The dad privilege checklist

[Iis]

I saw this linked to on a Reddit thread and I see so many similar threads here I thought I’d share it. Many people advise to share with their husbands the blog post ‘my husband left his glass next to the dishwasher’ or something like this, but this may help as well.

If you don’t want to click an unknown link just google the dad privilege check list Zawn Villines.

https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist

Biggest dad privilege: You can walk away from your children, never contact them again, try not to pay a penny towards them, and be sure they will be well looked after, housed, clothed, fed, educated, taken on holidays, taught to drive and eventually sent off to uni. Someone will love them. You never need to check if they are even alive. And if you are really lucky the courts will give you a large amount of money to speed you on your way.

I'd have gladly gone back to work FT if I had a DH who did the stuff in the list like many men do.

Personally, I see the ability to go back to work and sustain a career after having a child as an enormous privilege that many women do not have.

My god, I miss my career. I worked so hard for so many years thinking I could have a child and come back and balance everything.

In my experience, the working mothers who thrive are ones who have involved grandparents who pick up some of the slack. Or can afford an excellent nanny.

And you can probably get away with blaming the childrens’ mother. Somehow. And many people won’t question that.

@CunkEverywhereOnEverything yes, it’s bizarre how lone mothers are stigmatised (not so much these days) but it’s fine to be a deadbeat absent dad. The mothers are the ones holding everything together!

I think the stigma is down to the idea that abandoned mums must be living off the state. But 1) the dad should be paying (often they don’t) and 2) many lone mums are working. I have always worked. Never was a SAHM. I did have to get an au pair when my ex-husband left and just had to pay for that too.

I don’t think it is perceived as laudable to be a “deadbeat dad” - the term “deadbeat” kind of gives that away.

We didn't have spl - not a thing then - but dp both was a sahd for a year and has also been pt when I was ft. This has had benefits in terms of his competence in looking after the dc, not needing instructions all the time. It didn't sadly change the dynamic of me being in charge of everything else, and rushing around after my ft job to do things that didn't occur to him needed doing.

I would add to the list:

Good parents constantly horizon scan and risk assess for serious threats to the child and take reasonable precautions to mitigate risk to the child.

Nobody notices when dads don't do this, even if there are terrible consequences.

Obviously the deadbeat dads don’t call themselves that. They will just say how their crazy ex kicked them out and won’t let them see the kids - and people will accept that, even though it’s seldom the real story. Amazing how many “crazy women” there are who dads happily leave in sole charge of their kids. And the kids turn out fine.

The deadbeat dads identify as good fathers (and usually as previously fantastic husbands/partners) who are the victim of these evil women doing all the work and raising their children with no support.

All too often the rest of the world takes an entirely uncritical affirmation only approach to this self-identification and shrieks about burning the witch etc.

My ex ticked a lot of boxes on that list.
I would add the following:
"If my kids get sick someone else will take care of them"
"If I get sick someone else will take care of the kids"
"If my partner gets sick I will not be expected to take care of her"

That's OK - I've had the rage since turning 42 and even child free....

Doesn't resonate with me either. Tbh in our circle of friends, I can't say anyone is like this either. My ds is attending a party today, organised by the dad!

And by people, you are speaking about women. I find women to be another woman's worst enemy.

There was a thread a while back. Called something like 'If you dont work you're so lucky'. Quite a few posters came out the woodwork to say how they felt blessed to work PT (or not at all) and could do all their hobbies/gym etc due to having married a high earning partner/guy with his own business. Plenty of "my SIL is rich and hasn't worked a day in her life, I'm so jealous".

Also a fair few chipping in to say they couldn't work for health reasons and hated it, so it defo cuts both ways. But in cases where one partner is living the life of Riley and the other working 80 hours a week, the former is always a woman and the latter is always a man. No woman seems to want to bankroll an attractive male to chill and hang out with his mates all day.

So, I kinda see it both ways tbh. Can't be great fun being stuck in an office on a Wednesday while your wife enjoys her free time, knowing you've got another 35 years of this and you'll be able to join her one day, when you're a pensioner.

Yup. This is actually pretty accurate IME. No bloke would give a shit unless the kid was downright dishevelled.

But he can't have forced you not to work? You made that choice.

Is this what most people call 'keeping an eye on your kids and making sure the toddler isn't putting stones in their mouth'? Because if so then again I agree that men are generally held to much lower standards for this and its a real and genuine inequality but again I find the overblown language unhelpful and think it undermines the case.

The list doesn't resonate with me at all but unfortunately, I think I'm definitely in the minority.

Why shouldn't we use "fancy" language to describe an important skill? Because women do it? If it was part of a man's paid employment you can bet it would have a fancy name!

Great list and why I'd make such a wonderful dad!

Men like this work such unnecessary hours because of the power and control status and money affords them in every sphere of life.
They are certainly not hard done by little dears.

This is an area where men are expected to conform to giving 110% and going beyond and all that trash, a sort of corporate peer pressure, which I think is a situation where - if this is caused by what we might call “patriarchy” - ALSO disadvantages men.

the patriarchy is bad for everyone, ultimately.

But there are men who derive advantages and status from having a wife who doesn’t work and lives a life of lunches and Pilates classes. That includes the ability to play the martyr and hold it over her that he works so hard so she can have nice handbags (or whatever).

There are trade-offs all over the place.

I agree, how bloody depressing.

Another woman thinking they have hit the jackpot but the reality is they are parenting a man child, who by luck happens to be biddable.

Interesting. I don’t think I could have had a child if I thought the father was going to be like the one described in the checklist.

I generally sort play dates as I’m on the class WhatsApp and DP isn’t but he takes to all the parties, does a bit more cooking than me, has been known to shop for clothes and shoes for DD and replies to most of the school letters.

I think we have it 50:50.

Anyone who feels taken advantage of needs to try to address the imbalance as soon as possible.