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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think there is no nice and easy way to say this

403 replies

AmIThatMam · 26/01/2024 17:31

My daughter is overweight, medically but obviously- as in visually it’s obvious.
she carries her weight round her middle (like me- so I do sympathise) but when I was her age (9) I wasn’t overweight.
she is very active so it’s not that.
she overeats, simple as. She steals food from the kitchen. ( we now rarely have any ‘treats’ because she will sneak in and eat them) but she will just eat whatever is there, snacks for school- malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks. Then barely touches her balanced dinner.
i have had conversations with her - never mentioned weight- about eating healthy and balance. About her activities and if she wants to be strong she needs to eat a balanced diet. She agrees each time but carries in the same.
ive confronted her more firmly when I’ve found packets in her room. Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!
is it time to tell her she’s overweight or is that never going to be a good idea?

OP posts:
Snowdropsarecoming · 26/01/2024 18:52

toppitytop · 26/01/2024 18:50

Ok, but it's not like she's eating ice cream and crisps. I don't think this hysteria around snacks is going to help at all. If they're eliminated completely, she'll just want them more. Issues like this go deeper.

I’m not saying she needs to eliminated them completely but I wouldn’t be allowing access to them before dinner. Although I wouldn’t have UPF stuff like yoghurt biscuits.

user1984778379202 · 26/01/2024 18:54

Is she allowed to help herself to snacks without asking? Is she ferreting food upstairs because she's allowed to help herself as a rule?

If so, I'd go for a bit of tough love. Tell her and her siblings that from now on they need to check with you before they have a snack. They can't just take. Then, if you feel she's had too much, you can have a conversation about how she needs to wait until dinner and distract her with an activity. If she's just plonking down on the sofa and mindlessly snacking as her parent it's your responsibility to get her out of that trap.

Mummytummy123 · 26/01/2024 18:54

I was an overweight child - and actually I really wish that my mum had restricted my access to snacks. It was in my late teens that I lost the weight, very quickly, very unhealthily and it’s possibly affected me for life.

My mum grew up in times where rations were still a thing - so we had literally full cupboards full of everything a child could have dreamt of!

I think having a really good chat with her about it and just get rid of all unhealthy snacks in the house. She’s 9 - she’s at an age where you can retrain her eating habits.

Good luck OP! I really hope it all works out

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 26/01/2024 18:55

Completely banning all treats or making them taboo is unlikely to help. My DM restricted me massively in what treats I could have (I understand why and it was done from a good place) but I used to secret eat. I still do now and I am an adult who does the food shopping. DH never comments on my eating but I still try and eat food without him noticing.

SeenYourArse · 26/01/2024 18:56

AmIThatMam · 26/01/2024 17:38

@TomeTome Which high calorie snacks at I filling the house with please?

Malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks . Straight away they are unnecessary, just literally buy meal ingredients. Snacks are fruit that’s it’s, apples or bananas or tangerines not berries or raisins.Just fibrous bulky fruit.

GelatoPistacchio · 26/01/2024 18:58

No judgement OP as it's really hard to know what healthy is. I don't think I realised until I met my partner's family that snacking isn't something you have to do. It's sold to us as normal but if you are eating three decent meals at regular intervals you really don't need to snack.

If you are struggling with sugar slumps inbetween meals as you adjust then you should only be offering fruit and veg sticks.

I know it might feel unfair to your other kids but I really think it's the only way to reset eating as a family and make sure your daughter isn't singled out.

Draconis · 26/01/2024 18:58

Op listen to the advice here regarding the biscuits and malt loaf. All the processed crap, especially the wheat based sugary stuff, is so bad for our health. Read ingredient labels. Junk food isn't made for nutrition, it's made to taste as delicious as it can regardless the processes and chemicals used.

Switch to real natural food and bake your own biscuits for the occasional treat. Kids love to bake. It could be a nice weekly activity.
Teach her about food and health.

Get her eating more veg, fruit and protein and drinking more water

NalafromtheLionKing · 26/01/2024 18:58

I wouldn’t tell her she is fat but I wonder whether you could change routines to work better eg is she eating too little at school and then pigging out a lot when she gets home?

