To think there is no nice and easy way to say this

[AmIThatMam]

My daughter is overweight, medically but obviously- as in visually it’s obvious.
she carries her weight round her middle (like me- so I do sympathise) but when I was her age (9) I wasn’t overweight.
she is very active so it’s not that.
she overeats, simple as. She steals food from the kitchen. ( we now rarely have any ‘treats’ because she will sneak in and eat them) but she will just eat whatever is there, snacks for school- malt loaf, yoghurt biscuits, breadsticks. Then barely touches her balanced dinner.
i have had conversations with her - never mentioned weight- about eating healthy and balance. About her activities and if she wants to be strong she needs to eat a balanced diet. She agrees each time but carries in the same.
ive confronted her more firmly when I’ve found packets in her room. Sometimes it’s packets from else where so I’m guessing she gets food from kids at school?!
is it time to tell her she’s overweight or is that never going to be a good idea?

Please listen to those of us who have been your daughter and get some proper help. It’s not about changing the snacks, it’s about adjusting her mental attitude to food. If she’s eating in secret there’s an issue, I promise you. You need to get to the bottom of what that issue is with professional help. You could save her from a life of misery around food.

Not read the whole thread but is it just me who thinks a well thought out chat with the DD about staying healthy and fit and opposed to overweight might be the worst idea in the world?

@nightmareXmas not reluctant really - I accept I’ve got it wrong. I’m just a bit defensive over the really catty, snarky remarks. Those genuinely helpful, like yours, I am grateful for.

It’s tricky isn’t it. Having been an overweight child it’s not something you want developing, but equally handling it badly can make things worse.

If it’s significant, I would talk to your GP. There may be a programme running where you can get some professional advice.

It might be comfort eating, or that she is chasing the little high that people get from sugary/refined carb foods like malt loaf, breadsticks and biscuits.

If you don’t generally think she’s unhappy, I would try giving her a planned snack wit protein after school so she isn’t getting over hungry and then locking everything snacky away. Or - just give her dinner earlier of course.

People are different but it sounds like she may find it hard to manage high sugar foods so try replacing the biscuits and the malt loaf and the bread sticks with a few nuts, yogurt, babybels, a bit of peanut butter and apple and things like that.

If you do think it’s emotional eating then you will need professional advice.

@AmIThatMam Not read all the thread, but if you haven't I would seek advice from doctors etc on how to go about it. You could try and get her a referral to a dietician, or have a session or two for her privately with a dietician or (evidence based) nutritionist.

I don't have foods in the house that I tend to overeat on. But that's easy because it's just me.

I stay at my friend's a couple of nights a week. He puts the more treaty things in a large box only he has the key to, so I can't scoff it. I still find ways to overeat, both at his and mine.

I'm not usually overweight though- I must balance it out at other times.

I’d recommend a book called Fat Talk by Virginia Sole-Smith. Neither myself nor my daughter are overweight, both slim, but having a daughter made me want to address my attitude to weight which I think as a teenager was often unhealthy. It’s well researched and was a bit of an eye opener.

Is there a pastoral person at school you can talk to for advice.
You need support for you too.

My dd does get a lot of crap from school. School dinners seem to be triple carbs- pasta with bread and low sugar cake for example (free school meals in London state school). Today there was a Y6 cake sale. Sweets given out for most of the kids’ birthdays (31 in the class). Snacks brought and shared at clubs- lots of crisps and biscuits. Parties where the standard party bag includes a sweet cone and cake after loads of crap for the meal. Discos, movie nights and summer and winter fayres, all involving sweets and crisps. Sweets given by the teachers at Xmas and Easter. Play dates with families who don’t have limits on snacks and ice creams. There’s probably more

Does she drink enough water? If not, encouraging her to drink more might help her feel full.

@AmIThatMam I had some involvement with eating disorders services and they said the trick to avoid binges is to eat very regularly so you don't get that blood sugar roller coaster where you don't eat until you have a slump, then have a bender.

Try and give her very filling foods- high fibre, healthy fats, protein. Some foods aren't filling at all, and some are foods I'll happily overeat past fullness, so don't tend to have around.

Doctors and nurses tell kids they’re overweight, I think you should tell her gently. ‘Dd your age 9 clothes are tight on you because you’re eating all of these snacks.

@AmIThatMam, please, please do not do this. I don’t know if you read my last post but I’d really recommend you look at Ellyn Satter.

And please do not cut out or drastically reduce any food groups. There’s so much dangerous information on here, it’s unreal.

The fact that some posters will tell you to watch calories, some will tell you to watch fat, some will tell you to reduce carbs and some will tell you that processed foods are the absolute devil should be proof enough that the information they impart comes from something they’ve latched on to.

We need carbs, we need fat, we need protein and we need fruit and veg. And yes, we also need ‘fun’ food. Food isn’t just fuel. It’s one of the most important parts of our lives. Getting together with friends, loved ones. Celebrating etc. There’s so much unnecessary food shaming and snobbery on this site.

