The dad privilege checklist

[Iis]

I saw this linked to on a Reddit thread and I see so many similar threads here I thought I’d share it. Many people advise to share with their husbands the blog post ‘my husband left his glass next to the dishwasher’ or something like this, but this may help as well.

If you don’t want to click an unknown link just google the dad privilege check list Zawn Villines.

https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist

If this is true for your partner, you have a sh!t partner.

But some of these are really stretching, and/or have an equal but opposite statement.

You do parties, he does DIY
You plan holidays, he'll do the driving
You don't get thanks for housework, does he?

You breastfeed... can he?
Lol, saying that him not doing that is a male privilege is a cheap shot.

6/100 of these are birthday-related, which happens one day a year.

Not knowing milestones (e.g. teething), is inconsequential.

And I don't know any man who let's their wife book tradesmen, DIY is a male pride thing.

Wrapping holiday presents, school committees, who does that?...

You don't know many men then do you!!

I do all the DIY, driving and towing caravan as dh can't drive and isn't confident with tools. I also research, plan and book the holidays.

You're entirely missing the point of the list.

It isn't that a man can't bf so how can he do it, it is that she does it and it is invisible labour. Women are just expected to do it with little or no recognition.

I do all the diy, I book all the tradespeople. I sort my own car. Saying these are "men's jobs" ignore that a) a lot of men don't do them, and b) they are not equivalent to the emotional labour being described with raising children.
I saw a man at the dentist with his young boys recently. So, great he was at the dentist with them. He was asked their dates of birth and goodness he struggled with this. His own dc.

The dad at the dentist example is an illustration of why not knowing stuff - like dates of birth, milestones, etc matters. You do need to know things and you get asked about these things by HCPs when you see them.

I’d be absolutely mortified if I struggled to answer questions about my children’s date of birth or such like.

I loved my dad - best dad ever. Fun and supportive and involved. But, yes, I remember him struggling to remember my date of birth. I’d be ashamed if I couldn’t remember that basic fact about my kids. The two most important dates in my life. Giving birth is a huge deal.

I don’t think there’s much victim blaming going on (no doubt there’s the odd post so I won’t say none!) - more a sentiment of, if your partner is shit, then leave them. Why stick around and be resentful and unhappy? A lack of understanding of why women put up with feckless husbands. (Im not talking about more complicated abusive situations in which there is a whole lot more to worry about than who wraps the presents.)

I would like to thank the OP for introducing me to that blogger lady, her site has given me some good cackles this evening.

TIL trans women have dad privilege for not being able to breastfeed their children.
Very based 🤣

I don't agree with the entire list but several points definitely ring true.
I used to notice when we went out anywhere, DH checklist for leaving the house : wallet, phone, keys, hat (beanie in the winter, cap in the summer)
Sometimes hed get really impatient with me taking too long to get ready or leave. I remember once we went to the beach and he had his wallet, phone, keys, hat checklist while I sorted out beach mats, towels, hats for the kids etc and a million other things. Then we would be 5 min down the road and he'd ask "have we got sunscreen? what about sun hats for the kids? "

I know there'll be people who say leave him to it, or get him to pack. I tried that, wed arrive with hardly anything and waste half a day (and money) buying stuff we already had at home!

Similar @Fizbosshoes . I remember the first time we took DD abroad and I was super stressed thinking about nappies and food and taking formula through passport control. I had big mental checklists going on.

I mentioned one night about this checklist and ex simply said "oh I'm just not going to worry about it". I can remember thinking "oh he's right I shouldn't be worrying about it either." Then it hit me that one of us HAD to worry about it and it turned out it was going to be me.

Motherhood is indeed mandatory.

And yet there's an epidemic of men around 50 committing suicide.

Women are more likely to attempt suicide and also more likely to be diagnosed with depression.

Men are more successful when attempting suicide. The means they choose are often more likely to end in death. In the US, they are more likely to use firearms.

It is not women's fault that men hesitate to go to a doctor to address depression - they have set up the toxic machismo that has trapped them, and the binary in which all things feminine are considered weak while all things masculine are considered strong and valuable (including steering clear of doctors of all stripes).

Exactly. If more people took spl then things would be more equal. The opportunity for weaponised incompetence with child-rearing would be less. More men might work part-time. There could be an impact on the gender pay gap.

Women want to be the ones to stay home and either not work, or work part-time. And so it continues. And we end up with lists like this.

It’s mad. Women aren’t born knowing this stuff. They learn and get on with it. Yet these poor men, of reasonable intelligence and functioning in the workplace, need ‘training’. Bless them.

When we came through customs in the airport once, my husband was randomly stopped and asked the dates of birth of the kids. Imagine if he didn’t know!

This is how things usually go:

Couple get married - the man does a reasonably good job of demonstrating that he's housetrained, can brush his teeth, hold down a job and perhaps even work the washing machine. He may even be able to cook a couple of meals. Woman thinks "yeah, he's okay, I can cope with this".

Brief honeymoon period the children start arriving. Man scuttles off to work each day and doesn't really think about what's going on at home ignores his wife's stress. Woman starts to realise that motherhood is actually really hard work, boring and mentally draining especially when junior number two turns up and things get even harder. No family around to ease the burden or offload to. Meanwhile the man expects his wife to return to work to help cover the mortgage and bills, so she ends up with even more to do. The balance tips in completely the wrong direction and his marriage is living on borrowed time now.

The couple potters on like this for a while whilst the resentments and hurt build up. She's always tired, overwhelmed and unfulfilled and he can't understand why she's not the carefree, alluring female he married. He starts to look elsewhere and finds another woman. Wife is dropped in it and finds herself alone with two or three children to deal with, having to support them by herself and hold down a job. She gets angry. Ex husband sees the anger and labels her a 'crazy ex'. Marries woman number two and the cycle starts again.

All because he couldn't be arsed to grow up and take equal responsibility for the children he wanted and helped to produce. If you want to have the privilege of passing your genes on you have to pay the price by putting the work in, not leaving it to someone else.

The dad privilege in that situation is that he’d likely get some flexibility on this. Poor, hapless man who doesn’t know his own children’s dates of birth, etc.

Whereas a mother in the same situation would be met with radically increased suspicion because how could she now know her own children’s dates of birth?

how have we arrived at the point where dads "get a pass" or its seen as a bit humorous that he doesnt know his kids date of birth, or what school year they're in? I agree people would be appalled if a mother didn't know that about their own kids

When DS was born, we received a gift of a vest which said something like 'instructions for dad' and then had arrows pointing upwards saying 'head' and then to the left and right with 'arms'.

Apparently we were supposed to find it funny.

Correction. Replace people with other women.

Had disagreements with ex-DW over not helping with children's party planning. Happy to do the 20% child related but in reality 80% of the time/cost was the female equivalent of willy-waving.

Aren't you a star. It's a social contract isn't it - birthdays, funerals, weddings all involve things that are for the benefit of all those attending, along with a bit of personal pride in how it looks.

“scuttles off to work”

= Goes out daily to exchange his labour to earn money to feed, clothe and house his family.

Yeah, just like women (and mothers) do and look after everyone's needs at the same time.

No, scuttles off to work whilst ignoring what's going on at home. Don't forget the mother is expected to return to work as well at some point. Men rarely seem to provide these days judging by posts on here. It's not the 1950s. Double income is generally needed to run a home now.

There's actually a thread running now where some hapless woman is being fleeced and manipulated into giving her dh money she can't afford whilst earning mw and running the home. And her name isn't even on the house deeds! Damp council flat at age 50 anyone?