You should try to make sure dinners are ones she really likes (if she doesn’t, then she will just snack a lot instead) and low carb if possible.

snowpony · 26/01/2024 18:58

Apologies if this has already been suggested but is it worth taking her to the doctors to see if there is an under lying medical condition? A child I know has polyphagia which causes insatiable hunger - caused by hormonal imbalance, but there are other causes too?

Flatulence · 26/01/2024 18:58

The one thing not to do is tell her she's overweight. If she is as big as you suggest she'll definitely know and probably gets teased at school - even if she doesn't let on and teachers don't notice.
I speak from experience here. I was a slightly bigger than average kid. Not overweight per se, but taller, bigger and squarer than my peers.

I can, to this day, remember my mum telling me at age 5 that I couldn't wear a skirt to school - only a pinafore - as I was "too fat". She'd constantly compare my frame to that of my best friend, who was very slender. And, at age 8, I was put on a diet - the first of many that my mother insisted I followed. My mother channelled her own deep seated unhappiness in her body onto me, not that she realised she did this.

I look back at pictures of myself at that age and I could weep. I wasn't fat. At all. But I became convinced I was and adopted the approach - at a similar age to your daughter - that "oh I'm fat anyway so it doesn't matter if I eat a load of shit". That in turn - by age 11 - turned into binge eating. And guess what? I did then become fat, and the cycle went on.
Obviously your daughter is a little different as she is, apparently, overweight. But I wonder if you have projected similar things onto her. You say you used to be overweight, you're quick to say you weren't overweight as a child, and you mention right at the start of your OP that your daughter - like you - carries her weight on her middle. Can you see why I wonder if, subconsciously, you've helped to create this situation in a similar way to how my mother did with me? Maybe, maybe not.

What I do know is that making her feel shit by calling her out for being overweight will not help. She's a little girl, not an adult.

It's great that she's sporty. That could also be marking her hungry though. Children need a surprising amount of calories, and they need plenty of fat too. Low-fat diets are not suitable for children. Maybe also find out about her favourite sports stars and if they have any favourite nutritious meals. Make them together and explain why ingredients like nuts or tomatoes are so good for you.

I'd also be binning the low-fat, high carb things you mention and focus on providing more filling meals that include more fat and protein and are lighter on the processed carbs. If she's hungry when she gets home from school, provide her with a meal earlier.

Also is she getting enough hydration? Perhaps you could get her and you or her and her siblings some of those bottles with markings on them to make sure you're all drinking plenty. Make it fun to see who can hit their daily goal.

As others have said, I'd focus on the fact that it's so wasteful that she's not eating her meals because of all the snacking. Tell her this and ask if she's snacking because she's really hungry or just because she's bored/because the snacks are there. You could refer back to the sports people and say how they have to leave plenty of room for the protein and veggies and things and that's why they can't fill up on crisps. A decent meal helps them perform better

Finally, make sure you're modelling what you want her to do. You should be eating more or less the same meals as her and eating in front of her - not skipping meals of having something different. I don't know if you do this or not, but it is essential to set an example of proper portions, proper food, proper time etc.

You will help your daughter to overcome whatever challenges she's facing by making her feel better about herself and her body, not worse. Don't comment on her body shape, size, appearance, weight - whether negatively or positively. Praise her instead for working hard, being kind etc. And, of course, if you think there's a medical issue at play or if her weight is truly huge then you can speak to a GP about it. However, it doesn't sound like that's the case

Emotionalsupportviper · 26/01/2024 18:59

Has she been checked medically?

Some syndromes eg Prager-Wlli syndrome cause a huge increase in appetitie.

Sorry - didn't read your posts (I ought to have done so) and have just seen that she is leaving her meals because she is snacking.

Ignore this suggestion

NastyLittleNoseWrinkle · 26/01/2024 19:01

Omg I so want a half a loaf of soreen & a hunk of cheese after reading this thread 😂

One of the most basic protein snacks that can be made ‘interesting’ is a boiled egg @AmIThatMam

Do half a dozen on a Sunday night & draw faces on the shells in pencil, stick them in fridge, make a game of peeling them/drawing on them whatever.

My DS was also always hungry at home time and immediate food was necessary generally made a loaf of sandwiches Sun night but oh the current horror of carbs!

And I mean also the pre-puberty puppy fat thing - is this no longer a developmental stage? Cos if a child former me is too thin a growth spurt can knock them into getting teased for being too thin.

