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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive ex stopped paying child support - cutting contact with his child until he does...Thoughts?

137 replies

Thepeppapigfanclub · 26/01/2024 18:36

Sorry - long!

My ex is a nasty bully. My child is now at an age that he doesn't have to come into my house anymore to pick him up.

There was a nasty incident before Christmas when I had to phone the police (more of a precaution than anything else). Extreme measures- but I blocked him on my phone. He came around with an apology at new year - I unblocked him because he said we can't be 'no contact' because of child. (This was not my dream.) I did unblock him just to lead to more vitriolic abuse - so blocked him again.

His last bit of power over me is the child support, which he isn't paying now - partly because he thinks he's father of the year, and partly as a control device...IDK

What would you do if it was you? I know I'll get slated for saying this but I'm tempted to say he won't be having contact with his child until he coughs up. It's not classy or fair - but neither is what I've been through.

Has anybody got any advice? I accept that I'm really angry at the moment...

OP posts:
Original poster
Thepeppapigfanclub · 26/01/2024 21:30

I'm not stopping contact - I'm just angry that I am powerless and expected to 'be the better person' when dealing with the spawn of the devil.

OP posts:
Wooloohooloo · 26/01/2024 21:34

Why do you need to have contact with him if your child is a teenager? Cant they arrange contact between themselves?

Workworkandmoreworknow · 26/01/2024 21:40

My ex hasn’t paid a penny in 15 years. I always took the view that this was an issue between adults and nothing to do with the children. With the exception of an 18 month period where he disappeared from their lives, he has seen them weekly till they got into their teens. I have spent many a year sitting on my hands, keeping my mouth shut and believing that sooner or later, they would see what I see. It has taken a long time but we are there. They still see him, albeit on their terms, but it is not without its arguments and anger that he has behaved as he has and has never put them first.

motchapudding · 26/01/2024 21:40

Thepeppapigfanclub · 26/01/2024 21:28

I'm not sure that people that abuse their child's mother should have any rights to see the children at all to be honest...

I see where it comes from. Saying this as someone who was badly beaten in front of the child and ended up in A&E (after left the guy for a long time). So I really get it.
It sucks.
Your children shouldn't be involved in any of this drama through. You can't fix their dad's horrible behavior. But you can decide what you do.
It sucks. But it's for your children...

GaroTheMushroom · 26/01/2024 21:47

Looks loads of us don’t get any maintenance. I’ve received £87 for four kids in the last year (since jan 2023-2024) not a week or a month a year yet that would never ever be a reason for me stopping contact and never has been.

Original poster
Thepeppapigfanclub · 26/01/2024 21:56

Sending my thoughts to people who have been/ are going through similar situations and for the advice.

I am genuinely surprised at some responses - I really am.

This is the final hurdle - if don't react or respond - and deal with the financial implications, whatever they are - I am free. So I'll work on that.

OP posts:
RandomPoster456 · 26/01/2024 22:04

Take him through official channels through CSA and let them do contact between themselves. Dry rock any messages. Enter his phone number or details into all of the websites that ring you for a free quote ie. Double glazing, insulation etc as you can think of and sit back and relax. Those fuckers are absolutely relentless and call from an endless stream of different phone numbers. Good luck. 😉

Original poster
Thepeppapigfanclub · 26/01/2024 22:10

I think me blocking him completely is what has led to this - but you have to do what you have to do. I just can't take the chipping away at my soul any more. I just can't and won't. The injustice though - it's tough to take. The final battle is here.

I'll do CSA if need but but they sound bloody awful.

OP posts:
RandomPoster456 · 26/01/2024 22:48

Thepeppapigfanclub · 26/01/2024 22:10

I think me blocking him completely is what has led to this - but you have to do what you have to do. I just can't take the chipping away at my soul any more. I just can't and won't. The injustice though - it's tough to take. The final battle is here.

I'll do CSA if need but but they sound bloody awful.

In all seriousness, they can be a bit of a pain to deal with for some people but straight forward for others. At this point you’re not getting anything and without proper due process put in place and him being legally forced he has you over a financial barrel. At this point I think it’s nothing ventured, nothing gained. You don’t have to listen to any abuse, you don’t owe him any answer or explanation. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you won’t be engaging in discussion going forward and I wouldn’t even tell him about CSA, let them do that and he will see for himself when the letter lands on his doorstep. If he turns up at your door and causes a scene, call the police and have him removed. You have the power, you just need to realise it and wield it. He can’t hurt you anymore, only if you let him.

SD1978 · 26/01/2024 22:52

Your child is at least 14, maybe older? Going by your 15 yrs of abuse comment. You absolutely can not tell a teenager they can't see their father, who they want to see, because of money. Children are not pay per view. It's shitty behaviour, yes. It's abusive, yes. But you have already said you do not need to speak to him- if your son has a phone have his dad contact him directly, keep him blocked. But trying to tell a teenager that wants to see his dad that he can't, very well may end up in the teenager going full time.

SD1978 · 26/01/2024 22:53

And absolutely go through CSM. Then there is no holding over you- he will be forced to pay and you can keep him blocked!!

Original poster
Thepeppapigfanclub · 26/01/2024 23:14

I do really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

This part is the part I've been putting off for years because I don't like confrontation. I'm just going to have to brave it -no matter what it costs, but I am very much full of resentment - at him and the system.

I'm really scared.

