Abusive ex stopped paying child support - cutting contact with his child until he does...Thoughts?

[Thepeppapigfanclub]

Sorry - long!

My ex is a nasty bully. My child is now at an age that he doesn't have to come into my house anymore to pick him up.

There was a nasty incident before Christmas when I had to phone the police (more of a precaution than anything else). Extreme measures- but I blocked him on my phone. He came around with an apology at new year - I unblocked him because he said we can't be 'no contact' because of child. (This was not my dream.) I did unblock him just to lead to more vitriolic abuse - so blocked him again.

His last bit of power over me is the child support, which he isn't paying now - partly because he thinks he's father of the year, and partly as a control device...IDK

What would you do if it was you? I know I'll get slated for saying this but I'm tempted to say he won't be having contact with his child until he coughs up. It's not classy or fair - but neither is what I've been through.

Has anybody got any advice? I accept that I'm really angry at the moment...

a lot would be achieved by not drinking

sorry wrong thread

I've been this person. I'm not sure what kind of abuse you've been getting but mine was daily and absolutely destroying me mentally.

I got a non molestation order granted by the court and then contacted the child maintenance service. Do things properly and then people can't judge (although a few still do)

The non molestation order allows for him to only speak to me by written communication and only about the children. If he starts to give me abuse then he can be arrested and sent to prison for breaching. I had it once where he thought the order meant nothing and reported him for a breach. The police took it very seriously and listened to me. I asked them to speak to him as I didn't believe he thought it was serious. Since then we haven't had a single breach and he just talks to me about the children.

Child maintenance is paid on time every month.

Goodluck

What you can do is block your ex. Your teenager can manage seeing him. And like it or not it's not just your child. He has a father too, albeit a crap one.

Hey OP! I think this is my second ever comment on MN but I felt I needed to reach out. I don't really have very much advice and I actually don't think it would be very welcomed among the saints of MN but.. I understand your perspective 100% and understand that at this moment you are coming from a place of anger. I also understand your desire to take back some kind of control over the situation as it feels like you have none, but you can only control how you react and how much life you give his abuse. I would 100% cut all your personal contact with the guy as it isn't productive or beneficial for you or your mental health. It seams your son is old enough to make decisions for himself and to facilitate contact with his dad if he so chooses.
It would be interesting to know how your son feels about this whole situation.

Thanks so much @Nousername22. I appreciate that. My son knows he's an idiot but just plays along - it is his dad so he does love him.

I do just want to move on and forget about him full stop but it looks like I'm going to have the faff of sorting out child support now and God knows how he will react to that...badly is my guess.

I imagine it will be an absolute pain it the backside to sort out child support, but do it with your head held high. You have done nothing wrong your sound like a good mum and you've got this. You have manged for 15(?) years there's isn't that much longer to go before he is a fully fledged adult and you will need to have absolutely nothing to do with him. If he reacts badly then he reacts badly that's on him don't engage and let the correct authorities deal with him if necessary. It will annoy him much more if he doesn't think he has the power to 'affect' you and do you know what he doesn't. You have the power to decide what affects you and how.

were you married op?

Thank you @Nousername22. This has all been designed to provoke a reaction, which is why it is so annoying. (Also why I'm sounding off on here rather than giving him the satisfaction.) It does leave me worrying about the money...

I need to think of a lucrative side hustle - and fast ... too old for Only Fans or whatever it's called. 😂

Not providing for your child is neglect. If OP didn't give food, water, shelter etc the child would be removed from her.

Why do deadbeat dads get away with that? Neglect - no contact. I'm on your side OP.

Unless your DC really wants to see him. Neglect is abusive.

@notjustthe Thankfully not.

And thanks @RoomOfRequirement.

Children are not pay per view. Your ex sounds like a dick, don’t be one back.

I really feel for you op the last thing you need or should have to deal with is his financial control over you.
Get intouch with with the CMS sooner rather than later. From my understanding if you know some detail (ie work place, address etc) it should speed up the process of making a claim and may be assessed within 4 weeks.
I agree with @RoomOfRequirement by not providing the financial support he is required to then he's neglecting his son and it absolutely infuriates me.

I do know his address and DOB... don't know his national insurance number.

My choices now are either unblocking him and tell him to pay X or we can go through CM or just leave it until next weekend and if he hasn't just do it...

And thanks so much @Nousername22 - I do appreciate that a lot.

The fact that I am STILL having to deal with this is driving me absolutely insane. We haven't even been together since my child was a toddler. The child has been a lot less work than the father.

When is he due to pay? If he's due to pay this week then I would wait and see if he does and take it from there (but obviously that means he can still at any point stop payment) but if the due date has passed then I would start the claim straight away and then you don't have to deal with him at all. The money will come to you via CMS and then there's no threat of withholding future payments.

He was due to pay it the back end of last week. I think I will give him a few more days to 'see the light' and then start a claim. Doesn't sound like fun...

I can't imagine it will be fun at all to initially sort and set up. But once sorted it then there will be no threat to withhold the money hanging over your head and takes away even more power from him. They can even take it from his wages if he refuses to pay.

This is very true... Thank you for the advice.

Agreed. Just go through the CMS. I understand you are afraid of unleashing his wrath. That’s what he’s depending on.

Perfect!

is he a high earner?

how does your son respond when he’s seen his father lose it at you and the police arrive?

his reasoning is now - partly because he thinks he's father of the year, and partly as a control device

the bit about him thinking he’s father of the year contributing to him stopping maintenance … does this mean he thinks he pays for things directly for your son?