I think a PP is perhaps right that there is a generally heightened anxiety re food.diet.weight and maybe a collective deep breath and a calm down for us all in society mightn’t be a bad thing.

Disturbia81 · 26/01/2024 19:02

Sorry it's very hard. I was overweight because I loved food and hated sport, no underlying reasons.
My mum bringing it up made me eat more.
And now a lifeling battle.. it's just hard because once someone discovers snacking and food for pleasure then that's it

Whitefoxnight · 26/01/2024 19:02

I don’t think this is normal behaviour, and I would get it investigated medically and psychological.

Klcak · 26/01/2024 19:02

I think that puberty may eat up that weight. My nearly 16yo looks like a catwalk model, size 6-8 and is well over 6ft. When she was 9 she was chubby. All of her chub turned into very long slim legs needing 37 inch trousers.

I wouldn’t say anything. I’d be as careful as I could with food at home and watch.

Kalevala · 26/01/2024 19:02

Malt loaf is good for getting calories into frail elderly people when home carers don't have time to cook something more nutritious. Almost 100 calories for a tiny 30g serving that they can manage. A child is better off with a banana or a hard boiled egg.

Mumofoneandone · 26/01/2024 19:02

Need to look at things like snacks which could be ultra processed. These can be addictive and play havoc with the body, processing food etc. Lots more information coming out about the dangers of UPFs

TorroFerney · 26/01/2024 19:04

AmIThatMam · 26/01/2024 17:47

@TomeTome ro be honest I don’t see malt loaf as a high calorie snack. It’s about 90 cals and low fat. The yoghurt biscuits are 75 calories I don’t see them as high calorie so maybe I’m just thinking about it wrong. I have other children who don’t have the same issues.

That’s the issue, they are sugary processed crap, they aren’t needed. An apple instead.

Walking2024now24days · 26/01/2024 19:06

AmIThatMam · 26/01/2024 17:38

@TomeTome Which high calorie snacks at I filling the house with please?

@AmIThatMam

a wise person once told me 'don't ask a question when you might not like the answer'....

which high calories snacks??

malt loaf, yoghurt, biscuits, breadsticks
in your own words.

hedgehoglurker · 26/01/2024 19:08

As you've not yet answered the question about what time dinner is, I'll assume it is too late for her. (My children tend to have a small snack after school - eg, fruit - then dinner was usually between 1730 and 1800. Only now they are teens have I pushed it to 1800-1845.)

If impossible to change the time, you need to accept that she snacks because she is hungry and ensure there are filling, high protein snacks available that she can grab as easily as the ones she shouldn't have.

Or, can you save her a portion of yesterday's meal and reheat it when you get home? Maybe add some fresh carrot sticks or present it slightly differently so something like chilli and rice goes into a wrap.

babyproblems · 26/01/2024 19:09

Agree stop buying all snacks. No one in your house needs them. No breadsticks, no biscuits. End of. You are saying it’s ok to eat those things by having them in the house. As a mature adult you know one biscuit is ok. At 9, you don’t. Stop buying them. And do not tell her she is overweight. X

HappyHedgehog247 · 26/01/2024 19:10

My DD is starving when she gets in from school. Is she too hungry at that point? It's not great to have a dynamic where she's sneaking food. Can you offer her a treat instead? Better to be on the same team.

Lara53 · 26/01/2024 19:12

My niece and nephew (both diagnosed with adhd) have hoarded/ taken/ hidden food/ wrappers etc since quite a young age. They both used to eat sugar from the cupboards etc and seemed not to have a switch to tell them when they were full. My niece now at 15 is medicated and much more regulated with food. Nephew is 8 and does not stop eating.

BonheursTrousers · 26/01/2024 19:12

I was a secret eater as a child, we had zero snacks in our house but I’d eat butter and sugar mixed together and spent money meant for school refill writing pads etc on donuts. I was very slim, still am I need a lot of calories, but my secret eating was because I was a very unhappy kid that didn’t have a warm loving home.

The weight is a red herring, it’s the secret emotional eating you need to be worrying about and what is causing her to do it.

If you can afford it I’d suggest a proper child psychologist (not counsellors etc they can be worse than useless). If it means you have to cut back in other parts of your monthly budget I absolutely would to unpick what’s going on here. Poorly handled you could make her disordered eating much worse.