Abusive ex stopped paying child support - cutting contact with his child until he does...Thoughts?

[Thepeppapigfanclub]

Sorry - long!

My ex is a nasty bully. My child is now at an age that he doesn't have to come into my house anymore to pick him up.

There was a nasty incident before Christmas when I had to phone the police (more of a precaution than anything else). Extreme measures- but I blocked him on my phone. He came around with an apology at new year - I unblocked him because he said we can't be 'no contact' because of child. (This was not my dream.) I did unblock him just to lead to more vitriolic abuse - so blocked him again.

His last bit of power over me is the child support, which he isn't paying now - partly because he thinks he's father of the year, and partly as a control device...IDK

What would you do if it was you? I know I'll get slated for saying this but I'm tempted to say he won't be having contact with his child until he coughs up. It's not classy or fair - but neither is what I've been through.

Has anybody got any advice? I accept that I'm really angry at the moment...

That’s not completely true. I was going through CMS and my ex is still paying me zero. As much as I’ve tried to distance myself from him, he does have the power to make my life and the lives of our children harder by refusing to pay any child maintenance and barely seeing them.

Oh god. You aren't awful. His behaviour is totally grim and I get the temptation. But I have never regretted keeping the moral high ground.

Do you have a therapist? It you can, through work or GP, I definitely recommend it. Mine helps me process these incidents and rise above them

It's utterly draining isn't it. I thought I was escaping when police helped me live him. Turns out the abuse just twists and changes.

I've worked very hard to get overtime /promotions to ensure I depend less on his maintenance. But I realise that absolutely isn't always possible.

Do not stop contact because that’s stooping to his level.

Just don’t go out of your way to facilitate contact.

Go through CMS and get the payments taken directly off him.

I completely understand how you feel and why you want to do it but he will turn it around and say that you stopped him seeing his child and he’ll look like an angel and have people feeling sorry for him.

I could never and would never use my kids as ammunition in an argument with my ex. The end.

Neither of you have 'rights'

Those lie with the child....what does your kid want?

Your ex is an arsehole no arguments, but children aren’t pay per view and it would be totally wrong to stop contact for financial reasons.

Sadly the best way to end contact is for ds to see his df for who he is and dump him. My 2 ds's were teens and dumped their useless df..

You're not awful and your ex sounds despicable. I understand why the thought of stopping contact has occured to you.

Can I ask why you haven't been through CMS before? I know it's a substandard organisation and I don't know anyone who's had a positive experience with them per se (my 'award' is £9 per month for twin DC, whilst he struts around working cash in hand, running scams and generally being a prick) and I wish he'd fall off a cliff after everything he's put us through and everything he has failed to do...

But, we aren't the first women to have pushed through crappy circumstances and shitty exes and, lamentable, we are so far from being the last.

💚

Go through the correct channels for your maintenance.
Since your child is old enough, no, you will not need to be texted by the lunatic
Could it be emailed instead?
Another family member like grandparents to take on his communication.
Do not feed into his bs
Yes, the dad gets away with it, but why is he still dead set on tormenting you?
Are you actually taking steps to piss him off by no reaction.
Pity the poor barstard, I say.

Like the other have said, don't use your child as a weapon. Yes it's frustrating but don't sink to his level. Block him again on everything and contact CMS. Your child is a teenager there is no need for you to be stuck in the middle of their arrangements or have any contact with the ex at all regardless of what he says.

My DHs ex is also an abusive, manipulative arsehole. If it wasn't for my DSD5 he'd absolutely be no contact. Even then he has her blocked on several platforms. He ignores all her irrelevant messages and we're now at the point that they barely communicate unless there's a change to the schedule. A lot of transitions are done at school. We don't even answer the door when she drops DSD off, DSD just walks in herself.

I have a 17yo DSS as well and DH has always just contacted him directly. He lives with us full-time now anyway.

Kids aren't daft. I'm sure your DS is quite aware that his dad's a dick but teens can be selfish and he'll be milking his dad for whatever he can get. My DSS dislikes his mum and over the last year or so has really opened his eyes to the kind of person she is. But, he's still taking up her offer to take him on holiday, still sees her on birthdays and Xmas and every couple of months or so when she offers to take him to a cafe or drop off a takeaway he'll accept. He knows which of his parents truly have his back though.

I guess it hasn't come to this before because he's charming when he wants to be and because I needed him to pay the money - so have accepted less than great treatment. I know it sounds awful but you have to do what you can to survive.

When I had to have the police around before Christmas and my child was let down, crying and then assistance from the police I drew my line in the sand.

You're all right - I just need to hold my nerve now and find another way. I do still feel though in a just world he shouldn't get the label of being a 'father' if he can't behave like one. I'm so close to freedom... I just need to get over this last injustice and I'll be ok.

I hope he burns in hell for what he's put me through.

You can’t stop contact when he’s arranging it himself. Why would you want to do that instead of going to CMS?

Because up until now I haven't decided to go no contact and him refusing payment. I'll be looking into that now.

I’m confused, he’s a teen not sure how you would even “stop contact” and he will only resent you. Go to the cms like the rest of us have to do.

Honestly, I feel you. It’s bullshit always being the one who is the responsible, reasonable one. The one who bites their tongue at the behaviour of the other. Every ow and again when we can’t keep it up we are the absolute worst in the world. I can’t ever react or say anything because the reaction only seems to fuel his victimhood complex.
I don’t live in UK. I have a court order and he hasn’t paid one cent even with a court order. Fucker still says he is a great dad though. Mine is also a teen and I don’t interfere with contact. DC knows their father is shit. The money is only a symptom of the wider BS that my ex does.
I guess I am just hoping if I continue to take high road that long term karma will sort it all out for me.
I hope venting here has helped you. Remember your not alone lots of us in similar situations.

Claim cms asap - claims can’t be backdated .

you aren’t a terrible person but at 15 he will make his own decisions .

No judgement from me at all. It's absolutely impossible to get it right all the time when dealing with someone abusive

Thank you so, so much for taking the time to respond. I know you are all right and I really appreciate your responses. I'll hold my nerve and keep my gob shut. Given that this is his last attempt at 'hurting' me, it will be doing me good in the long run - and I'm sure the lack of me asking him where the money is will be really confusing him. I wish I'd made better decisions in my early 30's! I really do. My child deserves better than this.

Why would you punish your child for their fathers poor decisions?

Because I don't see why he should get the honour of spending time with my son, pretending to be a decent father when he is an abusive arsehole to his child's mother. Why should he get the rights without the responsibilities?

I've already said I won't do it - but I strongly think there is something wrong with the system if this is what we have to put up with. If anyone is punishing my son it's it's his arsehole father - not me.

I am glad you aren't going to deny contact. It could backfire at some stage if your child blames you.

They aren't pay per view.

Let the child see his dad and work out for himself he is an arsehole.

Contact is for the benefit of the child. You can’t deny a child a relationship with their father because they are not paying maintenance.

You need to deal with the maintenance separately. Involve the CSA and ensure it is paid but you cannot link it to contact. He isn’t buying time with his child.

Yes he is awful. Abuse is awful.
So why do you want to join him and be awful. Specially at an age where your kid will know exactly what you're doing. You really haven't thought it through. Imagine telling your son he is basically like pay per view and he can't see his Dad and do the hobby till his Das pays. Literally plays right into his Dads hands!
Say nothing. Go through CMS. If he tries to discuss it with you say CMS will sort it and leave them to it

I'm not sure that people that abuse their child's mother should have any rights to see the children at all to be honest...