Abusive ex stopped paying child support - cutting contact with his child until he does...Thoughts?

[Thepeppapigfanclub]

Sorry - long!

My ex is a nasty bully. My child is now at an age that he doesn't have to come into my house anymore to pick him up.

There was a nasty incident before Christmas when I had to phone the police (more of a precaution than anything else). Extreme measures- but I blocked him on my phone. He came around with an apology at new year - I unblocked him because he said we can't be 'no contact' because of child. (This was not my dream.) I did unblock him just to lead to more vitriolic abuse - so blocked him again.

His last bit of power over me is the child support, which he isn't paying now - partly because he thinks he's father of the year, and partly as a control device...IDK

What would you do if it was you? I know I'll get slated for saying this but I'm tempted to say he won't be having contact with his child until he coughs up. It's not classy or fair - but neither is what I've been through.

Has anybody got any advice? I accept that I'm really angry at the moment...

Don’t use your child as a pawn, it isn’t fair on them.
Are you going through official channels for non payment?

How old is your child? Does your child want to see him?

If the child is old enough and doesnt want to see him anyway, id be tempted to move away and block all contact.

I've never been in your position so I'm not sure whether this is bad advice or not.

You can't control his actions but you can control yours and saying no contact is using your child as a bargaining tool which isn't fair on them at all, even if their dad isn't paying, their relationship with their dad and how routinely they see them should be kept as stable as possible for your childs benefit. Go through the process you need to for child support, not easy I know but someone has to be the grown up in this situation.

The biggest favour you can do your child is to never use them, or involve them in arguments between parents.

It's the quickest way to fuck any child up.

If you are in the UK go via CMS.

Maintenance and contact are separate things.

what is usual in terms how often he sees him

but to answer your question

do not do this

It's a shitty situation but the two issues are separate:

1. For child support go through CMS for direct payments due to non-payment

1. Child access is not based on payment. However your child's safety needs considering if the incident you refer to affects this

His last bit of power over me is the child support,

and your “power” is access to his child

you are using your child as a weapon.
do not do it.

if he is known to get irate this will wind him up even more. Go through CMS.

contact is for your child too not just for the parent

Child is teenager and aware of problems but they bond over a special hobby. Child not daft and just plays other parent to own ends but obviously loves them too I imagine.

Obviously not keen on using my child as a pawn but equally FED UP of being the one who has had to try and negotiate this for so long. Why does he get to have all the rights without fulfilling his responsibilities and if I fight back, I'm the bad mother? It's awful.

I know you are all right, but after what I've been through it's so unjust and hard to not want to fight fire with fire. I know what you are saying. Might have to cast a spell instead then.

He's looking for a reaction from you so don't give him one. Don't mention it and just go via CMS.

if your child is a teenager

presumably he and his father have direct contact

and you couldn’t do a damn thing to stop him seeing his father anyway?

@Culabula353 Of course!!!! I'm such an idiot. I will not react. Thank you for saying this.

@notjustthe No I couldn't - and don't want want to really. Just sick of taking all this abusive - that I DO NOT DESERVE. We're talking extreme lengths because I've had 15 years of abuse.

As a pp said there’s little you can do to stop your teen having contact if they want to. Equally though do you really need to assist your teen in having contact, or do you think they can manage those arrangements themselves. If so block permanently and deny him entry to your home.

Don't use your kid as a weapon to get money from your ex. Put your child's needs above your own.

Child maintenance is only control over you if you let it be.
no child maintenance- go through official channels.
don’t mention it to him at all.

They are managing arrangements themselves - I do feel awful that it's come to this but I can't see any other way. I don't want to stop contact - but equally don't want to be refused child support as a form as punishment so that I am 'poor' and dad is the 'hero' rich guy. It absolutely stinks. I trust my child's judgement but wished to God I'd never met that man - and don't even have that or I wouldn't have my child.

And as you can see on this thread - if I stop contact until he pays, I am a awful. Not one one word about how awful the financial abuse is. He is allowed all the rights, but none of the responsibilities if it doesn't suit him.

Can you go through CMS? It's frustrating yes, but the stop the contact method isn't a good move I'm afraid

Oh don't think any of us don't think he's awful! I think that's a given. But you can't control him, you can only control your own actions. So a) don't give him the drama or reaction he's craving and b) do the right thing you can do by your child which is not blocking contact.

He's a dick, no question. You know it and we know it too. Just don't take the bait and stoop to his level. It's beneath you.

I’m in the same position OP except I was already going through CMS. I got a text the week before Christmas to say it was getting changed from £200 a month for two children to zero. It’s not fair. I sacrifice and struggle all the time, and he does whatever the fuck he wants including barely having anything to do with our children. I considered stopping all contact too. But I realised years ago that I have no control over his actions and nothing I do will force him to be a responsible father. You can’t control him. You can only control yourself and you’ll always feel better about taking the high road.

Once in secondary school I stopped all forms of communication with exh.
Block him in all ways.
And claim cms. Teenagers can manage their own plans ime.

I know it's shit. I've lived it.

But you can't do this. The court will frown upon it and it will also give him a weapon to manipulate your child against you. You have to play the long game.

Keep a clear record of all his communications and a timeline of events

Grey rock him as much as you can. Parallel parent don't try and co- parent.

Have a separate phone number for him or let him communicate through an intermediary.

Get CMS to collect the maintenance and pay to you (I know they are shit)

It's utterly awful how abusers continue to abuse even after we leave them