AIBU (well, we) or is she?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

DP has 2 children from previous relationship. ExW isn't known for her ability to reason, and so here we are...

Childcare is 50/50 on a 2 week rotation with set days each week. It's been this way for a long time (more than a year) and works well for the kids and parents (90% of the time anyway!).

ExW has decided to go on holiday with her partner at short notice. She messaged DP asking him to have the children on her set days (not swap days, have them in addition to his usual days) and stated she had already booked the holiday. This would mean him having them 10 days in a row.

DP said no as 1) it's too short notice and 2) he's sorted work around his children months in advance and can't be easily changed (nature of his work means it can be incredibly difficult to arrange any swaps at short notice).

ExW isn't open to making the days up elsewhere. Just in the last 6 months, she's done this several times at short notice and it means DP or I have had the kids nearly an extra month. There's not even been so much as a thanks from her, even if it has been me picking up the extra childcare.

So, AWBU in saying no and DP finally putting his foot down at her piss taking, or is she BU constantly making plans during her childcare days/ nights and just expecting DP to rearrange his life to suit her?

So as not to drip feed, this is a woman who ran to CMS when 50/50 first started and claimed DP was only having the kids 2 nights a week. Prior to 50/50, DP had the kids between 4 and 6 nights every week and still paid her CM (more fool him, I know!).

@Nanny0gg when they are with DP and I, I do have some responsibility for them and their wellbeing. However, I'm not their SM. I am dad's partner. My role in their life is not (at this time) a maternal 1!

@Nanny0gg it would be difficult, but not impossible. However, she would never agree to this and a court wouldn't grant it (DP has already looked in to it extensively). DP would have them full time in a heartbeat.

@GlassCaseOfEmotions we have one too, so you have my utmost sympathies.

DH’s DC are older and he can deal with them directly now, and has for some time; this has eradicated most of her nonsense as she’s been cut out of the middle.

The lack of drama now is JOYOUS!!

Keep going!!

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn I can see your point. Sadly, I think she would still go and simply say she's out the country so her hands are tied.

@ElevenSeven it's nice, but terrifying, to know there's more than 1 out there!!

DP, and definitely I, are counting down the years (I even count minutes sometimes when ExW is being particularly tricky 🤣) until the kids are old enough for us to just deal with them directly.

I've fantasised about how life will look in years to come!!

I'm glad you and DH are finally out the other side of this!

Brilliant

clear thread where the mum is the issue yet there are always those posters for whom it will always be the man’s fault, and those for whom it will always be the stepmum.

some bonkers responses

@Britpop123 thank you, someone else who can see it clearly!!

DP and I are damned if we do and damned if we don't. DP will be hailed a shit dad and have women with pitchforks chasing him in the street, and I'll be burned at the stake for being a witch of a SM.

Meanwhile, poor mum having to face her responsibilities and consequences of her actions.

So what are you doing to do then?

All I can see happening here is SS getting called and the children getting dropped at yours at 8pm anyway? Dad isn't going to say "well the mum's unfit, and abroad, I've got work and my girlfriend won't have them" is he?

She's unreasonable to drop it on him at short notice and if he has genuine reasons for not being able to do it, he's not unreasonable to say so. What is a bit distasteful IMHO is this counting days to make sure he doesn't do anything over his 'fair share'. His ex aside, these are his children, and so the default should be they are 100% the responsibility if both parents, not a chore he only has to do half of. If you don't want to do childcare, tell your H no. It's him that's putting this on you, not his ex.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn what do you propose DP or I do? I feel like I've answered your question 100 times, and yet whatever I say doesn't seem to be landings with you.

@5128gap if either of us were 'counting days' as you put it, we wouldn't have them for the next month to make it fair! DP is always happy to have them extra where he can. However, if he is meant to work on a Wednesday and swaps that shift to a week on Friday to help ExW, and that week on Friday shift was his day on the kids schedule then it is only fair that ExW picks that day up instead. However, she refuses to do this and just expects he changes shifts to accommodate her demands constantly. That is why he has previously asked her what days she can do instead. Never mind that, if he had them 1 less day than scheduled, she would run back to CMS and make a claim!!

