To think there is no nice and easy way to say this

[AmIThatMam]

My daughter is overweight, medically but obviously- as in visually it’s obvious.
she carries her weight round her middle (like me- so I do sympathise) but when I was her age (9) I wasn’t overweight.
she is very active so it’s not that.
she overeats, simple as. She steals food from the kitchen. ( we now rarely have any ‘treats’ because she will sneak in and eat them) but she will just eat whatever is there, snacks for school- malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks. Then barely touches her balanced dinner.
i have had conversations with her - never mentioned weight- about eating healthy and balance. About her activities and if she wants to be strong she needs to eat a balanced diet. She agrees each time but carries in the same.
ive confronted her more firmly when I’ve found packets in her room. Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!
is it time to tell her she’s overweight or is that never going to be a good idea?

People shouldn't actually need snacks between meals though. It's not a necessity.

Most people's portion sizes in meals are also excessive. If you eat too much of a nutritionally balanced meal you'll still end up overweight.

How do you refer to your own body / weight in front of her? You might not be mentioning her weight directly but if you're negative about your own weight she'll pick up on that.

I don't think it's helpful or accurate to suggest that if you ever discuss being overweight with someone that that person is automatically going to develop an eating disorder.

I’m glad to read this as a different perspective as I was also a fat child and now a constant yo-yo dieter always battling with my weight and unhappy with how I look - and extremely greedy to the point of it being disordered! I really wish my parents stopped buying snacks too and we had to ask to eat something other than, say, a really well stocked fruit bowl. It’s done more damage to me by not doing that tbh. My mum could have done it from a position of “we need to share the snacks and I want to know when I need to buy more so we don’t run out so please let me know when you’d like one.” Agree that I wouldn’t say the child is overweight- she will never forget it.

I’d be concerned she’s eating other kids’ leftovers/unwanted stuff though… I’d worry she’ll get a reputation for this. Does the school have a no unhealthy snack policy?

The issue with things like malt loaf and yoghurt biscuits is that they have a high number of calories for how full you feel after eating it. It’s only 90kcal for one but if she’s eating multiple snacks, it’s easily adding up.

Honestly, if she's generally happy and has healthy friendships I'd tread very lightly, that's more important than her weight, which may be a problem in the future or may resolve itself.

Small changes over time are going to bring lasting changes, and she'll be changing anyway over the next few years. Maybe earlier dinners (I used to be ravenous when I got home from school), no food in her bedroom (make the reason pests/bugs) an earlier bedtime etc.

"The food our children eat" by Joanna Blythman is a brilliant book

For starters, I suggest you move away from describing biscuits etc as a treat, which reinforces bad habits

just echoing previous posters who've said never tell your daughter she's overweight. That would be despicable and she would never forget it.

I would clear out all the processed food. Yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks, yes, even malt loaf has not enough nutrition to justify the calories.

I really want to agree with you (by seeing if her weight resolves itself) but in my experience puberty hit and my appetite just increased. I think this is where my parents then found it pretty impossible to intervene as you can’t really expect a pre teen to ask for your permission for a snack. I wouldn’t anyway. I’d hope they’d be better at regulating by the time puberty hits. I think at 9 they won’t necessarily cotton on what you’re trying to do.

Yes, this is why malt loaf is a good easy snack for frail elderly people. Not for children.

Loads of nutrition advice on here but I think the real issue is what’s going on in her head, it’s why she’s consuming not what she’s consuming. Something is bothering her.

I think you could mention the secret eating (tell her truthfully that you found the wrappers) and say that you’ve noticed that the malt loaves and the breadsticks are not lasting the week as expected, and take it from there.

You can do this without decrying her figure. If I had a thin kid who was bingeing I’d take this approach too because bingeing is a problem, full stop.

I'm sorry OP but it's not calories but glucose you need to worry about. If you est refined carbs (things made with white flour) then they go straight to fat and do not satiate you so you end up eating more.

Jason Fung covers this well in the DOAC podcast or try Glucose Goddess.

My DS was pudgy at that age, it's all gone now a few years later. Try a starter of veggies and hummus before the meal, cut down on white rice/pasta and bulk food out with other things like lentils. Try to eliminate those biscuits and any snacks that have white flour. Look at carb/sugar not cals.

I've read Ultra Processed People recently and I am doing what I can to keep this stuff away from my house. I know they will have it elsewhere but I won't buy it routinely.

