The dad privilege checklist

[Iis]

I saw this linked to on a Reddit thread and I see so many similar threads here I thought I’d share it. Many people advise to share with their husbands the blog post ‘my husband left his glass next to the dishwasher’ or something like this, but this may help as well.

If you don’t want to click an unknown link just google the dad privilege check list Zawn Villines.

https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist

That's bonkers and untrue.

It's not simply about clicking a button on Amazon, though, is it?

It's about remembering who/the age you're buying for, the card and the present and the wrapping, the date and time of the party, dressing child appropriately for the party/activity, travel arrangements there and back, ensuring the diary is free/juggling other arrangements...

Or for the optician/dentist it's remembering who needs to go when, any issues, diary clashes, transport.

They're all small things in isolation and no big deal, but when put together in a realistic package they take thought and consideration (that most of us do unconsciously). If you multiply that (because there's never just one thing to thing about, there are always many), that's a considerable amount of "mental load" and bandwidth used up, especially if you have more than one child or work.

Not sure why you'd shame people who say their husband isn't the same by giving it a snappy internet phrase like "not my nigel", it was posted on an internet forum so people who click it and read are ofcourse going to share if their husband doesn't fit it, just seems a bit gender swapped incel-ish to use the word nigel, next you'll be talking about chads.

Edited to add, it screams of comfort and lack of understanding of how women struggled to say women are no better than they were 100 years ago, women couldn't open a bank account without authorisation of their husband 100 years ago, marital rape was legal, beating your wife was treated much more leniently, women often had to have 5+ children because having sex was their womanly duty and they had limited contraception, the list goes on. There are still struggles to overcome, but it's very insulting to women 100 years ago to act like those women wouldn't have cut off their left hand to have the lives women have today.

One partner would perform some tasks better, there is nothing controversial about this. We just specialise in different areas. I can't imagine him organising kids to school but he does all of the homework on the other hand.

Same.

The bits that did resonate with me were around societal expectations etc.

@SweetBirdsong And why shouldn't women say 'my husband isn't like that'? It doesn't change society as a whole but there are millions of women who expect and demand an equal partner and there are millions of men who are keen to be one. It's unhelpful to pretend that all men are shit and all partnerships are unequal because then what hope do women have of better? If you claim that all men are shit then the choice for women seems to be either put up with a useless partner or go it alone.

In what way?

My advice for anyone in this situation...

Prioritise self-respect and enforce your boundaries without apology.

There are 2 sides to every coin. Recognise and take responsibility for your part in your life's outcomes, including the choices you make about whom you let in. It's down to you to discern and decide wisely.

Moaning won't get you anywhere. Real empowerment comes from confronting hard truths and acting with courage, even when it's uncomfortable.

I don’t recognise my husband or my life in that at all.

If that list was my life, I’d leave him and be single. We work together to run the house and raise the children, even though I’ve always been a SAHM. He doesn’t need to be told to do anything, he just does it. He cooks, cleans, does the food shop (we plan it together, he does it), he always got up and got the milk for he babies in the night when he was working the next day so I could then feed them without leaving the bed. He ferries them to activities.

We are pretty equal, especially in terms of housework and home related things (in fact, I’d say he does more, especially when the children are very young).

You’ve not quite understood this have you. Bless.

Wow. This is absolutely loaded with emotion and bias, lumping everyone's experiences together. The 'not my Nigel' defence doesn't negate the fact that individual dynamics can be complex and varied, it's simply people highlighting their experiences. It is inspiring to see that in many cases, people are actually striving for balance and equality in their relationships. Generalising and venting might feel good in the moment, but it does nothing to address the real, nuanced issues at hand.

This all resonates with me, I married in my early 20’s before I realised any of this existed. I basically just followed what my own parents modelled and now my eyes have been opened far too late. I only discovered mumsnet when my DC was born.
People are clearly misunderstanding the “motherhood is mandatory” line. They mean once women become a mother, motherhood is mandatory. Once men become fathers, society thinks it’s ok for him to check out and never bother with his children again.

Surely this is unequal. You split household chores and parenting 50/50 yet your husband is the family breadwinner while you are a SAHM. He has to work and bear the financial responsibility of supporting the family and also comes home to chores and parenting. Seems more 75/25 split.

