriage is also not the great financial benefit it’s cracked up to be. Yet still on thread after thread people parrot on “you should get married” as if it was a panacea to all women’s problems.

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Dapbag · 27/01/2024 10:33

Weddings are one of those things that some people do cheaply but other people drop a packet on even if they can't really afford it.

Other examples - Christmas, holidays, cars, clothes, furniture, kitchens, pushbikes, technology, phones etc etc

One mans treat is another's waste of money.
Who's to say what's worth it and what isn't?

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Dapbag · 27/01/2024 10:37

@Thepeopleversuswork Your post sees marriage purely as a financial transaction as though love never has anything to do with it.

35 years into my marriage there have been periods of all those things that you make your vows about - sickness, health, richer, poorer - when one of us has supported the other through ill health, one earning, one not. In my case at least our marriage has created a team through thick and thin and it's not been about who got the most out of it financially.

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LemonLight · 27/01/2024 10:41

I don't think it's a waste of money if you have the means to fund it. My wedding was the best day of my life and I love being married to my husband.
It's fine to have your own opinion but why do you feel the need to go shooting other people down?

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Wadermellone · 27/01/2024 10:44

So yes I agree weddings are a breathtaking waste of money but I would go further and say unless you plan to stop working for a long time marriage is also not the great financial benefit it’s cracked up to be. Yet still on thread after thread people parrot on “you should get married” as if it was a panacea to all women’s problems.

@Thepeopleversuswork i disagree with this bit. Though agree with the sentiment on the whole. Anyone getting married should understand the full picture of what they are entering into.

But I don’t think threads recommend marriage to women in all situations, without asking about the financial situation. Some individual posters might do. But I have noticed a distinct shift in the last 10 years. On here and in RL, where people do consider whether it’s the right thing or not, depending on the financial set up.

I also think we see more threads from women who are shocked to find the financial implications of divorce when they are the bigger earners or more financially secure.

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Underhisi · 27/01/2024 10:45

We had a 'big' wedding because we wanted to invite all of our large families but it wasn't the sort of money you are talking about.

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Thepeopleversuswork · 27/01/2024 10:46

Dapbag · 27/01/2024 10:37

@Thepeopleversuswork Your post sees marriage purely as a financial transaction as though love never has anything to do with it.

35 years into my marriage there have been periods of all those things that you make your vows about - sickness, health, richer, poorer - when one of us has supported the other through ill health, one earning, one not. In my case at least our marriage has created a team through thick and thin and it's not been about who got the most out of it financially.

Edited

A good marriage should be underpinned by love, sure, and a marriage without love is unlikely to survive.

But love is not the reason to get married and it isn’t sufficient on its own to make a marriage work. Going into a marriage thinking “we love each other and that’s all we need” without thinking about finances (which is most people seem to do) is incredibly reckless.

Historically, marriage was always about money and safeguarding family money and while it’s been dressed up for a society where people have far more autonomy over the choice of who to pair off with than they did, it’s fundamentally still at heart about money.

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Wadermellone · 27/01/2024 10:49

Dapbag · 27/01/2024 10:37

@Thepeopleversuswork Your post sees marriage purely as a financial transaction as though love never has anything to do with it.

35 years into my marriage there have been periods of all those things that you make your vows about - sickness, health, richer, poorer - when one of us has supported the other through ill health, one earning, one not. In my case at least our marriage has created a team through thick and thin and it's not been about who got the most out of it financially.

Edited

You can have a team without marriage though.

Marriage, at its core, is a legal and financial contract.

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LorlieS · 27/01/2024 10:52

@Thepeopleversuswork Well I'm now very happily married, despite us both working ft on awful wages. We rent privately and get by (just about!) We have a lot of time together as a family and both feel loved and valued.
My first marriage was to a wealthy man and we lived in a beautiful house, snazzy holidays, no money worries, husband was very keen for me to become a SAHM. No thanks!
He turned out to be an abusive narcissistic. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did.

