To give DD a boy's name to appease DH gender disappointment?

[Afrikaaner]

I have posted somewhere else, but I don't know how to delete posts on MN. I feel like this is the most appropriate sub.

I have 3 girls and I am pregnant with the last who is also a girl. DH is very very disappointed, he doesn't want to mention her or the pregnancy. In his culture, having a boy is the most desirable; women who can't make babies are not seen as a real women ( his words, not mine).

A week ago, he suddently started telling me we should name her a boy's name. It would be the only way, according to him, to bond with his daughter. Not gender neutral, but male name. I said no, and since then , he won't talk to me. I feel guilty, and sad and I am thinking to go with his plan. I absolutely dislike his choices. Will I be unreasonable to find a male name I like and name her that?

In the politeness way your husband needs to get over himself. Name her something you both agree on.

Also his comment about real women - he does know it’s the sperm that determines gender??? Ie the bit of him?!?!

OP what is his relationship with your other daughters like?

Do not let him fuck your daughter up with this ludicrous and damaging charade.

Get yourself and your daughters away from this misogynist prick. Go home.

While the sperm gives the X or Y, there's some evidence that the egg itself selects the sperm rather than being passively fertilised by the first sperm there. Either way, I don't think it's helpful to say "well your sperm had the X chromosome". Outside of PGD, neither parent has any actual control on the sex of the baby. It's a gamble.

That being said, while it's ok to feel a bit disappointed in the moment, he knew there was a chance of another girl, and so should accept the baby for who she is rather than trying to trying to turn her into the son he doesn't have. And he needs to make sure that he girls feel loved and valued by their dad for who they are, rather than feeling like unsuccessful attempts at a boy.

Amir or Malik. I'd love Amira or Malika.

You are being unreasonable by staying with this misogynist bellend!

Divorce him and call your daughter what you want to call her.

Maybe you should take your amazing girls and go then.

All this culture shit is pathetic.

Get rid of him, raise your baby girl right.

I absolutely couldn't remain married to such a complete thicko. The bullshit he is spouting is unbelievable and very offensive.

What an arse! You need to dump him for the sake of all of your daughters, not just the as-yet-unborn one.

Don't give the new baby a boy's name. Poor girl. Give her a name that is right for her (ignore your stupid DH, and don't take him with you to register the birth).

WTF.

No. Just no. Bullies and twats need standing up to, not placating.

Total wanker

I had a friend who was given a boy's name as a middle name because her father was disappointed that the long-awaited child was female. It was not a good thing to do, and it was a constant reminder that she was less valued than her (arrived a few years later) brother. That is a damaging thing to do to a child.

I’d refuse to agree to a name from his culture at all if this is where he stands. Go for a European girl’s name. Your DD will have to live with it for life and she doesn’t need to know every day that she wasn’t good enough for this horrible man. Oh, and LTB.

Poor girl. Yes, please choose a male name in the off chance she doesn’t pick up that her father is disappointed she isn’t one.

I feel really sad for your daughter OP. Giving her a boys name won't change the fact she's still a girl and as you know, your DH needs to accept this and come to terms with it...preferably before she's born. It would be very sad if she grew up knowing she wasn't good enough...just as she is.
Your daughter should be the one behind your thinking of a name and not your husbands culture expectations.

What about a name from YOUR culture?

Your husband needs therapy, never say this but leave the bastard.... definitely don't go along with it and call your daughter Gary for husbands sake.

Is your husband called Henry VIII?

What about a girls name that's a neutral nickname

• Thomasina (Tommy)
• Danielle or Danniella (Danny)
• Nicolette (Nicky)
• Francesca (Frankie)

Etc etc

I have a female family member called Shahin, which is more commonly a boys’ name but it means Peregrine/falcon.

OP I get it. In my culture it's the same. I cannot tell you how hurtful it was for my dd. Just recently she said I wish I had been a boy so dad would have not gone crazy. (DV) Please try to get him to go to counseling

When i worked in South Africa a few years ago many of the women i was privileged to meet were feisty , independent people who took no shit, especially from men.
That's your daughters' heritage, and it's equally as important as their heritage from their father.
Please don't let him belittle them in any way because of their sex, you are never lesser than a man, and neither are they. But they will need you to vehemently counter his sexist views.

Thank you everyone. I don't want to damage her, or made her a target for bullying.
I feel guilty because he doesn't eat, spend his time drinking and doesn't talk to me or play with his girls.

My oldest (13yo) is picking up on it and I can tell she goes to great lengths ( such as lying) to get her attention. I feel like it's all my fault and even regret trying for a 4th. It is horrible I know.

No, I have no bank account. When I decided to leave S.Africa for him, he was charming. Very much open minded. All my children have S.African citizenship and I miss the times there. With my family, working, the weather. But if I leave, I am afraid my daughters will hate me for depriving them from a father.

Yes, I made poor choices and I am trying to fix it it as much as possible.

What an absolute prince you got yourself there 🙄