AIBU (well, we) or is she?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

DP has 2 children from previous relationship. ExW isn't known for her ability to reason, and so here we are...

Childcare is 50/50 on a 2 week rotation with set days each week. It's been this way for a long time (more than a year) and works well for the kids and parents (90% of the time anyway!).

ExW has decided to go on holiday with her partner at short notice. She messaged DP asking him to have the children on her set days (not swap days, have them in addition to his usual days) and stated she had already booked the holiday. This would mean him having them 10 days in a row.

DP said no as 1) it's too short notice and 2) he's sorted work around his children months in advance and can't be easily changed (nature of his work means it can be incredibly difficult to arrange any swaps at short notice).

ExW isn't open to making the days up elsewhere. Just in the last 6 months, she's done this several times at short notice and it means DP or I have had the kids nearly an extra month. There's not even been so much as a thanks from her, even if it has been me picking up the extra childcare.

So, AWBU in saying no and DP finally putting his foot down at her piss taking, or is she BU constantly making plans during her childcare days/ nights and just expecting DP to rearrange his life to suit her?

So as not to drip feed, this is a woman who ran to CMS when 50/50 first started and claimed DP was only having the kids 2 nights a week. Prior to 50/50, DP had the kids between 4 and 6 nights every week and still paid her CM (more fool him, I know!).

OP, I think people find it very hard to understand that some people are really just shit. And because, let's be honest, more often the truly shit parent is a dad, it becomes even harder to accept when the shitty parent is a woman.

But it's clear this woman is awful. Probably narcissistic which means she honestly does not understand why her behaviour isn't okay. People like that are hugely entitled and genuinely have disordered thinking. It's not an excuse, but it means I understand where you're coming from. Part of your frustration, so clearly expressed here, is just how ridiculous this is.

@GingerIsBest thank you, for not only speaking sense but putting it in such a great way!!

I agree, society doesn't want to accept that a dad can be a good parent and the mother a shit parent. And society also doesn't want to accept that dad's partner shouldn't be held to a higher standard than the mother, or the mother's partner. You never see people harping on about the 'step dad' not stepping up, only that the 'step mum' should. It's infuriating!!

I've used the term narcissist to describe her myself a few times, as her behaviour is exactly as you've said. She doesn't see why it isn't OK and how it impacts everyone around her. Her perception of things in only of how it will benefit her.

I hope, from having a stable life and relationships here, the kids grow up to be well adjusted adults.

You are already ahead of the curve with the DC as they seem to be able to see through her which limits her power over them. I know one family where the, admittedly much younger child, is currently being used as a tool for the narcissistic Dad's campaign against his mother and has started parroting back his statements about how unfair this is or that is. So well done to you and your DP on that - you're clearly doing something right.

To the posters who say things like, "I couldn't imagine not wanting to spend more time with my DC". Well, Id' love to spend this coming half term with my DC. And I usually do the bulk of holiday/half term stuff as my work is more flexible. BUT, I am also the main breadwinner and have just taken on a massive project so this half term I'll be working and DH has taken AL. I don't feel guilty at all. why should I?

Yes their mother. She either organises care for them or needs to cancel her holiday. This isn't an emergency situation where it might be reasonable to ask OP to step up and help, this situation has been created by a very self centred person and is completely unnecessary. If she loses out on her holiday tough shit, maybe she'll learn to not book holidays when she's responsible for their kids. OP stepping up would just mean this will keep happening when she wants to do something that clashes with her being a responsible parent.

Yes I would always jump at the chance to have my DC more, but the Dad and the OP are in a different situation to me and it is completely reasonable in a non emergency situation for their Dad to say that he cant get out of work because his ex wants a holiday. She can cancel. If they let her mess them around it will never stop. OP and the kids Dad aren't the ones in the wrong here, its the mother. She's the one that's done something that is completely unreasonable and she should wear the consequences of that. I think this situation is sad and I really feel for the children involved here but that doesn't mean OP should be stepping up when they have perfectly capable mother who's responsibility it is to care for them at this time.

No I'm not, just putting the children first.
Are you a second wife who feels "put upon"?

Crikey some of the comments here

@GlassCaseOfEmotions be prepared for a drop & leave, and not picking up from school. But you & dh aren’t doing anything wrong imo

It's not the dh having the dc though as his work schedule means he won't be around. He has planned his work schedule to fit around his children as trees wife should have. It's the OP who would have them and that would mean messing up her own career.

Yes. Their mother. The one who had responsibility for them on those days. That's who.

Do you consider how the children will feel knowing their mother runs away on holidays when she is supposed to be with them?

And that maybe they don’t want to be with Dad’s wife but one of their own parents instead.

Agreeing to these changes constantly is just enabling their mother to be bolder and bolder about ditching by them.