I make healthy muffins (BBC website) each week and the kids have these after school if they want something to eat before tea. They really like them and I know that they're filling, not full of artificial slime driving their consumption.

I never insist that my kids finish what is on their plate either. I always put on a smaller amount and they know that they can ask for seconds if they want. I've been really shocked at the big portion sizes i've seen being given to some of the children we know.

I’d say be careful of low fat, as often they are high in sugar. Malt loaf is very much a treat in our house.

I wouldn't be so convinced she knows she is fat . Some people don't realise . My sister was 18 stone and didn't know she was fat .. the brain plays tricks on you sometimes and all the girls have their bodies out now regardless of size so maybe she just thinks she is normal . Instagram etc is full of very overweight people in gym stuff !

It may well be worth being frank with her and spell it out. She obviously isn't getting the hint.
Meanwhile as a whole family start eating healthy, I mean really healthy. Homemake as much as you can. Home foods fills you up more. chips, egg and peas likely won't. Try casserols perhaps. Oe make a chicken pie.
She'll be learning from you so really get on board as a family and support your daughter. Good luck x

You’ve mentioned malt loaf and yogurt biscuits, neither of which are exactly low calorie!

@Walking2024now24days they are literally low calorie ‘snacks’ I understand they aren’t vegetables but you don’t have to be condescending. I accept that an apple is lower in calories but some have suggested a sandwich! How is that low calorie?

THIS!!!

This is unlikely to be about nutrition at all. I’ve been a binge eater since I was a small child, many people on here would be utterly disgusted at some of the things I’ve done. Mine is related to my ADHD and emotions - I eat to chase that dopamine hit and it worsens when I’m feeling sad or stressed etc (which is a lot). It’s carried onto into adulthood and whilst I’ve been slim most of my life, I dread to think the damage it’s done to me inside.

But it’s all in my head. Thats the bit you need to deal with. OP PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get professional advice before you tackle this. Talk to Beat. Get some help. I say this as a Lifelong binge eater with a family member who is anorexic.

DO NOT TACKLE THIS ALONE.

OP ignore everyone saying calories are the issues

Its carbs which are sugars which are the problems, so all the “low fat” treats which are advertised as healthy are packed full of carbs which will cause sugar spikes and hinder any progress with your DD - I also don’t think calorie counting is healthy for a growing girl. Just offering low carb snacks :) high fat is good!

look online at low carb high fat/protein diets x

when I was 17, my mom said the phrase “youve put a little bit of weight on love havent you” in an annoying perky tone. I still remember the wording, where it was, her face, my reaction and crying afterwards. That was 15 years ago and I went into a spiral of obsessive calorie counting afterwards.
please, I know you mean well, but don’t.

@ScierraDoll very helpful. ‘Stop posting on here’ why? I’m asking for ideas to help. If the help she needs is medical or professional, I’ll get that for her. I was asking for practical solutions from people who have been through it really- not for judgmental bollocks from people with nothing better to do.

Hi, answering late. I was a podgy child - and totally hated this. I managed to take some pounds off as a teenager - didn't become anorexic, I read Slimming magazine and followed their advice. I was slim in my 20s and put on about a stone after I had my 2 children. I've never been technically overweight as an adult ie always a BMI of - 25 but I've always been stocky and not slender.

The truth is I was an early carbs addict and comfort eater. The snacks you mention which are sweet and carby would be things I would and did eat all of. I polished off packs of biscuits and sweets and toast and became a major cheap choc sweet addict. I didn't love sport. I didn't love my mother either and never got on with her. I loved my dad but he was eternally away working. I was lonely.

I'm not trying to imply that your daughter's situation is the same, far from it. You are a kind mum asking for some help. I would have loved it if my mum had said to me "you seem to be eating some sweet things, they're not good for you, shall we try another way?" I also disagree about not talking to daughters about weight. I wish my mother would have supported me in losing a few pounds. I think she liked me chubby - less competition.

As an older person I still struggle. The only eating regime that keeps me in check is high protein + veg and no/super low carbs. I just seem to lose the plot if I go off this track.

I'd definitely hide all the high carb snacky foods. I'd offer good quality regular meals and be a bit firm about enforcing that style of eating. And I'd gently and subtly see if anything's making your daughter unhappy and see if that can be addressed.

She's eating something. I mean this without offence but you mrntion you are also overweight so there must be some less than ideal foods

We literally don't have snack foods on our house except nuts and fruits. We have ingredients for meals snd that's it.