Abusive ex stopped paying child support - cutting contact with his child until he does...Thoughts?

[Thepeppapigfanclub]

Sorry - long!

My ex is a nasty bully. My child is now at an age that he doesn't have to come into my house anymore to pick him up.

There was a nasty incident before Christmas when I had to phone the police (more of a precaution than anything else). Extreme measures- but I blocked him on my phone. He came around with an apology at new year - I unblocked him because he said we can't be 'no contact' because of child. (This was not my dream.) I did unblock him just to lead to more vitriolic abuse - so blocked him again.

His last bit of power over me is the child support, which he isn't paying now - partly because he thinks he's father of the year, and partly as a control device...IDK

What would you do if it was you? I know I'll get slated for saying this but I'm tempted to say he won't be having contact with his child until he coughs up. It's not classy or fair - but neither is what I've been through.

Has anybody got any advice? I accept that I'm really angry at the moment...

Yes @notjustthe ...he was there. School informed etc... That was the point I decided that absolutely no contact was the only way forward for me.

Thanks @GaroTheMushroom. That isn't something I'd really considered tbh - I suppose just because this is the arrangement that's always been.

I'm fine with this one as long as he never enters my house again. Not so fine with him stopping the child support as a way of punishing me for having some boundaries.

And ... just to add insult to injury - I've been buying presents for his birthday for his son to give to him for obvious reasons. This whole things just stinks. It's a good job my child didn't turn out like (or isn't turning out like him) or I think I might have just ended it.

I'd be taking the presents back... son is old enough to understand that stuff costs money and if you have to figure your belt then stuff like that will go!

well that’s just martyrish op .

so your son saw and has seen in the past the police at his home and his father ranting and threatening his mother

and he still wishes to have a relationship with him?

how often does he and your son get together?

and in reality - how involved are you actually in these meet ups? surely everything is direct between father and son

Oh my goodness he was smashing stuff up and refusing to leave your house, and the police couldn’t/wouldn’t take it further? So angry on your behalf. There are a few arrestable and prosecutable offences in there and more important maybe, how exhausting for you having to deal with all this, not getting any redress and seeing your child still have contact with, politely, a not very nice dad. No wonder you are angry and frustrated. You are doing well to rise above it. Were your local domestic violence services any help? You should not have to be going through this.

It does seem a bit as if the OP can’t do right for doing wrong. She’s trying to promote a “normal” relationship between father and son, and clinging on to this “normality” in the face of the sort of abusive behaviour which literally can drive people mad.

Children aren't pay per view and the maintenance and contact are separate issues

Why aren't you going through CMS?

I'm not going through CMS @Nanny0gg because I haven't had to - I've always backed down and towed the line because I was afraid he would punish me like this if I stood my ground. This is new.

Thank you @greenbeansnspinach . I am glad at least one person can see my point of view. How I've managed to keep it together I don't know - but my son is so funny and clever so he gets me through - but Jesus. There is no end. 15 years of this! I didn't call DV charities because if the police can't deal with it - what can they do? And I wouldn't drain resources from people who need much more help than me.

This sort of behaviour is an attack on your soul - and it's designed to be - and that's what hurts the most. It's evil. I know my suggestion was unreasonable - but when someone has caused you so much damage, it's really hard to not want to retaliate. Sick of being the better person.

And @Zola1 - maybe 'per per view' might not be a bad idea.

op how often does your son normally see his father?

He has him every Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon as a rule.

Is your son safe with him? How does your son react when his dad kicks off?

so with him now?

Been there, done that re twat of an ex who didn't think he should pay towards children's costs (he was self self-employed, so no joy with CSA). I found it helped to keep reminding myself that my children were 50% their father. If I ever let them see that I hated him, I felt that they might think I loved them a little less because of this. I managed without any support and always encouraged the children (youngest was 14 when I finally kicked ex out and ex hasn't spoken a word to me since that day 🤣) to see as much of their dad as they could. I would only ever say positive things about him, ask how he was etc.They are all grown up and parents themselves now. They love their dad and me equally. They know I am reliable and turn to me when they need support. They have seen for themselves where their dad's life choices have seen him end up (almost 60, alone and living in a studio flat benefit payment to benefit payment). He is still nasty and bitter about me, to the point where they joke about it. I have never had to say a bad word about him. The best revenge is to be happy 🥰 I have never regretted my choices. My kids are better for having their dad in their lives even if he is a twat

I don't understand why you don't go through cms today.

You are angry enough to stop contact with your son but not to do the paperwork to set up payments. You were afraid to do so incase he punished you like he is now, but he's now doing it anyway so SET IT UP. Worst case you get nothing and he is pissed off, just like now.

Yes he may leave his job and try to cheat the system but think how much it will grind his gears that you have taken that step and lost that control. You blocked him so you can't even react to his drama. He will HATE it.

I would also suggest that you seek a restraining/non molestation order based on done of the actions you have described. Surely there is enough evidence for this.

You need to gain control here. Yes you may not get any cash from him, but you will be free!! Stop accomodating him, stop buying him gifts. He is not your friend, get him away from you, protect yourself.

Be honest but age appropriate with your son about him. Don't mouth off but don't protect your ex from the consequences and truth of his actions. If your son has witnessed his actions then this shouldn't be hard, give your son the tools he needs to recognise unacceptable behaviour.

@Thepeppapigfanclub Hi, I get why you’re keeping your head down re CSA and DV support in case of retribution and not wanting to use resources. And it’s beyond exhausting for you. It does sound to me, though, without knowing which area you’re in (I’m obviously not asking 😊) that possibly the police in your area are not as clued up and on the ball as they should be. An arrest could and should have been made following the last incident. Domestic violence services would see you as being extremely eligible for their help. They usually work to advocate with the police for people going through what you are, so that you might get a much better response with an advocate by your side. It’s only a suggestion. Expect you’re fed up of people telling you what they think you ought to do and being annoyed when you don’t do it!

Multiple people have said children aren't pay per view and your latest comment is to say you think pay per view is a good idea!

Your son has a right to see his father. Unless your ex puts your son at risk. You are absolutely wrong to think about restricting this.

You need to have zero contact with your ex - you need to protect yourself.

Start by changing where they meet - your ex can pick your son up from a public / neutral space near your house. Explain to your son that after what happened recently you don't want any contact with his dad.

You absolutely should contact DV charities as you keep describing his treatment of you as abuse. They can advice on how best to get him out of your life for good - pursue a restraining order for one.

And of course CMS!

Don't try to punish your ex. But you can and should protect yourself. This is an important lesson for your son to learn too. That when people treat you badly that you have a right to protect yourself.

@TigerJoy ''you keep describing his treatment of you as abuse''

Yes I do keep describing his behaviour as abusive - because it is.

I AM no contact with the ex. I have explained to my child why I'm no contact with the ex.

And yes - at this point in time I am so angry that I think if these idiot men had their rights taken away, it might wake them up to their responsibilities. Shoot me! They face absolutely no consequences for their actions - I hope you never have to find out for yourself. That being said - it probably won't be a problem for you because you, by the sounds of it, are quite the expert.

So if a man decides that he doesn’t want to see his children anymore he shouldn’t have to pay maintenance for them then? As that’s what you are saying, works both ways.

If after reading this thread your thoughts are with the dad - that's your problem.

And of course that wasn't what I was fucking saying. I'm at my wits end!!!!

* I am so angry that I think if these idiot men had their rights taken away, it might wake them up to their responsibilities.*

they can’t have their “rights taken away” if their 15 year old son messages them directly and they meet up. It doesn’t make sense op