He does not see his kids as a chore, his entire life is focused around maximising his time with them. The same can't be said for ExW.

DP has only ever asked me to help with childcare in an emergency at work, as in when he is physically prevented from leaving work (not manhandled 🤣 but there's sometimes reasons he actually can't just walk out. I know this from previously doing the same role). ExW on the other hand regularly says 'why can't GCOE do it if you can't?' to him.

Partly YANBU because she is being a pain, but partly this is the reality of having kids regardless of wether you are married, single or divorced. They don’t fit neatly around work especially when the other parent isn’t 100% reliable. I don’t know anyone who genuinely manages 50/50 parenting.

Er, I'm asking what you intend to do.

Because your answer seems to be "well, DP won't even answer his phone til 8" and then he'll have to answer his phone. That's no solution - Mum will have been reported to SS who will know you were aware of the holiday, but could do nothing about it, and the kids will be left with you anyway so you'll end up having to cancel work and that's shit on your parts.

Is it the case that the mother simply won't care that SS are involved as long as she gets a holiday? In which case, there's nothing you can do. But I find this incredulous that she wouldn't be arsed that she'll potentially have her children taken out of her care, even if it is for selfish claiming CB and CMS purposes.

If she's going to go, and sod the consequences, then yes, you'll have to deal with those consequences which may well be the children are moved into your care...and then what? Can you and DP actually have them full time?

@Ggttl whilst I somewhat agree with you that kids don't always fit neatly around work, there is a difference between an emergency and a shit parent. I know plenty of parents who do manage 50/50 and everything is done fairly (time, finances, commitments etc).

The alternative here is that my DP sees his kids less and the kids suffer more, or DP has them more. Neither are an option for DP or ExW.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn you're mixing up the words won't and can't. DP cannot have his phone within his workplace. That's not a choice he's making, it is the law. DP doesn't work a normal job in an office or travelling on the road.

If ExW decides to go on holiday without arranging childcare, it is HER who has caused SS to become involved. Not us, HER ALONE. DP has all messages to show it is her responsibility to have organised childcare and that he isn't able to facilitate the additional time, and that she was well aware of this.

She didn't care that SS were involved when she went day drinking 20 minutes away from the kids school and failed to pick them up. She didn't care that SS were involved when she went on a spa break hours away and left both kids at home overnight (which we had no idea about until the next morning when DP went to collect them, before you spin that 1 as his responsibility too). She engages with whatever course and programme they offer at the time, goes through the monitoring period and then it starts all over again. This isn't our first time at this rodeo!!

If it came to it and they were in DP care full time then yes, we would make it work. Of course we would. It would involve some job/ hour changes and a lifestyle change on my part, and I'd be pushing for official PR in that scenario.

Why would she thank him for having his children?

So are they just supposed to stop working???

Asinine answer.

@shitcreekpolicy she shouldn't when it's his scheduled days. But she should thank him when he does her a favour (that's just being a respectful and polite person, nothing to do with parenting) or thank me when I do her the favour.

@LikeagoddamnVampire according to several posters, we should just sit at home and make sure mums needs can be met at all times. We should never say no and never make her face up to her responsibilities. When she says jump, we should be grateful to ask how high...

Adding to the @PretzelMeUp 👏👏👏 for a sane post amongst all the guilt tripping holier than thou nonsense.

@Onabench they are not HER kids!!! Not her responsibility. It's up to Mum and Dad to look after them, not OP.

Welll said. Ignore the guilt tripping. The mother should have thought this through first before booking.

@LikeagoddamnVampire thankfully my guilt emotion ran out a long time ago when she really did a number on DP (and me, as a secondary) to benefit herself!

Honestly, the mentality of some people on MN is scary.

Thank you for also seeing sense 💐

@Moonshine5 are you one of the "first wives" who believes everything is the step mothers fault? Because your points on this thread are contradictory and nonsensical. The person who should have "thought of the kids" is their Mother!

Did you even bother to read the OP posts that he won't see them as he's away working?
No, just jump right in with more idiotic guilt tripping and dad bashing.
Yawn.