OP posts:
RandomPoster456 · 26/01/2024 23:34

Thepeppapigfanclub · 26/01/2024 23:14

I do really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

This part is the part I've been putting off for years because I don't like confrontation. I'm just going to have to brave it -no matter what it costs, but I am very much full of resentment - at him and the system.

I'm really scared.

That’s what we’re all here for. 🌷

You’ve done such an incredible job of raising your son into a decent human being and despite all of his father’s treatment, you haven’t bad mouthed him or tried to make his life a nightmare although god knows nobody would blame you. That takes enormous mental strength and willpower. You’re a kind person which will always be a strength because it’s something he will never be. He takes advantage of your kindness and sees it as a weakness because he is a pathetic, weak little man with no dignity. Teach him that to underestimate you is his mistake. You don’t need to engage in any confrontation you just need to smack him in the face with your newfound yearning for peace and boundaries will finally bring you the win that you deserve. He’s not a rational being, all he knows is mind-games. Don’t play them anymore, you’re not his chess piece - you’re a winner. If you don’t engage, he can’t win. Block, ignore and slap him where it hurts - CSA. Even £5 a week is £5 he’s forced to pay that he can’t take from you. It’s not the amount of money that matters, it’s about taking away his ability to control with something he can’t even fight against. The law. First sign of trouble, call the police and let him feel the full force of it. Show him he can’t control you anymore. Only one person owns and controls you and that is you! Don’t be scared to feel the freedom that will come to you.

Original poster
Thepeppapigfanclub · 27/01/2024 07:14

@RandomPoster456 Really appreciate that and very much like your thinking. This is exactly what I'm going to do. You are right - he is just desperate to suck me back into contact - no doubt to unleash more vitriolic abuse and drama.

I just have to remember that I'm not trapped any more - I've got options. I just need to stop being a drip.

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 27/01/2024 08:33

I'd send him one last message saying something like,

"This will be the last time I contact you. DS is at an age now where he can't make his own arrangements with you. There is no need for us to be in touch any more. Regarding CM, I will be going through the proper channels to resolve this so that there is not need for further communication between us. I ask that you respect my wishes and do not contact me again. Any continued efforts to contact me will be seen as harassment and reported to the police"

Then block him. You've made it clear that you want no further contact with him. If he continues to try to contact you, fake profiles, friends phone etc. Report him to the police. You have evidence that you asked him not to contact you and he hasn't respected that.

rrrrrreatt · 27/01/2024 08:41

Why would you punish your child for their father’s actions? They’re old enough to decide if they want a relationship with their dad and they’ve chosen to have one. Depriving them of that will impact on their wellbeing, not just their father.

notjustthe · 27/01/2024 08:48

Thepeppapigfanclub · 26/01/2024 21:56

Sending my thoughts to people who have been/ are going through similar situations and for the advice.

I am genuinely surprised at some responses - I really am.

This is the final hurdle - if don't react or respond - and deal with the financial implications, whatever they are - I am free. So I'll work on that.

what responses have surprised you?

I am surprised that you’re asking a question with zero chance of what you’re asking being a reasonable given the child in question is a teenager

notjustthe · 27/01/2024 08:51

I do feel awful that it's come to this but I can't see any other way. . but you literally can’t do it Op!

FarmGirl78 · 27/01/2024 09:25

If you need to contact with other about child you can get apps to message through, designed especially for this purpose. You can also log appointments, dates, photos etc but it's all recorded so you can use it official proceedings if you need to.

CAFCASS recommended AppClose, OurFamily Wizard, and a couple of others, some of which charge a subscription fee. We went with AppClose in the end.

He's be an idiot if he was stupid enough to give you abuse via a Court recommended app (but obviously nothing can account for stupid!).

greenbeansnspinach · 27/01/2024 09:32

In view of your further information about your child getting something out of the contact, you’re better carrying on allowing it. As pp have said, mai ntenance and contact are separate.
You must be very angry and feel you want justice. It’s not right that he should be allowed to get away with this but it’s not right either to use your child.
you’ve probably tried all this, sigh, but have you reported the abuse to the police (again) to show a course of conduct?
Feel for you!
Try the spell. Got a good one?

notjustthe · 27/01/2024 09:36

how often does your son normally see his father?

Wehavealaughdontwe · 27/01/2024 09:39

I know how frustrating and tempting this is, but your child isn't 'pay per view'. They are separate issues. Don't punish your child for their fathers behaviour. They may resent you for it in the future

Original poster
Thepeppapigfanclub · 27/01/2024 12:27

Thanks so much @greenbeansnspinach. Police have been involved on several occations. The last time wasn't enough to take any further. Refusing to leave my house, smashing up stuff and verbal stuff but not 'bad' enough if you know what I mean.

I haven't got a spell yet but will look into. Thanks so much for the suggestions.

I know I can't do it but wish I could just hit him where it hurts for a change -because this literally feels like a hell from which there is no escape. It's exhausting always being on standby waiting for the next absurd, usually unexpected, 'attack'. They always create something to worry and be anxious about.

So sorry for all the other people going through similar. Hopefully my revenge will be winning the lottery but I'm not even sure that would make up for the lost years.

OP posts:
notjustthe · 27/01/2024 12:44

Police have been involved on several occations. The last time wasn't enough to take any further. Refusing to leave my house, smashing up stuff and verbal stuff but not 'bad' enough if you know what I mean.

is your son aware of this?

GaroTheMushroom · 27/01/2024 12:59

If your son is a teen why does your ex need to come to your house for him? My sisters son use to travel to his fathers himself or he could meet him somewhere if it’s far?