The dad privilege checklist

[Iis]

I saw this linked to on a Reddit thread and I see so many similar threads here I thought I’d share it. Many people advise to share with their husbands the blog post ‘my husband left his glass next to the dishwasher’ or something like this, but this may help as well.

If you don’t want to click an unknown link just google the dad privilege check list Zawn Villines.

https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist

That is remarkable. And so true

...and now I have the rage.

Bloody hell. So true. I feel angry too.

My ex could tick a huge amount f them. The ones he couldn't are because I stopped or refused to keep doing those tasks like his washing, stuff for his family. Depressing.

Irrationally I found myself feeling good about my relationship because my partner ticks only a few of these. What a tit I am, I really need to have a word with myself, and he with himself, about that insanely low bar.

Thank you for the excellent link, I'll be printing that checklist

It's an interesting list. So many things you just never consider, like parties and activities.

DH comes out pretty good, and being honest if he compared me, I think we are probably evens... I do the parties, presents, organising and he does the ferrying about to activities, all the food shopping, cooking, thinking about dinner/lunches etc

What a load of nonsense 😂😂😂

Our oldest son is adhd and asd - he got his diagnosis when he was about 7 or 8, after reports from the school. I took him to all the appointments, tests ect. Dh has zero involvement in any of this. Once he had the diagnosis I got disability funding sorted for him, and have gotten him a good OT and psychologist. Again, dh had no involvement in any of this. DH has an older son (25) who has self diagnosed himself with adhd and a range of other things. He is now directing anger at dh as ‘you got ds14 a diagnosis but you didn’t bother getting me one’. Dh even told him he had zero involvement in the diagnosis. He knows he had nothing to do with it. He doesn’t even self reflect and think, hang on maybe I should have been involved in that. (Incidentally with his son the school didn’t ever raise issues with us except a hearing disorder when he was 10 which was looked into - by me. I took him to a specialist and got a report done for school that his mother said was a load of crap)

“Motherhood is mandatory”. Really?

That sums up the father of my 3 children.

If you're a mother, yes, barring exceptional circumstances.

Not at all true in this house ....

Been here 20 years and that's never been my MO

That list is just hyperbolic click bait nonsense.

Mothers definitely get the raw deal by a country mile but fuck me the examples they've dreamt up

Zawn is fabulous. I recommend her stack subscription and her fb page for articles.

Tbh this doesn't resonate with me. DH and I split that list pretty much 50:50, and where there are things on it that I do and he doesn't, there are equally things not on the list (but just as important to the running of a household) that he does that I don't do...

But you don’t have to become a mother. It’s not mandatory. Obviously.

I think some of these are unfair. 'Someone other than me breastfeeds'...what exactly are men meant to do about that? I've heard a lot of judgement on both sides of the bottle vs breastfeeding debate...and its mainly women

After reading mumsnet though I've realised I'm really lucky, my husband organises the kids every morning, does most drop offs and pick ups, sorts all their clubs, activities, wraparound, school payments, holiday clubs, books our holidays, sorts the bills etc. Supports me travelling in my career (which I earn less than him). Shares emergency leave for sick kids. Does more night wakings than me. Yes I do most things that require ideas (researching somewhere to visit, suggesting days out, cooking, and present buying but those are the jobs I enjoy the most out of household tasks, so think I've got the better 'deal'.

I knew he was a decent guy before we had kids but we never had discussions about how all this stuff would work so it was more chance than anything that I had kids with someone who didn't turn into a twat. I definitely think there should be wider discussions before people have kids about exactly how it will work (eg iron out who will do drop offs pick ups sick days night wakes, housework when on mat leave, how will hobbies look etc. As there seem to be loads of men who assume their career will continue exactly the same as before, and the woman will support this, and his numerous hobbies that he needs to do because he works so hard. It should be taught in schools, or there should be mandatory discussions before the marriage licence is granted

I get the general point but I do think that of genuinely your DP does none of those things you have massive problems.

And this is how it should be. But because it so often isn’t there will be people who read this as a brag. Rather than what it should be…the norm.

Glad you have the balance, ours definitely fluctuates. But hopefully by showing our daughters that these tasks should be shared they will more naturally gravitate to a balanced relationship.

It’s not just about his input though, there’s the societal expectations for each of you. I got bored reading the list, it felt very much an American SAHM list, but they have a point.

Exactly this.

The article is talking about mothers and fathers. So people who already are mothers and fathers. Hence her comment "motherhood is mandatory". So, no opting out once you've become a mother.

She doesn't mean everyone must become a mother. Stop reading into it something that isn't there.