You think that if a mother stays at home, men should never need to parent or do housework?

Same here. We do have a pretty equal setup, if anything he does more than me overall although the mental load part is about 80% mine. But whatever we manage to achieve in our own homes and families, we can't fix the wider expectations. So that was the sobering part for me. I did also have a brief feeling of being 'lucky' which as others have pointed out relates to how low the bar is.

Bitter nonsense at that.

Just write a list of parenting and domestic or 'adult life' tasks and use them as a checklist if you like.

Some of these apply to dh, some apply to me.

Also all the stuff about being criticised is very paranoid. Plus where in society are we praising deadbeat dad's?

I'm all for recognising the patriarchal stranglehold on the lives of women and girls. A less hysterical, shorter list might have served that cause but even then it would be difficult to avoid gross generalisation.

My husband doesn’t see it like that though. This is half his house to take care of, they are his children too. yes, he works but he really doesn’t see the house and family as my sole responsibility even though I am a SAHM.

I am the children’s mother, not his, is what he says.

So no, he’s never questioned coming home from work and then going straight out to Tesco, or cooking a meal (not every meal but I’d say half and half or we do it together as we both enjoy cooking together), or tidying up a room that he sees is messy. He just does those things because we are a family unit.

I can hear him giving the bathroom a quick going over now while I am waiting for our toddler to wake up next to me. We both just do stuff that we see needs doing.

This is amazing! And yet I think there's still more? School choices research, school start preparation, homework help, teacher liaison, parents evenings, uniform buying/ironing etc?
GCSE subject choices? Career research?
School friend issues discussion/consideration/support?
Etc etc etc

Sad thing is, my mum is the list. My wonderful dad was all the things mum should have been. He passed 3 years a go. A tremendous guy, you all would have loved him.

My dh ticks a few of these, not many. Alternatively I never have to think about the bin going out, any repairs around the houses, petrol in the car

It's just the way jobs have evolved in our house. We have a fairly good balance
Obviously if your children's fathers ticks loads on the list then you have a problem

This is so unhelpful. I don't feel at all like this with my dh. Meet better people is my answer . My husband is gold, because he is just a nice human.

The parenting is a 24 hour job!!

The reason I can’t relate to much of the list is that I decided as a teen in the eighties that I would never run round a man. Because I saw my working mum run ragged, slaving after my dad when we were kids. He did nothing other than his job. I was incensed at the unfairness.

So I set ground rules as soon as we were married and have shared everything since. I do wonder what my kids will do. They have seen us have the most equal share of tasks out of anyone we know. Both working full time, both doing school pickups, laundry and cooking. I wonder if they will go down the conventional route. I sure hope not.

Of course I was lucky that my husband was similar-minded and saw no reason to sit back whilst I ran around doing everything. And he didn’t change once kids arrived. I would have left if he had expected me to cook and clean for us. That’s my dealbreaker.

This list made me angry in behalf of all the mums out there doing everything, married to lazy dicks, weaponising the shit out of their incompetence.

I’m ashamed to say that DH ticks most of these boxes. Like sometimes me else said, I married young and he is 8 years older than me so I didn’t know to set boundaries early on in our relationship. I’m (and this is another thing I am doing) making sure I teach DS (14) to be better.

I’d also add:

When I decide to get a dog, I will immediately delegate all dog care, walking and training to my wife which will have the added bonus of said dog going to my wife for all of his needs but I am entitled to become upset when our dog clearly prefers my wife.

If’s an amusing joke to call my full time working wife ‘a shit housewife’ (he got severely called out be me and my 2 best friends for that one).

Once I am sat down for the night, it is impossible for me to move and much easier for my wife, who is still pottering about, to fetch me drinks and snacks (again he gets called out on this but appears to genuinely think it’s reasonable).

I just went away for over a week with work. Didn't leave any instructions. Came home and everyone still alive and they had done all their clubs, been to school in clean uniform, been to a birthday party , done the shopping etc. and he works full time.

Good men are out there but it's also about setting the right expectations from day 1. A lot of women , even before kids , take on a short of caring role with men- maybe to try to make them like them?