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innerdesign · 27/01/2024 10:53

@Thepeopleversuswork think a marriage is variously either a) an excuse for an expensive party with a white dress or b) a sign of commitment.

It is neither. It is basically income insurance


Tbf, it is all of these

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LorlieS · 27/01/2024 10:54

@Wadermellone You have described my second marriage to a tee (see my above post about my first!)
My second husband is financially "poor" but emotionally incredibly "rich."
My first husband was the total opposite.
We are happy in a way I never experienced with my ex.

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MCOut · 27/01/2024 11:00

My point was not that you haven’t worked hard for your two houses. My point was that this is a non-issue in the grand scheme of things. Personal debt has risen by a third due to cost of living alone, something like a third of 25 to 30 yo are still living with their parents, and you seem to really think a major cause of young couples financial struggles are gadgets and cost of weddings. This really does not make sense.

The couples who are having tens of thousands of pounds worth of wedding can largely afford it. You will not know the ins and outs of peoples financial situation, so maybe the couples that you know are like your children and are aware that they will benefit from some sort of generational wealth.

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FrangipaniBlue · 27/01/2024 11:06

Big fancy weddings are a waste of money, but then they don't need to be big and fancy.

A marriage costs nothing but time and commitment.

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TheGenerousPHILAMPERIST · 27/01/2024 11:28

MCOut · 27/01/2024 11:00

My point was not that you haven’t worked hard for your two houses. My point was that this is a non-issue in the grand scheme of things. Personal debt has risen by a third due to cost of living alone, something like a third of 25 to 30 yo are still living with their parents, and you seem to really think a major cause of young couples financial struggles are gadgets and cost of weddings. This really does not make sense.

The couples who are having tens of thousands of pounds worth of wedding can largely afford it. You will not know the ins and outs of peoples financial situation, so maybe the couples that you know are like your children and are aware that they will benefit from some sort of generational wealth.

Personal debt has risen by a third due to cost of living alone, something like a third of 25 to 30 yo are still living with their parents, and you seem to really think a major cause of young couples financial struggles are gadgets and cost of weddings


The reason "peronal debt" rises is that people try to run before they can walk,

Other than borrowing money to buy a property or business there is no real reason to borrow money and paying interest on it.

Our children stayed with us until they had close to 40% depsoits and money after that in the bank and what you could define as far as possible, secure jobs.

We wanted a nice detached house,a big/new Range Rover, and travel first class and not work. Sadly, that was not reality at the time so we started off with a humble, terraced house that needed doing up, made do with buying year old used cars, and worked and NEVER paid a penny in interest to a CC company or any other lender other than the mortgage - via hard work and sensible spending/saving we gradually moved up to where we are - sadly, too many people want everything now but have little in the bank and come an unexpected situation, they tunr to borrowing - so a lot of it, not all is self inflicted, IMO
(To be clear I'm not talking about the infirm/frail/reduced-ability people)

I'm talking about on the whole those that can work and try to run before they can walk come spending. Thanks

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Cosyblankets · 27/01/2024 11:41

You had a big bash
You're still together
Mind your own business about other people's weddings! It's up to them how they celibrate it and how much they spend

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TheBayLady · 27/01/2024 11:52

A few years ago here on MN i got hammered after saying that i thought it was ridiculous that a young couple near me spent £25k on a wedding then another £10 to take their child to disney land as their honeymoon and were then so skint they had to move in with here mother. MN told me i was awful and that i should be happy they had the day they( she) wanted. How times change. By the way they are now divorcing.

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MCOut · 27/01/2024 11:58

Right… so research is saying that debt has recently rose sharply because of the cost of food and fuel, but you naturally knowing better are saying that people have no reason to borrow money. I guess people should stop buying food and fuelling their homes in your world. Perspective OP. Most debt is not caused by extravagance.

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Wellhellooooodear · 27/01/2024 12:02

So let me get this right. You and your children had big expensive weddings and that's fine but not for other people? Am I reading this correctly?

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