I agree the mothers behaviour is reprehensible however it's the children who are suffering, and someone has to "adult".
If OP doesn't want to step up that's up to her of course. I'm not saying it's down to her, it's obviously down to the parents but if they don't then OP could. I'm just thinking of the children's mental health.
I've got no skin in the game btw. It's just my view.

@GingerIsBest the eldest at least sees through it. The youngest shows some of ExW traits but we encourage a more realistic approach to life and situations to try and kerb this. That is an awful situation that you've mentioned, and I hope the parents give their head a wobble and realise the life long impact that will have on the child!!

Absolutely right that you shouldn't feel guilty for doing what is best for your family! I hope you can enjoy some downtime with the DC during half term, even if it's only an evening 💐

But it isn't really extra time with his child if he can't get time off work to be with them, is it?

@Moonshine5 that someone is their mother. You can't seem to understand that.

If you constantly allow people to get away with shitty behaviour and have no consequences for their actions, then they will continue to be a shitty person. Consequences sometimes don't even cut it, because they are just a shitty person. Someone eventually has to stand up and be counted and say 'enough is enough. You do you, but not at the detriment of everyone else. You need to sort your own mess out'.

It isn't that I don't want to step in and be there for the kids. It's that I refuse to enable someone like this any longer. Where does it eventually stop?! When DP or I have a breakdown because of her constant games, stress she inflicts and abuse? When 1 or both of us loses our jobs because of having to take time off to facilitate her life? When she causes my partner another medical episode, but this time it's life changing/ limiting or ending? At that point, she would HAVE to stick to her responsibilities, because I sure as hell won't be running round after her whilst caring for or burying my partner!

@Sauvblanctime thank you. I'm fully expecting it to be honest with you. In some respects, it would be a blessing in disguise if she did it as at least SS might finally take the situation more seriously than they have previously!

Thank you everyone for your sense and opinions 💐

Honestly, from some of these replies I've considered whether certain posters could be the ExW 🤣

We will prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

For those of you who think ExW should just be able to do as she pleases, I hope 2024 brings you a back bone and a sense check! You are all part of the problem when it comes to people like her!

@GlassCaseOfEmotions i can’t begin to think how frustrated you are with her.

Not sure if it has been said, but she will drop kids and go on holiday anyway..

Shameful woman and piss taker

@Bringonthesunforthewashing honestly, I can't even bring myself to express it properly. People seem to think this is a 1 off, it's constant. If I could say everything she has said and done, it still wouldn't give a true reflection of how badly and negatively she is impacting all of us!!

Sadly we are aware she's likely to do that. So we will prepare for it but hope she bangs her head and finds sense in the meantime 🙏🏻

I don't understand how any mother can behave how she does.

Just one possibility...could it be that she does tell your OH and he agrees but it's so long in advance that he forgets...

My ex was very good at this. He would want to know long in advance if there were changes to normal plans, which was totally fair but he would then forget and have a go at me. I told him to write it in his calendar or something but still it would come as a big shock a couple of days before.

My OH is the same now! Not about kids but he has a way or pretending that I haven't informed him of something. If I tell him a week before, he tells me to let him know longer in advance. If I do, he forgets and tells me tell him nearer the time...can't win!

I mean, literally no one is saying this, so if that's what you're reading?...

It's not about you "sitting at home" it's about all you are actually going to achieve is ending up with the DC as soon as your DP answers his phone. Can't/won't makes little difference. As soon as they do have contact with him, they'll put the DC in his care, as mother has fucked off abroad.

So if you're going to end up with them from SS that day anyway, because their mother is a feckless parent, you may as well start planning how you can work around that.

This isn't working around the mother having a holiday, this is working around the fact the mother may well not be having them for some time.

@vivainsomnia no, both messages received while he was at work. First to say she was considering it, 2nd to say she had booked it (same day!).

DP also knows to run changes past me, as I will know if we have plans or not (I write everything down in my work diary so that I can see everything in 1 place).

It amazes me that people are trying to find any loop hole here to make ExW the poor hard done to victim and DP the villian.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn we will plan for that as and when it happens. Right now, it hasn't and mum needs to step up. That's the long and short of it.

We shouldn't need contingencies in place for any occasion where mum might decide to be a shit parent. What a way to live life!!

I feel sorry for the children that the adults in their lives for what ever reason (holidays / medical episodes / having a backbone) don't want to look after them.
Maybe they would be better off with SS

This comment is really disturbing.

People who say they pity others, especially children, as if their pity is of some benefit are awful.

You don’t know these children or care about them. Just enjoying having a go at someone on the internet.

Absolutely incorrect, OP posted for our perspectives and I've offered mine. It doesn't align with yours, you don't have the right to criticise. You have no idea what I feel.

No one has a right to criticize you? It’s the internet. You posted, you’ll get the same you give.