We went through this with our DD at about the same age. There had been big changes for our family ( situation beyond our control meant we had to move country). Suddenly she had access to lots of UK snacks which hadn't been available where we lived before. And there was the emotional impact of an unplanned move, too.

She is now a slim adult but still remembers the one conversation I had with her about weight, and not in a good way. Kids are so sensitive about this and I was clumsy in what I said I think.

Rather than talk about weight I'd concentrate on high quality foods. Sure a Soreen malt loaf isn't high calorie but it's also not nutrient dense and not satisfying. Same with most processed snacks.

Even as an adult I put on weight really easily if my diet has too many unsatisfying ultra processed foods so I'd concentrate on improving food quality and see what happens.

I’m not overweight. I carry weight round my middle is what I said. I’m Apple shaped. I think you are right I have just normalised snacking really.

Model a healthy lifestyle. You said you were overweight yourself, so lose weight. Fill the fridge with healthy snacks in colourful tubs - chopped fruit (melon, grapes), chopped veg (carrot). And exercise - go daily walks with her, cycle, put on youtube videos of her favourite groups/artists and dance around the lounge with her.

Really not critcising here, just commenting. Advertisers have convinced us that we have to have our cupboards stuffed with "snacks". NO ONE needs snacks. I grew up with NO SNACKS. Icecream van came round once a day and maybe at the weekend we were allowed to buy something. The only food in the house was what was needed to make the meals. No one was fat. Dump the crisps, the breadsticks, the yoghurts (even the so-called low-fat versions are fatty). It's the only way.

Same here . I never had snacks . It’s all a marketing ploy by the manufacturers and TV and unfortunately it’s worked . It’s the age we live in . Coupled with a more sedentary lifestyle and kids never running around on the streets anymore .

Kindly OP, you need to learn to read labels. 100g of malt loaf contains 20% of the recommended daily sugar intake for a 9 year old. Look at the ingredients 🤢

@AmIThatMam

condescending???

not so.

you wanted to know why your daughter is overweight, but you don't want to listen.

stop having loads of 'snacks' in the house. If they're low calorie they'll have loads of sweetners instead of sugars

She needs, whole foods -proper food, not loads of highly processed stuff.

It's really not easy is it. I've been your Dd and you. Re Dd do not put her on a diet or comment on her weight, she knows. DM did this it left.me.with a very bad relationship with food. Dd was over weight I tackled.it with health eating no snacks and exercise. She's now a slim size 8 and very healthy. She did go though puberty much earlier than her friend so don't discount this with yr daughter. She started her period on her 11th birthday and fornseveraaal.years looked bigger as she was more developed. She's the same.size now as she was at 13 , now 17!

My 6 year old prefers snacks to meals. She will claim she is not hungry during meal time, messes about horrendously (even when it's a dinner that I know she is ok with) unless it's kids food like fish and chips (which we don't serve often) or something very bland (like eggs on toast and salad veg). But then if someone offers a snack after she will go for the snack. I had to put an end to this recently. I was really firm with her and we have tried to reset. We had a whole day with no snacking at all except fruit so that she actually ate her meals. She isn't required to eat all of her meals - if she is full, that's ok - but I expect her to eat most of it given that I serve appropriate size portions. She gets a portion of plain yoghurt and berries after dinner if she eats dinner. Snacks only if main meals are eaten. I insist on healthy meals and vegetables at home because it sounds like she never eats a single vegetable at school and mainly eats stuff like hot dogs and pizza.

In addition OP I would consider her sugar content. If she is eating snacks (even if they are low calorie) they may well be sugary and that won't help. I lost loads of weight myself by being really careful about sugar. So if you do allow snacks other than fruit, nuts and veg, look for sugar content. I've found the following are good lowish sugar options: a piece of dark chocolate, low cal jelly, a portion of sweet and salty popcorn (15g is good for me!), 1 or 2 oatcakes with some peanut butter, and Nairn's biscuits (sweet but low sugar and calorie).

Yeah I mean don't cut out all food groups of course. But those high cal treaty foods are to be eaten in moderation.
Some people find it hard to be moderate with them, so they have to find ways of dealing with it.
For instance I'll have those foods while out of the house, or only buy a small amount to take home etc. That's the theory, anyway :)

And I don't know what a yoghurt biscuit is but if it's those belvita breakfast biscuits then one biscuit is 26% of a child's sugar intake 😮

Stop buying biscuits and bread sticks. Just buy healthy snacks like cherry tomatoes, cucumber and protein. I cook an extra chicken breast at dinner time and the next day slice it up so DS comes home from college and can grabs some chicken breast and a bag of salad. The next day I cook up a hard boiled egg and he'll snack on that with salad. I always have carrot sticks sliced up in the fridge and humus. I don't buy biscuits, crisps, bread sticks, bagels or things with little nutritional value.

Have you had any blood work done? Checked for any hormone imbalances, diabetes etc.
I read that for many children they don’t realise they are full - that there is a disconnect

https://www.imperial.ac.uk/news/246874/new-form-severe-childhood-obesity-with/amp/

I lost loads of weight myself by being really careful about sugar.

Sugary items are more-ish, but there are far more calories in fat, which also tends to be in more-ish items.